Do you let your children have sleep overs with opposite sex?

[Maztek]

My Dd has a friend who I’m about 90% convinced is actually a little boy. They’re best friends and they play here all the time which is fine but they really want to plan a sleepover and I’m not sure. She’s never had a sleepover with a child of the opposite sex before and not sure if I’m just being overly cautious. They’re really sweet little kids and I’m sure all would be fine but I’m just feeling uneasy about it! They’re 9 for reference.

No 🙄
I text the parents of kids who come here and they text me when they’ve arrived home. Same as when my daughter goes out.

I thought you didn't know their parents?

I don’t!

"I don’t really know any of the parents of kids that come and go..... they just come and go as they please*
Come and go as they please but you have all their parents numbers and know who belongs to whom as you text every time one leaves. Right

Does child have a girl name or a boy name? How long have they been in school?

There’s thing called Pen and paper, when you can write thing like phone numbers and names on. I have numbers for parents incase anything happens and I need to get hold of anyone. Other parents have my number so they can text me when kids need to come home for tea etc. It’s really not a difficult concept. Was exactly the same 20 years ago when I was a kid going to my friends houses. My mum didn’t know any of my friends parents either!

It isn't. DS was mistaken for a girl at 14. Long hair but boys clothing.

So what sex is their name and how long have they been at your child's school?

I do find it depressing that kids of 9 can't have mixed sex sleepovers for fear the boys will abuse the girls. We don't even trust little boys any more.

Surely you're still walking them to and from school at 9?? That's what, year 4?

So having short/no hair is the only reason you think this child is a boy? Maybe the child has alopecia, or the hairstyle is for cultural reasons. My daughter had very short hair for a time, as per her choice. She was still a girl though.

It’s nothing about that. If my daughter found out that she had been sharing a bed with a boy or getting changed in front of one she would be very upset. She’s starting to become aware of her body and she is starting to develop signs of puberty.

@Maztek you could’ve asked the question about mixed sex sleepovers, without the detail of not knowing if child is not or girl. It’s just derailed your thread.

What was the point?

I think I would be okay with a mixed sex sleepover at that age. A bit strange for a boy to wants to be a girl (wearing a dress, girls name) to a shaved head though….how long have they been friends?

It’s quite a new friendship. So I don’t know much background. She’s lovely though and they seem to get along really well so I’m happy. Was just unsure about sleepovers. But I’m going to go with no. Plus I have a toddler who doesn’t sleep so just sounds like an nightmare all round ha!

No, but I don't allow sleepovers full stop at that age. I'm sure some may say I'm over protective but I have my reasons. Your situation is odd though. Surely your daughter knows if the friend is a boy or girl. It makes no sense.

So it’s a new best friend? That your DD would be upset if it turns out to be boy as she’s conscious of her body now….

Lets hope she gets another new best friend soon?

Why would she need a new best friend? She had lots of close friends who are boys she just doesn’t want to get undressed in front of them or be in the pyjamas around them. Which is completely reasonable.

It’s a new friend but a best friend, so it changes quite a bit I assume?

I didn't mean you specifically. Part of the issue here is clearly you're uncertain of the child's sex. I just mean in general from this thread. And of course every parent has the right to decide on what rules they have for their kid. No one should be made to make a decision they don't feel best protects their kid. I just find it sad that DS, who has mainly female friends, would be considered a threat in this kind of scenario.

Guessinf you’ve not met many 9 year olds…

Well then surely she won’t want them over for a sleepover if she isn’t sure it’s not a boy? So why did she ask for a sleepover?

They really don’t. It’s quite clear the difference between boys and girls.

Not at 9 it isn't. Really - there are no facial or vocal features that can distinguish boys from girls until puberty. Genuinely. They are identical.

My daughter isn’t unsure it’s me. She thinks friend is a girl. But at a sleepover in pyjamas etc if she realises that they’re a boy, it could cause her some upset. That’s what I’m trying to avoid. But the point is over now anyway I’ve decided not to do sleepovers.

Do they have to share a bed or change in front of each other? Surely if the child was a boy pretending to be a girl (though unlikely with a shaved head) then they would change in the bathroom?

It sounds like this is a girl who decided to shave her head, or had to for some reason, and other children are just being mean or are confused.

Yes I would allow my child of around that age mixed sleepovers if she wanted them.

She is informed (in an age appropriate way) about sex, physical boundaries etc and what is and isn't appropriate.

We speak very openly about such matters (again in an age appropriate way) so I believe she would tell me if anybody behaved inappropriately towards her.

Of course I cannot know this 100%. But unfortunately she is statistically much more likely to be at risk from an adult male who is known to her, than a friend her own age on a sleepover. I can't protect her 100% from risk even if I was with her all the time - women and girls can't rape proof their lives unfortunately (nor should the burden be on us to do so).

But I think the risks here are very small. If the worry is more about mutual bodily exploration, then if she wished to do this she would find an opportunity to do so regardless of whether I let a boy sleep in the house (sexual behaviours do not only happen at night) and it might happen with a female friend as easily - not all sexual curiousity is heterosexual!

So I'm focused more on educating her so that she doesn't make unsafe choices hopefully. It's not bullet proof - nothing is.

My mom allowed me mixed sex sleepovers and to be honest I am surprised most people are so anti it - I didn't realise it was generally frowned on so much!

As for the girl being a boy thing, that is a whole other show I don't want to get into - but it wouldn't impact on my sleepover decision either way.