AIBU to think he DOES need to ask me?

[OiJulie]

DH and I sometimes come to loggerheads over my stepchildren and it's because, I feel, he can never decide what it is he wants from me in relation to them.

Sometimes he wants me to be the doting SM who treats them like my own (when it suits i.e. he needs a babysitter) and others he makes out like decisions regarding them are nothing to do with me.

As such in recent years I've detached massively, this has been easier anyway as they have gotten older and needed less and less but we have argued about it before.

The latest, and the subject of my AIBU, is him saying he shouldn't need to ask my "permission" to say DSC can have friends over (multiple) to stay the night.

AIBU to think that actually, leaving aside the fact they aren't my children, it is my house where our young DC also reside and so yes he does need to run it by me.

It's like he thinks because they aren't my children he shouldn't ever have to ask if anything is okay regarding them and it doesn't matter if it affects me or not because I'd be totally unreasonable to say no from time to time.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

I'm not saying DSC can't have sleepovers, it's the fact that H thinks it's fuck all to do with me even though it's my home and my children's sleep potentially affected etc.. like just be polite and run it by me? I'd say yes 99% of the time!

Sounds awful. So glad I don’t live in a country like England then. This ’real world’ wouldn’t work in Scandinavia.

I think there is a lot of research to show the UK is more structurally sexist than Scandinavia.

Not sure re blended families though. You'd hope better support for families would keep more of them together.

This isn't an isolated incident

@Phineyj hopefully generations to come will change things, to a more equal society.

If he's going to say yes without asking you then he needs to be there

@Gothambutnotahamster

a best friend that's there all the time, fine. But several, no, I don't think that's ok.

it's also inhospitable I think. If you let your kids have friend to sleep over, I think you should be around & sorting meals etc.not leaving them to fend for themselves or relying on the other parent to do it, unasked, especially when that person is frequently told they're HIS kids, not hers.

In your world, thankfully not in mine. Plus, the Op isn't the mum, so even if it is seen as the mums job, then that's not the Op.

I completely agree @ThursdayFreedom - unless you've misunderstood my posts, I'm 100% in agreement with you. Although I do think that at age 12-13, kids are old enough to be at home alone. Doesn't mean it's inhospitable but does mean the op can go out without feeling in any way obliged.

I don’t understand how you are still with this guy. How has he managed to orchestrate a life where he feels comfortable enough to say this to you. This is ridiculous. I can’t imagine how many other ways he’s controlling your life if you’re not even allowed an opinion on who and when people stay in your home. He is mad. please leave.

Surely this is the sort of thing you’d run by your DP even if the kids were biologically yours??

@Gothambutnotahamster

i think 12 yo's left home alone is a parents decision and if you host one, it's not really your decision, just a bit too young to decide that for other peoples children. Especially when there's a group of them.

plus I DO think if you have kids on sleep overs you should be there to organise breakfast etc.

same as if you invite adult friends to stay, it's just expected you'll be there to organise breakfast etc

so I do think it's inhospitable, BUT That was up to the Sc's DAD.

I'm not disagreeing @ThursdayFreedom but that's on the dad, not the step mum, so if he has a different view, then that's fine too.

The stepmum has nothing to get involved with if she goes out and leaves them home alone as they're old enough to be left, so nothing for her to feel guilty / worry about.

FWIW, given the age of the children involved, if you are the kind of parent who doesn't leave them home alone or always expects an adult present, you'd be best either not letting them have sleepovers or checking with the host parents as what the dad has done isn't that unusual or unheard of either.

They're having their friends round to sleep over, what would you you call that then?

I'd have said I didn't know you were off tomorrow. And be out before he leaves for work

Smoking drinking and stupidity not to mention texting others to come over....yep no supervision required

I didn't say supervision wasn't required @jannier but at age 12-13, unless they're complete tearaways, they really can be trusted to be home alone on a Saturday morning. Unless my kids and all my friends kids are complete anomalies, in which case I'll be grateful that I have decent trustworthy kids!

So how do you supervise them by leaving them home alone?

My kids are trustworthy @jannier so I do leave them home alone. That's not the point of this thread though - my point was that I agree with the Op in that her DH shouldn't have anyone for a sleepover without checking with her first, however focusing on them needing supervised was not correct.

Sleepovers are not your kids they are unknown so supervision is a consideration you can't make your 12/13 year olds police others because others don't always listen and can do silly things

I'm not sure why you keep fixating on me and my comments @jannier - I agree with the Op, her DH is out of order not asking if she's ok with the sleepover.

She has no responsibility at all to the kids who are sleeping over. That's on her DH as none of the other parents have engaged with her. However in my opinion, at 12-13, they're old enough to be home alone on a Saturday morning. So whilst it's not very hospitable of her DH to not be there, the Op is fine to go about her business & leave them home alone as it's nothing to do with her & especially as they're old enough to be left home alone.

I'm replying to your quoting my name???? Yes it's oh responsibility, yes my 12 /13 year olds would be responsible to be left home alone....but they wouldn't be alone they will be with 3 others on a sleep over have you heard of teenagers drinking etc?

What happened @OiJulie ? Was it yesterday morning?

They are having friends sleeping over. That is a sleepover.

This

Your OH is being unfair and as you say the outcome will be you withdraw from the SM role more and more.
Tbh my first thoughts when you said he was going to work early the following morning was 'Well that's interesting, because I'd planned to go out with little one at 9am'....
I think even if they were all your children, or friends of your children, it's common curtesy to run these things by the other person. No, he doesn't need permission but then neither do you if you decide to invite people over for the night! I bet you've never done that, at best a playdate that you took complete responsibility for and probably mentioned to him, but he ignored/forgot.