AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

@Namechangedforthis25 I only followed on from the one who would stand on the kid in a fire

A different way of agreeing

I don't wish death on the guy, as I said - if I so awful then I'd do what I could to force him out

I have no such intentions. He's grand. He doesn't bother me. I just don't love him

I have 3 stepchildren that i love dearly, they are all adults now and all at some point in their late teens early twenties have lived with us. My Husband loves my children and Grandchildren, he will do anything for them as i would for his. All of them are treated the same.
If you can't treat them the way you treat your own you have no business being a step parent.

Well that's the beauty of human nature, some people rise to the occasion and create beautiful things in their lives.

The op has a basic psychology and mindset. Not everyone is like that thankfully. It takes a certain kind of numpty to be proud of your unloving and unkind nature.

@oodlesofpotnoodles

Ok - you not loving him is fine

I think that first comment of yours was an absolute shocker. But it’s clear you Do a lot and seem to care in your own way so fair enough so my apologies

It's money grabbing to want you money to go to your children? Give over 😂

@Namechangedforthis25 thank you

Perhaps a clumsy way of saying that I view him very differently to my own children

But he isn't treated differently. If anything, this house revolves around his numerous hobbies and social life

When he was young and cute, it was more rewarding. Now I get grunted at from behind the fringe of doom and that's hard

But please rest assured, I will be stepmom of the year in about an hour's time when he gets his new trainers

And he'll give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I'm spending my evening running after him and he'll hit me up to convince his dad to let him stay out later

@PorkyPINE1 Some people lack the ability to think and emotions take over.
I stand to inherit approximately 400K one day in the distant future, my children will get 200K each when I die. His children will receive whatever the equity is in the property split into 4. They will also inherit from their mother, should she include my children in her will to keep things equal @Cucucucu ?

The scenario a few pages back with 3 kids, arguments over moving or room-sharing, holiday plans around the other 2 households involved, etc is the reason I wouldn't bother with another relationship if I were to divorce or be widowed. Even if you meet a childfree bloke he might want his own.
I had one child on purpose. One lot of financial outgoings for childcare/hobbies/uni, one child to get through school runs and work juggling, one to be able to treat when I want to. DS is the only grandson on both sides so gets a lot of attention. I'm fairly sure another man coming along with a couple of kids would not parent in the same way I do.

There are so many variables involved in step-parenting relationships that it's a unique experience for every family.

I know families where the (now adult) child and step-parent have a stronger bond than the child does with their bio parent. This normally reflects the age of the child when the family first comes together though, combined with a real effort being made by the step-parent and the conspicuous absence or general lack of consistent involvement of the non-resident bio parent. That said, one of my close friends has a beautiful relationship with her step-father and he wasn't a part of her life until she was 14 (she's now 50). The kindness and support he gave her at a very vulnerable time in her life, along with a real gelling of personalities, has made that relationship work long beyond the duration of her step-father's relationship with her mother, which ended years ago.

I've also seen step-parents moved in with families with no real thought about what that means for everyone long term, with both adults only thinking about the fact that they're in love and want to be together. Rarely works.

DH is step-parent to my DC. We were together for 6 months before he met the kids and another 6 months after that before he stayed over. It was a very, very slow process of integration. I told him what I expected from him in terms of being a step-parent and acknowledged that it was such a big ask it was arguably unreasonable. However, I also made it clear my DC were my first priority and deserved no less so if he wasn't prepared to step up we would continue to live separately or split up. We discussed finances etc long before he moved in and when we got married our wills were carefully crafted to protect everyone's interests.

DH has been a part of their lives for longer than he's not now. He's the one who's stood in the rain (often after only 3 hours of sleep following a shift) cheering them on at sport's matches. He's the one who attended school events either with me or instead of me when my job has got in the way. He's the one who set up an extra savings account for them because he wanted to see them have the best start in adult life. My DC do not call him dad and our family set up is not a secret but only my DC's friends know he's not their bio father. They generally refer to him as their father or us as their parents. They have never thrown the "you're not my father" line at him and they're grown up now so not likely to.

If you were to ask DH about his perspective, I'm pretty sure he'd tell you he had no real idea what he was taking on and at times felt it was a pretty thankless task. I'm not sure if he'd admit to being resentful of the limitations being a stepfather placed on him but even if he felt it he was mature enough to realise it wasn't the DC's fault and he had made an adult's choice to be in that situation. He's never, ever made us feel that we should be grateful that he took us on 🤮. He says being a stepfather has made him a more rounded person and he genuinely loves family life (sometimes more than I do I think).

I think for us that there were some unique to us factors that helped. Firstly bio dad not being in the picture at all (his choice). Secondly, DH always wanting children of his own but it never happening for him (we've never had any DC together as we both agreed we were too old). Thirdly, the power balance in our relationship is very very equal, not just in terms of earnings but domestic chores. DC also pull their weight. It sets a fundamental base line of respect IMO.

Statistically, step parents are more likely to abuse the children in their family than bio parents. Many step-parents just don't have a strong bond with their step DC and IMO nobody has any real right to demand that they do. It's a bloody tall order and many bio parents fail at it! However, don't become a blended family in that case is my view! Blood is not always thicker than water. Many step-parenting relationships are wonderful!

OP, I can't tell from your post if you're genuinely unhappy with the family set up full stop or just blowing off steam because you've just dealt with something. I think it's fine to say it's hard and thankless at times - that's parenting generally! You've clearly got the maturity to recognise it's not the DC's fault, so you're probably doing way better than you think you are. To try to make things better, try answering the following three questions. 1) How do you feel about your SDC? 2) How are you and your DH sharing parenting and household responsibilities, including finances? 3) What do you do with your SDC that is fun and will help create a bond?

The last one is key. It's the bond I have with my own DC, based on shared experiences, which helps me put up with the drudgery of parenthood and I think DH would say the same.

Hope it feels better soon .

I'm not one, but I always thought it could be nice having a special bond with children, like a special aunt or something. Unless they are spoiled brats then maybe not great.

*added to which, I’d be a shit step parent because ultimately I would step over them to reach my own children if there was a house fire!

As would I and I am a step parent so not sure what that says ha!*

Fuck me this is awful.

I would try to save all children. I can't believe I just read this.

Any experience of meeting a person with adult DC who no longer lived at home?

DH has been a part of their lives for longer than he's not now. He's the one who's stood in the rain (often after only 3 hours of sleep following a shift) cheering them on at sport's matches. He's the one who attended school events either with me or instead of me when my job has got in the way. He's the one who set up an extra savings account for them because he wanted to see them have the best start in adult life. My DC do not call him dad and our family set up is not a secret but only my DC's friends know he's not their bio father. They generally refer to him as their father or us as their parents. They have never thrown the "you're not my father" line at him and they're grown up now so not likely to.

And I bet he does all of that because YOU make it all worth it.

Generally the case with the mum/stepdad dynamic. Mums don’t cause problems for their partners like dads do eg through laziness, hence why your partner happily stands in the rain doing something for children that aren’t his.

That’s not a criticism by the way, it’s just a fact. It does demonstrate my post further up thread that if the parent is a decent parent and partner, the stepparent will take to the role more happily. I wouldn’t have willingly stood in the rain when I was with my ex and that’s the difference.

Posts like this are why I would never subject my own children to a SP. Far too many selfish people in this world, thinking everything revolves around them. I think people are quick to forget that the adults have a choice in the situation, the children do not.

A lot of SP also seem to forget that the bio parent in the relationship is just as related to, and responsible for, their own child as they are to any shared children. Therefore (if you’re any decent sort of parent) as an adult you will/should never ever be the priority over somebody’s children, no matter their age, and any shared children are no more important than the children that were there first.

Well in my experience of being a step parent of over 10 years - you reap what you sow. My step kids are grown now and have left home but we have an great (amd rewarding) relationship and they are lovely big siblings to our younger kids.

Sometimes it was hard and required compromise but isn't that always the way with all relationships?

I love my step kids and they love me. We are family.

That’s all very well but not every sc is an innocent ‘victim’ some behave appallingly & think they can behave how they like as being a sc automatically gives them a free pass. My sc caused untold amounts of discord & upset over many years (violence, theft, vandalism) I wouldn’t tolerate that from my own dc let alone someone else’s

It's not always being easy, but I met dh when dsd was 5. She was a delight, a really sweet kid, if a bit materialistic with toys and gadgets etc. I got to be step mum every weekend and I really enjoyed it, great practice for when dd came along 4 years later. Dsd is brilliant with dd, and now dsd is all grown up at 25 years old and has a little boy of her own I get to be a step grandma too. I guess your step parenting experience depends on what kind of parents they have and if you can click with them in a non related child - adult relationship.
I definitely admit that I hadn't been around kids much before dsd and I didn't always have realistic or reasonable expectations of her, so I was a bit harsh at times. I've apologized to her a few years ago and I'm really glad I did. She's really not been hard work though and is very likeable!

I don't think generally that blended families work very well. At best I think you could probably create a tolerable situation, but I think both step parents and step children have a bad time of it. I personally wouldn't want to have step kids at all, and I wouldn't want my kids to have a step parent - I think we'd be better off on our own, at least until the kids are adults, and I wouldn't want to live with anyone who would consider themselves to be equal in my home with my children.

I also think the demonising of step parents is mostly sexism, because women are expected to take on a carer role whether the children are hers or not. And that's an unfair burden to expect them to take on.

That said, I have seen a couple of step families work well together, but I think those were very particular circumstances. In one there was pretty much no input from the non resident birth parent on either side, so it was fully residential from a young age with both kids.

In the other my friend made sure she put in strict ground rules - both parents were active parents, therefore she didn't do pick ups, drop offs, day care, playing with, feeding, nor did she arrange any entertainment for them on the weekends as that is her time off. Her husband does that as they're his kids. I think that's probably the only real way it can work, a recognition of the fact that a step parent isn't a parent, and should not be expected to be. If the birth parents are reasonable then they should make their arrangements as though there isn't another party in place to help.

Well I must have done something right because mine chose to remain with me (she was 13 at the time so her wishes counted), and not her dad when we divorced. Yes I did "treat her as my own" which included doing all the "bad" stuff such as disciplining her, making her do chores, refusing to buy expensive trainers etc.

It really annoys me when the step parents are more likely to harm dc then biological parents line comes out on here. It's very untrue. The biggest threat to a child is their dad. Their actual dad not their step dad. And step mums are bottom of the parent list for harming the step child.

YANBU. I honestly think "blended families" bring more negatives than positives in the vast majority of cases.

As someone who has been a lone parent my entire life I decided early on I'd never force a step parent on my child, and I do not want to be a step parent myself either.

This is so sad
My dc have a step mum and step dad and they are totally fine with it
No one over steps the mark, nobody has to share a bathroom and it's actually positive for them as both their mum and dad are happy, with an extra two people in their life who care but don't overstep the mark!

I have two grown up step sons and would do anything for them although they don't actually need me for anything !!

Depends. Sometimes it is very tough. DH and I were both widowed and I have to be honest, that was horrendous and also so sad for the kids (although they were all very young when it happened, but it's a loss that resonates in different ways throughout the years). But in terms of successful step parenting, we don't have custody issues, children moving houses during the week, or any nonsense with exes like I hear so much about on here. It does make things more 'straightforward'.

I think the trick is to try and appreciate your relationship with DSC for what it is, and let it unfold as it unfolds, rather than try to force the connection.

I doubt many people go out into life with the aim to be a step parent, but that doesn't mean it's always a bad experience, or the wrong thing to do. Life is not always that simple, and I really feel the judgements from people whose journey to marriage and kids has been straightforward. Life can change in the blink of an eye and none of us knows what choices we would make in eventualities that have not occurred. A lot of people think they know.

I was a step mum for 9 years and I hated it.