Romantic time, Do I expect too much?

[summerlemonade]

With DP for three years. He has DD from previous relationship, aged 10. She is with us every Friday and Sunday all days (mum works). Used to be at her mums every second Saturday, but since we moved in together, DP pushes for DD to be here almost all the time when he isn't at work and she isn't at school.

That means no time for us, no more dates. We can't even go on holiday without his DD because he is riddled with guilt.

She hs been here last three full weekends, plus a lot during the week, so I gently suggested to him that maybe she could spend some time with her mum this Saturday so we have some time for the two of us. He said that's not what he wants but ok he will take her to her mum. She was here since lunch time yesterday and DP dropped her off to her mum after 3pm.

So, our romantic afternoon now, DP is distant, polite but hardly talking, we watched tv for a while, he is asking what did I plan for us to do? I said we could go to the beach, he said we will see.
I'm sitting on my own now because he decided to go to bed. He says he will wake up later and we can eat something and maybe go for a walk depends how he feels.

I now feel bad because he isn't happy. Was I wrong asking him to spend some time with me without his DD? It's first time I have done but it just gets too much at times

Somewhere out there OP is someone who will value you for the lovely person you are, not just for what you can do for them.

It isn't this man though.

Don't waste anymore of your life in this relationship.

Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Your last update has me concerned. He has issue with you going to the gym, hairdressers and seeing your family? These are basic normal things to do. Red flag there and comes across very controlling am afraid.

What do you want from life OP? You deserve cuddles and a weekend away. You sound like you have been wonderful for his dd and he can't even appreciate it and show you some love.

If you don't think the relationship would survive is that really a terrible thing in the long term?

Am sorry he has turned out differently now you are living together. Sending hugs x

I've been in your situation, and wish I'd left at the first red flag, and there are many here.

You were happier before you moved in with him, and your DP is expecting far too much of you.

I'd cut my losses if I were you, and find yourself someone more on your wavelength, ideally with no DC.

It is not necessary to put children first all the time. The adults of the family, and their relationships, matter too. What, is the OP supposed to just gratefully accept whatever crumbs of a relationship her partner sees fit to throw her way when he's not putting his daughter front and centre?

Apart from anything else, it's not necessarily in a child's interest to see their parent's partner being so far down the priority list. Kids need to learn that adult relationships matter too and that they're not the centre of the world.

Sadly this is very controlling behaviour, it is not selfish to want to visit your own family or go to the gym. Big red flag especially if he's sulky/ argumentative about it after initially "agreeing" to it. Why can't he make his own plans for something nice for him to do with his daughter on her own while you do your own thing. I got trapped in similar situation and it ended very badly, after a while other invites trailed off a bit as I had to always be available for the step children even on the days when they didn't turn up!. I'd get out.

This genuinely made me laugh.

Sorry Miss, will work harder Miss.

@Whadda

Good comeback I deserved it 😊

However the Op needs to leave this man

Honestly he is using use to look after his kid

How will he manage his shift work without you ?
Get out while you can

He puts DD in the centre all the time she is with us and I don't have a problem with it.

But equally it doesn't mean I've to forget any needs, wants and feelings and I need to fall nicely in line and be avaliable all the time for them.

He shouldn't be getting in a relationship if he didn't have a space and time for it in his life.

It kind of feels like he was putting an effort in the relationship until we moved in together, then that's it job done, do whatever you want

Ex will have DD when he is at work

He refuses to go on holiday now with me, not even 2 days away. He only wants to go with his DD and me. Won't go on his own with DD either.

While it's lovely that he wants to spend so much time together but he isn't giving any thought to what you want.

I'd move back out again and take it from there. Build up your own life with people who are available to you.

You may find that you enjoy it. He might miss you, or not. Good luck.

It kind of feels like he was putting an effort in the relationship until we moved in together, then that's it job done, do whatever you want.

I came on to say this but you beat me to it. It sounds like he made lots of effort until he got you living with him and now he feels he can step back as he has what he wants. If I was you I'd give some serious thought to this relationship OP. Don't settle for crumbs. Life is too short and I'm sure there's someone else out there who will cherish you.

because DP sleeps a lot I spend quite a lot of time with her.

There you have it. He wants you to dig the heavy lifting while he sleeps?

Bin that off, DD comes for contact with her DD, not you. Sorry, this is just not right.

He can't even rota you in for a cuddle.

This is the bottom line. He's mugged you off. Yes, we all think a child comes first but you don't even come .... last.

He is only committed to making 1 relationship in his life work op.
Time to walk away.

He wants a live in nanny that pays half the bills. You can't even go out on your own and enjoy yourself with friends without a guilt trip? Fuck that for a barrel of laughs. LTB.

I have been there

Plenty of time for romance when you live apart but then you become the default provider
Nicer house,holidays together, entertaining the kid when he sleeps, treating her to things and when you ask him for some time he does the whole my daughter come first routine
Of course she should but it doesn't mean he can't prioritise some time for you and he should want to but he has everything his way and leaves nothing for you
Leaving was the best thing I ever did

Don't buy a house with him. You feel like he is treating you like an appliance. You aren't wrong.

If my husband refused to spend any time on his own with the kids, refused to go out with me on our own, or go out on a date or complained when I went to visit my mum when he was off work, I'd have a big problem with him. And he is the father of my kids. This guy isn't the right one for you.

It’s really concerning that he won’t spend time with his DD alone and doesn’t like you doing your own thing . That’s not normal

Do not buy a house together.

You have no legal responsibility to this child and you are the one doing everything for her so he can reduce cms. He is not a nice man.

I would end it and find someone on the same page as you

Leave. He's an arsehole.

we both set up better example than her mum

And another thing

This is really unfair on his ex-wife, to compare her efforts to your joint efforts. Really unfair, especially since it sounds as if you are doing more than him.

He's being a good dad and his child will always come first.

Run a mile. I think he harbours resentment against his ex and wants to get as much time with his daughter as he can. Not because he wants to parent but because he wants to beat her - why should he have every weekend and full time.

you are merely his way of facilitating this.