To let DH deal with the consequences of his inactions?

[Caribun]

Long story short, about 4 years ago I put in a lot of time and work to find out how much a new kitchen would cost. I went to several suppliers, I looked at the costs of installing new cupboards etc. ourselves, worked out various options for finances and what to do next all to make it easy and affordable.

DH said we didn't need a new kitchen and just wanted to paint the walls so it looked fresher, which is what he did.

Now 4 years on, with a DD(2) and another one on the way, the hob has a gas leak so it's had to be disconnected today, the big oven stopped working 6 months ago so we can't really cook properly (we have two, so still have a small oven) and the washing machine has broken down. The cupboards are falling apart and it's so cold in the winter because it's not properly insulated, that we can't spend any time in it.

DH is now bitterly complaining about how it's "unfair" that everything has broken at once, and it'll cost a fortune for a new kitchen.

AIBU to just sit here quietly thinking we'd have been 4 years into a (very affordable even with the cost of living) 5 year finance plan with a brand new kitchen and appliances if he'd just listened to me in the first place, and let him get on with working out what to do next?

Nah.

So your husband does the paid work and lucky you get to do the unpaid and poorly paid work. And because of this he keeps all the spare money and decides what it is spent on. As a result you have to operate with small children in a dilapidated if not dangerous environment. Sounds great.

I’ve got a similar OH who doesn’t lift a finger to work out what needs doing and then, instead of being grateful for the effort i’ve gone to, won’t consider to my plans because they will cost (any) money, he suffers from inertia and ultimately they’re not his plans. Your frustration is absolutely justified. However, you just need to move forward and get an agreement on whether you replace and repair or go new and suck up the cost. Do it quickly because every day the resentment will build in my experience. Good luck.

You sound very unhappily married

That was to @SeedyM but also applies to the OP sadly

I wouldn't go quite that far @Jazzappledelish but there's good and bad in most long term relationships - coming up 40 years here. No point OP dwelling on what she can't change from 4 years ago and best just to crack on and sort out the problem before it becomes entrenched.

Every day for forty years “the resentment has building up” doesn’t sound happy to me

I've read all your posts, OP, but not many others.

If you'd been able to sort your kitchen out 4 years ago it would have been much cheaper as the cost of borrowing money was so low. Unlike now. That's obviously your husband's fault (not the high interest rate but the fact that you didn't go ahead then). This man's judgement seems all to cock - is he always like this?

I think I'd try giving him Pot Noodles all the time and see what he does.

You got another 4 years out of the old appliances. How is that not a plus?

@Blossomtoes O suspect this is wishful thinking! My FIL is a kitchen fitter booked up til November right now… admittedly he’s a bloody good one, but….

How did you marry my husband from so far away? does he also complain about the cost of things that are actually really cheap while buying himself expensive toys? My husband would drop $20 while picking up a penny and then somehow blame everyone else for it, so I feel exactly where you are coming from. man never met a penny he couldn't pinch or a pound he couldn't lose. We are living with cupboard doors missing, freezer only working, leaky sink, washer and dryer barely work, water heater needed replacing when we purchased a decade ago, bathroom needs to be replaced. Sink doesn't work, tub has to be turned on with a wrench. My car needs all new brakes and rotors (he lied when he took it out for the day and said he fixed them like I wouldn't noticed when they started squeaking days later) and tires, meanwhile a car he bought for $8k sits out front, not being used at all and he refuses to sell it. Also keeps lending out money that he never gets back, or gets back in 20 here, 50 there so he just spends it instead of putting it back in the bank. but wants to say that us not being able to afford repairs is my fault when the most expensive thing I buy is food that I coupon for and clothing for growing children that I buy on clearance racks and at thrift stores.
Sorry, you held up a mirror and I overshared. But leaving it because we aren't the only ones.

I can relate to some of your story. Quite a few years back now, I noticed a crack in the shower tray. Looked into replacing it, realised we weren't going to be able to replace like for like and it was going to be a little complicated and definitely NOT a DIY job. Concluded that we could wait a little but when it properly cracked through we'd need to get someone in to fix it properly.

Some months later, that happens and I say, ok we need to get it fixed. Oh no says DH, I'm sure I can fix it. Well, to get a new tray to fit he had to take off some tiles, the space underneath was different etc. The drainpipe wasn't adequately sealed which we discovered when there was a leak into the study underneath. We switched to using the main bathroom (lucky to have that option).

But we're both to blame for not having sorted it out in the years subsequently :( Not good at making decisions and getting things organised.

OP I hope that you can improve communication in your household, get this sorted, and work towards a better system for making decisions about necessary maintenance.

This 👆

Voted YABU because it sounded in the first paragraph like you decided the family needed a new kitchen and ran away with the idea before he vetoed it.

But based on your later paragraphs and posts, I actually think he will be miserable to grow old with as he sounds almost neglectful - to you, the house, his child - by refusing to put money you both have (or could have saved between the finance plan and now) and make a kitchen habitable to cook comfortably in.

So YANBU, but I think there are bigger problems, like your lack of access to joint money and the way your finances being set up means you have to ask for money and dont actually have a 50% right to spend it. He overruled you in the same way you could have overruled him if you had the same access to the money as him. You didn't, and wouldnt have, but that's besides the point, the point is that he has the power and wont share it, which makes him the unagreed master of the money.

He knows. He just can't acknowledge it.

Do what you want but the consequences will affect you both so you aren't getting out of this

I couldn't live like this, OP. Both in terms of the finances and the inaction and lack of any kind of empathy or concern towards you. I'd be gathering as much info as I could about his financial affairs and then taking half of the savings he has so miserly built up over time and living a life free from stress, a life of financial freedom.

Yes, this. Exactly what I was thinking.

This.

Stop having children with a controlling man.

He's penny wise pound foolish. OP is smarter with money. As am I. Luckily OH let's me crack on where large amounts are concerned.

I think people need to calm down a bit.
OP did a lot of research about a new kitchen (I’ve done this before when I’ve got excited about things), her DH thought they could hold off for a few years, and now they need a new kitchen.
Everything breaking at once is a nuisance.
The DH hasn’t done anything my DH wouldn’t have done, and I don’t feel like berating and gloating when I’m proved right. I might tease and have a little dig, but in a good-humoured fashion as we decide how on Earth to save money to get done whatever needed doing.

I find it shocking you don’t have a proper joint account. It’s irrelevant whether he’s working FT and you’re not. You’re supposed to be a team. Obviously large purchases need discussion, but the set-up you have sounds horrible, waiting for him to transfer money. You need a joint account and a separate account each where you can put birthday money, allowances whatever. All income should go into the joint account.

To answer the kitchen question, it sounds horrible, with things breaking and rotting and collapsing. That’s way beyond the time at which it needed replacing. I don’t know how you proceed with this because your DH sounds stingy and like he can’t think ahead. Personally, I wouldn’t let him research or organise it because he’ll probably cut corners to save money. I know it’s a pain to do it all again, but I would. I would then be quite firm with your DH and say it needs doing asap. As he sounds so stingy, I’d present a slightly more expensive option and hold back a slightly cheaper option, so that when he complains you’ll have that ready to show him. Let him think you want the slightly more expensive option and then he can ‘win’ by going for the cheaper option, which should be the one you want.

But mainly, sort your finances!

This is my entire life. It’s so embarrassing I’ve changed names.
Botch job after botch job. It’ll last a few more years etc
Why do we take any notice, why isn’t our opinion equally valid.
See pics below. We lived in that for 10 years bringing up 3 small children. We are now doing it all but only to sell.
Before anyone comments yes I can do diy and did the whole of upstairs, living and dining myself. Dh said he’d do kitchen and bathroom. He didn’t do either, not even ( in 10years) remove the previous owners disabled seat from the shower.

so….How did I get dh on board.
He came home from work and found a ‘for sale’ sign outside.

We don’t have a joint account @BreatheAndFocus. Never have in 24 years. It’s not necessary if nobody holds the purse strings.

This. I feel for you. It is so irritating to have all your work and ideas dismissed with a shrug and to feel that no one is listening to your well researched solutions to a problem which needs fixing.