To not want to care for my mum every morning?

[Partiallyclosed]

First of all I need to say that the title makes me sound an awful dd but hear me out, so sorry it’s long winded.

I am 50, married with a 17 year old ds and 15 year old dd.

My parents are in their early 80’s. Dad is in good health but sadly my lovely mum is not well. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker/heart disease and has had Alzheimer’s since 2017. As with this awful disease, she is getting worse as time goes on.
If you met my mum you probably wouldn’t think there is too much wrong with her (other than her physical issues as she is bent over with the osteoporosis and looks so old) but we see such a huge difference in her and her capabilities. Mentally she can be very much like a small child now.

Over the last few years my dsis and I (dsis also lives very nearby with her partner) have started to help mum and dad quite a bit. My sister works full time running her own cleaning business and will pop in a couple of times a week and also cleans once a week for them.
I go round at least 5 times a week to help them. I was washing mums hair but insisted they get a hairdresser in once a week as I’m not the best at blow drying! I change and wash their bedsheets once a week, I order all of mums medications and collect them from the pharmacy, I cut mums nails for her, organise her wardrobe and clothes (she has a tendency to mess thing up and put stuff away in the weirdest of places), I organise and keep all of her hospital and medical appointments, do all their life admin, take mum to her day centre once a week etc.
On a Tuesday and Thursday I wouldn’t pop in as I was working but sadly was made redundant a fortnight ago so have been popping in every day since.

The problem is that my dad is becoming overwhelmed with being mums carer, it doesn’t come naturally to him and he gets angry that his life is over too and will often say it’s all a burden to him. I feel so sorry for him but truly believe that if I said I’d would give up my life and care for mum full time then he would happily take a back seat with it all (this does annoy me as I wouldn’t and won’t dream of asking my dc to care for me at any time but dad is old school and believes daughters should help out).
For a long time he refused any outside help, he said carers were a waste of money (he is very tight with his money) and mum wouldn’t like people in her house caring for her (this is true she will make a fuss but most dementia sufferers would be the same as they just don’t acknowledge they are unwell).
Money is far from an issue here for they have hundreds of thousands in the bank.
A year ago, I did eventually insist they got a career in as the stress was making me very unwell (I was close to a breakdown) and I was doing everything like their washing etc which I’ve now made dad do as he is more than capable of doing washing and hanging it out. I have these daily anxiety and gut issues which have been very bad over recent years probably exacerbated by worrying about my parents all the time and just couldn’t do everything.
Anyhow, I arranged for a lovely lady carer to come in, initially once a week for companionship and to give dad a break and then we were to up the care as time went on. However, this never happened, dad insisted all was ok (but would moan to me all the time that it wasn’t), and eventually let the carer go.
So, currently, apart from the once a week at the day centre where mum goes for the afternoon, my dad has no other help apart from me going in every day and my sister a few times a week.

The issue now is that my dad moans every day that he is struggling with mum every morning and that she is getting worse. She often refuses to get in the shower, doesn’t wash herself properly and is now not dressing properly. Yesterday I went round to find her in the trousers she had been in all week (with stains down them) and wearing a winter cardigan buttoned up with nothing on underneath. I helped her get into different clothes but it was hard for she kept saying she didn’t want to wear anything else and that she does not care what she looks like. This is heartbreaking as my mum loved clothes and always used to dress so lovely. She also tells me every day she wants to die which crushes me.
I would love to be the person to go in every morning and help but the truth is that I feel so poorly every morning, I am riddled with anxiety, have had such an exacerbation of my IBS/gut issues recently that I need to be by a toilet every morning and just don’t have it in me to care for my mum every morning whilst feeling this way as it’s such an overwhelming emotional thing to care for a parent, a professional carer obviously doesn’t have this emotional attachment. Watching your lovely mum’s brain waste away is such a sad thing to witness. I also have my dd to get ready in the morning as she has inattentive adhd and if I did not shimmy her along she would be in bed still at midday. My dog also needs walking in the morning (he’s a rescue and has anxiety issues), I can’t just give up on them to go care for my mum.

I have told dad all of this and he accepts it but looks very disappointed and upset. When I first told him I’d been made redundant his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he said it was for the best as I could now take the ‘burden’ off him and become mum’s carer! It makes me feel such a bad daughter to say no but surely I need to put my mental and physical health first? I also need to find another job but can’t do this if I am crumbling away physically and mentally.
So today, I have contacted a care company to ask if they can come in and help every morning.

I feel like a failure but the cold hard truth is I don’t want to be my mum’s main carer and that makes me feel like shit.
AIBU?

That poor woman 😢

One thing you can do is organise a chiropodist to come to the house and check your mum's feet and cut her nails. It costs my mum about £30. You can tell a lot about someone's health from their feet, so it's good to have a second opinion.

I couldn't agree more ,
Along with my siblings i have 'bullied' my mother into having a cleaner , we all work hard and have our own commitments.
Her situation is different to your parents ,my mother is elderly but functioning well ,she just lets housework and clutter build up then finds it overwhelming - has done so for years , i / we have had enough of sorting things out during holidays and days off then finding it back to square one within days so now she has no choice.
We have found a lovely cleaner and surprise my mother is enjoying her visits and a home that is becoming a much pleasanter place to live.
My advice is both of you back off a bit ,let your dad see clearly that he can't manage without you and outside help also, he then may become less reluctant and accept he has to pay out for what is needed.
Your situation could go on a long time so you need to set clear boundaries alongside your sister of what help you are prepared to give but neither of you should become drained and worn out over it , it is absolutely unfair you have your own lives and responsibilities, especially as there are so many companies that can help and the fact that you father can afford to employ them.

Your dad is selfish, and to be honest I've seen it so much in older men, they expect the daughters to just take over.

I feel for you op. I was 19 when my dad died young and I was left to manage my nan, who was in her 80s. She developed severe Alzheimers, would wipe faeces everywhere, not eat, not wash, and doing it all myself was so stressful and draining. I was left to do everything - though my mum had been divorced for him, not once did she even offer a lick of help, not one morning, not one car ride, she wouldn't even dare ask me how I was coping as she didn't want to be involved at all.

You dad needs to stop being so selfish and step up, though I understand that he's tired, but I would never, EVER, put that burden on my child and expect them to do it all for me.

What I'm going to say is not to kick you down but to open your eyes a little. Please please either get outside carers to come in or find a home for her. Your father does not sound like the kind of man who will treat her kindly when nobody is watching.

Yes he will struggle physically to get her to wash etc but eventually this is where bruises suddenly appear through anger, frustration and resentment. Prior to rough handling will be the shouting and berating. Your poor mother could be suffering right now locked away from the view of others. Get her protected.

Does your mum have some sort of benefits given she has Alzheimers? Here's a link if not: Disability and mobility benefits for people living with dementia | Alzheimer's Society (alzheimers.org.uk)

They should have regular cleaners, a hairdresser for your mum, perhaps, someone to help her shower, a chiropodist etc. It makes such a difference.

I wonder if she did go into a home whether you and your sister could go on alternate days? You would spend less time doing that and it would be less frustrating than it is now, having to battle with your dad. She would get used to it and tbh she would find people there were nicer to her than her husband is to her at home.

You seriously need to look at a nursing home that specialises in dementia care.

My mum took care of my step dad when he got ill with dementia, but he became increasingly unwell, would urinate anywhere he felt like, then started to become aggressive. Mum was driving herself into an early grave but eventually admitted she couldn't manage.

She felt guilty that she was "giving up" on him or "dumping him in a home". It was only after she saw how much better his life was in the home that she realised she'd done the best thing for him. They are fully equipped to deal with dementia patients, have different activities going on. My SD was convinced he was in a hotel and told my mum that the waitress was lovely and to make sure she left her a good tip. They're not all the horror story asylums people imagine.

Your mum's perception of time will be totally skewed; if not now, soon. She won't need daily visits as she won't know if you visited yesterday, last week or last year. There will be activities and people around to interact with her, or she can watch TV in her room in peace; she won't be bored and ignored. You could visit daily and she could complain to you about @Partiallyclosed never visiting her. I'm sorry, but the time will probably also come when she has no idea of who you are either.

It's a cruel disease but the kindest thing you can do for your mother is to put her where she can get the best specialist care. Your visits to her will be a stress-free socialising time then, not fighting to get her dressed. Your memories will be happy ones.

Every time he moans about spending money says There are no pockets in a shroud" on repeat. He won't like it but tough.

I had exactly the same situation both when my Dad was around to care for my Mum and after my Dad passed away and Mum lived with us for a bit. They would not accept any outside help but money was not the issue.

I held fast and refused to do a 3+ hour round trip to do their jobs (e.g. mow the lawn and bath mum) but offered to get care in place and a gardener which they refused (even when I was paying). When mum came to me I got a carer in place and told her I wasn't doing it. She accepted it and actually it was fine! In the end I couldn't cope and she had to go into a home, but ended up liking the home far better than being here. I would say you are in no way unreasonable - if your Dad moans at you just re-iterate the offer of getting care in place. Tell him you have another role in the mornings if it makes things easier whilst you job hunt.

I am in lreland so things may be different but can you get paid a carers allowance. Here you don't need to be full time but sounds like you are doing the necessary hours anyway and it would help your income.
Also maybe a long hard think ..for everyone's sake about a care home. My friends mom went to one against everyone's desire as they just couldn't cope. She settled really well and felt secure in the rhythms of the day there.
You say you would never want your children to care for you so l presume you mean you will go to a care home. So it may be the best place for your mom. You can then visit her and spend quality time with her without all that stress which is damaging your own health.

The "just put her in a care home" responses, don't seem to address the fact that a care home costs circa £6800 per month. So, in order to pay for this, chances are that the family home will have to be sold, making the Dad homeless. Then what?

It's so hard when this happens to your parents. I never thought that one of mine would end up in a home, but it's looking increasingly likely that my Dad will have to go in to care. He is a large heavy man, who is currently almost paralysed and there is no chance that we could care for him here as I can't even lift him. Thankfully he has a property we could sell to fund this, and selling it wouldn't make anyone homeless as he lives alone.

Op, in your shoes I'd arrange carers - maybe 2 visits a day. At least I'd try that before burning through your parents money and selling their home.

Power of attorney only kicks in when the person who has given you that power is incapable of making their own decisions. It doesn’t sound like your parents are there yet. My mum had dementia which could be horrific at times but she remained capable until she died of knowing what she wanted for herself.
After my mum died my dad who was pretty poorly came to live with me. Initially he had a carer in the morning to help him wash and dress but as he became less able we had more help eventually we had a live in carer for him.
It is extremely stressful caring for elderly relatives and your dad is not the only one who would happily let their children give up their lives to care for them. You should not be pressured into doing so. You have a life and a family which are important but I think the most important thing is that it’s so easy to lose your role as a daughter, for your parents to become a job and a job that it’s very easy to resent. I found getting a cleaner in a couple of times a week and a gardener helpful, they aren’t carers so your parents may not flinch so much at their presence but it’s someone popping in who would be aware if there was an issue.
You and your sister should register as carers with your GPs and contact age U.K. for advice as to what could be put in place to help them, like a panic button, key safe, equipment to help them in the home etc. Speak to the GP and see if you can get your mum referred to a hospice, the hospice were amazing at accessing help for my dad.
What you and your sister are already doing is way more than most. Well done and good luck. X

The "just put her in a care home" responses, don't seem to address the fact that a care home costs circa £6800 per month. So, in order to pay for this, chances are that the family home will have to be sold, making the Dad homeless. Then what?

They won't have to sell the home. They pay for care using the hundreds of thousands they have in the bank.

That sounds awful OP. I’ve missed having helpful supportive parents and in laws. They’ve been busy going on holiday and doing whatever they’ve wanted to do. Zero help with grandchildren.

When I read posts like this I thank my lucky stars that I’ll be doing jack shit elder care in future.

Hope you get some respite.

I can never stress this enough but caring is a profession. It is done by professionals who are trained to do that job, and who can also get some downtime away from their job. It is no different to being a plumber or a mechanic or a firefighter or any number of trained people you might call on. Yet we all seem to think we can suddenly become carers and feel guilty for not doing it or not wanting to do it. Stop. You are not a carer, you have no obligation to be a carer, and you will hurt yourself if you carry on. Your job is to be a daughter, to love your mum and help out with little bits of shopping etc when necessary, and to get in the professionals.

This. They have money for care and even of they didn't they wouldn't be forced to sell their house to make the remaining spouse homeless.

Home would be discounted as long as the dad lives there so no question of it making him homeless.

This seems to be so common in a certain vegetation, refusing to get help and pay for it, and expecting children to help out. It’s very selfish and places a huge burden on their children and they themselves.

I think you really have to be firm with both your parents but especially your father and just say he’s getting an outside carer and paying for it as you/your sister cannot cope anymore. Point out the alternative is a private care home for his wife and/or him. I don’t even think a private retirement flat like my nana bought would work as they’d still need an external carer but in terms of downsizing this could work or they could even let their house out and buy the flat if they’ve got the money.

Agreed with using power of attorney to pay for carers.

From my DM’s experience with her own DF and his wife the main thing I could see he got upset about was losing control, things getting too much got him, losing his home etc. Also allay his fears if he’s concerned about money or depriving you both of inheritance and the value of private carers. You and your sister need to have a proper sit down chat with your father maybe with a person from a private care company so his needs and wants and concerns are addressed as well as yours and your sister’s and his wife’s but to state in plain English what’s acceptable and unacceptable all round. My nana was luckily very sensible and practical and paid for an external carer as well as a home shopping food service (before the supper markets did it but she didn’t use internet anyway so couldn’t do that), she wanted to inconvenience her daughters one of whom lived nearby the other quite far away. My grandad (see above) it had to deteriorate into his wife going into a care/nursing home as she had dementia and Alzheimer’s and he couldn’t cope and was terminally sick then anyway. But he’d exaggerated for years and was a hypochondriac so no one believed him when he first said his wife had dementia.

Op doesn't say how much money they have just sitting in an account, but £200k would only last 29 months. Then what?

as someone who has been in this position can I say social services can help. We had a social worker and she arranged regular respite (we paid but it was so worth it) and arranged an assessment which meant parent qualified for continuing nhs health care which was not means tested and meant full funding so no care home bills etc. I think the dementia was a huge factor for n the decision.
I think a pp is correct if dad wants to martyr himself that’s his decision but he absolutely cannot do it to you.

Go back to Adult Social Services and explain you don’t want money, you want a carers assessment. They will send someone out to talk to your dad about how he’s coping, and advise him of the next steps.

Having power of attorney doesn’t actually mean you can just go ahead and spend the money unfortunately. If your dad still has capacity, he can veto it.

Don’t for goodness sake claim carers allowance. You are expected to do 30 hours of care a week in exchange for the pathetic amount they give you, and by claiming it you are basically saying that you’re happy to do that.

Local authority pays

Power of attorney only kicks in when the person who has given you that power is incapable of making their own decisions

This is not my experience. I have POA for my Dad. He is of sound mind. I still activated it with his Bank and have full access to all his money. They didn't once ask me what state he was in, mentally. The reason I did this, is because he can't use the internet or mobile banking, and we needed to pay for things for him as his physical health deteriorated (zimmer frames, rise recliner chair, carers, cleaners etc).

Op doesn't say how much money they have just sitting in an account, but £200k would only last 29 months. Then what?

They apply to the LA and for PC to help pay for the care.

Is that because the Dad would still be in the home?