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AIBU?

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Original poster

Romantic time, Do I expect too much?

116 replies

summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:15

With DP for three years. He has DD from previous relationship, aged 10. She is with us every Friday and Sunday all days (mum works). Used to be at her mums every second Saturday, but since we moved in together, DP pushes for DD to be here almost all the time when he isn't at work and she isn't at school.

That means no time for us, no more dates. We can't even go on holiday without his DD because he is riddled with guilt.

She hs been here last three full weekends, plus a lot during the week, so I gently suggested to him that maybe she could spend some time with her mum this Saturday so we have some time for the two of us. He said that's not what he wants but ok he will take her to her mum. She was here since lunch time yesterday and DP dropped her off to her mum after 3pm.

So, our romantic afternoon now, DP is distant, polite but hardly talking, we watched tv for a while, he is asking what did I plan for us to do? I said we could go to the beach, he said we will see.
I'm sitting on my own now because he decided to go to bed. He says he will wake up later and we can eat something and maybe go for a walk depends how he feels.

I now feel bad because he isn't happy. Was I wrong asking him to spend some time with me without his DD? It's first time I have done but it just gets too much at times

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 24/06/2023 19:20

I think, because you don't have children, your expectations are different. It is very unusual, when you have kids, to have any child free time, and he is wanting to Max out on how much he sees her, which is nice, but hard for you. Can you not have time together in the evenings? Can you do nice things with the 3 of you so you get to know her better? What happens during the week in the evenings? Could you both take a half day off work and plan something nice?

Iizzyb · 24/06/2023 19:20

Not at all. You need a balance so time with sd and time to yourselves. You also need to know in advance so you can make plans. Sounds very unfair on you x

vdbfamily · 24/06/2023 19:21

Actually just re read what you write and see she is around during week. It sounds like it would be best to just agree a routine with her mum which is more fixed so you can plan ahead.

LimoncelloSpritz · 24/06/2023 19:22

Even with our OWN child we tried to find time just for us. The fact he isn't bothered would be a red flag for me. Why can't you go on holiday with her?

Merryoldgoat · 24/06/2023 19:22

How do you see this working long term? Seriously?

When you get into a relationship you have to accept that a) their child(ren) come first and that b) there may come a time they live with you full time.

If you don’t want that then end it now.

I know two blended families where a new partner’s ex has died and it’s like a bomb has gone off in the family and the child has come to the surviving parent’s home permanently (of course).

If you want a relationship where you get lazy brunches on the weekend, snuggles on the sofa and alone time then an involved co-parent isn’t for you.

VioletVesper · 24/06/2023 19:24

I’m a parent and a step-parent and don’t think you were unreasonable. The odd date night for reconnecting and quality one on one time is important for a relationship.

Original poster
summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:26

vdbfamily · 24/06/2023 19:20

I think, because you don't have children, your expectations are different. It is very unusual, when you have kids, to have any child free time, and he is wanting to Max out on how much he sees her, which is nice, but hard for you. Can you not have time together in the evenings? Can you do nice things with the 3 of you so you get to know her better? What happens during the week in the evenings? Could you both take a half day off work and plan something nice?

He works shifts, evenings he is either sleeping before a night shift, or he is working back shift or his DD is here other days. She doesn't want to go to bed early any more so hardly any time for us. We do nice things with his DD and spend a lot of time together with her. I'm trying to leave them for some 1:1 but DP prefers when I'm there all the time.
Guess I don't like that shift. When we lived separately he always found time for dates, used to come to mine and the balance was good but that's changed a lot now

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 24/06/2023 19:29

Strange he was okay with it before but not now. That suggests he is actually okay with having time away from her. Has something else changed? How long have you lived together?

Original poster
summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:34

Merryoldgoat · 24/06/2023 19:22

How do you see this working long term? Seriously?

When you get into a relationship you have to accept that a) their child(ren) come first and that b) there may come a time they live with you full time.

If you don’t want that then end it now.

I know two blended families where a new partner’s ex has died and it’s like a bomb has gone off in the family and the child has come to the surviving parent’s home permanently (of course).

If you want a relationship where you get lazy brunches on the weekend, snuggles on the sofa and alone time then an involved co-parent isn’t for you.

I don't know. Suppose it's different when one parent dies, or anything else happens and the children have only one parent left.

Yes I do want snuggles, what's wrong with that? That's what it was like for 2.5 years before we moved in together. Why could it not stay like it? I wasn't asked if I'm happy to drop it because now we have a nice home and DP suddenly feels DD must be here all the time?

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 24/06/2023 19:36

Seperate houses worked better. Go back to that before you commit more

Merryoldgoat · 24/06/2023 19:38

There’s nothing wrong with what you want - you just can’t get it from him without him spending less time with his daughter which isn’t what HE wants.

Nothing you want is unreasonable, it just might not be possible.

Original poster
summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:39

He refuses to go on holiday now with me, not even 2 days away. He only wants to go with his DD and me. Won't go on his own with DD either.
We usually go away a few times a year and every time with DD. For the three years we have been together we have been away twice for weekend, just me and DP, last time was over 2 years ago. This year I suggested we could organise a weekend away with DP since we have been away 4 times last year and this spring with DD and he said that it's not possible.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2023 19:40

It's nice that he's trying to be a good dad. There isn't enough of those.

As sad as it is op, I personally wouldn't embark on any relationship with a dad of a young child. I'd expect him to prioritise his child, and this accept there wouldn't be enough left for me. So. I wouldn't go there in the first place.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2023 19:41

Why won't he go on his own with his dd?

yipeeyiyay · 24/06/2023 19:43

vdbfamily · 24/06/2023 19:20

I think, because you don't have children, your expectations are different. It is very unusual, when you have kids, to have any child free time, and he is wanting to Max out on how much he sees her, which is nice, but hard for you. Can you not have time together in the evenings? Can you do nice things with the 3 of you so you get to know her better? What happens during the week in the evenings? Could you both take a half day off work and plan something nice?

I disagree. When couple are together they can book a sitter and go out on a Friday or Saturday night. The OP never gets this. I understand prioritising dd but there are times when your relationship needs prioritising too

Original poster
summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:44

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2023 19:41

Why won't he go on his own with his dd?

No idea. I suggested it but he doesn't want it. He wants me there too. in the same way we do weekend trips. I suggested they two just go and I do my own thing and he insists I go with them bcasue it's best when I'm there too

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2023 19:45

Please don't tell us it's because you do all the actual work involved op...

Sandra1984 · 24/06/2023 19:45

Sounds like you DP doesn’t enjoy being with you OP, or maybe he was just giving you the icy/silent treatment for setting boundaries between you and daughter.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 24/06/2023 19:46

How much of the work of parenting do you do? Cleaning, washing, cooking, organising, packing bags, sorting tickets etc? I think it’s possible that’s why he doesn’t want to have her on his own, and also why contact has increased so much now that you live together….

yipeeyiyay · 24/06/2023 19:47

He is taking away all your agency. He won't spend time just with you. He won't go out or away without you. He expects you to be there to entertain dd and him every time. This is really controlling. I would back out now. He is not only never prioritising you but he's demanding you give up any and all of your own private time. There is no pleasure left in this union. You are merely a tool to facilitate his relationship with his dd

Sandra1984 · 24/06/2023 19:47

By the way .., you’re completely entitled to place boundaries and wanting time for yourself with DP.

Original poster
summerlemonade · 24/06/2023 19:47

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2023 19:40

It's nice that he's trying to be a good dad. There isn't enough of those.

As sad as it is op, I personally wouldn't embark on any relationship with a dad of a young child. I'd expect him to prioritise his child, and this accept there wouldn't be enough left for me. So. I wouldn't go there in the first place.

I agree. I was too naive. I like children and thought what could go wrong. It was also totally different when we lived apart

OP posts:
FairFuming · 24/06/2023 19:48

The comment about having a nice house is worrying. Are you paying more so he can have a nice house? Do you pay for the holidays? It honestly sounds like you were happier before you lived together, what would happen if you suggested going back to that? Do you want the relationship to continue if he won't make any time for you?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 24/06/2023 19:48

YABU he's a dad first.

AnnaMagnani · 24/06/2023 19:50

He's not a dad though is he? He only wants to spend time with his daughter if OP is there to do all the hard work