To be appalled at the behaviour of my mother?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

My grandmother (in her 90s) has had a fall today. She’s on her way to hospital. We don’t yet know what’s happened but it might be a broken hip. My granny has two children, my own mother who is in her 60s and doesn’t work, and my aunt who is 2 years younger and working.

Both my mum and my aunt live similar distances to my grandmother. (Roughly 15 mins drive). When I heard she’d had a fall, I called my mum. I actually thought that she might be waiting for an ambulance and, anticipating a long wait, thought that they both might need some food and drink/support, etc while waiting. It turns out she wasn’t there at all.

So basically my aunt has had to leave her workplace and take time off work to look after her. My mum, who doesn’t work, has decided to stay at home today and, in her own words, is ‘sitting on a bench at home in the sunshine with her dog’. I am quite annoyed that mum doesn’t want to go and help. I can see that she knows her sister is already with her, but I’m sure she would have been grateful for the extra support. I just know that mum won’t offer to sit with her tonight when she’s at hospital, so she’s not even anticipating a shift type situation at all. It will all fall on my aunt.

Thing is, my aunt is due to go on holiday tomorrow (she rarely goes away, whereas my mum has holidays roughly once a month). I suggested to mum that my aunt will still be able to go on holiday and that mum could help look after her. Obvs this depends on how granny is, but from what I’ve heard it doesn’t seem serious. Mum has said that she can’t help as she’s too ‘busy’. She really isn’t busy.

I’m happy to help if I can and have already called my aunt to say that I can help whilst she’s away, but I do work P/T and have small kids, so my time is limited.

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

You’ ve asked her, she’s said no. I don’t think you are going to change her mind.
Please try to encourage your aunt not to cancel her holiday though, tbh this is almost certainly the beginning of a long and difficult road for your very elderly grandmother. When my mother had a stroke at a similar age, our GP encouraged me to go away as planned; he said that the beginning was when the hospital and health service was most involved, the family had more to do later.

Your aunt is me, your mum is my mum and your granny is my grandma.
I'm having to do everything for Grandma, but she lives 2 hours away, so not so easy!

My mum has copped out for years, (mostly influenced by my dad who hates grandma!) and I've done all the work, while trying to keep a job and a family too.

BUT....

Now my parents are needing as much support as Grandma, and still I'm expected to do that too!
There's no siblings to help, no aunts or uncles.

I feel your pain.
hug

I think you should just offer what help you can and keep your beak out of the dynamics between your mother, aunt and grandmother, it's not really your business.

We don’t know the full story

Tell your mum straight but expect a selfish backlash of how your aunt is in a better suited position to help blah blah blah. I took the position of not saying anything when I went through similar to "keep the peace" wish I hadn't bothered now. But at least I know i did my bit!

Sadly YABU, people decide what they want to do and what they can cope with/not. There is no right or wrong answer here.

For note; I got incredibly angry when my DM put my Nan in a nursing home. But that was my Mum's choice and directly related to her limitations. She just wasn't prepared to look after her.

Nobody is obligated to help out elderly parents. I certainly don’t plan to. Your granny is a grown woman, she should be able to have an evening in hospital without needing the care of her children or, if she can’t, she probably should be in a care home or similar with paid support to get the level of assistance she needs.

We have had countless episodes like this from a family member. I had to accept that some people are incapable of putting others first.

This 100%

As others have said, there will be reasons as to why your mother is as she is, especially towards your grandmother. When you wrote that your grandmother offered lots of help with you and your siblings, growing up... know what my first thought was? Guilt. Nurses work long hours - and that was more the case years ago, when your mother would have been young (I know, because my own mother was an Army nurse). If your grandmother wasn't around much during her own child's formative years, then stepped in out of guilt, when that child had children of her own... I can see how your mother might feel resentful. Especially as you're so clearly more in tune with your grandmother and aunt, than you are your mother. I'm surmising they had more of a hand in your raising - for whatever reasons - than your actual mother did.

I get it. My own mother is supremely selfish, with extreme issues concerning her own mother and their lack of bonding (because, like your grandmother, mine ha to work extremely hard to support them and her younger siblings). I also don't have a great relationship with my mother - because she wasn't ever there. when I was young, due to her MH being "not great" and her having to work exceptionally hard to keep us afloat. She is a thousand times better as a Granny, than she ever was as a mother. But that doesn't mean that she's any better than most. She's like all of us - a flawed individual, whose life experiences have shaped her, in childhood, into the adult that she is now.

You will be closer to your grandmother than you are to your mother. I'm curious, though - how's your mother as a grandmother?

I hope that your Granny recovers. But I also hope that you find the opportunity to talk with your mother and actually ask her why this has happened. And that your aunt has a lovely holiday - although I suspect that she won't, through guilt. It's an insidious emotion

Very similar here.

Having said that, I wouldn't appreciate my niece sticking her nose in. I'd wonder what she was doing to support granny.

As someone else said, you can't force people to have a relationship.

I actually have a very poor relationship with my mum, but I see being there when she needs me as a duty, so I do it. My sister prefers to just instruct me from the sidelines (I ignore her). Hey ho.

You sound like the stereotypical cold-hearted westerner that usually only exists in the imagination

My sisters the same, she’s a lovely person but when things like this happen she’ll wait until the last minute to help and will basically need strong arming to do so. Being caring is a good thing, it’s your mums loss. Can you take over so your Aunt can go on holiday.

Exactly but also some people just don't want to be a carer.
They want to maintain the mother/ daughter relationship.
Many relationships break down due to the burden of being a carer.
Also it's always women who have to drop everything and are called all sorts if they don't!

I get you’re annoyed with your mum but you can not force someone to step up.
Caring for an elderly relative is hard, believe me I know, but not everyone is able to cope with the responsibility.
You can give your mum some home truths but I fear you’ll be wasting your breath and you will become more annoyed.
I hope your gran has a good recovery .

I'd just remember it when she's old and needs help. What goes around, comes around.

Yeah, that post is ridiculous and callous.

My love for them obligates me.

It doesn't - your sense of obligation obliges you to. That may be how you show love but not everyone HAS to do the same.

You have the best username by the way. Hands down.

Why does your mother not feel close or caring to your grandmother?

That does sounds very selfish of your mum, and really uncaring. Has your mum had a good relationship with her own mum (your gran)?

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

Maybe there's some history you don't know.
Maybe your mum is a selfish person.
Maybe your granny prefers your aunt.
Maybe your mum is finding this difficult.

People are bloody complicated. Think carefully about whether your 'home truths' will really help you in the long run.

Maybe contact your aunt and offer her so.e support.

There may be history or your mum may just be self centred. Think about whether you want to help her when the time comes.

You're only responsible for your actions.