DH will divorce me if I join the police force

[KoalaBe]

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

But no-one else is married to him OP! I think it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. 'DH' will need to do a lot better with his reasoning than simply stating 'I hate the police'. Storming off and sulking is very immature, he needs to properly talk things through with you. Perhaps he has his reasons, but it does sound more like a control thing.

I must admit I wouldn't be too happy if my partner said he was going to join the police force as I do see them as a corrupt organisation. Had a bad couple of experiences with them personally and from what I see in the media.

However, I wouldn't tell my partner I would divorce him over it. That's too controlling. Hope your partner calms down soon and talks about it rationally. You should be able to choose the career you want.

It-s possible to criticize the Police as an institution and recognise how it needs to change while supporting those within it who want to work hard and serve the public.

The Police need more not less people who join for the right reasons in order to do that.

Go ahead you'll be great.

OP said it was a 'type' role not that it was a family liaison officer, maybe it's an admin for that type of team (or something, I don't know I have no police associations). Why are you all picking on this detail when it's not specifically what OP said, it's hardly the most important point.

OP he sounds like a cunt. Take the job and leave him, you're only 22 and he's a wrid predator of a man who doesn't want the police to know too much about a man who gets together with a 16 year old girl

He is clearly worrying about something related to it. Can you have a calm conversation. Having been in a relationship where I was held back, I would say don’t let him decide for you. It sounds a good opportunity “for you! “

If it’s the job you want take it OP, if you let him dictate on this, they’re other areas of your life that he will also try to dictate on.

Maybe he doesn’t want. Somebody he loves being physically and verbally abused on a day-to-day basis is that a possibility? Maybe he’s just expressing that badly

In my experience there's a strong correlation between people who want to join the police/army and people who want to exert authority/control over others. I once walked out of a first date with a man who said he wanted to work for the police.

That's the personal level, obviously on an institutional level it's a filthy, racist, misogynist, homophobic institution.

I would obviously leave DP if he wanted to join the police but I would never have got into a relationship with someone who wasn't on the same page as me in the first place.

I wouldn’t have a relationship with a police officer. The police are institutionally corrupt, racist and misogynistic. People aren’t obliged stay in relationships with people whose fundamental values they don’t share.

there’s a (subtle) difference between ‘don’t join the police or I’ll leave’ and ‘join the police if you want, but I can’t then be in a relationship with you’.

He sounds really controlling . It’s not like you’re wanting to become a drug Lord or a Tory counsellor ! . He should be supporting you not standing in the way of your chosen career .

I'd do the same.

My brother has become a copper and I no longer speak to him.

Institutionally speaking, ACAB.

Typo - councillor !

I think there are lots of reasons to be distrustful of the police and to be worried about a spouse joining a force.

However, unless he's someone who might have reacted like this because of difficulty expressing his feelings and will come back and talk about it properly soon, he doesn't sound like much of a loss.

1. He could be genuinely worried for OP or
2. He's an immature controlling arse.

Having said that, he can like it, or fuck off.

I have to talk to the police on a fairly regular basis at work and it's an irritating chore to be honest. I don't have a lot of respect for POs in general. However if anyone has aspirations to be a PO or anything else for that matter which is a big change of career their partners and wider circle should (grit their teeth and) support them.

See, I wouldn’t have a problem with seeing a Tory councillor (and I’m dyed in the wool Labour). I think it’s important that people get involved in civil society. I might disagree with them on eg. economics but we may still have more in common than not.

different values for different people innit? No-one should be forced to be in a relationship with someone who they are fundamentally at odds with.

The job is not your problem here though. He’s just a knob.

This! He's controlling you, and has been since you were very young.

What is he really upset about? Not that you should have to so the legworks for a partner that cant communicate.

Is it a pay cut? Did you have pla s for another baby? Will it affect your current lifestyle? Will it create a lot of childcare needs? Can those be worked around together?

Or is he just insecure, unsupportive and controlling?

FWIW, I dont think he will divorce you, I think he is having a tantrum and betting that you are scared of divorce and being a single mum and he is using that threat to control you.

I don't think anyone on here can diagnose him as controlling based on the information given. It's just as possible that there is a genuine clash of values here. I would really struggle to be with someone who worked for a racist, misogynistic, corrupt organisation. I'd have similar problems being with someone who worked in arms, tobacco or gambling.

However, whichever it is, they sound better off apart.

My ex wife always said if started going to church she’d divorce me (I had no interest in going to church beyond Christmas carols). We divorced anyway for reasons unrelated to church attendance and she’s now dating a Christian who attends church weekly. In my case the threat of divorce seemingly had little to do with the behaviour it was tied to, might this also be the case here or is he otherwise great - just has a real hatred of the police?

I think move ahead with this job, OP. Your DH will hopefully be supportive as you get on with it; if not, it'll bring your relationship into sharper focus. You need this for yourself.

So he was a 22 year old adult when you stayed dating and you were a 16 year old child

he doesn’t like you going out & you say your world has grown very small

id take the job but I think you have bigger problems than that really

@Stickybackplasticbear

Tell that to my Asian female friend, she is fed up with accusations based on a few bad apples and/or the past. 99% + are not what you accuse

He doesn’t sounded great tbh. If you are avoiding subjects to avoid arguments that’s not good.

I might casually mention to dh where I’m going and I might mention a rough time I’ll be likely back, but that’s just out of courtesy really. He wouldn’t care a jot if I’m back later, although again I’d probably text just to avoid him worrying. I certainly don’t ask permission.

If your work seems small, then he should be supporting you to feel happier, not hampering you in your endeavour to do something about it.