To send this text?

[jillmoan]

I have a drinking problem, as in I become really aggressive sometimes. Been seeing someone for few weeks and surprise surprise, as my story so often goes, I got drunk, became nasty and ruined things.

I haven't stopped thinking about it all week (happened last Saturday) and we haven't spoken since. Today was the first day I had the guts to go back and look at the messages. The things I were saying were really horrible, really nasty.

I genuinely am not sending this message to get anything from him, however, I really need to let him know that I know I was vile and I know my behaviour wasn't acceptable and apologise.

Do you think this message is okay to send?

Hiya, listen just wanted to apologise for my behaviour/messages/phone calls the other night. As you can probably tell I have my struggles with alcohol and have for a while, it turns me into not a nice person. Just have to apologise as I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I believe my behaviour is acceptable, I know it’s not and I need to deal with it. I’ll delete your number etc and won’t pester you again, just needed to apologise for that night and the things I was saying/way I was behaving. Thanks.

Also OP I think its great that you are trying to make amends and better late than never. I have no doubt this is all difficult for you so well done and best of luck xx

I would think he’s already blocked you, I would have.

I am an alcoholic in recovery. I think you should apologise, but keep it a bit shorter and do make it clear that you won’t contact him again,

Don’t even bother to message. You’ve burnt that bridge. What you say now has no bearing if he has any sense. Focus on working towards your sobriety. If you can’t drink without becoming abusive work toward not drinking. At all. Otherwise no relationship will work out for you. Wish you good luck. Those who reach out and get help from professionals have higher chance of succeeding in abstaining long term.

Please don't put I'd like to say I'm sorry.
It sounds as if you'd like to, but you're not going to. Also, I'm sorry 'if' I hurt you.

Neither are proper apologies, just going through the motions.

apology is a good idea.

The constructive suggestions you are getting are spot on.

Apologise unequivocally (no 'just' anything).
Acknowledge his feelings, his hurt/shock and his honesty
Admit you realise your alcohol-driven behaviour is not on and needs to change.
Let him know you expect nothing from this message only that you felt he deserved an apology.

I was once seeing a recovering alcoholic and when he relapsed he was horrible to me too. He did apologise but it was very much about him and making himself feel better and convincing himself he's not a bad person. I accepted the first one, after that it was meaningless.

OP I can understand why you want to tell this man sorry. The thing is, I think (even subconsciously) it's for your benefit rather than his.

This is part of the reason I don't like the AA ten step (or is it 12?) programme where people who have acted badly contact the people they've acted badly to. Over the years a few of my friends have received these 'making amends' messages from ex partners etc and it always either upset them or made them angry.

These messages were all years or at least months after the situation so brought back unwelcome memories. As this is so recent I would send the message but keep it far more succinct and more about him and just simply saying sorry than about your issues.

Good luck with staying sober OP x

Don't apologize, you don't really mean it. You know you do this, have abused others, and chose to put another person into the cross hairs of your abuse.

You are an abusive drunk. He was right. Acknowledge that.

Most abuse victims don't want an empty apology from someone who targeted them as their next victim of abuse.

I hope he never has anything to do with you again.

I agree with this, just apologise and the. Leave him alone.

Don't date again until you have dealt with your alcohol issue.

I think it’s good to send an apology (one of the reworked ones suggested here) and not block. He might want to have a voice and reply.

I think you should sent it.

You need to own your actions.

Your ‘apology’ doesn’t actually say you’re sorry.
If you want to send an apology you need to at least include the word sorry. I’m afraid it does come across as me,me,me.

As someone who has been where he is, I'm going to disagree with the people encouraging you to message him in any way, shape or form.

Please don't. Leaving him be and focusing on your recovery is the best thing for you, and for him.

I wouldn't send any texts but I would do it verbally.... either on the phone, even if it goes to voicemail, or in person

I would say:

I am really sorry, what I said was completely unacceptable, I have an alcohol problem, I understand this isn't any form of excuse though, I need to work on myself before I hurt anyone else. I don't expect you to forgive me and I understand that you won't want anything to do with me. I am truly sorry though.

Send it, you are allowed to apologise.

I think the message reads like it's minimising & also absolving yourself of the impact your abuse has.
'I Just...' and 'alcohol makes me...' is suggesting it's a little indiscretion & 'it's not me, it's the booze' plus the message is seeking he do all the active work in forgiving these things out of your control.
I'd say you need to acknowledge that you have been abusive & you're very sorry for all the terrible things you've said & how it's affected him.
Hold all the shit that you have to deal with yourself back. It will feel to the abused that it's sharing your excuses.

Those who are saying apologising is part of recovery... please reconsider when it comes to people you have historically harmed and have no contact with (rather than eg family members you still see). My friend received a message like this from her violent, alcoholic ex a few months ago (I know he's in AA so presume that's where it came from). It triggered her PTSD and threw her into a massive tailspin when previously she'd been doing so well in getting over it (and him).

Not saying all situations are like this but as I said above I've had several friends receive these messages and not in a single case did it make them feel better.

I was on the receiving end of something similar many years ago. He did contact me to apologise and told me he was depressed and alcohol brought out a terrible side of him.

To be honest, I'm glad he did, as he said some really awful, hurtful and very personal things about me. The apology and explanation made it a bit easier to get past the nasty things he said.

We occasionally bump into each other now and we always stop and chat.

Best of luck with everything.

I’m not sure I’d want to admit to having problems with alcohol over text or email. Particularly sending that message to someone that’s angry with me. Just leave it alone to be forgotten and working on helping yourself with your alcoholism.

That's a very attention seeking text. It's fishing for him to reply 'oh no don't delete my number'.
If the apology is genuine, a quick 'I'm so sorry' will do.

Being sorry in the message is good.
Pointing out that what you said was baseless/wrong matters.
'Justifying' yourself is to be avoided.

The texts I sent to you were baseless/stupid/untrue and the sort of thing an abusive drunk would send. I am very sorry and won't be in touch again.

I’d leave it well alone. It sounds like you’ve done enough and he’s not bothered to message you since it happened. He’s probably trying to or has moved on.

Best of luck getting support for your drinking