To not want to care for my mum every morning?

[Partiallyclosed]

First of all I need to say that the title makes me sound an awful dd but hear me out, so sorry it’s long winded.

I am 50, married with a 17 year old ds and 15 year old dd.

My parents are in their early 80’s. Dad is in good health but sadly my lovely mum is not well. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker/heart disease and has had Alzheimer’s since 2017. As with this awful disease, she is getting worse as time goes on.
If you met my mum you probably wouldn’t think there is too much wrong with her (other than her physical issues as she is bent over with the osteoporosis and looks so old) but we see such a huge difference in her and her capabilities. Mentally she can be very much like a small child now.

Over the last few years my dsis and I (dsis also lives very nearby with her partner) have started to help mum and dad quite a bit. My sister works full time running her own cleaning business and will pop in a couple of times a week and also cleans once a week for them.
I go round at least 5 times a week to help them. I was washing mums hair but insisted they get a hairdresser in once a week as I’m not the best at blow drying! I change and wash their bedsheets once a week, I order all of mums medications and collect them from the pharmacy, I cut mums nails for her, organise her wardrobe and clothes (she has a tendency to mess thing up and put stuff away in the weirdest of places), I organise and keep all of her hospital and medical appointments, do all their life admin, take mum to her day centre once a week etc.
On a Tuesday and Thursday I wouldn’t pop in as I was working but sadly was made redundant a fortnight ago so have been popping in every day since.

The problem is that my dad is becoming overwhelmed with being mums carer, it doesn’t come naturally to him and he gets angry that his life is over too and will often say it’s all a burden to him. I feel so sorry for him but truly believe that if I said I’d would give up my life and care for mum full time then he would happily take a back seat with it all (this does annoy me as I wouldn’t and won’t dream of asking my dc to care for me at any time but dad is old school and believes daughters should help out).
For a long time he refused any outside help, he said carers were a waste of money (he is very tight with his money) and mum wouldn’t like people in her house caring for her (this is true she will make a fuss but most dementia sufferers would be the same as they just don’t acknowledge they are unwell).
Money is far from an issue here for they have hundreds of thousands in the bank.
A year ago, I did eventually insist they got a career in as the stress was making me very unwell (I was close to a breakdown) and I was doing everything like their washing etc which I’ve now made dad do as he is more than capable of doing washing and hanging it out. I have these daily anxiety and gut issues which have been very bad over recent years probably exacerbated by worrying about my parents all the time and just couldn’t do everything.
Anyhow, I arranged for a lovely lady carer to come in, initially once a week for companionship and to give dad a break and then we were to up the care as time went on. However, this never happened, dad insisted all was ok (but would moan to me all the time that it wasn’t), and eventually let the carer go.
So, currently, apart from the once a week at the day centre where mum goes for the afternoon, my dad has no other help apart from me going in every day and my sister a few times a week.

The issue now is that my dad moans every day that he is struggling with mum every morning and that she is getting worse. She often refuses to get in the shower, doesn’t wash herself properly and is now not dressing properly. Yesterday I went round to find her in the trousers she had been in all week (with stains down them) and wearing a winter cardigan buttoned up with nothing on underneath. I helped her get into different clothes but it was hard for she kept saying she didn’t want to wear anything else and that she does not care what she looks like. This is heartbreaking as my mum loved clothes and always used to dress so lovely. She also tells me every day she wants to die which crushes me.
I would love to be the person to go in every morning and help but the truth is that I feel so poorly every morning, I am riddled with anxiety, have had such an exacerbation of my IBS/gut issues recently that I need to be by a toilet every morning and just don’t have it in me to care for my mum every morning whilst feeling this way as it’s such an overwhelming emotional thing to care for a parent, a professional carer obviously doesn’t have this emotional attachment. Watching your lovely mum’s brain waste away is such a sad thing to witness. I also have my dd to get ready in the morning as she has inattentive adhd and if I did not shimmy her along she would be in bed still at midday. My dog also needs walking in the morning (he’s a rescue and has anxiety issues), I can’t just give up on them to go care for my mum.

I have told dad all of this and he accepts it but looks very disappointed and upset. When I first told him I’d been made redundant his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he said it was for the best as I could now take the ‘burden’ off him and become mum’s carer! It makes me feel such a bad daughter to say no but surely I need to put my mental and physical health first? I also need to find another job but can’t do this if I am crumbling away physically and mentally.
So today, I have contacted a care company to ask if they can come in and help every morning.

I feel like a failure but the cold hard truth is I don’t want to be my mum’s main carer and that makes me feel like shit.
AIBU?

What amazes me is that people expect a man who was selfish his whole life, who was catered for by his wife and never lifted a finger in the home, to somehow morph into a selfless man in his dotage?

It doesn't happen.

They have zero interest in the hard work involved in being someone's carer.

Many many is the time I have heard women saying it was better my father went first as he was so dependent on my mum.

My friends mother developed low level dementia at the beginning of Covid and she moved her into her own home.

She wanted to make sure her mother was well looked after.

She told her father to get on with it and figure it out.

He is a lazy selfish man, very much of a generation who expected to be catered for, but physically well, and she had zero intention of being his skivvy in her home.

Her mum is now well settled in a lovely care home.

Her father cooks now and has indeed figured it out, just as she expected him to, when he had no choice.

This is it really. Do it. Sort out paid carers.

More than likely although there is different criterias for NHS social care but homes are not sold to make anybody homeless.

Thanks again everyone, I have read every reply.
3luckystars you are right, of course, I do need to step back, I know deep down this isn’t my sole responsibility.
Ohcomeonffs mum gets attendance allowance, £90 per week.
YouJustDoYou so sorry you had all of that to deal with at such a young age.

I hope to hear back from the carer today. I will talk to dad and insist a carer is the first step and it needs doing asap and he is not to change it or stop the carer coming.

I've had to do this too, it was heartbreaking but the more I did the higher the demands got
It was making me ill

Stay strong and If he doesn't want to be around for the carer he could maybe go to the shopping or even pick up a prescription while they get your mum sorted.

Slightly different as my mother is single but I was expected to be her carer as lived the nearest. I refused and told my siblings it was up to them or to get professional carers in as dm has money. I was just the convenient option with be consideration as to how it would impact my life

op l understand as l am in a similar position...eventually l have had to put my foot down with my father and not worry about upsetting him...yes it is hard and does not come naturally to us!
It took my DD being diagnosed with a lifelong condition for me to realise l couldn't go on as l was and she had to take priority. I also work long hours and have a 15 year old DS.
It is still hard but we now have 40 hours a week carers for my mum, l do all organising, food shopping, prescriptions, financials, etc and it is a lot of hours, but better than before.
Their money will run out but this is the only way and we have a year or two yet....

Get tough with your father, learn to be blunt and direct but calm, try very hard to park the emotion, this helped me through the difficult conversations.
Force using the money for lots of care, get food shopping, cooking and cleaning included and an outing daily for your mum, say 6 plus hours a day.

Remember your lovely mum would have hated you to be struggling like this, she would have wanted her inheritance used to pay for help from what you have said.

OP I see so many parallels between your situation and things I have gone through, and am going through now, with regard to parent care. Will post more when I get a chance, but just to say YANBU in the slightest. This is too much weight that's been placed on your shoulders and I'm glad you're looking at additional care options, a process I am going through atm with my DM. We can't help others if we are running on empty ourselves, and parents shouldn't expect their adult children to martyr themselves to this degree.

OP your father is a selfish entitled bastard who treats you like an appliance who is there for his convenience.
Sadly he has a lot of leverage because he's holding your mother to ransom 😕

If you can find a respected local home you might find she'll be much happier - not left on her own, activities for her - all sorts. I would think your dad just won't want to spend the money.

Try it as a 'holiday' not respite and see how it goes

What I'm going to suggest is based around something you mentioned @Partiallyclosed about how your mum was dressed and how she liked clothes and isn't dressing herself properly. Could you go through her wardrobe of clothes and put together a minimal wardrobe of clothes for her.
Different colour tshirts or blouses to wear and the same colour skirt/trousers/slacks for her to put on?
I know it's such a small thing in the scheme of things but it might be something that could be done quickly and would make things a bit easier? Make it like a uniform for her, but comfortable and easy to swap out bits and pieces.

Might that help at all?

She was very very lucky to get continuing health care I think?
Very rare around here

You sound like a wonderful daughter and your mum is lucky to have you. Dementia is a truly hideous disease and I’m sorry you are going through this.

Maybe try visiting some care homes nearby, some of them are lovely and she might be much happier in a home with more people for company than just your grumpy dad. Then you could go back to being her daughter when you visit, instead of her carer, and you would no longer have the stress of your dad and sister taking advantage of your kind nature and your love for your mum.

MiL developed dementia about 3 years ago, FiL was determined to do all her care; nobody lives close enough to do lots of visiting.
Between siblings we were going every 3 weeks, we noticed her deterioration, he also was not himself, we kept saying we would sort out carers, but he was having none of it. Eventually he agreed to have someone sit with her so he could leave the house.
He was then totally overwhelmed, and agreed to a live in carer, she was a godsend, he then realised that getting help is a good thing.

Eventually MiL had to go into a home, ye was visiting every day for hours, most of the time she had no idea who he was. We have recently told him to only go a couple of times a week for a couple of hours max, as she sleeps most of the time, doesn't know him, and can't have a meaningful conversation.
It was almost like he needed permission to step back.

Oh ffs, please tell me I’m not BU here?
This is a typical scenario for me.
Dad has just called me, he asked me what I’m doing, this always means he wants something. So I say that I’m updating my CV, applying for jobs, doing some housework etc and then getting some lunch. I then get an ‘oh!’ reply, so I ask what does he want/ need?
So he wants to go to the plumber merchants as he has taken out their bath and putting in a walk in shower (At 81 he is insisting on doing the work himself as all the plumbers are ‘rip off merchants apparentl, totally ironic seeing that was his exact profession).
Anyhow he says could I come and sit with mum as he doesn’t want to leave her in the car incase she gets out and wanders off. Fine I say, I can be there at 1.30 but apparently that’s not good enough, he wants to be leaving by 1pm. This sort of thing totally fucks me off because it’s as though he thinks I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs. I have said that I won’t be ready for another hour and he’s had to accept that but it’s still irritates me that he thinks I can do things for him at the drop of a hat. I honestly feel like I’m losing my own sanity at times. AND it makes me feel so guilty, WHY?

But it’s ok for you to be inconvenienced….

You really need to stop pandering to your father and your sister…
Tell your father you are struggling and things need to change. You can no longer pick up prescriptions so they will come on this day or he goes to collect them.

Tell him you have a job and will o ly be able to do xyz

Tell him you are organising carers as he’s not coping and he is not to cancel them as mum needs them.

The day centre may well have someone who does hair and nails… worth asking.

As others have said, you have your family and they are your priority. Your father has the means to pay for carers so don’t feel guilty. But it’s so hard…

Excellent @Partiallyclosed , so glad you have made this step.

Your last sentence is very worrying - just make sure you are there if at all possible for the first 2/3 times the carer is due. Otherwise he may well refuse entry and you are back at the start. Then it all stalls until all hell breaks loose when he can't/wont cope/ one of them has a fall/ he is hospitalised etc etc

All of the reasons you have given are more than enough but even if you didn't have those reasons it is okay to say you won't do it.

Your parents are in the position to pay for carers, so they should. It's better for everyone.

When my lovely mum was dying of cancer she absolutely insisted on going in to a hospice because she didn't want our last memories of her to be the stress of caring for her. Instead we got to sit and spend time with her which was so precious. I know the situation is different but you shouldn't be feeling this stress.

I truly believe that caring for loved ones in the way you describe isn't for everyone. I know I would struggle, for my DH I could do it and my DSIS but anyone else I know I wouldn't want to and would feel resentful. That doesn't make me a bad person I just recognise it's not something I can do.

The subject has come about with my DH about my in-laws and if and when they need caring for. I have stated I will not do it. Happy to clean, cook, do washing/shopping etc but not personal caring.

Imagine what advice you would give your best friend if she were in that situation. Why are you being mean to yourself? What on earth is the value of having money if it’s not used to enhance your life. Pay for the best care you can-and if your dad moans, ask him what he’s saving the money for. Be brisk with him not defensive. Ask him if he wants to see his daughter have a breakdown when the family has the resources to make life easier. And if he sulks-let him. I know this sounds tough-but like with your children, tough love is needed sometimes.

Totally unreasonable behaviour from your father…
He could have used his money to get the work done professionally but he chooses not to. Chooses not to….
But then expects you to drop everything and come running.
I know he’s a different generation but he is being ridiculous.
Don't feel guilty.
Point out that if he hadn’t got rid of the carers they could be sitting with mum at home while he got out….

AND it makes me feel so guilty, WHY?

Because you have been conditioned to feel that way. It takes a long time to get rid of the guilt that is imbued (albeit unwittingly) in our generation of women. We have to be there for our husbands, kids, parents and when we are too busy - "oh.. okay then..." with miserable sucking lemon faces to us.

I have learned to say that I will do something of course - on my own terms. Obvs it it is desperate then everything is dropped and I am there. But it is amazing how people actually CAN WAIT/ or do it their ruddy selves, when I am temporarily unavailable i.e having some space

I really feel for you OP, if it was me, I’d be looking at care homes.
It’s one thing taking on the care of someone who only has a few months, but your mother might well go on for years yet. Don’t underestimate the toll this will be making on your own kids/marriage/mental health.

Lookitsmeagain That’s exactly what dsis and I have done this last month. Mum had so many clothes and was constantly in a mush-mash of colours and patterns, she looked like an explosion in a jumble sale and doesn’t care either but we do and the old mum would have too so we got rid of most of the hug,y patterned stuff and she now has a ‘capsule’ wardrobe of t shirts, trousers and cardigans but somehow STILL manages to come out with bits and bibs she has concealed away somewhere, she is adept at hiding stuff, god only knows where though lol!

Dad has just called me
So stop answering the phone, he won't like it but you'll have to train him, eg only answer the phone after 5 pm
he'll get used to it
He pulls rank on you treating you like a child and it's difficult for you to not respond as the subservient and obedient child he is wanting you to be. But you have to put stop to this, for every inch that you concede he will take a mile, you have to spin it around and take charge.