To let DH deal with the consequences of his inactions?

[Caribun]

Long story short, about 4 years ago I put in a lot of time and work to find out how much a new kitchen would cost. I went to several suppliers, I looked at the costs of installing new cupboards etc. ourselves, worked out various options for finances and what to do next all to make it easy and affordable.

DH said we didn't need a new kitchen and just wanted to paint the walls so it looked fresher, which is what he did.

Now 4 years on, with a DD(2) and another one on the way, the hob has a gas leak so it's had to be disconnected today, the big oven stopped working 6 months ago so we can't really cook properly (we have two, so still have a small oven) and the washing machine has broken down. The cupboards are falling apart and it's so cold in the winter because it's not properly insulated, that we can't spend any time in it.

DH is now bitterly complaining about how it's "unfair" that everything has broken at once, and it'll cost a fortune for a new kitchen.

AIBU to just sit here quietly thinking we'd have been 4 years into a (very affordable even with the cost of living) 5 year finance plan with a brand new kitchen and appliances if he'd just listened to me in the first place, and let him get on with working out what to do next?

We've never had a joint account, he will always say that our money is joint and I can access savings when needed, but in reality because he works full time and I only work part time, he has the extra income for things like savings/ holidays etc. in his bank/ 'family' saving accounts, whereas mine all goes on the bills we agreed I would pay (it is shared out fairly). But, it means I have to ask if it's OK to organise or book things and ask him to transfer money to my account because he doesn't organise or pay for things otherwise.

You need to sort this out and get all bank accounts changed to both your names. The only individually named accounts should be for if you both gave a set amount of individual spend/fun money type things.

What are they going to “jack it in” to do? The economy’s going down the pan.

He's tight as a tick isn't he?

That sounds like a very bad set up

If your access to money is so limited that you couldn't stop the ceiling falling down it's financial abuse - preventing your access to something essential

OP, you really, really need to address the issue of the imbalance in your financial circumstances.

So basically you live in a dump because your husband refuses to fix things when they need it, unless they’ve actually collapsed around your head. I’d be… very pissed off. Understatement. I mean that bath- it sounds like you or the dc could have been hurt or killed. I wouldn’t be sitting back and waiting for him to fix it I’d be screaming this is all your bloody fault and I just want to live in a home that works but you won’t let me!!

You buried the lede. Your bathtub partially fell through the ceiling because when you saw a problem you couldn't fix it without your dh's financial help and he wouldn't help. you don't have joint access to finances. Ouch.

The kitchen is a symptom.

My husband is also FT while I'm PT, but we still have joint accounts that I can access without his permission. That's not a reason.

Oh no....I recognise you. I was once you. He's never going to change and you will be living in a broken house full of anger, frustration and resentment.

Get to couples counselling asap as you need to communicate to him that this could become a marriage breaker. It's another one of those "My wife divorced me because I didn't use the dishwasher " scenarios.

This sort of thing has risen dramatically in price so you're looking at a much more expensive refit now .... i'd be fuming.

Not fair and not right.

I've got a friend like your DH .... they live in a hovel whilst he counts his savings. He resents spending a penny on the house. I really feel for her as all the houses around her have gradually been done up/extended and hers sticks out like a sore thumb. Different entirely if they couldn't afford it but they can. I'd have left by now and be happy in a new modern one bed flat.

It's all very well saying let him face the consequences but you're the one at home all day.

If you get on well with your parents or in laws, I'd move in with them. And tell him you're not moving back until it's sorted.

YANBU.

I’d explain to him that when you looked at getting new appliances previously, you were shot down, so to prevent the same attitude from happening again, he can deal with it.

Hand him the plans from 4 years ago and say, ‘Hello, darling. I think it’s time we took another look at these’.

‘And by we, I mean you.’

TBH I wouldn't trust him to do it!

out of the entire thread

also don't have access to joint finances so can't pay for anything without him

sticks out for me.

Why? Why don't you have access to JOINT finances? Because if there is an emergency for something that needs fixing (gas leak? the leak?) you shouldn't be waiting on him to release funds.

It’s not a joint account if you don’t have direct access to it.

As you are married and have kids together, stop being so passive and letting your DH have the final say, just because he happens to earn more than you. He’s not your bloody boss!!

Instead of playing games and using manipulation as some have suggested, you need to have a serious discussion with him to work out a plan for moving forwards as a proper partnership. Tell him clearly that it’s not working and from now on, he no longer gets the final say on bigger purchases, whether holidays, home improvements, car purchase etc…

I don't understand what you mean by letting him deal with the consequences of his inactions. You've literally had your bath come through the ceiling and now you can't open a kitchen cabinet unless it collapses and you have no working appliances. This level of disrepair is dangerous to you and your child.

You're all going to be dealing with the consequences of his inaction if you don't make a stand about this.

And don't even get me started on the financial position.

You really need a joint account OP. And presumably you’re working part time to look after your DD (unpaid, which benefits him).

You should both have equal spending/leisure money and access to the joint money.

Smug, but not unreasonable

Are you married?

Or are you in a flat share and you hate him?