To not want to care for my mum every morning?

[Partiallyclosed]

First of all I need to say that the title makes me sound an awful dd but hear me out, so sorry it’s long winded.

I am 50, married with a 17 year old ds and 15 year old dd.

My parents are in their early 80’s. Dad is in good health but sadly my lovely mum is not well. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker/heart disease and has had Alzheimer’s since 2017. As with this awful disease, she is getting worse as time goes on.
If you met my mum you probably wouldn’t think there is too much wrong with her (other than her physical issues as she is bent over with the osteoporosis and looks so old) but we see such a huge difference in her and her capabilities. Mentally she can be very much like a small child now.

Over the last few years my dsis and I (dsis also lives very nearby with her partner) have started to help mum and dad quite a bit. My sister works full time running her own cleaning business and will pop in a couple of times a week and also cleans once a week for them.
I go round at least 5 times a week to help them. I was washing mums hair but insisted they get a hairdresser in once a week as I’m not the best at blow drying! I change and wash their bedsheets once a week, I order all of mums medications and collect them from the pharmacy, I cut mums nails for her, organise her wardrobe and clothes (she has a tendency to mess thing up and put stuff away in the weirdest of places), I organise and keep all of her hospital and medical appointments, do all their life admin, take mum to her day centre once a week etc.
On a Tuesday and Thursday I wouldn’t pop in as I was working but sadly was made redundant a fortnight ago so have been popping in every day since.

The problem is that my dad is becoming overwhelmed with being mums carer, it doesn’t come naturally to him and he gets angry that his life is over too and will often say it’s all a burden to him. I feel so sorry for him but truly believe that if I said I’d would give up my life and care for mum full time then he would happily take a back seat with it all (this does annoy me as I wouldn’t and won’t dream of asking my dc to care for me at any time but dad is old school and believes daughters should help out).
For a long time he refused any outside help, he said carers were a waste of money (he is very tight with his money) and mum wouldn’t like people in her house caring for her (this is true she will make a fuss but most dementia sufferers would be the same as they just don’t acknowledge they are unwell).
Money is far from an issue here for they have hundreds of thousands in the bank.
A year ago, I did eventually insist they got a career in as the stress was making me very unwell (I was close to a breakdown) and I was doing everything like their washing etc which I’ve now made dad do as he is more than capable of doing washing and hanging it out. I have these daily anxiety and gut issues which have been very bad over recent years probably exacerbated by worrying about my parents all the time and just couldn’t do everything.
Anyhow, I arranged for a lovely lady carer to come in, initially once a week for companionship and to give dad a break and then we were to up the care as time went on. However, this never happened, dad insisted all was ok (but would moan to me all the time that it wasn’t), and eventually let the carer go.
So, currently, apart from the once a week at the day centre where mum goes for the afternoon, my dad has no other help apart from me going in every day and my sister a few times a week.

The issue now is that my dad moans every day that he is struggling with mum every morning and that she is getting worse. She often refuses to get in the shower, doesn’t wash herself properly and is now not dressing properly. Yesterday I went round to find her in the trousers she had been in all week (with stains down them) and wearing a winter cardigan buttoned up with nothing on underneath. I helped her get into different clothes but it was hard for she kept saying she didn’t want to wear anything else and that she does not care what she looks like. This is heartbreaking as my mum loved clothes and always used to dress so lovely. She also tells me every day she wants to die which crushes me.
I would love to be the person to go in every morning and help but the truth is that I feel so poorly every morning, I am riddled with anxiety, have had such an exacerbation of my IBS/gut issues recently that I need to be by a toilet every morning and just don’t have it in me to care for my mum every morning whilst feeling this way as it’s such an overwhelming emotional thing to care for a parent, a professional carer obviously doesn’t have this emotional attachment. Watching your lovely mum’s brain waste away is such a sad thing to witness. I also have my dd to get ready in the morning as she has inattentive adhd and if I did not shimmy her along she would be in bed still at midday. My dog also needs walking in the morning (he’s a rescue and has anxiety issues), I can’t just give up on them to go care for my mum.

I have told dad all of this and he accepts it but looks very disappointed and upset. When I first told him I’d been made redundant his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he said it was for the best as I could now take the ‘burden’ off him and become mum’s carer! It makes me feel such a bad daughter to say no but surely I need to put my mental and physical health first? I also need to find another job but can’t do this if I am crumbling away physically and mentally.
So today, I have contacted a care company to ask if they can come in and help every morning.

I feel like a failure but the cold hard truth is I don’t want to be my mum’s main carer and that makes me feel like shit.
AIBU?

OP, you and your sister need to stop all care for your mother, and arrange for proper professional carers. Not only will this be better for all concerned, it will be a helpful stepping stone to the next phase, as it's likely that she will need full-time residential care.
It is NOT your job to look after your parents.

Yanbu. If they can easily afford carers then that's what they have to do. I find this maddening and have known many elderly people like this. Plenty of money and savings but refuse to pay for outside help and would rather put upon their families or struggle along themselves. You need to be firm.

You poor woman.

Your father is abusing your mother and you by extension.

This is her end of life period and half their money is hers.

She has every right to care that they can afford to pay for.

Your father is mean and that goes to the core of someone.

You sound bullied by him.

But you are making very poor choices here.

Apologies for being harsh but you need to wake up to your responsibilities.

You have two children that love and need their mum.

THEY are your first responsibility.

They need you well.

Your father like all selfish mean men, couldn't care less if you run yourself into the ground, as long as he is not inconvenienced.

I know the type.

Stop engaging with him.

Decide what is best, I think a nursing home where she is safe from his anger and frustration.

TELL him what is happening and organise it.

Step far away from your father and focus on your health before this stress puts you on a really dangerous path.

You have been experiencing heightened stress levels for too long and in our 50's this can have serious consequences.

Your first responsibility is to be well for your children, EVERYTHING else is secondary.

Selfish people are consistent.

Your father is selfish and mean and that means he will NEVER do the right thing by your mother or you.

Stop engaging with him.
Spend the money and start minding your own health before you become so unwell things will be taken out of your hands.

I'm so sorry things are so hard.

But you need to stand up to your bully father.

We're not all the same

A care home could be a boost to your mum because she’d have 24/7 care and activities. You are doing your best which is really the best. You need to think of your own health though. Think of the oxygen mask scenario on a plane when the person responsible for others has to put it on themselves before those dependent on them. You will be able to visit your mum ever day and enjoy the visits the both of you because you don’t have to do the heavy work of washing/bathing/dressing. Visit some care homes and you take the decision not your dad. He can’t look after her and this is a difficult fact to admit to. Just say to your dad that the care home is for the best and that you and he are doing your best.

I hope you can try again with helpers; we persuaded my uncle to let someone come in to help care for my lovely auntie in the later stages of Parkinson's, and although he was reluctant at first, luck was on our side. The carer who came in was an absolute star, and he was a better companion for her as the strain of physical caring lifted.

@billy1966 is right your dad is tight, mean and doesn't want inconvenienced

My stepdad is the same but he was the ill one gladly have his family of women run About after him than help himself and organise care that he needed it's so frustrating.

Sorry allow care to be organised.

OP yanbu. Your dad really needs to face the fact that he needs to either get professional carers in or think about residential care. It is difficult to come to terms with having carers in your home, but he should not expect you to puck up the burden, especially when they have plenty of money to pay for help.

Some people can deal with caring for their loved ones, others can't. It is a very personal decision.

No, of course you're not being unreasonable. You need to put your efforts into finding a care home for your my, as she needs someone on hand for her daily care now, and that can't be all down to you or your dad.
This should easily be a possibility as you said money isn't an issue.

Your mum needs proper care for her own dignity and safety. My mum and I did our very best for my gran until the last 6 months of her life (no Alzheimer's but she has a heart problem), and we had carers initially just mornings, and then twice daily (when she died up to 4 times). Even then, the burden on us was huge. Your dad needs to accept this.

Dad cares or pays for carers. Those are the options. It’s not your job nor responsibility. He doesn’t get to guilt you in to it

I remember saying to my sister in law one day (Whilst caring for my dying mother in law) - There's a reason I work in an office & not as a professional carer.

If your dad brings this up again - say that to him.

This is awful but I hated caring for my mother in law. Hated every minute of it & how we couldn't do anything and were trapped by it, but I did it, because no-one else in the family would & when she eventually agreed to carer's I was overjoyed. It makes such a difference.

100% professional care is needed.
My mum had parkinsons and dementia and my 80 year old father was her carer for 5 years as well as my brother and I. In the last few years my father became incredibly resentful and it was awful.. the strain became too much and eventually mum went into hospice care.
Your mum either needs to have carers in 2 or 3 times a day or if she progressively gets worse she will need a care home facility.
I hate to say this as I've been there but in hindsight I realise we as a family should've made decisions without the guilt and emotions. Mum received proper care at the hospice she eventually went in and it afforded us better quality time with her in the lead up to the end.
You can't have this guilt and burden placed on you x

It is difficult to get older people to accept help but you should not be worn to a frazzle by these caring obligations. I would go say twice a week. And tell him if he needs extra help then he needs to pay carers. You absolutrely should not give up your life to being your mum's carer.

Being a carer for a loved family member can be utterly draining and is a completely different experience to being a paid carer. You never get a break from it, the mental and emotional toll is often enormous. Only you fully understand how this is effecting you and you D dad won’t want to see this.
Paid carers are definitely the right thing

You and your sister need to present a united front to your dad. He is being extremely unfair to all of you, your mum because she isn't getting appropriate care and you both because you have all the stress of knowing that and running yourself into the ground. You need to tell him that he either accepts a proper care package for your mum or she goes into residential care. You cannot become ill yourself by trying to deal with your mums needs. Your dad reminds me of my FIL, money in the bank but won't pay a penny to improve the quality of his life. What the hell is the money for if not that?
Please don't give in to emotional blackmail, because that's what his comments are.

START THE HRT.

I was in a similar position last year with my parents and being peri-menopausal too almost finished me off.

There is a difference between helping out, and caring. Most of us would be happy to do the odd chore like picking up prescriptions, taking to a GP appointment, dropping off a meal. But the hard CARING of personal care, showering, dressing is a whole other ball game.

You are NOT being selfish to say you cannot do this. Your dad is understandably frightened about what the future might hold for him and your mum but your husband and kids need you too!! My dad had Alzheimer's too and you're right, it's only going one way. I would advise getting in touch with social services and asking for an assessment about what could be provided. It sounds like you might be on their radar already if she's attending a day centre. It could be they might be able to offer more day centre sessions, or someone coming in every morning, or whatever else. No obligation to take what is offered - present it to your Dad as "just seeing what's available, getting prepared for the future".

Also I would advise applying for a Blue Badge for your mother, and also applying for Attendance Allowance. It's not much - lower rate is £68 a week - but might be enough to persuade your dad. This is money which has to be spend on care and adjustments for your mother.

Also would advise you join the "cockroach cafe" thread on the Elderly Parents board, everyone on there is going through the same things and their support and knowledge are immense.

To add - Attendance Allowance is not means tested. My parents were just the same, cash coming out their ears but very reluctant to spend any of it. As the Attendance Allowance is paid for the disabled person to make their life easier, we took the line with mum of "look, the government are giving you this money in recognition that Dad needs help, it is your duty and obligation to spend it on X, Y and Z".

Thank you everyone for the advise.
Twinsmummy1812 this is what hurts the most I suppose. My mum was a lovely mum and I realise now just how much she did for us all, yes dad worked full time and provided us with a lovely life but mum did all the caring, housework, cooking etc and now dad is totally prepared for all of this but I wish he wasn’t so annoyingly cantankerous about everything. If it had been the other way round mum would have accepted and agreed to everything we suggested regardless of the cost.
KR2023 I am sorry you are going through similar. People do not realise just how hard caring for a lo with dementia actually is. My friend helps her 84 year old mum wish etc and said she do it if it were me but her mum is completely sound of mind and agrees to everything that needs to be doing. My mum on the other hand can be like a petulant 2 year old, it’s very difficult as she believes in her head that she is capable of doing everything herself.
xogossipgirlxo dad knows how poorly I am feeling atm but truly believes that my dc cause all of my stress, it doesn’t seem to enter his head that it’s his situation which is affecting me so much. That’s either deep denial (he is good at that) or that he has become so overwhelmed that he can not see anybody else’s perspective?
billy1966 this has made me cry tbh because I take onboard and agree with everything you say. He is very selfish and it is making me feel so very u well and I worry that I will destroy my own life and end it earlier than should be because my parents are at the end of theirs but it’s so hard because I am doing this for my mum, she was the best mother anyone could had, my best friend, my confidant and had my back my whole life, she u def stood me because we are so similar. And what upsets me the most is that 80% of the thousands in the bank is actually mums money, from the sale of my grandparents house which was willed to her and her only.
ButterCrackers you are probably right but as I mentioned earlier, the burden to visit would be done to me again, for I am certain my dad would visit infrequently, he doesn’t even like picking mum up from the day centre because he hates seeing other dementia sufferers who are further down the line with the progression of the disease.

If you really can't face tackling your Dad head on about this (which I totally understand as you must feel so drained) why not tell him you have another job now, and simply can't be available to visit every day. Intact, you can only visit twice a week at most. Tell him that you providing regular care isn't even an option anymore, and so you will arrange carers for your Mum. By getting your Mum the professional care she needs you are actually being a very good and loving daughter.

You are spot on @Partiallyclosed that dealing with someone with dementia is like having a petulant toddler. But toddlers having a tantrum and refusing to do something can be forced into clothing or put into a cot until they calm down and comply. My dad was SO strong, so physically fit. If he was refusing to get out of bed, even mum and I together couldn't make him.

Regular carers coming in every morning for an hour or 2 that your parents could get to know would make things so much easier.
They would help mum get up, washed/showered and dressed, do laundry, change bed, breakfast, meds etc, they will also manage appointments
There are still some things you would have to do but the bulk of the pressure is removed meaning you can enjoy time with your parents
Money well spent I think, dad will just have to accept it!

And my final point for now - have to go out - is that you need to work with your sibling on this. United front. Your dad is going to find it harder to argue if both of you are telling him that you believe getting in carers or finding a care home for your mum is the best course of action.

GulesMeansRed I am sorry you are going through the same, it’s utterly draining having to constantly think about my parents wellbeing, having careers in everyday would very much take that weight off. I hope when we get this in place dad will also see just how much of a difference it will make to their lives.
I did have SS come round last year but as my parents have over £24k they say they can not help at all. We do have a blue badge for mum and she gets attendance allowance which goes towards her weekly hair appointment and the day centre too. I will pop over to cockroach cafe, thanks.