To be appalled at the behaviour of my mother?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

My grandmother (in her 90s) has had a fall today. She’s on her way to hospital. We don’t yet know what’s happened but it might be a broken hip. My granny has two children, my own mother who is in her 60s and doesn’t work, and my aunt who is 2 years younger and working.

Both my mum and my aunt live similar distances to my grandmother. (Roughly 15 mins drive). When I heard she’d had a fall, I called my mum. I actually thought that she might be waiting for an ambulance and, anticipating a long wait, thought that they both might need some food and drink/support, etc while waiting. It turns out she wasn’t there at all.

So basically my aunt has had to leave her workplace and take time off work to look after her. My mum, who doesn’t work, has decided to stay at home today and, in her own words, is ‘sitting on a bench at home in the sunshine with her dog’. I am quite annoyed that mum doesn’t want to go and help. I can see that she knows her sister is already with her, but I’m sure she would have been grateful for the extra support. I just know that mum won’t offer to sit with her tonight when she’s at hospital, so she’s not even anticipating a shift type situation at all. It will all fall on my aunt.

Thing is, my aunt is due to go on holiday tomorrow (she rarely goes away, whereas my mum has holidays roughly once a month). I suggested to mum that my aunt will still be able to go on holiday and that mum could help look after her. Obvs this depends on how granny is, but from what I’ve heard it doesn’t seem serious. Mum has said that she can’t help as she’s too ‘busy’. She really isn’t busy.

I’m happy to help if I can and have already called my aunt to say that I can help whilst she’s away, but I do work P/T and have small kids, so my time is limited.

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

I'm not sure where you are, perhaps yours aren't underfunded? Or should I say funded adequately but paying too many managers fat-cat salaries leaving the whole organisation on it's knees.

Anyway, it's very much hit and miss. My mum dislocated her shoulder when she was only 50yrs old and very active and needed surgery to fix it, they refused her on the grounds that she was "too old". She's now in her 70's and for over 20 years has been unable to lift that arm because of it. Absolutely diabolical.

I'm dreading if my parents end up in hospital these days as I live in a different country (still within the UK), so might not be able to be there with them.

Oh, sorry this has happened to your beloved granny. Can your mum look after your little ones while you go and be with your gran?

That is shocking, 50 too old for shoulder surgery!! My 86 year old DF had a replacement aortic valve fitted, which gave him three years of a much better quality of life. Hopsitals here are very definitely under-funded btw, and there can be long waiting lists - DF waited two or three years to have the procedure done, but no-one suggested he was "too old".

I have read about the Liverpool Care Pathway, and while it sounds fine in theory I can see that it could be quite different in practice.

I don't know why posters are bending over backwards to excuse the OP's mother. Everyone seems desperate to create some wild backstory of abuse, narcissism or golden child/black sheep. And if the grandmother had been so bad would the OP's mum have used her so much for childcare? Surely good parents protect their children from bad people?

Some people are just selfish arseholes and it seems like the mum in this case is.

@ReadingSoManyThreads who told her 50 too old for surgery? Unless there was other complications that's absolutely nonsense as @Theoldgreygoose says.
Has she told you this or have you heard from a medical practitioner?
I've worked with patients in their 70/80s who've had shoulder/hip/knee ops.

This is an excellent comment.

This is spot on too!

Did your mother help you with your problems and the children etc, op? If she didn’t and now with this attitude, I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty about not putting myself out for her later on.
If she’s helped you or others then maybe it is just their relationship, but given the op believes it’s probably just selfishness, I think probably not.

It’s not transactional as a pp said it appears, it would just be deep disappointment and a feeling of what comes around goes around. Why should you put yourself out for someone who has never bothered to put themselves out?

I don't know why posters are bending over backwards to excuse the OP's mother.

Because we don't know why she isn't close to her mother but we do know the family has no trouble criticising her, and these two things may be related for slightly more nuanced reasons than "she's a bitch who deserves moral castigation".

Something has gone very wrong when an adult child doesn't engage with something like this. It could be that she really is as terrible as everyone in the family says she is with no reason to feel that way, but it's likely to be a bit more complicated than that.

Either way, she isn't going to respond well to moralistic ire about what a terrible person she is because people generally don't. The only purpose of doing that would be to make OP feel superior. It won't actually help the grandmother or aunt at all. You can't force people to care and it doesn't translate to practical support.

I find it interesting a lot of people are advising you to treat your mum the same way when she is elderly. I wonder if that’s why your mum is behaving the way she is now - because perhaps your Granny never helped out with her own mother when she was elderly so she thinks she is reaping what she has sown? Things like this can end up a family cycle of behaving. Each generation repeating the same behaviour.
Whatever your mums reasons you need to allow everyone involved to do what they are comfortable with. You can only control your own actions.

I’m thinking it’s worth mentioning your thoughts to your Mother. Perhaps reminding her that Gran was most helpful to her in her time of need. If no one mentions her ‘opting out of support’ then her perceived selfishness will continue. I’d choose my direct words carefully but hit the spot and don’t get involved in emotional blackmail. (Oh I’m unwell or you know I don’t like sick people or I’m busy)
Its not an easy task.
Best wishes and keep us informed.

I'd have to say something.... although I agree with the poster who mentioned about who'll help her when she needs it.
I wouldn't be quick to help your mum later...I like the idea of karma.

Many years ago, when the NHS was a much position that now, my mother was in hospital with cancer. The first night she went in, we thought she was ok to be left, but how wrong we were. She couldn't get in touch with a nurse when needed one and was left in terrible agony. And that wasn't the fault of the excellent nurses, just that there are never enough of them

That is shocking. We don't have enough nurses here either and there may well be issues in some hospitals, but that hasn't been my experience and I've never heard anyone else say someone couldn't get hold of a nurse when they really needed one.

@Theoldgreygoose

Where do you live, my mother was in hospital in Belfast.

I would ask her if that's how she wants you to react if she breaks her hip.

And MIBnightmare you are so right.

Does your mum not get along with her sister? I don't have a particularly close relationship with my Mum or siblings, but I would do the minimum of making sure my Mum got to hospital and siblings were informed of what was happening.

And OP's daughter will come on here complaining about her selfish bitch mother who won't help her grandmother...

The doctor at the hospital told her she was too old at 50yrs old. It was disgusting, she was current reigning national singles and doubles champion at the time for the sport she played, yet he said no to surgery. My mum is not the sort to question doctors, she does what she's told by them unfortunately. Had it been me, I'd have made formal complaints and made sure the surgery happened.

Good point but I'm guessing she knows both their personality traits.

New Zealand.

OP's daughter will imagine she knows them both well too, just as OP does now.

I'm so sorry. I was always the one who had to do everything even when I was widowed, had a job and children at school while my sister who lived much nearer my parents had two working age boys at home not working and did not help when my dad was dying. I almost crashed the car by nearly falling asleep driving back after an overnight vigil, returning to my home in the early morning with the washing which I would be taking back clean in the afternoon after looking after my youngest daughter and leaving her with her big sister again. There was no offer of help, even though my children needed me having had their father die the year before.

I can't say I am not seriously scarred by this and many other experiences I had at her hands. I do not have contact with her now.

These selfish people are a breed apart. They cannot see anything from any other person's perspective. Their life is all about themselves.