To send this text?

[jillmoan]

I have a drinking problem, as in I become really aggressive sometimes. Been seeing someone for few weeks and surprise surprise, as my story so often goes, I got drunk, became nasty and ruined things.

I haven't stopped thinking about it all week (happened last Saturday) and we haven't spoken since. Today was the first day I had the guts to go back and look at the messages. The things I were saying were really horrible, really nasty.

I genuinely am not sending this message to get anything from him, however, I really need to let him know that I know I was vile and I know my behaviour wasn't acceptable and apologise.

Do you think this message is okay to send?

Hiya, listen just wanted to apologise for my behaviour/messages/phone calls the other night. As you can probably tell I have my struggles with alcohol and have for a while, it turns me into not a nice person. Just have to apologise as I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I believe my behaviour is acceptable, I know it’s not and I need to deal with it. I’ll delete your number etc and won’t pester you again, just needed to apologise for that night and the things I was saying/way I was behaving. Thanks.

I think it's a good message. You're apologising for your bad behaviour, letting him know that's not who you are but have a drinking problem you're working on. Don't see anything wrong and if you ever bump into him at least he won't run to the other side of the road. I would get rid of the "I'll delete your number and won't pester you again" part as it's too personal. He's not going to get back with anyway or he may have blocked you so no need for the self deprecation. Keep things nice and simple. Don;t date in the meanwhile and go on therapy or 12 step program, you're not ready for dating.

Well done OP - it isn't about you 'getting' his forgiveness as a pp said... it's about him being given an apology which is due. That doesn't imply any reaction is owed at all, if it is given without expectation. I think even if he is still disgusted by the messages, he will be glad you did as giving it is more about acknowledging the unearned vitriol he was subjected to, than claiming any pity or forgiveness.

That message is for your benefit and yours alone. He doesn't need to ever read it. It's truly awful.

All you can do is get help for your drinking and move in with your life.

I don't think self-flagellation is needed OP.

The key thing is that you have today recognised your alcohol problem turns you into an unpleasant person - it's called Demon Drink for a reason, it can turn a normally pleasant person into a monster.

what would be really poor show and counterproductive to your recovery is if you don't learn the lesson from this episode and keep repeating it with other people. You need to avoid alcohol and not kid yourself that you can handle a little bit, nope you just can't.

good luck, self awareness is a great attribute to have, keep hold of it as you recover.

Op I feel for you I really do.

The guilt and embarrassment that would be etched on my mum’s face post drunken behaviour.

but I tell you what op - the apologies get wearing after a while. And soon enough, even though I knew she meant it. It really meant bugger all.

She died 19 years ago when I was 25

I agree that your short message is better, but I think an apology seems like a good idea and may benefit both parties, no? So long as OP is clear that there will be no continued relationshp going forward.

Also - the very best of luck OP. Hope you have some support going forward.

I think your message is nice.

The real question here though, is why are you dating when you know you won't treat partners well?
It's abusive. If you know you have an addiction that makes others feel unhappy, then you absolutely shouldn't be dating - and you know it.

Get help. Stay single while you do it.

I live with a regular drunk. He likes to be called a >high functioning alcoholic<.
Would an apology make any difference? No.
Should you send one anyway to make yourself feel better? No.
Write off this relationship. They will never forget the first time.
Be kind to yourself and seek help for your issues with alcohol, I promise they only ever get worse and will ruin your entire life.

I was speaking to a man recently I’ve known of for years but didn’t know he had an alcohol problem , nicest man sober but drinks every single night and in a 3 week period was vile to me at night after a drink via text/calls and the next day apology’s meant fuck all, after a week I grasped he was an alcoholic and was quick to tell him how vile he was towards me and that I don’t have time for that and won’t tolerate it but I can honestly say I wouldn’t appreciate your text would find it manipulative and self centred and I would only want to receive it a very very long time after you had sobered up for good and If you aren’t going to sober up then just swallow your words because they are meaningless to your victims

I think this is well worded, @jillmoan - I’d send @OhComeOnFFS’s message.

I would send it but stop after … I need to deal with it. I’d close with ‘again I’m truly sorry’ and I wouldn’t include the ‘I’ll delete your number stuff. X

Sort your drinking out, you are exactly what he said, an abusive drunk. Please go seek the help you need and deal with it.

What kind of stuff did you send?

does this make you want to stop drinking? (Not trying to be horrible. This is a genuine question. Friend of mine was an alcoholic which eventually broke our friendship and the rest of hers. She had no friends or family or children by the end of her drinking issues ). So I’ve been on the receiving end.

id forgave the first second or third time but eventually

As a side note Reddit have a very good stop drinking community- better than any other I’ve seen (I’m in Al anon)

sending the message only sets to redeem your shame. Don’t send it. Keep that shame and use it as the fire to get you sober.don’t tell him you’re sorry. Show him (even if he never sees you again) Good luck.

I've been on the receiving end of an abusive alcoholic. What I'd want to hear from you is this:
I want to sincerely apologise for the things I said. I'm an alcoholic and drinking distorts my perception of reality and I say things that are untrue. You are a good person who didn't deserve any of the abusive things I said. Please don't worry that I will message you again, I won't.

Don't send this. It's typical apology from an alcoholic. Lots of good intentions.
Just send the first para of your original apology and an admission it's your fault. Good luck, OP

That isn’t an apology text. That’s a self piteous mouthful.

Actually say sorry.

Good luck. It’s an ok message I’m sure it will be ok.

and you know what you have to do. I wish you well in your personal journey.

I had to cut off a best friend AND a serious boyfriend both for this exact issue, which was heartbreaking. It's nice to get a message like that as it's respectful to the person. I'd just keep it really short, then get serious help for your drinking else it will completely ruin your life. Something like:

'I apologise deeply for my abusive, regrettable behaviour on our last date - you didn't deserve any of it, and I'm seeking help for my drinking. Wishing you the absolute best for the future.'

I think people are being quite abusive themselves about your message, there’s nothing wrong with it, probably says more about them than you. Congratulations on your decision and conviction and all the best of luck to you in this.

I don't see anything wrong in you saying that to say sorry @jillmoan .

If you really like him you could even get rid of the end bit.

Don't say you're deleting his number, just say you can understand if he wants no more to do with you, but you are going to work on the drinking issue.

Good luck OP - I think there are sobriety support threads on here, if you want to find people on the same journey.

Get help with your alcohol issue. Go to AA. There are steps, and apologising is one of them, but you’re not there yet.

@MuserDame I liked your message.

OP you have texted him now, time to focus on a better future.