To be appalled at the behaviour of my mother?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

My grandmother (in her 90s) has had a fall today. She’s on her way to hospital. We don’t yet know what’s happened but it might be a broken hip. My granny has two children, my own mother who is in her 60s and doesn’t work, and my aunt who is 2 years younger and working.

Both my mum and my aunt live similar distances to my grandmother. (Roughly 15 mins drive). When I heard she’d had a fall, I called my mum. I actually thought that she might be waiting for an ambulance and, anticipating a long wait, thought that they both might need some food and drink/support, etc while waiting. It turns out she wasn’t there at all.

So basically my aunt has had to leave her workplace and take time off work to look after her. My mum, who doesn’t work, has decided to stay at home today and, in her own words, is ‘sitting on a bench at home in the sunshine with her dog’. I am quite annoyed that mum doesn’t want to go and help. I can see that she knows her sister is already with her, but I’m sure she would have been grateful for the extra support. I just know that mum won’t offer to sit with her tonight when she’s at hospital, so she’s not even anticipating a shift type situation at all. It will all fall on my aunt.

Thing is, my aunt is due to go on holiday tomorrow (she rarely goes away, whereas my mum has holidays roughly once a month). I suggested to mum that my aunt will still be able to go on holiday and that mum could help look after her. Obvs this depends on how granny is, but from what I’ve heard it doesn’t seem serious. Mum has said that she can’t help as she’s too ‘busy’. She really isn’t busy.

I’m happy to help if I can and have already called my aunt to say that I can help whilst she’s away, but I do work P/T and have small kids, so my time is limited.

I’m just SO livid at my mum who never ever seems to help and just isn’t bothered about her own mother. Granny is a lovely, caring supportive person - a former nurse - who helped my own mother with her children etc loads and now mum just doesn’t care. I’m tempted to get angry with her and tell her some home truths.

You really don't know all that goes on in other people's relationships, OP, not even your mothers.

I agree with this. I’m sure you’d mum has her reasons. Your gran may be very different you what you think or maybe your mum really is just selfish or not bothered.

If you want to help then do so, it’s not for you to try to make others help.

I had to care for both my grandparents because their own children didn’t really bother. It gave my own kids a lovely relationship with their great grandparents but it was bloody difficult balancing everything and my partner would often get involved to help too.

Your mum ought to take her turn but you can’t force her.

It's easy to stand back and say what you'd do or wouldn't do when it's all hypothetical.

Having been through this recently when an elderly relative fell and broke a hip once the initial flurry of A&E, going home for pyjamas/medication, speaking to doctors is over, then there is not much to be done. The doctors/nurses/physios take over. A 90 year old with a broken hip is going to be in hospital for weeks. If not months. Many adult children in this situation worry that they are going to be guilted or coerced by hospital staff into caring on a more permanent basis - oh granny can't possibly go home to her own house, she needs looking after! - and very few people are prepared for the reality of giving up your entire life to devote it to an elderly and increasingly frail person.

It's super easy to judge, but until you're in that situation...

What a selfish witch

What a selfish witch

You have absolutely no idea of what’s going on, yet you judge. How ridiculous. Relationships are complicated. It is very, very unlikely that there’s been a fantastic, loving relationship between OPs grandma and mother over the years and then OPs mum doesn’t care when she’s ill. It is very, very likely there’s a lot more to it.

All children have different relationships with their parents. My mother never had a good relationship with my grandmother. But my younger aunt and my grandmother were much closer.

However, my mother facilitated our relationship with her mother. So, I'd have dropped everything to help my grandmother in that situation when she was alive.

But I doubt my mother would have - at one point, my mother moved half way across the world to get away from her mother.

Could it be something like this? The mother-daughter relationship is supposed to be "she's my best friend" - but as you demonstrate in your feelings about your own mother, that's not always the case.

Had your aunt said anything? Your mum does sound very uncaring. What's your mum like with you and your DC?

OP, you've said she's always been selfish, so there's your answer. She knows her sister will be there for their mum so she never needs to bother to stir her lazy stumps. I would tell her exactly what I thought, but don't expect her to change.

Can you use a bit of strategic shaming? As in, 'This doesn't look very good, Mum. Everyone knows you're not busy, me included.'

How do you come to that conclusion?

OP, it's best you work on accepting that this is the relationship your mum and nan have and don't enforce your view on her or others. You don't know what happened that led to this kind of relationship even if it seemed like everything was okay when growing up. Believe it or not, your mother does not owe her mother anything. Nothing, including care in old age.

Your aunt is making her own decision. She can still go on holiday if she wants to. It should not be used to guiltrip her sister. Many people have no relatives and they still manage a hospital stay.

I think @AcrossthePond55, in their first paragraph, has written in concise terms what I would say if I were in your shoes @Mysteriousgirl2 .

Also, I think @Soontobe60 was alluding to the possiblity that your aunt may decide to stay and not go on her holiday because she may want to stay with her mother through this and it's not your call or decision to make.
I can also see that if I was the aunt in that scenario, I might desperatly want to go on holiday but I might feel compelled to stay because my sister wasn't actively stepping up and sharing the burden.

Just my take on the situation.

I hope your gran makes a full recovery and that you're able to negotiate some sort of arrangement between your mother and your aunt (if you decide to put yourself in to that position).

But lots of have us been in that situation to be fair. When my maternal grandparents passed away, one was short and the quick and the other was literal months. My mum just did what she to do and managed to hang on to her job and still be present for what was happening three and a half hours away. I think that’s why people have such strong feelings on here, because many have had to go through a very similar situation and consideration.

If I didn't know better, I'd have thought your mum was my sister!

Some people are selfish. Leave them to it, but just remember that those who can't be depended upon shouldn't expect anything either. I don't think you should be putting yourself in the middle, but yes, stick up for and support your aunt. Make sure that she gets her holiday and don't let your mother spoil that for her. It's too easy for those people who care and are responsible to end up putting others before themselves and some family will always let them or guilt trip them that they are letting people down. Your aunt needs to go away as planned and tell her to leave your mothers number with the hospital!

There could be a massive backstory that you don't know about.

My mum is the eldest of 5, with two brothers and two sisters. Their father is now ageing and my aunts (who both work, no kids or grandchildren) keep trying to get my mum (who is retired but very hands on with her grandchildren) to go to their home country and take care of their father. Endless guilt trips. (Never any guilt trips on the brothers of course). Saying it's her duty, she is being selfish and expecting them to do it all, etc.

From the outside it might look super selfish that she refuses to help when she is not still working and when we did see him she was able to keep up appearances. But I know how horrible my grandfather was to my mother, he ruined her career (twice), he wasn't abusive but he was an all-around arsehole who is now reaping what he's sown.

My aunts have conveniently forgotten his monstrous behaviour and the fact that he has never made any attempt to make amends, and pretend he has always been there for them (he hasn't). I didn't grow up with him so can see him with clearer eyes. I try and support my mum in this but it is hard with my aunts (who I love) guilting and gaslighting. They are operating within the fear/obligation/guilt paradigm still, I know, so I don't hold it against them.

Hopefully karma will bite your dm when she needs help and her dd cba...

My sister won't get involved with my elderly mothers care at all. My mum (who appears to be a sweet old lady) tells anyone who will listen how terrible my sister is and what a disappointment she is.

She misses out the bit about how she abused all her children and husband for years (she has a diagnosed personality disorder). Her favourite saying to me is 'you weren't worth the pain of childbirth'. When I was seven she told me my dad didn't want me and tried to have me aborted (he did). Her GP witnessed her abusing my dying father and had my dad removed to die in peace.

To the outside my sister looks selfish not helping elderly frail mother.
I'm the 'good' daughter because I help her (only because I get paid and because i am completely brainwashed to put her needs ahead of mine. If I try to stop she threatens me with all kinds)

My mum tells everyone what a great mum she was and how she can't understand why her children won't visit her/help her.

To everyone outside the family she seems like a lovely, sweet, smiling, helpful, easy going person. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

OP may not know everything about the relationship between her mum and gran but she has a better idea than anyone on this thread, so I'll take her word that her mother has always been "incredibly selfish" and has form, which is why she's fuming. Sadly, there's a lot of selfish people around who would behave in exactly such a manner, whoever might need their help.

OP, I hope your Granny is OK.

I think in your shoes I would directly ask your mum why she doesn’t want to help.
relationships can be complex. Also consider that your mum might have something going on in her life that she hasn’t told you about. I think from the outside people would think I’m like your mum, but I have a lot of very difficult personal problems that nobody knows about, and apart from my household I don’t have the physical or mental ability to cope with anyone else’s problems. From the outside nobody would realise that. Could your mum be in a similar situation?

your mother doesn't sound like a person who will take direction from others, especially those she considers her subordinates...ie you OP.
Dont waste your breath, that's just who she is, she will reap what she sows!

Some people are just selfish.

My uncle was always the golden child and was treated very well whilst my mum wasn’t but when it came to actually doing anything like taking my gran to hospital appointments, shopping, repairs etc he was no where to be seen, even though he lived about a 5 minute walk away and my mum lived a 30 minute drive away.
It always fell to my mum as she wasn’t going to let her suffer and my uncle would just refuse saying he’s too busy.

This was my thought too

Relationships are complicated. It is very, very unlikely that there’s been a fantastic, loving relationship between OPs grandma and mother over the years and then OPs mum doesn’t care when she’s ill. It is very, very likely there’s a lot more to it.

I agree.

My Mum is your aunt, I am you (although slightly different, I live overseas and was on the first plane over), and my mum's siblings are your mum. So sorry OP.

There is always this belief that there has to be 'a massive backstory' or you don't know the 'relationship between them' .. it infuriates me when posters come out with these bollox assumptions. As though the OP hasn't spent her ENTIRE LIFE around these people and has somehow missed a 'massive back story .

Sometimes... people are just massive, selfish, entitled knobs.