To not want to care for my mum every morning?

[Partiallyclosed]

First of all I need to say that the title makes me sound an awful dd but hear me out, so sorry it’s long winded.

I am 50, married with a 17 year old ds and 15 year old dd.

My parents are in their early 80’s. Dad is in good health but sadly my lovely mum is not well. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker/heart disease and has had Alzheimer’s since 2017. As with this awful disease, she is getting worse as time goes on.
If you met my mum you probably wouldn’t think there is too much wrong with her (other than her physical issues as she is bent over with the osteoporosis and looks so old) but we see such a huge difference in her and her capabilities. Mentally she can be very much like a small child now.

Over the last few years my dsis and I (dsis also lives very nearby with her partner) have started to help mum and dad quite a bit. My sister works full time running her own cleaning business and will pop in a couple of times a week and also cleans once a week for them.
I go round at least 5 times a week to help them. I was washing mums hair but insisted they get a hairdresser in once a week as I’m not the best at blow drying! I change and wash their bedsheets once a week, I order all of mums medications and collect them from the pharmacy, I cut mums nails for her, organise her wardrobe and clothes (she has a tendency to mess thing up and put stuff away in the weirdest of places), I organise and keep all of her hospital and medical appointments, do all their life admin, take mum to her day centre once a week etc.
On a Tuesday and Thursday I wouldn’t pop in as I was working but sadly was made redundant a fortnight ago so have been popping in every day since.

The problem is that my dad is becoming overwhelmed with being mums carer, it doesn’t come naturally to him and he gets angry that his life is over too and will often say it’s all a burden to him. I feel so sorry for him but truly believe that if I said I’d would give up my life and care for mum full time then he would happily take a back seat with it all (this does annoy me as I wouldn’t and won’t dream of asking my dc to care for me at any time but dad is old school and believes daughters should help out).
For a long time he refused any outside help, he said carers were a waste of money (he is very tight with his money) and mum wouldn’t like people in her house caring for her (this is true she will make a fuss but most dementia sufferers would be the same as they just don’t acknowledge they are unwell).
Money is far from an issue here for they have hundreds of thousands in the bank.
A year ago, I did eventually insist they got a career in as the stress was making me very unwell (I was close to a breakdown) and I was doing everything like their washing etc which I’ve now made dad do as he is more than capable of doing washing and hanging it out. I have these daily anxiety and gut issues which have been very bad over recent years probably exacerbated by worrying about my parents all the time and just couldn’t do everything.
Anyhow, I arranged for a lovely lady carer to come in, initially once a week for companionship and to give dad a break and then we were to up the care as time went on. However, this never happened, dad insisted all was ok (but would moan to me all the time that it wasn’t), and eventually let the carer go.
So, currently, apart from the once a week at the day centre where mum goes for the afternoon, my dad has no other help apart from me going in every day and my sister a few times a week.

The issue now is that my dad moans every day that he is struggling with mum every morning and that she is getting worse. She often refuses to get in the shower, doesn’t wash herself properly and is now not dressing properly. Yesterday I went round to find her in the trousers she had been in all week (with stains down them) and wearing a winter cardigan buttoned up with nothing on underneath. I helped her get into different clothes but it was hard for she kept saying she didn’t want to wear anything else and that she does not care what she looks like. This is heartbreaking as my mum loved clothes and always used to dress so lovely. She also tells me every day she wants to die which crushes me.
I would love to be the person to go in every morning and help but the truth is that I feel so poorly every morning, I am riddled with anxiety, have had such an exacerbation of my IBS/gut issues recently that I need to be by a toilet every morning and just don’t have it in me to care for my mum every morning whilst feeling this way as it’s such an overwhelming emotional thing to care for a parent, a professional carer obviously doesn’t have this emotional attachment. Watching your lovely mum’s brain waste away is such a sad thing to witness. I also have my dd to get ready in the morning as she has inattentive adhd and if I did not shimmy her along she would be in bed still at midday. My dog also needs walking in the morning (he’s a rescue and has anxiety issues), I can’t just give up on them to go care for my mum.

I have told dad all of this and he accepts it but looks very disappointed and upset. When I first told him I’d been made redundant his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he said it was for the best as I could now take the ‘burden’ off him and become mum’s carer! It makes me feel such a bad daughter to say no but surely I need to put my mental and physical health first? I also need to find another job but can’t do this if I am crumbling away physically and mentally.
So today, I have contacted a care company to ask if they can come in and help every morning.

I feel like a failure but the cold hard truth is I don’t want to be my mum’s main carer and that makes me feel like shit.
AIBU?

This is something I was also going to come on and say - I'm so glad you are getting HRT now.

Regrettably your poor mum is suffering from osteoporosis, heart disease AND dementia- all of which should be preventable by taking HRT.

We’re in the same situation with our Mum, 90 years old, she lives alone and needs help every day. We do everything for her but we did arrange a care package, which she cancelled herself after a couple of weeks.
I fully understand the position that you’re in and how it’s having a negative effect on you. You must arrange carers for your Mum’s sake, don’t feel guilty about it. You have your own life and must live it, you definitely need some respite and more than likely your Dad does too.

You are not a carer you are a daughter. tell him that and either he pays for carers or you and your sister will use power of attorney to pay.get a job you enjoy as well

I've not had time to read all the posts but came on to suggest:

Contact your local Older Persons Mental Health Team who can, in turn, put you in touch with other local services.

Look at local care homes.

We seriously considered having my DM live with us. Thankfully saw sense in time - it wouldn't have worked due to our family set-up. She was "coping" at home until she started to have falls. The professionals said this would happen and the decline would speed up. She's now been in a care home for 7 months. When I dead the daily care notes, any guilt I have evaporates as I know I could not provide the care she needs. Do not feel guilty! You need to look after yourself and your family first. It doesn't mean you don't love your parents.

I feel like a failure but the cold hard truth is I don’t want to be my mum’s main carer and that makes me feel like shit

It sounds like it's not you "don't want" to, it's more like you "can't". You can't do this OP. It is far too much for you. Your Dad shouldn't be expecting you to do this either. You need to get a job and go back to work. You've also got your own children and there's your own physical and mental health to consider.
You can't care for your mother like this and risk having a breakdown which could have long term consequences, long after your mother has passed away.

Your Mum needs carers coming in in the morning to get her ready for the day and probably in the evening too. That's the minimum.

You need to keep telling your Dad no, you can't do it.
And also, please do not listen to any friends or random posters on MN saying "I'd do it". "I'm doing it for my Mum and it's fine". "Why wouldn't you help your Mum?"
Everyone's circumstances are different. If a friend can manage, good for her, maybe her Mum's needs aren't as great as yours, maybe her home life is easier than yours, maybe she doesn't need to work full time etcetc. Also, it's easy for keyboard warriors who aren't faced with the actual situation to say that they'd do it. I think the majority of people would want to be able to care for their parents without carers or having to resort to residential care, but once faced with the actual situation it's a different story and not everyone can do it.

They should both go into a home together and enjoy what time they have left. Orhe stops being so tight and pays for a carer. I don't understand why he assumed you'd be the carer, as you'd only get paid £66 per week. Carers allowance is crap. Find another job, quickly!

I've encountered some amazingly loving and caring elderly men who have thrown themselves into looking after ailing elderly wives, but your father is sadly more typical — he presumably regards housework and caring work as women's work. It's

Use your powers as attorneys to set up a care package for your mum's sake, so that she gets professional care for herself. Buy several more sets of bedding and then have all the sheets and duvet covers etc laundered by a laundry company once a month.

The last five or six years will have been pretty grim for your dad. He's right about his life having been brought to a halt by her decline and giving him the opportunity to enjoy himself may make it easier for him to step up and help a bit more. Can he go off on a Saga holiday or a cruise or coach tour or something, so he is getting something positive and can't argue that all the money is being spent on your mum? Could he go and stay with relatives for a week?

While he's away your mum could go for respite into a nice care home, where she 'd have company and some activity. You and your sister could visit every day or two. Or there are live-in carers who'll spend a fortnight living-in with and looking after your mother. This is a guide to how to choose an agency.

https://ukcareguide.co.uk/live-in-care-agencies/

I've known a couple of really great older women who've worked as live-in carers — women I'd have been happy to have looking after my mum. It's not about you wimping out of your duties, it's about designing a support system for your mum and dad and you, too.

I sure as hell wouldn't do it for my mum and I don't feel the least bit bad about it if it helps - and neither should you! It doesn't mean I'm a bad person or that I don't love my mum however I wouldn't sacrifice my happiness for her nor would she wish me to. Your dad is being a sexist jerk about the whole thing - don't listen to him, don't feel bad, enjoy your life!

They need to use their hundreds of thousands and pay for her to be in a home. You never should have told them about being made redundant. Tell them you start a new job on July 3rd, whether it’s true or not.

I'm going to make a suggestion - if your DSis has PoA over the bank accounts and everything else as she would ultimately be the person who makes the final decision on things, could you sit down and have a discussion about things like house alterations and making both of their lives better? Get the tradespeople lined up and then present it as a done deal to your father? Getting it done like this would mean that you could say "DSis and I have discussed this and we think doing X or Y will make your life better and make mum's life better too."

Including getting the walk in shower installed by tradesmen and any other adjustments that might need to be made around the house? About getting a carer and getting them to live on site?

He may feel that he is under pressure to have to make these decisions and is as a result making the wrong ones (who rips out a bathroom without having the replacement bells and whistles already there to install). Do your parents have a functioning bathroom at the moment?

My lovely, widowed father was very ill this time last year and in and out of hospital for 2 months. I have Long Covid and it was particularly bad at that time. As my brothers live abroad, the daily visiting was all down to me, and it nearly killed me. It wasn't what any of us wanted, but when dad was released from hospital, he had to go into a nursing home as he kept collapsing without warning and couldn't be left. It broke my heart - but you know what? He loves it. Complete security. Completely safe. New friends. I visit every other day and now the collapses aren't happening so often or so catastrophically, I often take him out. The RELIEF for me (and for him) that there are carers and nurses on hand is immeasurable. The staff are wonderful - he has keep fit and activities and trips out and wine with his lunch. I'm thinking of putting my name down on the waiting list!

When my FiL was caring for my MiL he outsourced what he could. He had someone to do the laundry, the garden and a carer twice a week for her personal hygiene.

Alzheimer's always gets worse and she'd be better off in a home at some point. If your Dad wants her to stay in the house then he'll need to look at live in carers.

I cared for my MiL almost full time despite her having 2 carers (experienced and qualified family).

Don't let this eat away at your mental and physical health. Once she's settled in a home she'll be fine.

Hope you’ve found some further care advice on here or in the Cockroach Cafe. Social care arrange my ma’s care package even though she has over the limit - she pays of course. It is their responsibility to assess anyone vulnerable or at risk, however much they try to pretend otherwise or avoid it.
My dad was very reluctant but caved in the end (would not have help off me either though much) but since then he’s passed away and the package is more comprehensive.
I had to be very firm with social care that I wasn’t doing it, and the amount that is needed - and actually private may even be cheaper in my area - but the bonus of the local authority organising it all is that you don’t have to worry about employer stuff, back up, failure of carers etc. Tell them she needs a care assessment and pay for what is put in (this varies by council so I can’t give you any estimates)
your dad may well then try to cancel it, but I’d then leave him to it until social care have to step in on grounds of safety for your mum - let them know this up front and probably let them see your parents after you’ve had a few days away from visiting for their assessment. This sounds very harsh but honestly you can’t do the level of care required, and it will only ever increase and the care you are providing will break down doing no one any good. You will find even with a care package you still have stuff to do so it’s not abdicating responsibility and it’s definitely not awful. Though again pay on top for anything supportive such as cleaners or additional private care.
Hope you’re ok, it is very tough, but your wellbeing comes first and your immediate family.

This is true, but years ago you got old, then ill, then you died. Now modern medicine keeps us going well beyond what nature intended.

Don’t dismiss a care home out of hand. My elderly relative was always very against the idea but absolutely thrived in hers. She lived there a further 7 years. If there was something fun going on, and there often was, she would dismiss visitors who were surplus to requirements!

First of all, well done for everything you are doing - you are clearly a devoted daughter. Carer burnout is a real thing, and it's really important to put your own wellbeing first.

I care for an older family member living a long way away who is also the kind of man who very very easily battens on the support of women because that's what he's been used to his whole life. On the basis of my experience I wouldn't focus on how many visits per week you can or can't do. Instead I'd make a list of all of the tasks, big and small, that you do for your mother and your father, and only keep doing the ones that only you can do.

So everything to do with personal care, shopping, cleaning, errands etc. will need to be done by somebody else. My dad has a one-day-a-week cleaner and garden weeder; and I organised someone who comes and does administrative support once a week; they are a sort of concierge service and they'll do everything from finding tradesmen to cancelling his deliveries when he goes away to taking stuff to the post office to printing out documents to helping get parking permits, etc. They are great. It's just stressful that he needs more support than he is willing to have at the moment, and yet he complains to me a lot that he's got too much to do and that he doesn't get out enough to exercise and that he's lonely - all of which would be helped by getting more support in place. But heigh-ho.

It will involve a difficult discussion with your father, but I urge you to hold firm that your health is deteriorating and you need to massively cut down on activities to help manage your own health. You cannot continue to support him in the longer term without massively changing the way things are done now.

This may feel selfish and heartless to say, but it is so important. Some carers die before the people they are caring for, because the burden of caring is so great.

I wonder if you could get your own carer's assessment, even though your father is your mother's primary carer? (It might be worth changing this thread to the Elderly Parents thread, which has many very very experienced posters).

Sorry if I've gone on a bit here - but I wanted to express solidarity with you at this really hard time. I hope you manage to outsource lots of what you are currently doing.

We had similar. I'm afraid you need boundaries with your dad. He doesn't want to care for her, but doesn't want to pay for her to get the care she needs. You can't provide the care she needs. He has 2 options, carer or care home. If he complains about x, y, z you tell him he wouldn't be doing it if he accepted the carers so it's his own fault. I'm sorry if it seems harsh but its cruel to be kind.

Honestly though, care home is a better option. She will not want to go there. She will probably cry and tantrum. But once again it's kinder. As you said, she's back to toddler. The kind mum you've known would understand she can't cope at home, that she needs 24/7 care that can't really be provided at home. The mum thats back to toddler doesn't want to go so has a toddler tantrum, the same as toddlers tantrum when you tell them they can't go round in the washing machine with the clothes.

In some ways keeping them at home until they really need to go into a care home is worse for them. If they go in while they still have some faculties it's easier for them to adjust and settle in.

I think you have a carer in now and you need to tell your dad and sister you can’t visit for a week, you need to get on with finding work. And do not visit.
check in with the carer after their first week and ask them what level of care they think is needed? Then go from there. But don’t hesitate to use your mums money to make her comfortable.

Carers or a home. That way she's mot a burden to your dad and you know she's safe and being well cared for.

Not not mot

OP,

I mean it very kindly but you have to take responsibility for allowing your father bully you again today.

Your husband doesn't understand?

More likely that he does understand.

He sees you for years being bullied by your father.

It is not easy being married to someone who is being used and bullied by family and won't stand up for themselves, but constantly coming home in bits, distressed, and it going on for years.

I would find this very frustrating and intrusive.

It sounds awful for your family.

You family will not thank you and I suggest will be something they will resent you for in the future.

If your father can't, and you don't want to do your mother's care, it is absolutely the right thing to get assistance, especially if they are self funding. As you have PoA (assuming Health & Welfare as well as financial), make it clear they answer to you if your mother no longer has capacity. Is she receiving Attendance Allowance? If not, put in a claim ASAP. Whilst you are not working, you can claim Carer's Allowance once the AA comes through as it sounds like to are doing enough to qualify. Join the Mobilise fb group for unpaid carers, it is a good source of support and advise.

PM me re experience of care homes not me but my best friend.

Her DM has health issues and dementia and was cared for by private carers and her family before she went to live in a lovely care home. This place is amazing it’s almost like they have their own flat-lets and a separate balcony each, lots of activities and her DM living there is so happy now because she’s not dealing with carers some of whom were ok some not, her family isn’t stressed and they see her regularly and her health conditions have got much better as she’s happier, it’s not cheap mind you (LS pays something towards it family funds rest) but the family agree it’s the best thing they’ve done for her. They had to research and trial a lot of holes and dhd was in a not brilliant home over lockdown.

A final cautionary tale, one of DM’s best friends had a brother who cares for his DW with the help of private carers with worsening dementia including violence towards him. He’s now in hospital after a severe fall and his DC are looking at other options as it’s simply getting too much for him. Other DC are sons but can only do so much. The pressure on a spouse to deal with dementia can be immense and at the cost of their own health.

If they have the funds and your DM's health and dementia are deteriorating further it would probably make more sense for DM to be in a local care home. You can all visit regularly and take DM out whenever you/she wants to, but the personal care needs will all be met.
I can only imagine her needs will increase.
You may need to say to your DF you will have a new job soon and either he gets a home carer in or he will be doing mornings or they explore domiciliary care.
If you were unwell for example what would happen.
Could you and your dsis have a sit down chat with DF about future options and just be blunt.

Sorry I see you are worried about the visiting burden but honestly I work in care homes and as long as it is a decent one you don't have to go every day. Most family would visit a few times a week, there are things going on for the residents to get involved in most mornings and afternoons.
The difference is you would be popping to visit but without the burden of washing or changing DM or your DF getting stressed or asking you to do other jobs. You can sit and chat to DM and then go.
They would handle all the medication etc.
We had a gentleman just this week who wasn't keen on coming in and his wife was in bits and a few days on he's happy as Larry and family pop in when they can.
I'm afraid even with 2 carers going in the situation can get too much for the other party so your DF if DM starts night wandering or other issues.