AIBU to think he DOES need to ask me?

[OiJulie]

DH and I sometimes come to loggerheads over my stepchildren and it's because, I feel, he can never decide what it is he wants from me in relation to them.

Sometimes he wants me to be the doting SM who treats them like my own (when it suits i.e. he needs a babysitter) and others he makes out like decisions regarding them are nothing to do with me.

As such in recent years I've detached massively, this has been easier anyway as they have gotten older and needed less and less but we have argued about it before.

The latest, and the subject of my AIBU, is him saying he shouldn't need to ask my "permission" to say DSC can have friends over (multiple) to stay the night.

AIBU to think that actually, leaving aside the fact they aren't my children, it is my house where our young DC also reside and so yes he does need to run it by me.

It's like he thinks because they aren't my children he shouldn't ever have to ask if anything is okay regarding them and it doesn't matter if it affects me or not because I'd be totally unreasonable to say no from time to time.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

I'm not saying DSC can't have sleepovers, it's the fact that H thinks it's fuck all to do with me even though it's my home and my children's sleep potentially affected etc.. like just be polite and run it by me? I'd say yes 99% of the time!

Why are you staying with him?

Shorter version: H thinks he shouldn't need to ask me if his older children, my step children, can have sleepovers whereas I think it's only polite considering it's my house and we also have joint children living here.

I'd have left a long time ago tbh

I've thought about it a lot tbh.

Is YOUR house or marital home? Thinking of ease in which you can ltb!
How old are the teenagers and where do they sleep?

He sounds off his tits. He reckons you don't get a say in whether there are overnight guests in your home? Sounds like uses his kids as a proxy to get at you.

It's the marital home that we bought together.

DSC have their own room.

Of course he should ask you!

What if you have plans that evening? What if you have plans for the following morning? What if you feel ill? What if there isn't enough food in the house to cater for 3 additional people?

It's just courteous. If you were to invite your friends over for a girls night in, surely he would want to know in advance?

Even if OUR son wanted a sleep over, I’d want my DH to run it past me! It’s just polite? You all live in the same house ffs! He’s a dick.

Yep. I just got informed of some multi teen sleepover last night and then he acted like I was a right cow for having any sort of thoughts about it because he shouldn't need my "permission" and I'd be fine if it were our DC.

It's not the sleepover, it's the complete lack of consideration and how I'm only ever "allowed" to treat them like my own if it means never disagreeing or saying no then it becomes all 'they are MY kids and you just don't care about them blah blah blah'.

Whether they're your children or step children, it's courtesy to ask the other adult if they're happy for a child to have friends to stay over.

He's taking the piss and it's funny how he has to be up for work the next day, I'm guessing leaving you with a house full on a weekend morning.

And then add more children into the mix! Each to their own but it certainly wouldn’t be my choice!

I do actually have plans this morning and I'll be keeping them so I hope none of the parents mind them being home alone because they will be 🤷‍♀️

He should consult you, it affects you and your children, it is just polite. I would always talk to Dh about it and that is for our children, no step children involved. Sleepovers are noisy, chaotic, usually everyone in the house suffers from lack of sleep. So yes, the adults discuss it.

This is atrocious OP, YANBU

Another prime example was at Christmas where I feel he often goes stupidly overboard spending on them like honestly ridiculous, flapping at the last minute because the pile isn't big enough and filling it with utter tat they'll never use (even though it's only a small pile because they have crazily expensive gadgets!).

I commented on that this year saying I think he was being stupid and they didn't need anything else and got the whole 'they are MY children, I'll spend whatever I want on them, it's none of your business what I spend on them or if I want to buy them X Y and Z'.

It's true we do have separate finances so technically I guess he can spend what he likes providing he can still contribute his share. But where does that then fit in with the times he goes on about me treating them like my own? Are they my business or not?

As I say, only when it suits!

So yes I gave up a while ago now trying to 'treat them like my own'. They aren't and I clearly don't get the same say as I would if they were my own.

But when it affects my home and my own children potentially I don't think it matters, I should be asked it's just polite.

I'd be contacting the parents of the "guest" children advising them that their teenage kids will be left in the house, alone, and to come & collect their own kids as soon as possible. Then I'd get the step children to give their rooms a thorough cleaning. Along with any room(s) that their guests used.

I'd also tell the shithead of a father, that if he pulled a stunt like that again, it would be the last time!

He wouldn’t need your permission if he lived in his own home but it’s not even permission it’s just simply courtesy to speak to each other. I couldn’t live with someone like this.

To be honest, your husband sounds like a dick. I have SC but they live in another country. I was in a similar situation but from the mother's side not my husband. I was fine being step mom when I was sending £500 a month of my own money for them to help out (on top of the £2000 a month my husband was sending) and when I was buying the birthday presents (always wanting things like £175 gold earrings and such) but the second I disagreed with something I was an evil bitch and the kids were none of my business.

I've put my foot down because he said nothing to the mother just to keep the peace. Well now I have NOTHING to do with them. The final straw was when she (the mother) sent things for 3 out of 4 of my kids. Now kiddos want to come over and stay for a month and I'm expected to just say OK. We'll it's not ok. I've got 4 month old twins and I'm supposed to put one of my other kids out of their room and make them share. It's no. If nobody is happy about it then tough. This is my home and my kids home. I'm not a doormat. You should tell them all where they stand with you. Its not right how they treat you. You deserve respect.

This is just another issue in a long line. On its own and it was a one off I would at least expect, 'I've agreed to this , any issues?', if they were friends I knew etc i wouldnt have any worries. If i was the parent arranging it id be a bit annoyed if other parent wanted a long discussion or said no for no real reason. But it isnt about this one off is it?

Yes absolutely he needs to discuss this with you beforehand op. Don't let him turn this around on you and make out you're the one being unreasonable because you're not.

I wouldn't even say yes to DS having pals for a sleepover without running it past DH as a courtesy. It's a shared house and everyone is impacted by extra bodies being there overnight.

'I've agreed to this , any issues?'

I don't think he should be agreeing at all really until he's checked with me. Otherwise I then have to be the evil one saying no after he's already agreed or be guilted into saying yes when I may not want to.

But yes it's definitely not the only issue.