Romantic time, Do I expect too much?

[summerlemonade]

With DP for three years. He has DD from previous relationship, aged 10. She is with us every Friday and Sunday all days (mum works). Used to be at her mums every second Saturday, but since we moved in together, DP pushes for DD to be here almost all the time when he isn't at work and she isn't at school.

That means no time for us, no more dates. We can't even go on holiday without his DD because he is riddled with guilt.

She hs been here last three full weekends, plus a lot during the week, so I gently suggested to him that maybe she could spend some time with her mum this Saturday so we have some time for the two of us. He said that's not what he wants but ok he will take her to her mum. She was here since lunch time yesterday and DP dropped her off to her mum after 3pm.

So, our romantic afternoon now, DP is distant, polite but hardly talking, we watched tv for a while, he is asking what did I plan for us to do? I said we could go to the beach, he said we will see.
I'm sitting on my own now because he decided to go to bed. He says he will wake up later and we can eat something and maybe go for a walk depends how he feels.

I now feel bad because he isn't happy. Was I wrong asking him to spend some time with me without his DD? It's first time I have done but it just gets too much at times

I think he is being unreasonable. There's no reason why you two can't spend a bit of time alone together, if he values your relationship. Do you think he does?

All sounds intense. Seems strange things have changed? You really don't sound happy OP.

Thank you (and everyone else who understand!)

That's exactly how I feel, like an appliance
He wants me to be a motherly figure for DD. She loves spending time together and I really get on well with her, I used to play with her a lot, do arts and crafts, games, now she is older she comes to me to talk about all sorts of stuff and because DP sleeps a lot I spend quite a lot of time with her.
Chores- I do more of them but DP picks up a fair share when he can.

He mentioned a few times he would want her living here full time because she gets more attention and we both set up better example than her mum. But it would mean me doing most of the school runs, homework and everything else.

I don't mind putting an effort in all this but it looks like I don't get anything out in return.

I am a long time step mother and of course you need to have time to yourselves - you need a routine with her mum that allows for that.

If you don’t get this then this isn’t a relationship that can work. I’d have a wider conversation with him about this. If he doesn’t get it then you need to call it. Don’t spend your life with a man who doesn’t value you.

For ref, I love my step kids and have been around since they were tiny.

We pay 50/50 but I earn more. We also moved from two flats to a house. I brought in all furniture and decorated bedroom for his DD.
I'm just so sad, and it wears me down, I was happier living alone but if I suggest it, I don't think our relationship will survive.

Honestly? I wouldn’t do it find someone without a child. I’m a Stepmom & it’s hard we are married & have a child if I was to go back in time.. I wouldn’t.

He's found a new mother for his child because he wasn't happy with the biological one.

What are your plans together OP? If your both planning on getting married and having children together I would see this as him investing in you being a family unit already .. however men normally like to have fun with their partners without kids-it’s normal! - so what happens when she is at her mums? Is he working ? I feel like he’s using you to support his parenting and not respecting the fact that you don’t have kids and also have a life that doesn’t solely revolve around his child and situation. Pull back abit and go
and do your own thing too, see what his reaction is when you’ve made plans for lunch with a friend sat and then hairdressers Sunday x

You say it'd spoil your relationship if you suggest living apart. What relationship? Doesn't really sound like you have one. You're just there for his DD.

I'd cut my losses and leave the relationship now. He wants you to play mummy.

Leave and find a partner with no kids.

I think you’ve answered your own question. You were happier living alone.

I feel like at age 10 you only have a few more years before she doesn’t want to spend any time with you and she will develop her own social life.

HOWEVER I think you have a DH problem where he isn’t taking what you want not account. I feel like by going upstairs to bed he is punishing you.

have you suggested couples counselling? This really isn’t easy and you could do with a professional to mediate

He is working when she is at her mums, or he is sleeping tired after work.
He isn't usually happy when I arrange something for myself. It's one of our pinch points in arguments. He initially says it's fine but then in argument says that I'm selfish and only arrange time when I want to do something like go to the Gym, hairdressers, visit my own family, but don't really organise anything for when DD is with us.
I tried but he always wants to do his own thing so I've stopped suggesting anything.

We currently rent and we're hoping to buy our house together next year. No children planned

DONT buy a house.

When does your lease end?

When you got involved with a man who has a child, surely you realised that any decent bloke will never be able to make you priority no. 1?

You definitely should be able to communicate about this without him sulking

It is open ended

yep, you're playing the roles of sugar mama, a kind adoptive mom/free nanny and free live in maid but he's not very interested in you as a person out of those roles. No wonder you were happier when you lived separately.

This isn't a relationship that's working for you any more. You would be well advised to cut your losses now, before you are in any deeper and before the little girl becomes even more attached to you.

It's right that parents put their children first, but there's no reason why you should want to put someone else's child first. You and he just have different priorities.

I'd end this and try to find a man who doesn't already have children.

you got conned OP.

Ffs. What on earth are you getting from this relationship?

He gives nothing and doesn’t like you having fun.

Time to end thibgs.

@Whadda

There is making the child the priority but also giving some time to the relationship

I find your reply quite simplistic and lazy to be honest

He saw you coming, life is very convienient for him with this set up, unpaid cook, cleaner and free childcare. What's in it for you? He can't even rota you in for a cuddle.
I would leave him to it and find someone else without children.

OP there’s nothing tying you to this man.

No kids, not married no joint assets.

Absolutely agree. He won’t even take his own child away if you aren’t there to do all the heavy lifting.

You are being taken for a mug.

Can you move out? If he doesn’t want to date you and live separately, you will have your answer, but I think you already know that.

Life is too short to waste any more of it on this user.