Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

No and if you asked my daughter she thinks I favour my son, but I adore them equally. But men that I know don’t visit their parents as frequently. For example I see my mum and Nana 3-4 times a week so obviously they have a good bond with the grandkids. But my dh barely visits his family as he works away a lot and so they don’t really have a bond with the kids. So my logic is more that my daughter will probably stay close to me when she’s 20/30 etc

Also just to add aside from the Facebook comment which I openly admit was wrong on my part I have never been rude to MIL. Can we not be open and honest about our feelings about something without being rude? I was hurt and explained the reasons for this nothing more than that.
The eldest daughter is 43 and lives at home with mum. All 3 children have different dads and my husbands dad was an alcoholic which I think in turn made husband in to the black sheep. There's more to this story than my MIL being the perfect grandma and me being the devil in disguise. I encouraged a relationship between in laws and oldest son as I wanted him to be surrounded by as much love as possible and yes I am now hurt this is seemingly being taken away from him but il lower my expectations from now on as others have suggested too

Obviously favouritism is wrong. But my mother told me that she was shocked at the atavistic bond she felt for my dd. She adored all her grandchildren-but she felt something extra for her daughter's daughter.

I am an only child, as were both of my parents. So I have time to be studying other peoples family dynamics! My conclusion has long been that nearly all family fall outs come down to some sort of favouritism being dished out.

My MIL was fairly disinterested in our kids which was a shame as they have no other family apart from DH’s. They’re teenagers now, and doubt she could pick them out in a crowd! Her loss though!

This is one reason (of many) why I don't use Facebook. All that childish drama!

Sorry Op, but your MIL is close to her daughters. That's completely normal. And it's her choice who she devotes her time to. Not great for you or your children perhaps, but that's her decision and her privilege.

My grandmother was never close to me (from when I was very young) because I didn't dance (maternal family are all dance crazy). I did feel a bit ignored but I had plenty of other wonderful people and things in my life so I never dwelled on it. My mum also just gave up. Every time she'd tell her of some achievement of mine, she'd counter it with a better one from my cousin. That's life.

I don’t agree with the comments that you should just cut off all contact with husbands side of the family out of spite. That is ridiculously petty, you need to put your big girl pants on and suck it up. I don’t see it as “protecting” your children by keeping them away from loving grandparents who in your own words “helped you massively” and doted on your son for 5 years.

Yes your MIL might not prioritise your children over her other grandchildren. She has 3 grandchildren now, and can prioritise them as she sees fit.

Maybe try rebuilding your relationship with your MIL, invite her over for afternoon tea with the kids, offer to help her out, get your DC to make her a special picture you could take over with some flowers.

I think backing off and letting your husband manage interactions with his family is best, as I think you’re struggling with how to interact appropriately.

sorry if I missed it, but what about your own family? Do you not have one, is that why you’re so hyper focused on his?

From now on assume you and your husband are on your own with childcare etc. and don't ask MIL for help. It's better this way instead of fighting on facebook and whatsapp groups, you can't win anyway. Many people have no outside help and they manage, you have to do it too.

So if you are suggesting she's got questionable moral behaviour, why are you so insistent on her being close to your children?

Honestly, just move on. Make peace and find other things to worry yourself over. You cannot change other people.

I am one of five children, four of us our girls. We have noticed traits in my mum's help - she prefers looking after babies and she also prefers helping when the mum is more laid back so she is not on edge.
I am sorry but you sound high maintenance so I am guessing your m'n'law has pulled back from helping you - easier to spend time / work with her daughter.
I am sorry you are feeling hurt but your m'n'law does not owe you anything just because she birthed your son.

birthed your hubby I mean!

I wanted him to be surrounded by as much love as possible and yes I am now hurt this is seemingly being taken away from him

As the saying goes, love is not pie. Your MIL's love is expandable to fit all her grandchildren. My DD was the first grandchild. The more followed. DD didn't have to give up some of the love she basked in. And I suspect your son wouldn't either, once the excitement about the DIL's baby died down a bit.

At the moment she's excited about her daughter's pregnancy. That's entirely understandable. She'll be over excited about the new baby when it arrives, and she'll be excited about yours too. It just takes a while for everything to shake down and the attention be evened out again.

Though I should change that now to 'she would have been excited about yours too'. Because with your absolutely stupid and thoughtless post, you've disadvantaged your own children. Because you've wrecked the relationship.
Saying ' but it came from a place of love' is no excuse. If you love your kids, the last thing you do is very publicly their throw a bomb into their relationship with half of their relatives.

Favouritism is often much in the eye of the beholder.

My sister: Mum doesn't spend enough time with my kids.
My mum: Cannot be shut up for five seconds altogether about my nephews so that I can tell her that I am pregnant with my first.

Can we not be open and honest about our feelings about something without being rude? I was hurt and explained the reasons for this nothing more than that.

Well all families are different but for me, this doesn't fit into a PIL/DIL model. I don't really talk to my PIL about serious stuff, I just make friendly conversation and my DP handles the serious stuff. They're his family, he takes the lead.

I hope the rest of the family haven't heard this, I'd be so hurt !

Where your own dm? You spat your dummy out because she wanted to help her dd with childcare in the same way she did with your first. You were going to be priority when my grandchildren arrived. It would be unfair to expect her to do the same for your 2nd and do school picks and have sils child aswell. You made a choice to have another baby.

I do think that - aside from what others have said about your comments and messages - in the example you give your MIL was in the right. If her daughter’s baby was under the weather and they wanted to visit her and they were both happy with that, it is you who should leave if you’re not happy with that.

@Sugargliderwombat "
I hope the rest of the family haven't heard this, I'd be so hurt !"

She didn't tell me until many years later. I hope my brothers didn't know. But what I'm saying is that there was nothing she could do about the way she felt-only how she expressed it. And I have heard other women say something similar.

But it’s her sons child, so it’s ok she favouritism’s her daughter against her son?

All children,regardless of sex should be treated fairly, as should grandchildren

Couldn't stop yourself correcting the OP, could you? Pathetic.

That is a truly shitty comment. To both me and to any sons you have.

Is the issue here your DH?

How close is your DH to his mum? Surely, your DH should be the one visiting his mum and arranging the childcare. It doesn't sound like your DH has a close relationship with his mum. I would also query how close your DH's relationship is with his child as you seem refer to your DS as 'my child'.

It sounds like your MIL has a much closer relationship with her daughter. If so, it is then not that surprising that she will have a closer relationship with her DD's daughter.

I think this is a very realistic scenario, OP. I think an apology - as PP suggested - that you said things in the heat of the moment, would go some way to fix things with the relationships all round. Don't let it fester.

people are focusing on the “free childcare” for the first child, but a huge part of this seems to me that OPs younger child is pretty much ignored by the rest of the family and her son has gone from having a close relationship with the MIL to a barely existent one
That’s hurtful even if childcare was never a part of it

@saraclara the babies have already been born ….

“baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.”