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Original poster

Husband complains of messy house

102 replies

Cantwaittilbedtime · 19/06/2023 23:36

Hiya..new here so be kind!!
With my husband for 6 years...he doesn't work as he has a disability which can flare and go into periods of remission...also suffers from a depression type of illness..
Our life together generally good,we have 2 kids and I work part time... he complains constantly that he can never find anything he's looking for,complains I never tidy up after myself, works himself into a foul mood and no matter what I say....as In I haven't had time,was just about to sort that etc...he completely shuts down and says he's not interested in excuses!!! Now I'm no pushover and I stick up for myself....I do the majority of things In the house...but I cannot track down every sock,toothpaste lid etc while lookin after our kids and working.. he does little to nothin in the house...he minds the kids when I'm working but needs a rest the moment I come home....am I unreasonable in thinking if he does fuck all In the house to help,that he shouldn't complain when he can't find his favourite pen...and the vast amount of shite that he leaves everywhere may go missing from time to time without it being My fault??

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 19/06/2023 23:42

Does he contribute to the mess or does he put his own stuff away?

(Btw that doesn't matter. They are his kids too so he needs to clear up their mess as well) . I'm disabled and in pain and I still do it.

Icanflyhigh · 19/06/2023 23:42

YANBU

Aside from his disability and illness, why doesn't he do stuff around the house.

Have his hands been cut off?

Sounds like he's a lazy arse used to being waited on.

Who would clear his shit up.if you weren't there, but equally who would he moan at if you weren't there?

Whenwillitallmakesense · 19/06/2023 23:43

Well, you already know its not your fault. If you allow him to get away with not helping around the house when he is capable of doing so, then you just tell him the pen or sock or whatever is wherever he left it last.

Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 19/06/2023 23:50

No he does nothing in the house...he says I should ask him if I need help but when I do he storms about...lecturing me on how to load dishwasher properly etc... I very kindly say,stick dishwasher on or a load of washing if u see it needs doing....but he never does! I could look past it if he was a neat freak and I was making a mess after he has cleaned...but I'm not! Yea I'm a bit slap dash at times, crumbs on chopping board etc...but I'm not leaving it there forever....I'm goin to clean it as soon as I get the chance...I never go to bed and leave downstairs untidy and always make sure uniforms etc sitting ready for the morning! Just feel like he's trying to bully me sometimes 😔

OP posts:
pastypirate · 19/06/2023 23:53

Does he do anything? What is the point of him?

NoSquirrels · 19/06/2023 23:53

Tell him he’s now in charge of ALL domestic tasks. As you have to work, it’s only fair he’s in charge of the household.

Tell him if he’d like you to ‘help’, he only has to ask…

londonmummy1966 · 19/06/2023 23:55

NoSquirrels · 19/06/2023 23:53

Tell him he’s now in charge of ALL domestic tasks. As you have to work, it’s only fair he’s in charge of the household.

Tell him if he’d like you to ‘help’, he only has to ask…

This

My favourite phrase is "feel free" - this is messy - "feel free to tidy it up". Where's my pen "feel free to look for it" etc etc

blackcurrantsausage · 19/06/2023 23:55

Icanflyhigh · 19/06/2023 23:42

YANBU

Aside from his disability and illness, why doesn't he do stuff around the house.

Have his hands been cut off?

Sounds like he's a lazy arse used to being waited on.

Who would clear his shit up.if you weren't there, but equally who would he moan at if you weren't there?

This. My boyfriends brother lost his leg in a motorbike accident and spent months in recovery. He is an amputee and had to learn how to walk all over again. Even throughout this, he cleaned (scooting around in his wheelchair with a cloth and disinfectant in hand) and took care of his newborn baby. He should be walking (excuse the pun) of how a disability does not prevent you from being able to clean and parent.

Of course, if your partner was paralysed and his limbs weren’t functioning then that would be different. But, is this the case?

People with depression often take their own troubles out on others and that seems to be the case here. He’s depressed with his life and finding small issues to take out on you. Is he really the kind of person you want to be with? Is he willing to go to therapy and try help his depression? What is he doing to help himself? If he can’t help himself, then how can he support you and your children?

It’s not a healthy environment for you or your kids to be in and I wouldn’t be able to stick it personally so fair play to you. You’re a lot stronger and tolerable than you give yourself credit for. Maybe look into the Freedom Programme and have some space. No one deserves to be spoken to like shite!

Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 19/06/2023 23:56

We have a good relationship other than this... but when he gets all weird...happens every month or so...I do wonder what the point of him is....he minds our kids and gives me lifts to work...that's about it...

OP posts:
Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 19/06/2023 23:56

Does his disability affect his mobility so that he's unable to help much keeping on top of the house work ? If so, I wonder if outside help such as a cleaner once a week would help the situation. Is he getting angry that's he's not able to contribute? Although that doesn't excuse him directing that anger towards you.

If it doesn't affect him that way, I'd tell him to eff off and if he wants a tidier house , he's more than welcome to tidy it !

KidneyWarrior · 20/06/2023 00:02

If he doesn't like the mess, he should clean. Disability is no excuse, I say this as someone with a serious health condition myself. He needs to be pulling his weight unless he's paralysed from the neck down.

AnyFucker · 20/06/2023 00:05

Tell him to shut the fuck up

Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:05

No he has crohns disease and a shit load of mental baggage/depression..
There's nothing he can't physically do when he's in remission...like I don't even care that much if he could just sit in 1 room and amuse the kids while I clean/tidy...but he can't even do that....my 5 Yr old has ASD and he struggles to have patience to play with him...our son screeches at times but as soon as that happens he's away for a smoke as his ears are sore from the noise...and iv to drop whatever I'm doing and take over entertaining kids ...so I get little chances to get anything actually finished until everyone in bed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:06

AnyFucker · 20/06/2023 00:05

Tell him to shut the fuck up

Thats my favourite phrase,he never does tho!

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/06/2023 00:08

Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:05

No he has crohns disease and a shit load of mental baggage/depression..
There's nothing he can't physically do when he's in remission...like I don't even care that much if he could just sit in 1 room and amuse the kids while I clean/tidy...but he can't even do that....my 5 Yr old has ASD and he struggles to have patience to play with him...our son screeches at times but as soon as that happens he's away for a smoke as his ears are sore from the noise...and iv to drop whatever I'm doing and take over entertaining kids ...so I get little chances to get anything actually finished until everyone in bed!

He has Crohn's disease and smokes?? WTF. Hardly helping his condition.

Tell him if he wants a tidier house he can fuck off and live by himself, otherwise stop trying to make you as miserable as he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2023 00:09

He's playing you for an absolute fool.

Lucy377 · 20/06/2023 00:10

I'd start addressing how he's speaking to you, and the context of that, rather than the content of what's lost/not done properly/etc.

So say things like 'it sounds like you think I've done something wrong'. Instead of saying 'I didn't move your glasses anywhere' for example.

Or 'you sound angry and your voice is raised and your face is really cross. Maybe we'll discuss it when you are calmer'.

Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:21

Lucy377
Il will definitely try this the next time... I end up losing my temper and shouting...then it's all..."you always react badly...."
" you're so angry,I can't say anything"
He's twisting it round to make me out to be in the wrong....
I can't help but lose my shit sometimes, when he starts this it's like a red rag to a bull with me... I find it very triggering as he had a breakdown after both kids were born ...the first was the worst...and when he speaks to me like that it takes me straight back to that awful time in my life.

OP posts:
magma32 · 20/06/2023 00:22

Oh this is male privilege isn’t it because I know plenty of women with worse chronic conditions and ‘mental baggage’ who manage to get on with things. I’m struggling right now for various reasons and while my Dh picks up the slack as he knows it’s difficult for me right now, I will no way take the piss and make demands, I will still do a decent amount. And vice versa. You do sound like a bit of a push over tbh because I would’ve nipped it in the bud straight away. Do it now before he drags you down with him. E.g if he’s losing patience with the kids tell him to do the cleaning/cooking/whatever and you entertain the kids. Whatever he ‘can’t’ do make sure it gets replaced by an alternative, don’t let him just get away with doing nothing. It’s worrying that you say he ‘minds’ the kids, so he’s not actually being a proper father? I just couldn’t/wouldn’t put up with that.

magma32 · 20/06/2023 00:24

Sorry OP just read your update. Sounds abit gaslighty/emotionally abusive.

Mmhmmn · 20/06/2023 00:28

Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:21

Lucy377
Il will definitely try this the next time... I end up losing my temper and shouting...then it's all..."you always react badly...."
" you're so angry,I can't say anything"
He's twisting it round to make me out to be in the wrong....
I can't help but lose my shit sometimes, when he starts this it's like a red rag to a bull with me... I find it very triggering as he had a breakdown after both kids were born ...the first was the worst...and when he speaks to me like that it takes me straight back to that awful time in my life.

But with the 'benefit' of another 5 years' hindsight you'll look back on this current time and realise his behaviour towards you is just as bad as it ever was. He needs a short sharp shock. You deserve better treatment than what you've described.
Men with depression. They don't just get to treat their partners like shit because they feel bad and have their head up their own arse all the time.
What about how you feel??

Original poster
Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:34

Yea when he's not "well" he tends to go into that emotionally abusive way.
I pull him up on it, I told him tonight he has the makings of an abuser and I won't stand for it... but it's hard...I'm always fighting my corner and my kids...
I did get dragged down by it all after I had my first child and it was hell on earth...but I pulled myself up and got him help that he needed also. ..but he tends to slip back into his old ways at times.

OP posts:
magma32 · 20/06/2023 00:40

Cantwaittilbedtime · 20/06/2023 00:34

Yea when he's not "well" he tends to go into that emotionally abusive way.
I pull him up on it, I told him tonight he has the makings of an abuser and I won't stand for it... but it's hard...I'm always fighting my corner and my kids...
I did get dragged down by it all after I had my first child and it was hell on earth...but I pulled myself up and got him help that he needed also. ..but he tends to slip back into his old ways at times.

Sorry that sounds tough. It’s interesting that he seems to have breakdowns after each child yet you, with all the postnatal hormones manages to keep things together. I bet when you say he sounds abusive he somehow manages to turn it on to you, and say you’re the abusive one by raising your voice? Textbook behaviour. Sounds like you had to mask your own struggles of being a new mum to support him. I would say try marriage counselling first, I bet he wouldn’t be up for it, I would give him respect for wanting to fix himself but not if he thinks he’s the perfect one and you’re the problem. If he refuses marriage counselling, you should go by yourself and reflect on if you want this for the rest of your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2023 00:44

It's very sad that you're forcing your kids to live in such a dysfunctional environment. This isn't healthy for anyone.

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 00:45

YANBU and he definitely is BU but on a separate note i wonder if he feels like a spare part and is taking it out on you. There are definitely people with Crohms who work. Perhaps if he was working at least part time he would feel a bit more empowered and less likely to nitpick over minor things. This low level grumbling that some people do is often related to dissatisfaction in life. He sees it as a way to wield some power unfortunately. You definitely shouldn’t stand for it though. Part of the issue could be you’ve unwittingly enabled him but he shouldn’t be at home not doing anything if you are out working. He should be doing the majority of the housework if anything.