To be appalled at the behaviour of my mother?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

My grandmother (in her 90s) has had a fall today. She’s on her way to hospital. We don’t yet know what’s happened but it might be a broken hip. My granny has two children, my own mother who is in her 60s and doesn’t work, and my aunt who is 2 years younger and working.

Both my mum and my aunt live similar distances to my grandmother. (Roughly 15 mins drive). When I heard she’d had a fall, I called my mum. I actually thought that she might be waiting for an ambulance and, anticipating a long wait, thought that they both might need some food and drink/support, etc while waiting. It turns out she wasn’t there at all.

So basically my aunt has had to leave her workplace and take time off work to look after her. My mum, who doesn’t work, has decided to stay at home today and, in her own words, is ‘sitting on a bench at home in the sunshine with her dog’. I am quite annoyed that mum doesn’t want to go and help. I can see that she knows her sister is already with her, but I’m sure she would have been grateful for the extra support. I just know that mum won’t offer to sit with her tonight when she’s at hospital, so she’s not even anticipating a shift type situation at all. It will all fall on my aunt.

Thing is, my aunt is due to go on holiday tomorrow (she rarely goes away, whereas my mum has holidays roughly once a month). I suggested to mum that my aunt will still be able to go on holiday and that mum could help look after her. Obvs this depends on how granny is, but from what I’ve heard it doesn’t seem serious. Mum has said that she can’t help as she’s too ‘busy’. She really isn’t busy.

I’m happy to help if I can and have already called my aunt to say that I can help whilst she’s away, but I do work P/T and have small kids, so my time is limited.

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

You can’t make people care

I have a horrendous history with my own mother, I am the eldest and frankly without bias was shat upon significantly more so, this is acknowledged amongst all of us siblings and wider family members. I have forgiven her but others have not, I wouldn't dare expect them to help me care for her, to lighten the load I have previously and no doubt in the future will take on again.

I don’t think it’s fair to call the OP disloyal, personally, for posting here. Isn’t that partly (mainly?) what mumsnet is for? Also no-one is guaranteed loyalty. You earn it. Or at least, that’s what I think… Agree though that we may never know the full story (although the OP MIGHT)…

I’m your aunt. My brother is your mum. I have kids, he has none. I live 40 mins from mum, he lives 10 minutes. I do Everything. Mum is very unwell. She makes excuses for him.
However, she’s just given me £20k as a gift ‘for all you do - but don’t tell your brother’
he’d be round to ‘help’ like a shot if he knew that!
some people are just entitled and selfish.

It's a chatboard ( ?).
Exactly the sort of place to discuss things that you can't discuss IRL.
Not disloyal.

I would love to hear his side of this.

I do think it was fair but I'm ok with different opinions. OP is publicly chiding her mother on a chatboard which is very often fodder for the gutter press. It's not beyond the realm of possibility that this might be picked up and the circumstances are quite specific.

Still, it is up to the OP if she wants to encourage others to call her mother names (which they have been doing all through the thread). That's' not loyalty in my book. Maybe OP's mother will get wind of this and the problem will resolve itself altogether. I wonder if the back-patters will pile on again then?

Well we don't know what's gone on before do we.But your Aunt has to have her holiday! Maybe tell your mum, granny is looking forward to you visiting as Auntie won't be around for a bit. But you know old people don't need their hands held 24/7. I know my kids are busy with their families.The staff will look after her very well.
It's sad mum doesn't want to help though.Maybe she isn't a very empathetic person, we aren't all perfect in that way.

Yes, you can be appalled at your mother's behaviour, however, I would say nothing to her. She may be simply selfish and/or lazy, but there may be other issues that you're unaware of. I'd stay out of that.

However, if I were in your position, I would as much as possible go visit your Granny. I've heard of so many elderly people going into hospital with a broken hip and never making it out again. Ensure you make sure she drinks water while you're there and take some snacks in for her and ensure she eats them. I'd also get her to take a high-dose vitamin C supplement while you're there too, to help protect her from catching an infection.

Although the Liverpool Care Pathway was discontinued, they still unofficially use it with the elderly.

So between you and your Aunty, you can take good care of her and get her back home as soon as possible.

‘a bit disloyal’? Posted anonymously? Are you just winding people up? You don’t understand why she’s posting? Did you take some time deciding on the most stupid comments you could make?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe You're on here all the time. Have you really never understood the purpose of an anonymous forum?

I have family that behave like this when it comes to caring for an elderly/infirm family member! I genuinely will never understand how people can be so selfish but they and there is nothing that you can do to change it. It says everything you need to know about their priorities and you can remind your mother of these priorities should she ever expect you to care for her!

I agree with this. Unless your mum is always like this, there will be things you’re unaware of. Possibly don’t be too quick to judge.

Guessing this was in response to me? Didn’t see it until now as not tagged etc. Yes my version of love entails caring for others; I think that’s the case for many people? And I never said it was the rule for everyone, my sister certainly doesn’t think so. But it’s a no brainer for me.

OP, are you in a position to help care for your granny?

I've been your mum in a similar situation. There were reasons, that my children were totally (and rightly) unaware of.

If you don't tell your mum, who will?

Do it.

Your aunt and you are obviously made from tge same stuff your grandmother is,, your mum sounds like she's a cuckoo!

I hope your grandmother recovers well and your aunt enjoys her holiday.

I think that some people just aren't the caring type.

I know I'm not.

Happy enough to visit in hospital & again when home.

Not so good at the waiting for someone in pain to be seen.

Op would your Mum have stepped up if your Aunt hadn't?

Your aunt and you are obviously made from tge same stuff your grandmother is,, your mum sounds like she's a cuckoo!

I'm sure the family agrees...

Some people aren't as giving as others, and that's fine. I hate the assumption that because someone isn't employed or has children to take care of their time is somehow less valuable than someone else's. Your aunt chose to take time off from work, probably because she is going away and wanted to ensure everything was OK before she left for her holiday. Your mum might also be of the opinion that she's at the hospital, so in the right place and no need for further input.
I don't consider myself especially selfish as such, but lm chosey how I give. Maybe your mum thinks Granny is OK. In a bit of discomfort, but OK. Yes, visiting might cheer her up, but it's not needed and it will inconvenience your mum. She's weighed it up and decided she's not needed.
You might have acted differently but you can impose sacrifices you think others should make. This will of course impact on relationships and it could well be that your mums relationships aren't as deep as yours and the rest of your family's, but she's perfectly happy with them.

I agree. OP's mum should of course be visiting, but why does she need to "take care" of her mother? - she's in hospital. Another poster suggested OP make sure her granny is drinking water, take some snacks in etc. - don't staff in hospitals do that (I don't live in the UK, maybe things are different there). I'm also a bit puzzled by the "sitting with her at night" comment made in the original post. Why is that necessary? People don't normally do that unless someone is dying, and not always then. Surely hospitals don't want to be cluttered with patients' visitors staying all night? People (women) with no job or no children to look after are allowed to do whatever they wish with their spare time, it's not up to others to police it. OP's aunt has made her choice, her mum has made hers, end of.

Wow, that is really cold on the part of your Mother. A fall at that age, even 10-years-younger, can be fatal. YANBU 😔

@Theoldgreygoose there was a method of "treatment" in the UK called the Liverpool care pathway. Many elderly people went into hospital with injuries and didn't come home. Some were stopped from having food and drink so that they starved to death or died of dehydration. It was well covered in the press so you could probably Google it and find some info. I think the poster was saying to give drink and food to ensure her gran wasn't experiencing this.

I would message her telling her how absolutely, atrociously selfish she's being and that you'll be distancing yourself massively and you're digusted. Honestly, what a scumbag.

Unfortunately with hospitals in the UK being state-funded, not all patients get the level of care they need. Therefore, often family of especially elderly patients need to take care of their loved ones and ensuring they stay hydrated and fed as this is often overlooked, particularly with the elderly. I had a two day stay in hospital after having a baby and wasn't given any food or drinks that whole time, my husband had to bring food and water in for me. Sometimes hospitals will deliberately starve and dehydrate elderly patients to kill them off, if you google the supposedly discontinued "Liverpool Care Pathway", you will read all about the despicable way in which some people are starved and dehydrated to death.

Hospitals here are state funded, and while I only have experience of my parents being in our local one, or the one in the nearest city, they received excellent care. What you and @ReadingSoManyThreads have described is just awful. My late DM broke her hip, was sent to the city to have it pinned, then came back to the rehabilitation ward of our local hospital where she spent another eight weeks until they thought she could manage at home. All I needed to do the whole time she was there was visit her.