AIBU to think he DOES need to ask me?

[OiJulie]

DH and I sometimes come to loggerheads over my stepchildren and it's because, I feel, he can never decide what it is he wants from me in relation to them.

Sometimes he wants me to be the doting SM who treats them like my own (when it suits i.e. he needs a babysitter) and others he makes out like decisions regarding them are nothing to do with me.

As such in recent years I've detached massively, this has been easier anyway as they have gotten older and needed less and less but we have argued about it before.

The latest, and the subject of my AIBU, is him saying he shouldn't need to ask my "permission" to say DSC can have friends over (multiple) to stay the night.

AIBU to think that actually, leaving aside the fact they aren't my children, it is my house where our young DC also reside and so yes he does need to run it by me.

It's like he thinks because they aren't my children he shouldn't ever have to ask if anything is okay regarding them and it doesn't matter if it affects me or not because I'd be totally unreasonable to say no from time to time.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

I'm not saying DSC can't have sleepovers, it's the fact that H thinks it's fuck all to do with me even though it's my home and my children's sleep potentially affected etc.. like just be polite and run it by me? I'd say yes 99% of the time!

That is also in the manipulative NRP toolkit.

They will necessarily be treated differently because they are individuals and the circumstances are different. In most families things are different for the youngest children (especially if there’s an age gap) simply because when they’re teens, there are no young children to consider. But, equally, when the eldest was young, everyone’s life was ordered around a young child and they didn’t have to fit in with older children.

On sleepovers though, you’ll probably find that you find the idea just as dreadful when it’s your teens. Because most parents do.

He’s just doing the Disney dad with you as scapegoat thing. Which is a stepfamily cliche!

Could he have any less regard or respect for you.

Why on earth are you having children and staying with such a loser?

Clearly you are the convenient skivvy aupair.

Telling you that children are staying is really the lowest rung of disrespect.

Are you very caught financially that you have to put up with this?

Start being even less involved.

I hope you do stick to your plans for today op. He can manage any irate messages from the dc's dps if they aren't happy they were left alone...
I have dc. I always discuss plans for my dc with dh. We all live here. He isn't a lodger who needs no consulting!
Maybe he sees you as staff op?

hes being able utter arse

as they’re his kids and you have no say I assume he’s done all the practical organising? Ensuring everone has a place to sleep? Clean duvets/sleeping bags/pillows/whatever? Made sure there is a resdy & large flow of snacks & drinks? Or is he expecting you to facilitate that too? As well as cleaning up after them all?

What an odd statement for you to make. Have you ever fallen in love??

There are very odd people on MN. This is established fact.

OP of course he should check with you having a sleep over is a significant thing that affects he whole household.

Oh yes I'll be doing absolutely nothing. They are in DSCs room so I don't clean that anyway and I'm not rushing round making everyone breakfast this morning whilst DH is out either.

I would be considering if I should stay in this relationship long term 🤔

No blended family runs smoothly. But from what you have said he really needs to change his behaviour. And he needs to consider you. It won't be long before your own child picks up on all the tension he has created. Best of luck.

Well I check with my partner first if the kids want sleepovers- in case he's tired etc. it's only polite. There are 2 of you that have to share the space with them. And wake up the next day with them.
I think he's being v rude and disrespectful of you.

I mean by his logic you can invite your whole extended family over to stay the night when you're planning to be out and he is at home, and not tell him...because they're YOUR family not his, and it's none of his business who you invite into your home

Even for my own kids I'd expect my husband to discuss sleepovers with me before agreeing

I do actually have plans this morning and I'll be keeping them so I hope none of the parents mind them being home alone because they will be 🤷‍♀️

Why is their father not going to be there? they're his responsibility.

I’m another one wondering why he has gone out and left his children there.

He’s a CF! I’d have binned him along time ago!
How very disrespectful he is to you!

100%. Neither one of us would say yes to a sleepover without consulting the other, be that family, friends, children, whatever!!

Seems like he is always telling you what to do or how to feel or not feel, instead of treating you like his partner that he loves
and respects. I couldn’t do it.

My husband and I only have children together and no step children.

I'd be furious if he agreed to several teens sleeping over without checking with me first and/or dropping it on me at the last minute.

It's just common courtesy and the decent thing to do when you share a home.

He is a twat and if this isn't an isolated incident and he does other things of a similar nature I'd be looking to leave him.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

YANBU. Is he expecting you to be there in the morning and give them breakfast?

I would stop doing the babysitting favours.

There is no appeal, per se. I don’t know anyone that would seek it out. Many of us do make it work though. Happily and quietly. Like someone else said up thread - the happy ones don’t start threads to talk about how happy they are.

Ditto for all the happy non-blended marriages and families. I only seem to read about the shit ones on here.

All that said, I reiterate that you are right: nobody goes out looking to fall in love with someone that is already a parenting. (At least, nobody normal does!)

Stupid generalisation.

Works perfectly for me/is because my DH isn’t a selfish tool.

He's clearly a right asshole

Did any of this behaviour show before you moved in together and you had kids by him?
You've ignored red flags, if so.

He clearly thinks you should do or not do whatever the fu k he wants you too, and is high handed, disrespectful and doesn't want an equal relationship.

You were a fool to take him and his kids on, let alone tie yourself to him with with shared kids.

Most of these divorced and separated men are no fucking good, that's why they're divorced and separated. The "we just didn't get on" line about their ex is bullshit. Why oh why do women keep falling for it.

I don't know what you can do now you're stuck on this position.... Fight your corner, which I predict will lead to abuse or at best stressful conflict .... Or cut your losses and get out.

I agree with everything except the bit about not choosing a parent. I am childfree by choice. I actively sought out a person with children so I wouldn’t be under pressure to have kids. And it was the best thing I did. I love my DSC, love my DH and am no longer feeling pressure to have kids. I know it’s unusual, but it really works! And I love how I can now relate to my friends with kids as we have DSC 50%. It’s perfect for me.

And before the usual posts demanding of divorced and separated women are the same..... Are they men? Are women and men identical? NO.

In my experience, with a few minor exceptions, most women who end up divorced or separated do so because their ex is a fkg asshole, while most men who end up divorced or separated do so because they are a fkg asshole.
I only have to listen to women who are with divorved and separated men for two mins most of the time to establish that their partners are assholes, but that they're too green, soft, have too low standards etc. not to have stayed involved with them and entered into commitment with them.

Well, isn't that lovely for you @FilthyforFirth - lovely that your life has been so straightforward? We hear enough about shitty men on here to realise that plenty of 'traditional' families don't really work, tbh.

My husband and I were both widowed in our thirties, subsequently married to each other and in a blended family.

It works because we treat each other with consideration and wouldn't pull a trick like OP's husband has.

Well I did think yanbu but yes yes you are do you mean a sleepover at there own dads house?! Surely not….

Yes their dad's house. Which also happens to be my house as well along with our young DC.

I'm not saying they can't have one, I'm saying I should be asked not just told he doesn't need to ask me because they aren't my kids.

They aren't, but the house they are having said sleepover in is!