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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared about raising a boy

105 replies

Worriedbythestateoftheworld · 21/06/2023 11:41

I've recently found out I'm having a baby boy. I already have 3 daughters and I was overjoyed when I found out (so not a gender disappointment thread). However I've found the excitement has warn off and I know feel scared of getting this right.

I'm a regular on mn (though name changed for this post) and day in day out there are hundreds of threads about horrible, abusive, lazy etc men hurting and ruining the lives of women. There are so many, I think, well they can't all have suffered terrible childhoods surely? And that's what scares me, how do I ensure I don't raise a boy to become another man who abuses and hurts women? I feel I'm a good parent, but even if I do everything I can 'right' is he still likely to become an abuser?

I feel so scared I'm going to get it wrong. Or no matter what I do, it'll still happen.

Does anybody else feel like this? I don't feel this way with my daughters - though do worry about the world they are growing up into, but not about them personally growing up to be abusive to others.

My husband isn't abusive, nor my brother, dad, grandad etc so I know good men are out there.

OP posts:
darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 11:41

If your husband isn't a dick you've got a good chance

inappropriateraspberry · 21/06/2023 11:42

You bring them up the same as your daughters. Teach them right from wrong, to love, respect and take responsibilities.
There are plenty of horrible women in the world as well!

Curiosity101 · 21/06/2023 11:43

I was about to say the same. If the male role models around him are good people then he'll likely be a good person.

3dogsandarabbit · 21/06/2023 11:45

What you have to remember is that people only post when they have a problem. If people were asked to post how kind and loving their husbands/partners were those posts would far outnumber the abusive ones.

BlackberrySky · 21/06/2023 11:45

You might find it good to take a break from news and social media and focus on the male role models around you. There will probably be lots of upstanding men - don't forget that the media and MN tend to report bad behaviour but not good.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 21/06/2023 11:46

Most men aren’t abusers, it’s just that women who are abused (rightly) want to talk about it so that’s why you see the threads and it skews your views against men.

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 11:47

@Worriedbythestateoftheworld I was very concerned about this too. I think it's something that, if you're in a heterosexual couple, you need to talk over with the baby's father. Remember that the relationship your son will base his future relationships on will be yours. His idea of what a man is will be first formed by his father. I can talk about this for Britain-and will if you let me. Can I just say-this thread will attract the "You're all man haters- women are just as bad" brigade. Try to ignore them. This is an important issue that needs to be discussed!

MedievalNun · 21/06/2023 11:48

From your last line it seems that your DS will have good role models. And that's it, really. As long as the men in his life (& your reaction to them) model good behaviour then you will have set him on the right course.

There will be things you can't control (friends, the internet etc) but as long as he's given a good grounding then you will have done your best.

Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

BoohooWoohoo · 21/06/2023 11:48

Agree with a pp that treating them exactly like your daughters will go along way. So no
"boys will be boys" or different rules/expectations because he is a boy.

pristinequeen · 21/06/2023 11:50

I always find men grow up to be relatively similar to their dad, some recognise they don't want to be like their dad if they aren't good people but on the whole if you have chosen a great dad for them I don't think you need to do anything different. I have 2 boys and plan on teaching them how to maintain a house and be a good person to everyone regardless of gender. I'd do the exact same with a girl.

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 11:50

And it's not that most men are abusers. It's that many men-even the good ones- behave, often without realising it, in ways that enable the bad ones to get away with it.

Remmy123 · 21/06/2023 11:53

I have a boy heavy family and they are not abusers.

I really don't understand the generalisation here. I also not sure why people get pregnant with a 50% chance it's the sex they don't want.

windowof · 21/06/2023 11:53

I worried about raising a boy for slightly different reasons but ultimately it boils down to what everyone else is saying- raise them the same way you raise a girl, give them good role models and be there for them so they can come to you with anything they need to.
My son is now 12 and I actually giggle at how worried I was- he's been so easy to raise so far and he's just an amazing boy! I'm so proud of everything he's accomplished and he gives the most incredible cuddles and has such wonderful empathy. He's amazing and I am so lucky to have such a fantastic boy to call my own.
I hasten to add my daughter is equally brilliant and incredible too!
Congratulations to you, your boy will be fine and you are about to know love like never before ❤️❤️

Rubyupbeat · 21/06/2023 11:53

Just bring him up like his sisters, to be kind and loving. It is not the majority of men that are abusers, women who have been abused will want to, quite rightly, talk about it, so if seems that way.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 21/06/2023 11:55

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 11:50

And it's not that most men are abusers. It's that many men-even the good ones- behave, often without realising it, in ways that enable the bad ones to get away with it.

Oh Christ. No. Just like you’re not responsible for Jenny down the road doing X, Y or Z, Bob isn’t responsible for Clive’s behaviour either.

NotDavidTennant · 21/06/2023 11:55

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 11:50

And it's not that most men are abusers. It's that many men-even the good ones- behave, often without realising it, in ways that enable the bad ones to get away with it.

But OP is specifically worried about bringing about a boy who will become an abuser.

GoldDuster · 21/06/2023 11:55

The fact you're even thinking about this means that you're more conscious than the mothers of the abusive men that you're worried about your son becoming.

Your DH models the behaviour towards you and his daughters and women in your DS's wider world that you want him to emulate. That's how you do it. Plus he's got an exellent mum, will have three older sisters and some good make role models.

The flip side is that you have a chance to make sure that you send a good man out into the world, try to focus on that instead of your fears. You sound like a great mum.

PushmePull · 21/06/2023 11:58

"even if I do everything I can 'right' is he still likely to become an abuser?"

This thinking is not rational or proportional. If you are genuinely thinking this I would suggest getting some counselling to work through it.

And remember half the children of all the thousands of parents who post on MN are boys.

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 11:58

Your view of men on Mumsnet will not be an accurate portrayal as people will usually be posting about problems and negative remarks as they need help and advice.

Posting about how wonderful some men are can receive comments about the op boasting or being smug or simply not holding any interest as people only want to read about the 'juicy' stuff!

I'm old and whilst I've met or known of a few stinkers, cads and bounders, the overwhelming majority of men are wonderful.

I'm sure your son will grow up fine.

Marblessolveeverything · 21/06/2023 12:06

As a mum of two boys I find I needed to up my knowledge on what was in their heads at key stages. Luckily I also have good men in my and their life.

I was not conscious of some comments made about boys - messy, rough, they like xyz, - nonsense so I call it out.

I am lucky that my sons are very articulate in their feelings so I could step up when needed.

I am very conscious that my 6ft teen looks very different to the outside world and that he needs to be conscious of things I wouldn't be. For example if a child falls in front of him he is hesitant to offer help, he does but he commented that his instinct was not to.

We have very open discussions about societal views and expectations placed on both sexes and the need to advocate for others.

And they both continue to be the most loving, huggable creatures on this planet. Who literally would do anything for their mum😁.

Mariposista · 21/06/2023 12:09

Remember, there are also some vile women out there, who don't give a hoot about their elderly parents, are horrible to their children, give their partners a hard time, and let's not start on how they treat their OH families...
OP you set your son the best possible example and he will turn out just fine.

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 12:09

@NotDavidTennant "But OP is specifically worried about bringing about a boy who will become an abuser."

The whole question about raising boys is much broader than that. I would be surprised if the OP wasn't interested in that broader context.

CurlewKate · 21/06/2023 12:11

"Remember, there are also some vile women out there, who don't give a hoot about their elderly parents, are horrible to their children, give their partners a hard time, and let's not start on how they treat their OH families..."

Agreed. But women are not responsible for over 90% of all violent crime.....

inappropriateraspberry · 21/06/2023 12:13

You do your best raising your children, whatever the sex they are. Ultimately though, you have no control over what they will be like as an adult - no matter what you do!