Romantic time, Do I expect too much?

[summerlemonade]

With DP for three years. He has DD from previous relationship, aged 10. She is with us every Friday and Sunday all days (mum works). Used to be at her mums every second Saturday, but since we moved in together, DP pushes for DD to be here almost all the time when he isn't at work and she isn't at school.

That means no time for us, no more dates. We can't even go on holiday without his DD because he is riddled with guilt.

She hs been here last three full weekends, plus a lot during the week, so I gently suggested to him that maybe she could spend some time with her mum this Saturday so we have some time for the two of us. He said that's not what he wants but ok he will take her to her mum. She was here since lunch time yesterday and DP dropped her off to her mum after 3pm.

So, our romantic afternoon now, DP is distant, polite but hardly talking, we watched tv for a while, he is asking what did I plan for us to do? I said we could go to the beach, he said we will see.
I'm sitting on my own now because he decided to go to bed. He says he will wake up later and we can eat something and maybe go for a walk depends how he feels.

I now feel bad because he isn't happy. Was I wrong asking him to spend some time with me without his DD? It's first time I have done but it just gets too much at times

Plan in advance, then you can plan and both decide on your plans.
Sometimes stopping and relaxing in adult time alone is great without a child.
Going out and having a date night is living.
Find a balance.

Doesn't mean he has to be a shit partner though.

Thank goodness you're only renting.

He's lured you in and now he's got a mother figure he's forcing you to spend all your time in that role.

I'm a parent with no family locally. DH and I cherish child free time. We get babysitters once in a blue moon or make the must if a school residential or scout camp if we get time alone. Once a year or so we go away just the two of us and the dc go to dgp.

Time away from the kids is really important.

Just back out now. He's showing you what he's really like. Don't buy a house or let him flannel you with more time alone or whatever you want until you a trapped in a house purchase. GTFO

Hi OP your updates just sound worse tbh. My observation is that he is using you to do the parenting and it makes him look good as a dad but also as a pp said, trying to compete with her mother. Not wanting to give you any time when you give so much is not fair and tbh probably not into you so much. You deserve more please don't self sacrifice.

My other thought is, what if you have a child with this person how will it be like? And then if you split after having a child, you can imagine he won't actually do much with your child because he sleeps...

You should have gone to the beach on your own when he went for a lie down. He’s trying to guilt trip you and shut down any discussion.

There’s being a good parent, and then there’s using being a parent to become a controlling arse. He sounds like the latter.

So why did he agree if he was going to act like this?

Get out now while you have no ties. Relationship sounds awful.

This man wants to spend his free time with his family. His family is you and his daughter. If you don't see her as part of your family, then you just aren't compatible with each other. You really need a man who doesn't have children or one who doesn't care about his children.

So he wants you tbere when he's with his daughter but when she's not there he goes off to bed and ignores you. Are you a nanny?

This whole thread is you saying what he wants and that's what you do. You know what you want (to live apart, to have some me time, to have some date nights and holidays) and none of these needs are being met. What is the point of him? Don't buy a house with him OP. Not unless all of things change and stay that way for a long time first. You'll be trapped if you do.

I also think he wants her full time, with you doign the work, so he can stop paying child support

Your partner sounds very controlling and the fact that he insists you be present every time they go out is a red flag. Also the fact that he wants her to move because your household sets a better example than her mum's is another red flag. Is that actually the case or is he just bitter that his Ex has custody? Was the divorce a nasty one?

It seems he's dealing with guilt from not being more involved with her life and doesn't want DD to resent him for it.

If you don't agree to her moving in, he will probably start to blame you for the reason why he doesn't spend time with her/have a close relationship and if she were to get in trouble it's because she lives with her mum who doesn't set a good example. He will maintain that DD could have had a better life.

Does he have narcissistic tendencies? I've been through your exact situation. My DH had his step kids for the summer one year and didn't take any time off work to spend time with them. So guess who watched all 3 (10YO, 7YO and 5YO) of them all day while he was at work? I was also 8 months pregnant at the time trying to prepare for our first baby. I know them better than he does now.

One time he wanted to take them to an amusement park and I said I wanted to stay home as it was too hot and I didn't want to be on my feet all day. He told me he wouldn't take the kids unless I went. Of course I didn't want to be seen as the evil stepmother who ruined their fun so I went. I also thought he'd want to spend time with them 1:1. but wanted me to do that in order to get to know them, so I spent a day with each child doing their choice of activity.

It became apparent he wanted to blame someone else for his situation with his children. He felt guilty and made me a scapegoat. It had nothing at all to do with me. Also wanted them to live with us because we were a "better" example but I would most certainly be doing all the work. He wouldn't share responsibilities. He was bitter after their divorce as it was particularly nasty. He never had anything nice to say about her and criticized her to his own children.

If I could do it over, I wouldn't have married someone with children because of what happened above. Also having our baby wasn't an experience for him as it was for me with it being my first. He was blasé, like been there done that. Same with getting married, it wasn't the same excitement for him as it was for me.

He's controlling and not treating you fairly. You should consider ending the relationship. What he's doing to you isn't right at all.

I'm gonna switch this scenario round.

I met my DP. He has no children. We moved in together last summer. I have 2 children.

I also work shifts. Night shifts mostly. My DP will happily look after the boys if they aren't with his father. He will take them out if I sleep. We're a team, I'm not using him as some have suggested. I am tired 98% of my life lol. He picks up the slack of most things when I'm on a shift run. I don't expect it, but he often tells me he's here to take a load of me and help me

However, I fully make sure we have time for just the two of us! At least once a month. I would also never ever control him going to the gym, arranging time with his friends or days out for himself. Nor would he me!

Just on it's own, apart from everything else, the fact that he tries to stop seeing your family is massive and reason enough to leave him. I think you should check out the Freedom Programme, he is an abuser

I don't think your expectations are too high at all OP. I'm married with 2 kids and we each make time & space for our own stuff, as well as time together. This obviously doesn't mean we love our kids or prioritise our kids any less, it's just essential for our own well-being and for a healthy relationship.

I have a friend who is separated from his DC's mum, his decision to leave the relationship. He still feels terrible guilt and hyper-prioritises the child, which makes him a crappy partner sometimes. It's like a badge of honour that his DC comes first, but it's almost used as an excuse/shield to make minimal effort & be a poor partner. I see real parallels with your situation. Personally, it wouldn't be for me OP. Good luck with everything, you sound like a lovely person x

Nooooooo do not buy a house with this man who wants a servant.

You can't just assume that. OP had mentioned nothing about finances.

Saying that, OP you seemed to be happier before living seperately. He had to put in more effort then. Now he doesn't as he has made sure you are always there.

I think deep down you know this isn't working. And it is perfectly fine for you to change up the plans (ie stop living together and not buy together).

Whether the relationship can continue if you choose to do this, will only be clear at the time. But is it worth risking your happiness for?

You go, yes people get upset. But move on.

You stay. You continue to feel upset and used, but everyone else is happy.

Good Dad deemed unsuitable partner by the mn committee shock horror.....yeah....you deserve to be treated like the princess not his daughter, bin him off, find yourself a fuck boy who will leave you for someone else once you've had a baby with him....honestly some of the advice handed out on here. Just imagine if it were a single mum thread and new partner was demanding this and that and be prioritised first before the child...

YANBU, it's why parents with kids are a hard pass for some.

Op, he always wants you there as well as his kid on holidays etc BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ADDITIONAL CHILDCARE HELP. He simply doesn't want to have to do it on his own.

Good Dad deemed unsuitable partner by the mn committee shock horror.....yeah....you deserve to be treated like the princess not his daughter, bin him off, find yourself a fuck boy who will leave you for someone else once you've had a baby with him....honestly some of the advice handed out on here. Just imagine if it were a single mum thread and new partner was demanding this and that and be prioritised first before the child...

OP, I completely disagree with this post, and other similar opinions on this thread.

In some ways (only some), the fact that you're in a blended family is a bit of a red herring here. Even if your DP's DD was your OWN child, his behaviour is still completely unacceptable.

• He should still be prepared to make some time for you as a couple, because that's really important for a healthy relationship. And when he does agree to couple time, he should make an effort.
• He still shouldn't expect you to do the majority of the childcare.
• And still shouldn't think it's unreasonable to spend time doing your own thing sometimes.

If this had been made clear in the beginning, you could have decided whether it is for you or not. This does not seem a healthy and good relationship.

Stop being so dramatic @RocketIceLollie it's obvious he's using her. You can be a good parent AND a good partner, you know. If he was such a good dad how come he wants the OP to stay in so he doesn't have to look after his own kid? 🙄

OP, the red flags here are so enormous, they can be seen from space.
I agree that he has lured you in with the intention of replacing his ex, and you were the first woman he stumbled upon. I expect he would never consider sole custody if he was living alone.
You are an appliance and he does not see you as a woman or a human being in your own right.
I admit I thought you were being a bit of a princess in your initial post, (and I also admit that I was wrongly biased because I am a mum with 2 kids and my partner has none. We have next to no time alone) but with each passing post of yours, I can see what the real issue is here. And I actually think it has the potential to be a pretty dangerous one.

Please leave him. You truly deserve to find someone who values you for the person you are and who enjoys your company. And do it quickly before this situation escalates and/or his DD becomes any more attached to you.

He isn't usually happy when I arrange something for myself. It's one of our pinch points in arguments. He initially says it's fine but then in argument says that I'm selfish and only arrange time when I want to do something like go to the Gym, hairdressers, visit my own family

He's a controlling twat. His dd is not your responsibility. He should be happy to see her by himself. You are allowed to have a life separate of him, you are allowed to see friends, go away for the weekend, do whatever you want.

Seems like he's not putting any effort in to the relationship nor your living together. I'd dump him. You deserve more.