To let DH deal with the consequences of his inactions?

[Caribun]

Long story short, about 4 years ago I put in a lot of time and work to find out how much a new kitchen would cost. I went to several suppliers, I looked at the costs of installing new cupboards etc. ourselves, worked out various options for finances and what to do next all to make it easy and affordable.

DH said we didn't need a new kitchen and just wanted to paint the walls so it looked fresher, which is what he did.

Now 4 years on, with a DD(2) and another one on the way, the hob has a gas leak so it's had to be disconnected today, the big oven stopped working 6 months ago so we can't really cook properly (we have two, so still have a small oven) and the washing machine has broken down. The cupboards are falling apart and it's so cold in the winter because it's not properly insulated, that we can't spend any time in it.

DH is now bitterly complaining about how it's "unfair" that everything has broken at once, and it'll cost a fortune for a new kitchen.

AIBU to just sit here quietly thinking we'd have been 4 years into a (very affordable even with the cost of living) 5 year finance plan with a brand new kitchen and appliances if he'd just listened to me in the first place, and let him get on with working out what to do next?

Leave him to it. And let him sort out all the meals. Yanbu to spell out what you could have been using.

YANBU.

Don't gloat, don't be smug. But tell him your foresaw this, you did a lot of work, you made a plan, and he was dismissive.

You only need to tell him once. Chances are he's already well-aware.

Don't lift a finger in the groundwork. Let him research all the boring stuff. Just like you did. Just appear for the fun stuff. If he complains tell him you'd already done all the boring shit years ago. Now its his turn.

That’s unfair. A few new appliances, replaced over time rather than a whole new kitchen would have prevented most of this current state of affairs.

You couldn’t have predicted issues with your appliances such as a gas leak. New ovens can have leaks too.

Also, if your kitchen needed to be insulated, that’s building work. Cost of that can quickly spiral beyond initial costings.

on the fence here.

On one hand, it's pretty wasteful to spend money on new things when you could get another 4 years out of them. Sadly, even expensive washing machines don't even last that long anymore.
I am not sure I'd want a new kitchen just for the sake of getting new, it will always get done eventually when you need to.

On the other hand, if your cupboards are really falling apart, it must have been obvious back then that work would need to be done soon.

Here’s the old plan

you will need to look stuff up again as costs will have risen

have fun DH

Maybe followed by I’m off out to the pub for dinner m, you feed the kids

Wait till he finds out how much they’ve gone up in price in that time. We had a new one last year and it would already be about 15% more to have the same thing done now.

Prices of luxury stuff like new kitchens are going to plummet over the next few months. The days of ripping out perfectly good kitchens and bathrooms have well and truly gone. I forecast some amazing deals coming on stream now.

Get quotes in. If its too expensive then just replace the appliances.

Thanks for the perspective so far.

To add, 4 years ago the kitchen was already run down, the appliances were old and the kitchen was 'tired'. Yes we could have gotten away with just replacing appliances as we went along but, for example, we have one of those spinning cupboard thingamajigs which used to have a chopping board on the top, the chopping board had rotted away 4 years ago, and now we can't even open the cupboard as its collapsed (to give you an idea of why I'm saying we needed a new kitchen not just new appliances). The cupboard fronts are peeling, as are the counter tops, cupboard doors have come off etc. and regarding the insulation, I'd factored in costs for that too and we could have paid for that outright whilst financing a kitchen.

I am absolutely not here to just have new because I fancy it, but for added context so you can see where I'm coming from, we had a leak in the bathroom just before DD was born, which I told DH about (couldn't fix myself as heavily pregnant, also don't have access to joint finances so can't pay for anything without him), he did nothing, the bath then partially fell through the ceiling and we had to have a completely new bathroom because the whole thing was ruined.

I'm happy to pay for things as they break, but he won't do that either, hence the oven being broken for 6 months, the bath falling through the ceiling etc. so it seemed the best option to have the whole thing done, whilst it did need doing but was relatively functional still, rather than leaving it, and have what's happened now where we have (almost) 2 children and a kitchen which is falling apart around us.

Hope that makes sense!

also don't have access to joint finances so can't pay for anything without him)

Wait, what?

Can you say more about this?

It sounds like you didn’t need a new kitchen five years ago and you do now. I don’t see the issue. It was probably better to wait and get more life out of the old one if anythign.

YANBU, point out that you did all the research 4 years ago and then leave him to it.

So your husband refuses to spend money on prudent house maintenance and updates, and he has a tight hold on the purse strings, so tight that you can’t actually replace necessary items without his consent.

Do you live in sixteenth century? Because it sounds as if you have problems well beyond a leaky hob, tbh.

I wouldn't be quietly thinking nowt me. I'd be loud and then I'd be telling him no access to family money is financial abuse and what the fuck was he going to do so there was a functional kitchen in the near future

Why are you being passive?

If you don’t have access to joint finances, then they’re not joint finances.

The fact that you have no access to joint accounts is the issue to me.

You got 4 years extra out of the appliances. That's not the issue.

At least you are married

DH and I have always agreed to keep our largest asset, our home, well-maintained. What this means is that we try to put aside money so that large appliances can be purchased when they fail (normally after 10 years, if you look after them) at the rate of (cost of new appliance now + 20%) / 120 to get a monthly figure ove 10 years.
So a main oven, hob, extractor hood, fridge, freezer, dishwasher, washing machine & tumble dryer monthly instalment would be around £47.00, so we would make that up to £50.00 per month.
In addition, we try to keep cupboards, sinks and floors in good condition, and might give the kitchen a refresh if it starts to look tired, same with bathroom & loo, plus a regular cleaning, decorating and gardening schedule, in order that if we need to sell, the state of the house won’t put off potential buyers.
According to Ideal Home, a kitchen in a bad state can devalue your home by up to £20,000 https://www.idealhome.co.uk/news/value-kitchens-add-to-a-property-263030, so could potentially lose you more than any outlay on new kitchen and appliances…

also don't have access to joint finances so can't pay for anything without him

This is all sorts of wrong.

Why don't you have access to joint finances OP?

Quite possible but the cost of labour to fit it is just going up and up.

They're not joint finances if you don't have access to them.

A new kitchen is not the problem here.

It won’t if people stop having work done. If nobody’s employing kitchen fitters the price will go down. The building trade had its bonanza for two years, the party’s over now.

It can only go down so far. With minimum wage, increased NI and pension obligations it can only go so low before people just Jack it in and do something else. Then you’ll get a shortage of labour and costs will increase again.