Husband complains of messy house

[Cantwaittilbedtime]

Hiya..new here so be kind!!
With my husband for 6 years...he doesn't work as he has a disability which can flare and go into periods of remission...also suffers from a depression type of illness..
Our life together generally good,we have 2 kids and I work part time... he complains constantly that he can never find anything he's looking for,complains I never tidy up after myself, works himself into a foul mood and no matter what I say....as In I haven't had time,was just about to sort that etc...he completely shuts down and says he's not interested in excuses!!! Now I'm no pushover and I stick up for myself....I do the majority of things In the house...but I cannot track down every sock,toothpaste lid etc while lookin after our kids and working.. he does little to nothin in the house...he minds the kids when I'm working but needs a rest the moment I come home....am I unreasonable in thinking if he does fuck all In the house to help,that he shouldn't complain when he can't find his favourite pen...and the vast amount of shite that he leaves everywhere may go missing from time to time without it being My fault??

He’s not bringing much to the party is he? Yabu to say you’re not a doormat when you’ve been acting like one by staying with him all this time. Why stay with him? He’s not contributing anything, he’s not nice to you.

Thanks do much for all your posts and insights..
Iv had a long night to think about this all - up with our baby ...myself!!
It's not even his crohns that holds him back its whatever Is going on with him mentally...as much as I'm alot more assertive and don't tolerate his complaints and criticisms any more...I obviously do let him off with a lot still and it's gonna change..
We have some time to ourselves after an appointment today so I'll be sorting alot out then..
As for his crohns...he has been through the wars with it and iv been scared a few times as he's had sepsis and needed emergency surgery in the past.
But I can't tiptoe around his attitude and behaviour any longer

I don't believe I'm a doormat...but yea I see he's definitely taking the piss...
Like I do love him...(when he's not mentally unwell) hes a funny loving kind man.
He's had a shit childhood,shit life and its made him this way....I used to tolerate it all in the early days...but it actually made him worse! The more I done to please him..he actually got angrier!!
Like this isn't the worst hes behaved, I could fill the Internet with his shit! Iv just grown accustomed to so much of it...I think I ignore alot now, avoid situations that trigger him and then finally lose my shit with him...

You don't have to stay with someone if you don't want to - particularly when they don't respect you and add little to your life.

It doesn't matter how many issues or problems the other person has. You are not a support human being and it's not your job to 'fix' their problems for them. Relationships are voluntary and it's enough to leave that you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, if that's the case - you don't actually need to justify it.

But his actions and verbal abuse towards you ,do not demonstrate that he loves you
i have read the full thread
imho, Your flogging a dead horse
for sake of the mental health of the children ( as u clearly don’t value your own ) you do need to LTB

Whilst his childhood issues may contribute to his behaviour, this is not your issue to fix or put up with. You don't owe him anything due to this. You only get one life. Don't sacrifice it all for his needs

@Cantwaittilbedtime massive squishes.

many of us have shit histories or childhoods. Many of us have illnesses and depression. Doesn’t mean we can be raging arseholes.
doesn’t mean we don’t try to help ourselves.

how ‘properly’ is he managing his crohns to reduce flare ups? Because frankly - smoking etc is not recommended and can worsen the disease.

has he ever consistently looked for help with his mental health?

what’s he doing to make his family better. What does he bring to the relationship the majority of the time (like 78% or more of the time).

If he disappeared poof (like he never existed) what would life look like. What would the atmosphere be like at home. What would you and the kids get up to. What would you do differently at home and with the kids.

imagine him staying as he is. 20 years time. He’s just got grumpier. Kids left home. You come home to him every day.

40 years time. You’re retired. You are together 24/7.

hows that make you feel?

You are being a little bit of a doormat by letting this behaviour continue. You keep trying to reassure us (or yourself) that he can be a wonderful a father/partner. But he isn’t. He does bare minimum. His moods will
stray to influence the children soon.

He doesn’t work because he has Crohn’s !!! WTAF

Im really sorry but he is playing you and the system.

Yes, it is a horrific condition and trust me, I know! It is his mind set that is preventing him from working not Crohn’s.

Does he still have his bowel, his small intestine, his large intestine?

I would probably tell him this to his face..

I think his retort would be eye opening.

Normally when my partner starts taking the piss I write an essay highlighting key points and using examples as evidence 😂 he pulls his socks up for a bit when he gets slack I do another like a performance review 😂😂

He is hiding behind his illness and mental issues, using them as an excuse, and you are enabling this.
If he did more and participated in the family more, it would probably help him feel better about himself - BUT I fear it has gone on for too long and he won't/can't change. It sounds like you all have to tiptoe around him and pander to him. Leave him and give your family the life they deserve.

I could fill the Internet with his shit!

does he have a stoma bag? Just get him to fill that and empty it himself!

I'd tell him, if your that worried about it, pay for a cleaner or do it yourself, you do nothing else all day, it will give you something to do. X

You are a doormat, Op.

My friend has one of those and works full time, used to be in the office as well but now works from home.

Reading Mumsnet I really don’t understand why so many women let their partners get away with doing so little. It’s baffling to me. And then they complain when they’ve enabled /allowed the laziness?

Fuck me. I’ve got crohns, hold down a 80% job, do all childcare/petcare/housework and do all the mental lifting too.

Even when I’m in full on flare I still do it (unless hospitalised).

he’s taking the piss mightily.

I think you're confusing mental illness and being an abusive arsehole OP

Plenty of people are depressed and angry about their shit childhood and long term illness and manage not to take it out on their family and others. Being so shit when you were pregnant that you had to ban him from appointments was your sign to get out and get your children away from this absolute shit show of a relationship.

In any case it doesn't really matter why he is like this, the fact is that he is like this, and you are actively choosing to show your children that this is what a relationship is like. Their entire understanding of a relationship is that a man orders a woman about and she does it.

You can say it's not going to happen any more but there is nothing that you can do to actually make him a nice person and to treat you with respect

Just leave.

What exactly does he do all day?
Plenty of people with Chrohns manage to work. He’s just a lazy waste of space.

It’s not good enough that he’s sometimes funny and loving when you have to deal with the other side to him.

To use a classic MN phrase, would you eat a delicious sandwich if it only had a tiny bit of shit in it? You wouldn’t because even a tiny bit of shit is too much shit. In this case, your sandwich has a lot more shit than it has healthy, tasty, organic filling.

It’s never nice to be told that we’re being a doormat and it’s even harder to accept it because we all want to think we’re acting in our best interests. But you are being a doormat and the indicator is that your current dynamic has been going on for so long. You are very obviously a strong, caring woman and you have a lot of resilience (perhaps more than is good) to have put up with your DH’s behaviour but you deserve a partner who tries much much harder at actively participating in your family and, at the very least, showing gratitude for what you do.

He’s a cheeky fucker OP. He suffers from intermittent bad health but is permanently fucking useless. The maths doesn’t add up!

There must be something good about him because he was showing negative behaviour when you had one child and whilst you haven't said how many you have it's clearly more than one? So what are his positive traits? What keeps you together or are you afraid of being single?

I think you need to leave him. Someone like him cannot be saved, he's always going to be in some kind of shitty spiral and that will drag him down unless he pulls himself up and out. Many people have chronic health conditions yet can still be pleasant to their partner or contribute to family life in some way.

By staying with him you do yourself and your children a disservice.

I wouldn’t be trying marriage counselling, I’d be trying divorce. What kind of barrel did you scrape this one from? What a useless waste of space

This should be engraved on a plaque and given to girls at 17!

It sounds like he uses his conditions as an excuse to do nothing and treat you poorly. He’s an abuser.

I don’t doubt that there are good times. There has to be because he has to ensure he keeps you on side. So he’ll behave a little every now and then, give you a nugget of hope to think you’re now on the right track before he snatches it away again. Rinse, repeat.

Lots of people have depression and other health conditions. They don’t laze about, take it out on their loved ones and other people.

I dated a guy once who had a sister with MH issues. She was abusive to her parents to the point where she kicked her dad in the face. At his mams birthday meal, she ruined it because it didn’t revolve around her and had her mam in tears. Every time she’d act up it would brushed under the carpet and excused with “she has MH issues.”

she was an adult. And when things were going her way, she’d be happy as Larry. She absolutely used it as a cover to treat people how she wanted to.

my point is that MH issues are serious and they can impact on how people interact with others absolutely- but they’re not an excuse for abusive treatment.

He knows how he’s treating you is wrong and he doesn’t care. If he cared he’d stop. He’s playing helpless because he knows you’ll do it all for him. He’ll play on his conditions and make you responsible for him.

This isn’t an example to set for your children.

He’s not “trying to bully you”. He is bullying you.

The sole point of a relationship is that it's meant to be fun, it should enhance your life. You're making your poor kids live with a misogynist who abuses their mother. Focus on ridding yourself of this shit bloke, stop making up excuses for him and analysing him.