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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at the behaviour of my mother?

148 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 22/06/2023 16:36

My grandmother (in her 90s) has had a fall today. She’s on her way to hospital. We don’t yet know what’s happened but it might be a broken hip. My granny has two children, my own mother who is in her 60s and doesn’t work, and my aunt who is 2 years younger and working.

Both my mum and my aunt live similar distances to my grandmother. (Roughly 15 mins drive). When I heard she’d had a fall, I called my mum. I actually thought that she might be waiting for an ambulance and, anticipating a long wait, thought that they both might need some food and drink/support, etc while waiting. It turns out she wasn’t there at all.

So basically my aunt has had to leave her workplace and take time off work to look after her. My mum, who doesn’t work, has decided to stay at home today and, in her own words, is ‘sitting on a bench at home in the sunshine with her dog’. I am quite annoyed that mum doesn’t want to go and help. I can see that she knows her sister is already with her, but I’m sure she would have been grateful for the extra support. I just know that mum won’t offer to sit with her tonight when she’s at hospital, so she’s not even anticipating a shift type situation at all. It will all fall on my aunt.

Thing is, my aunt is due to go on holiday tomorrow (she rarely goes away, whereas my mum has holidays roughly once a month). I suggested to mum that my aunt will still be able to go on holiday and that mum could help look after her. Obvs this depends on how granny is, but from what I’ve heard it doesn’t seem serious. Mum has said that she can’t help as she’s too ‘busy’. She really isn’t busy.

I’m happy to help if I can and have already called my aunt to say that I can help whilst she’s away, but I do work P/T and have small kids, so my time is limited.

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

OP posts:
MoonsHaunted · 22/06/2023 16:39

YANBU, has she always been so selfish? I just can’t imagine not helping in that situation. Very bizarre.

Soontobe60 · 22/06/2023 16:40

Whilst I understand your annoyance at your DM, I’m assuming that your aunt is perfectly capable of making her own decisions on whether to go on holiday or not.

MatildaTheCat · 22/06/2023 16:40

I don’t blame you but save your breath, it won’t change anything. However I’d be sweetly reminding her that presumably this means she won’t be requesting any help or support herself in the next phase of her life.

I hope your granny is ok and that your aunt gets her holiday.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 22/06/2023 16:41

Yes @MoonsHaunted she has always been incredibly selfish. Even so, I’m absolutely shocked at this latest behaviour of hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 22/06/2023 16:42

I don’t understand your post @Soontobe60

OP posts:
Arightoldcarryabag · 22/06/2023 16:44

You can't force a relationship that hasn't blossomed in over 60 years.
There will be reasons why your mum is the way she is and at her age, it's unlikely that sitting her down and explaining how much you dislike her is going to make her change.

I'd be disappointed in your shoes for sure, but it's for her to decide how to spend her life, not you.

Brightbear · 22/06/2023 16:44

I’m your aunt in those situations, I can tell the same story.

You’re wasting your breath saying anything, sorry.

i hope gran has a speedy recovery, such a worry at that age.

DontBePassiveAggresive · 22/06/2023 16:44

Have you asked her why she's unwilling to help? I wonder if there's an actual reason that would explain it.

pictoosh · 22/06/2023 16:48

Go for it. Tell her.
You'll get outrage and denial but hey, so what? She needs to hear it.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 22/06/2023 16:49

@DontBePassiveAggresive I’ve not asked her no. They seemed to have a great relationship when I was growing up. Although, looking back now it seemed one-sided, with my granny offering lots of help with childcare and my mum seeming to just take advantage. I honestly just think she’s just selfish and lazy - she’s got form for this kind of behaviour.

@Brightbear I’m sorry that you are the one doing all the legwork. That must be hard. I hope that you feel appreciated.

OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 22/06/2023 16:51

That's crazy, OP. I think you should say something when things are not as stressful for you.

Hope your granny is okay

GwinCoch · 22/06/2023 16:52

Your aunt is me and your mum is my sister. Every time something happens at home I am the one that heads there to sort it out. It has always been this way. My sister doesn’t work and just wants to live her own life. She has no sense of respect for the people who have brought her up. Just before Christmas my dad had very serious heart failure - she did fuck all. In April both of them went down with COVID for the first time, although not serious they are in their 70s and on the vulnerable list - I went home for three weeks to look after them. I have a lot of simmering resentment over it…

GwinCoch · 22/06/2023 16:53

Sorry also should have said that I really hope your granny is alright and getting the care that she needs.

greencheetah · 22/06/2023 16:54

What would happen if you asked your mother why she was being so unsupportive?

mainsfed · 22/06/2023 16:56

What goes around comes around, I would support your granny and aunt and I hope DM remembers this when she’s looking for care from her own dd.

I’m assuming your DM doesn’t a brother and neither do you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/06/2023 17:00

You really don't know all that goes on in other people's relationships, OP, not even your mothers. I don't understand why you're posting about her on a chatboard, it's a bit disloyal, don't you think?

You can work out your own capacity to assist your grandmother, no need to scrutinise other people's, not your business really. You sound a bit as if you're ganging up with your aunt. I really wouldn't do that. Do what you can for your grandmother and leave it that.

I don't understand this trope from Matildathecat (and countless others) that your mother shouldn't be expecting help later on if she needs it? It doesn't make any sense as well as being transactional. I'd be so disappointed if any of my family voiced nonsense like that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/06/2023 17:00

Blimey, there's another one equating apples with pears...

AcrossthePond55 · 22/06/2023 17:03

I'd be telling her that I was disappointed in her behaviour. But that based on it I was also gratified to know she wouldn't be expecting me to help her in similar circumstances.

Unless there is some past deep dark secret in their relationship her behaviour is unforgivable. It wouldn't matter to me if my sibling said they were handling it, I would want to be there too.

TheInterceptor · 22/06/2023 17:04

None of my family know the full reasons I'm NC with my elderly mother. I'm sure they think I'm just a selfish daughter. You don't know what happened before you were born, OP. Maybe there was a reason why your grandmother was so involved - making amends, perhaps? The point is, you don't know.

GwinCoch · 22/06/2023 17:04

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/06/2023 17:00

You really don't know all that goes on in other people's relationships, OP, not even your mothers. I don't understand why you're posting about her on a chatboard, it's a bit disloyal, don't you think?

You can work out your own capacity to assist your grandmother, no need to scrutinise other people's, not your business really. You sound a bit as if you're ganging up with your aunt. I really wouldn't do that. Do what you can for your grandmother and leave it that.

I don't understand this trope from Matildathecat (and countless others) that your mother shouldn't be expecting help later on if she needs it? It doesn't make any sense as well as being transactional. I'd be so disappointed if any of my family voiced nonsense like that

Yeah I don’t like those implications of there being a financial reward later on down the line, I think that’s gross. Although I think people are entitled to vent on here, me venting a little about my sister isn’t disloyal - she’s the one who is disloyal to the people who have supported her for the last 43 years - and I am sure she also knows that I think she is a selfish cow!

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2023 17:07

It's possible that there are dynamics between your mother and grandmother that you are unaware of.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 22/06/2023 17:09

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/06/2023 17:00

You really don't know all that goes on in other people's relationships, OP, not even your mothers. I don't understand why you're posting about her on a chatboard, it's a bit disloyal, don't you think?

You can work out your own capacity to assist your grandmother, no need to scrutinise other people's, not your business really. You sound a bit as if you're ganging up with your aunt. I really wouldn't do that. Do what you can for your grandmother and leave it that.

I don't understand this trope from Matildathecat (and countless others) that your mother shouldn't be expecting help later on if she needs it? It doesn't make any sense as well as being transactional. I'd be so disappointed if any of my family voiced nonsense like that

Well, the last time I looked, MN was an anonymous board where people can simultaneously ask for support/ opinions whilst actually not hurting members of their family. I fail to see how it is disloyal.

Yes, I do probably sound as if I’m ganging up with my aunt. Well, that’s because I am. I believe in the old fashioned care of your family and my mother is selfish and will be tucking into her second gin in the sunshine by now.

OP posts:
SayHi · 22/06/2023 17:10

YANBU

Please encourage your aunt to go on holiday and not to worry.

There’s often one selfish/entitled child in the family and it sounds like your mum is it.

Even if she had a bad relationship with her mum she should still help her sister out.

SayHi · 22/06/2023 17:12

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/06/2023 17:00

You really don't know all that goes on in other people's relationships, OP, not even your mothers. I don't understand why you're posting about her on a chatboard, it's a bit disloyal, don't you think?

You can work out your own capacity to assist your grandmother, no need to scrutinise other people's, not your business really. You sound a bit as if you're ganging up with your aunt. I really wouldn't do that. Do what you can for your grandmother and leave it that.

I don't understand this trope from Matildathecat (and countless others) that your mother shouldn't be expecting help later on if she needs it? It doesn't make any sense as well as being transactional. I'd be so disappointed if any of my family voiced nonsense like that

I would be very disappointed in a friend or family member who didn’t help out when someone was in need.

I guess you’re the type to not help out in this sort of situation which is why you don’t understand.

Maglin · 22/06/2023 17:12

It is selfish but it's between your mum and her mum