AIBU to think he DOES need to ask me?

[OiJulie]

DH and I sometimes come to loggerheads over my stepchildren and it's because, I feel, he can never decide what it is he wants from me in relation to them.

Sometimes he wants me to be the doting SM who treats them like my own (when it suits i.e. he needs a babysitter) and others he makes out like decisions regarding them are nothing to do with me.

As such in recent years I've detached massively, this has been easier anyway as they have gotten older and needed less and less but we have argued about it before.

The latest, and the subject of my AIBU, is him saying he shouldn't need to ask my "permission" to say DSC can have friends over (multiple) to stay the night.

AIBU to think that actually, leaving aside the fact they aren't my children, it is my house where our young DC also reside and so yes he does need to run it by me.

It's like he thinks because they aren't my children he shouldn't ever have to ask if anything is okay regarding them and it doesn't matter if it affects me or not because I'd be totally unreasonable to say no from time to time.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

I'm not saying DSC can't have sleepovers, it's the fact that H thinks it's fuck all to do with me even though it's my home and my children's sleep potentially affected etc.. like just be polite and run it by me? I'd say yes 99% of the time!

No LOL it’s NOT a sleepover it’s half there home?! Seriously can you not see that???

He’s a selfish prick.

It is a sleepover when they are having friends over!

Are you okay? They are having their friends sleepover... Ergo a sleepover... What would you like me to call it? 😂

They are having friends over

LOL

I'm trying to remember how sleepovers worked in our house. I think up to about 14 or so, the child concerned asked whichever parent was around and it was written on the calendar if it didn't clash with anything. I can't remember much consultation going on! From about 14/15 I think we usually knew people were sleeping over by the elephant sized trainers in the hall. And we knew if a particular friend of ds's was there because of the tripping hazard that was his unicycle.

I don't know if it's just me but regardless of whether they are step children or just your DC I'd expect a heads up. I can’t imagine arranging a sleep over for my DS and not telling my husband and vice versa, it's just common courtesy.

What would you call it then when they are having their friends over for the night to stay?

LOL

It's really rude. It's your home.

Your marriage is already over, I'm afraid. It's so easy to see why some men's prior relationship ended. I bet his ex would have loads of stories to tell you.

Is he planning to get food in, cook for them, set the beds up, then clean up after them? Because if he’s not assuming any labour from you at all then that’s one thing, although he still should have mentioned it. If he’s assuming you will do any of that then he’s being massively disrespectful not to talk to you about it.

Hes a selfish prick . He would be out the door. Tell him to find his own place where he can do what he wants with HIS kids and stop treating you like shit.

No-one with manners invites guests and then buggers off leaving someone else to feed and water them without asking.

Guests are 12-13 (year 8).

Would you be impressed if your year 8 went somewhere overnight and the person in charge went off elsewhere? Thought not.

I'd be fine with that @Phineyj - I wouldn't agree to a sleepover if the other parents were going out for the evening & my kids being home alone then, but if they're sleeping over at a friends and they're alone the next morning, that's totally fine to me as at that age, they're absolutely old enough to be home / go out & about on their own.

That doesn't change the fact that the Op should have been consulted before anyone was allowed to stay over, but I do think all the concern about their breakfast & babysitting 12 year olds this morning is unwarranted. They're old enough to look after themselves.

YANBU.

Unfortunately that's what you get as a stepmum - expected to pick up the shit bits like their parent, but have no say in anything else, because you're not their parent.

Yes LOL it IS a sleepover. Seriously can you not see that???

The issue isn't the SC.

The issue is he doesn't see you guys as an equal partnership and has enough respect for you to make joint decisions.

You would have the same objection if it was him having 3 of his friends around for a poker & saying the night or having his mother come to stay without asking.

I would take the SC out of the argument as the natural tenancy for many parents is to become defensive of their kids during an argument. It's a matter of respect and joint decision making & it not just because they are SC.

That said, he does seem like a dick who won't listen whatever way your articulate this.

Make other plans for you and your DC the night step DC have their sleep over.
let him see how hard it is, supervising, preparing snacks, getting meals.

It's time OP. You have been disrespected for many years no matter what you do and hopefully you can now see that nothing will change. You have to obey him unquestionably or leave, there is no longer the possibility of middle ground.

If there is a next time (and he leaves early), can you afford to book yourself and lo into a b&b type place so he has the inconvenience of either cancelling the sleepover or cancelling his morning?

He's rude and bad-mannered.
You wouldn't take this from a work colleague never mind a husband.

That's fair enough but the OP has no way of knowing if the parents of the teenagers in question feel more like you, or like me.

My DD has some additional needs. One of her friends is type 1 diabetic.

If you don't know, you don't know.

If anything goes wrong, OP will get the blame!

No she won't @Phineyj as she wasn't involved in making the arrangements. If any of the DCs staying over have any sort of needs, then that's on those parents to speak to the Ops DH.

You can't assume that at that age there will always be an adult present when your DC is at someone else's house, so you'd always be wise to check in your particular circumstance if that's one of your requirements.

Meanwhile, back in the real world 90% of parents consider that stuff the woman's responsibility...

I have a 10 year old. She is very social and has lots of friends. DH and I split family stuff down the middle. I have had not one invite from the dad of a DC friend (DH does get the odd thing about days out but sleepovers...as if a bloke will get involved with those...) Occasionally I've made some arrangements with the dad where the parents are separated but the mum is always involved to start with.

I have been astonished how gendered it all is. Every single party or event, I have to ask them to add DH to the WhatsApp.