AIBU to think he DOES need to ask me?

[OiJulie]

DH and I sometimes come to loggerheads over my stepchildren and it's because, I feel, he can never decide what it is he wants from me in relation to them.

Sometimes he wants me to be the doting SM who treats them like my own (when it suits i.e. he needs a babysitter) and others he makes out like decisions regarding them are nothing to do with me.

As such in recent years I've detached massively, this has been easier anyway as they have gotten older and needed less and less but we have argued about it before.

The latest, and the subject of my AIBU, is him saying he shouldn't need to ask my "permission" to say DSC can have friends over (multiple) to stay the night.

AIBU to think that actually, leaving aside the fact they aren't my children, it is my house where our young DC also reside and so yes he does need to run it by me.

It's like he thinks because they aren't my children he shouldn't ever have to ask if anything is okay regarding them and it doesn't matter if it affects me or not because I'd be totally unreasonable to say no from time to time.

I then get accused of being moody or being unfair / treating them differently to how I'd treat my children if I'm put out by just being informed at 6pm that evening that 3 teenagers are coming to stay (when he's in work the next morning by the way).

I'm not saying DSC can't have sleepovers, it's the fact that H thinks it's fuck all to do with me even though it's my home and my children's sleep potentially affected etc.. like just be polite and run it by me? I'd say yes 99% of the time!

Plenty of blended families work perfectly well. I’m in a happy one and I’ve got several good friends and two sets of cousins who were raised in happy ones. Always remember ‘the negative screams, the positive whispers.” Those of us with happy blended families aren’t starting threads to discuss it.

Ah, so he’s playing superdad who buys loads of stuff and supports multi-teen sleepovers - and doesn’t like being reminded that he needs to give any basic consideration to anyone else who lives in the house, including his younger children.

Awful. Does he realise that his step family double standards and general lack of consideration of anyone but himself (this stuff his about him alleviating divorced dad guilt etc, not actually about the kids) may well mean that he gets to be a nonresident father to all his children?

It's not permission
It's courtesy

Tell him you have plans and he will need to be home with them. Then go out for the evening as well as in the morning. Bonus points if you can stay out all night.

Yeah humiliate the kids, what a brilliant way to teach the dad a lesson 🙄

He should of course run it by you first. He doesn't need to treat you like that. What's his real reason for not telling you? Seems like he is vying for a fight. What's your SC like to you and your child? Just wondering why you repeatedly refer to it as your home - isn't it your family home?

And make sure he tidies up any mess they make too.

Well let’s hope you never fall in love with someone who already has kids.

Most blended families work. The largest growing sector of families in the UK is blended and at the moment is around 1 in 3. Such cynicism is a shame I think and if you fall in love with someone it is not about just finding someone else because there are so many people there will be one out there without kids.
What an odd statement for you to make. Have you ever fallen in love??

I couldn’t live like this. YANBU

it’s horrible to make arrangements and then pretend you’re ‘checking’ with your partner. You’re trying to make it impossible for them to object if you do that.

‘SC has asked for this. What do you think?’ Is better - so long as it is a genuine question and he’ll listen (rather than grab the ‘you hate my kids mwahh mwahh’ approach from the manipulativeNRF toolkit).

Actually thinking about everyone else in the first place would be even better. Making the effort himself and caring about everyone else.

DS2 has often asked me for multi-teen sleepovers that will disturb the toddler. Sometimes for weeknights in half term when I have work in the morning. I don’t feel bad about explaining to him why it’s not happening. But suggesting something reasonable like he invites his friends round for the afternoon and we do burgers for dinner. Notably, none of his friends parents are agreeing to host 7 teenage boys overnight either. Recently their attempts to do it at one of the boy’s houses resulted in a barbecue in the garden instead.

I did it ONCE, for his birthday. And made arrangements for the toddler to be elsewhere so only I was inconvenienced. Inevitably I was telling them at 2am that I’d call their mums if they didn’t shut up and go to sleep!

Why isn't he at home this morning to watch them?

I would be inclined to take myself off, leaving him to deal with it all. Don’t buy any snacks etc, he can organise it all.

I honestly couldn’t live like this. Hats off to anyone in a blended family working hard to make it work. I have a couple of friends in your situation OP and they are worn down by it.

Personally I think he can very hyper sensitive to any perceived difference in treatment between our children together and his. In his mind I'd never say no to our DC having a sleepover so I can't ever say no to his (our DC are very young though and have never had sleepovers yet!).

I'll hold my hands up and admit I don't treat them like my own, and I rarely even try to anymore. But that's because I grew sick of the whole treat them like your own when it helps me out but then stick your nose out when it doesn't. That's not treating them like my own, that's just being used when he wants it and told to mind my own when he doesn't.

I refer to it as my house in this thread because I think it's relevant that it is also my house. It's our marital home so yes his and DSCs house too but it is also mine hence why on these occasions I do think it's only right that he runs it by me, because it's not just his and his children's home. It's mine and our children's as well.

If they're teenagers then I doubt they need watching, so no issue that they're home alone.

However that's not the point. The fact is he should have run it by you as that's common courtesy, respecting the fact that it's your home and you should always have a say if anyone stays over.

I have. I am in my love with my husband with whom I have two children with. I would not have fallen in love with someone who already had kids. It is a personal choice of course, but certainly not one for me and I struggle to see the appeal.

Oh honestly if I did have my time again I'd NEVER get with anyone who had other children again. So I don't take any offence to people saying they can't see the appeal. Neither can I anymore. It's just like a lot of hard work and a lot of guilt trips more than anything.

They are all around 12/13.

Probably fine to stay alone (and they will be because I'm going out, if any of the parents have an issue they can take it up with H who agreed they could stay when he wasn't even here).

He has no respect for you. I'd be out.

I assume you've pointed out that it still wouldn't be fine if it were your DC? You can't get rid of prior appointments, magic up food, cure yourself if you're unwell etc irrespective of whose children are involved? What is his response to that?

He just insists I'll be different when it's our children. And I have no reference point to argue back with because our children haven't had any sleepovers yet so all I can say is 'I won't' and he thinks I'm making it up.

This is mental, if they were your own kids he still should check. Them being step kids has nothing to do with it.

And it's not even really about the reasons for saying no. It's about just being asked. I probably would have said yes last night after reminding him he isn't here this morning and I have plans and so he'd need to check with the parents.

It's just the complete lack of any consideration and then acting like I'm unreasonable for wanting that because they aren't my kids anyway.

And then he wonders why I've detached myself!

As another poster says, he really does have no respect for you. I'm so sorry Op as that's a shitty life to live.

Presumably because some people love who they married and would like to try and iron out issues rather than bail instantly.