to ask why this isn't being addressed as a huge sexist issue that frankly shits on women completely?!

[howaboutl]

I know some men are in this position but let’s be honest, it’s mostly women. Why isn’t there outrage about this? If there is how do I join and help make change?

My ex partner walked out on me and dd when she was 1. He doesn’t see her, his choice entirely. He has no other children and doesn’t live with any other children. I am left to pay a childcare bill of 1,300 alone, while he contributes 500 quid when he is working. He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings.

How is this accepted that I pay our child’s childcare bill alone? Is it just that there aren’t actually that many women (or men to lesser extent) in this situation so nothing is down about it because in the grand scheme of things we are a minority?

I cannot understand why I am expected to pay for OUR child’s nursery bill so we can both work? Why am I footing the bill for this and he is not?

@IceCreamQueen86

But then defacto couples can get protections from arranging a binding financial arrangement before they move in or before the 6 months period is reached.

A Binding Financial Agreement takes into account what each person brings into the relationship, their contributions during the relationship and other conditions that would come into effect, for example, such as the birth of any children.

And if either partner wants one, it forces a conversation about your respective contributions and what is ‘fair’ going forward.

I think the current status quo of non-married women so often carrying the domestic load, caring load and left with nothing in unmarried relationships can’t continue; and is immoral and too often leaves women in perilous circumstances.

Marriage should be irrelevant when it comes to financial responsibility for your kids.

It’s not about marriage. I was the higher earner and was better off not married. It’s not about women needing men to support them - it’s about men not carrying their share of the responsibility for their own children. And not being forced to do so by the state or society.

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime oh I agree, they'd do it if they absolutely had to, but in the meantime how many balls get dropped and experiences, costumes, trips, correct equipment etc missed, and that's just the trivial stuff. My ex isn't at all involved in that aspect, though he was when we were together..to go back to the "you should have picked better" theme...he genuinely was great, until he wasn't.
To the pp who said working out agreed costs is too difficult, well that's just a weak position that basically says its easier to let women be continually screwed over then actually put in the legwork to figure it out. If there has to be unfairness, I'd rather rather it was skewed in favour of the RP who is actually providing all the meaningful parenting, than a Disney eow dad. At least then the child gets decently provided for.

@SueVineer

I agree it’s not about marriage. It’s about every aspect of our social / cultural / familial / working environments which mean women are left with lesser resources but having to do so much heavy lifting, especially with the care of children.

And I think we need to target all aspects of our social / cultural / familial / working environments to create change for better support, entitlements and protections for women.

For eg, Women in defacto relationships (including those who have children) do not have legal and/or financial protections for their often non-financial contribution. As compared to if they were married. This issue disproportionately impacts women to men. This is unacceptable.

Culturally, that men in defacto or married relationships more often than not have weaponised incompetence and don’t do their fair share of domestic and caring work - again, unacceptable.

And it makes me despair. There needs to be a reckoning and honest conversations about how to make changes in all these environments to improve the lived experiences of women, and for all.

As a society we have stalled in making progress in chipping away at the structures that keep women disadvantaged.

This is an absolutely brilliant idea

I know this thread is on cost of childcare but I think literal childcare should be tackled too.

My ex does pay the minimum maintenance he has to. But won't take time off work to look after our disabled child. I've had to quit work to care for him. My whole future earning gone, no pension etc etc etc. maintenance only lasts while this kid is a child I'm not sure my care responsibilities end there. I'm poor for life whe I wasn't just as well as ex pre kids. my ex moves on with life and because he has his challenging kiddo every other week is lauded a saint for doing so much.

Ex can refuse to care for his kid but when I go to social services say I need help I can't do this please take him so I can have a break and be able to cope they come at me from child protection point of view. They don't have any concerns about the father who refuses to step up. Didn't even talk to him it's just expected this child is mum's problem

It's wrong. Children are our blessing but they should not be the end to our independence. Men need to be answerable

Sometimes you have to let the balls drop. The kids will be fine. Maybe these fathers
need to see the disappointment in their children’s faces for them in order for them to shape up.

For the record, I would never say “You should have chosen better” to anyone. That’s red pill/misogyny speak!
I’ve been there and luckily got out. I speak from experience and would never allow myself to go back there. Unfortunately, I learnt the hard way. Fortunately, I learnt early enough.

Agreed.

I truly believe that deadbeat parents (yes, it’s almost always the dads) should be jailed for not contributing towards their children’s upbringing. And I think the CSA/CMS or whatever initials are currently being used should be taken over by HMRC.

I’m absolutely shocked by how many women have been ‘shafted’ by the men they had kids with. My kids Dad was very fair with maintenance so I didn’t have to do it via cms, he is self employed so we came to an agreement because he wanted to ensure kids were cared for properly financially not by a computer calculation. We agreed 50/50 residency (we live close by) as it was in their best interests & it worked for years until they were adults. I’m really sorry for mums that go through BS financially & struggled to get a decent amount to raise their children..eye opener for sure

I can answer the question in your op very easily and simply. Because we live in a sexist country. Women have always been screwed by the males we give life to. We take huge risks for them in birth and then they grow up to arrogantly presume that we will always and should always do so, supported by other males who collectively force their will with muscle power. We need to fight back or let this most disgusting of species die out.

Very well put but as mothers of sons generally do you think that we perpetuate that otherwise how does it exist?

Don't you get to claim all the tax credits for childcare without your dad contributions to the household pot even being taken into account?

I’ve got £7.50 from my ex for two kids. :-D

Yes it’s a joke. My ex, despite picking up a new job six months ago, had not contributed. The CMS told me that their policy was to write off anything owed for more than three months..

meanwhile as single mother, I have to pay all debts and bills..

Can you imagine me asking my credit card company to write off any debts older than three months? They would laugh in my face.

My ex has now made a point of not having any money. The CMS said they doesn’t even earn £7 a week. He told me he isn’t looking for a job or claiming benefits because claiming benefits when you are not looking for a job would be immoral.

so I’m battering myself into the ground trying to balance a full time job and child with complex needs.

I feel there should be compulsory voluntary work for the state for someone in his position.

Good points that this is neglect and financial abuse.

There seem to be an awful lot of shitty dads on benefits. Are they really all unfit for work?

It doesn’t surprise me so many dads don’t pay but I am shocked at the amount of 20-40 year olds claiming benefits and not working as an excuse not to pay.

@pinkginfizz9 seriously?

1. Maintenance payments are / were so poorly kept that the state itself recognised it was unfair to link them to receipt of benefits
2. Many single mothers do actually earn decent money so don't get much if any tax credit or UC. But they cant earn enough due to childcare responsibilities for this not to matter.
3. Even if most of the bill IS covered by UC, the other parent still ought to be responsible for half of the remainder. The childcare is allowing them to work also.

A government that made Boris Johnson their leader is never going to make feckless men pay for their children

I agree. I think men get away with behaving like wild animals these days - plant their seed then saunter off to plant it elsewhere. It repulses me. Men who walk out on young families are the lowest form of pondlife and I think society should put pressure on them and mock them as spineless and pathetic. Just as it is now seen as pathetic to drink and drive, it should be seen as weak to walk out. We need a social shift. Why do people judge single mothers? What about the feckless fathers?

@pinkginfizz9 would you elaborate on your comment?

Is it widely assumed that single mothers claim 'all the tax credits'? I can assure you, I don't claim a penny from the state. Not even child benefit. My ex on the other hand is entitled to more state assistance than me.

I am sick to death of that narrative. That I must be rolling in it because as a single mother I have bundles of state assistance and if I can't meet the cost, the government will.

That is simply not true. I work damn hard to provide for my children and I do a good job of it. I know plenty of other women in my situation also. Most of the single mothers I know, did not choose this situation. They found themselves here. For one reason or another, their partners decided family life/responsibility was not for them. They upped and left. Every one of the men I know who left, ended back at their mothers house. That says a lot.

The issue is not single mothers, the issue is it is socially acceptable for men to make a decision to opt out. To simply wipe their hands of their obligations. It is the single mothers who stand, who remain, who do the grudge work, the hard never ending shifts. They don't get to check out and rest and recharge. They go and go and go. Single mothers/fathers should be championed for what they do, supported and as a society we should admire them. We don't, we look down on them, because something should be wrong with them for the man to leave. Their children must be feckless and ill behaved because their isn't a father figure on the scene.

Men, and women for that matter, should be seen as pond life for not having active, physical, emotional and financial roles in their joint children's lives.

So no, the answer to your question is we don't all, get 'all the tax credits' many of us get no state assistance whatsoever, because we work our backsides off.

@cleanbreak2022 wish there was a "love" button on here for posts - exactly what you said.

@cleanbreak2022 wow, this totally. I’m going to be dedicating a lot of time to promoting change. Single motherhood really does expose the sexism in this country, doesn’t it.

@howaboutl I'm happy to help. I became a single parent 18mos ago to a then 15mos old and 7yr old. This has become the most single eye opening experience of my life.

Our children need a voice, and the absent parents need to be held accountable. Not heralded as victims. The warriors are the parents that stay behind and the trophies (for want of a better word) are the children that will become our future. Our future health service, our future educators and our future government.

We need to stop blaming single parents and we need to change our tolerance of absent and bare minimum parenting. That's who should be held accountable. Not the warriors that have the grit for the fight and be assured, single parenting is a fight on every level.