Husband complains of messy house

[Cantwaittilbedtime]

Hiya..new here so be kind!!
With my husband for 6 years...he doesn't work as he has a disability which can flare and go into periods of remission...also suffers from a depression type of illness..
Our life together generally good,we have 2 kids and I work part time... he complains constantly that he can never find anything he's looking for,complains I never tidy up after myself, works himself into a foul mood and no matter what I say....as In I haven't had time,was just about to sort that etc...he completely shuts down and says he's not interested in excuses!!! Now I'm no pushover and I stick up for myself....I do the majority of things In the house...but I cannot track down every sock,toothpaste lid etc while lookin after our kids and working.. he does little to nothin in the house...he minds the kids when I'm working but needs a rest the moment I come home....am I unreasonable in thinking if he does fuck all In the house to help,that he shouldn't complain when he can't find his favourite pen...and the vast amount of shite that he leaves everywhere may go missing from time to time without it being My fault??

He’s a lazy, arrogant, entitled misogynist and he’s teaching your kids that this is what relationships look like, this is how men treat women. I don’t understand why you’re still with him, he’s an anchor around your neck. Yes I’m sure you love him for some reason I can’t fathom, but relationships take more than love to work, they need respect, kindness, empathy, loyalty etc.

He is an abusive, misogynistic, stupid, unbelievably lazy cunt.

And I’m sorry, but he has Crohns. A horrible condition sure, but not a reason not to work or do anything at home, and certainly not a reason to be abusive to you and his children.

I can’t get past this nugget:

Any experience in hospitals with my pregnancy scans etc he was difficult and argumentative with the nurses

He’s so threatened and pathetic it’s unreal.

You need to think of your children and bin him. They're suffering. He's awful.

I think you're confusing mental illness and being an abusive arsehole
I agree with this, he's a dickhead and you deserve better!

Yeah I also have chrons and struggle daily with my mental health.
But I have 2 kids, work part time, cook, clean, exercise....

He's taking you for a fool.

Why haven’t you told him to get off his lazy arse and get a job? There are plenty of working from home jobs these days. Why can’t he do that?

Now imagine your life without all of his shite. Kids a little older and at school full time, you perhaps working full time, him having the kids part time. No grumpy, abusive man in the house. I'd aim for that. You don't have to live with that shite.

I agree with Hoary.

I hope your talk with him goes well. He needs better antidepressants and to get his finger out.

There’s plenty worse than him that contribute more to the world.

If he doesn’t change make plans to leave him. I’d suggest you give him a taste of 50/50 custody in the meantime by spending the weekend at your mothers or something and leaving the kids with him (during his good health spell obv). That may encourage him to get his finger out as childcare is hard work and he’s a lazy b. Perhaps it may make him see what an alternative future without you could be like.

Hmmm your not his mum so sorry I wouldn't be staying in this relationship be far happier alone and a better environment for the kids

Try telling him you are not happy and you would like him to move out. That may shock him into behaving like a decent human being.

The nice/nasty behaviour is classic behaviour of someone abusive. You think the 'real him' is nice and you're always trying to get back to this point whereas the 'real him' is actually abusive and mysoginistic. He's on to a good thing with you, but you and the children are not onto a good thing with him.

Completely this.

lots of people stay with abusive people like this for this very reason. They falsely believe that the person they fell in love with that was funny, loving, kind and charming is the real them.

The nasty side is either caused by the partner, MH issues, substance abuse etc but it’s not the real them.

Well it is the real them. Its the nice stuff that’s the cover.

He's a lazy arse, people with Crohn's still do stuff not sit there minding the kids as long as they are quiet why are you putting up with this?

I think you need to be more direct! Give him chores to do, If he doesn't do them you have a very good reason to chuck him the fuck out!!

Thanks everyone for your advice! Have definitely had my eyes opened by hearing your opinions!
A massive conversation has been had...and the expected " why are u picking a fight?"
"This is some start to the day" and then the fucking sneer and fake laugh..."I'm not cleaning up after you"
He's been told....in no uncertain terms what way things are changing....and his face when I said if u don't know how to give a sink a wipe with a cloth when the kids have toothpaste on it ...then he will fuckin know when he's to do it all himself...when he's in his own place!
Answers to questions asked..we have 2 kids
He doesn't work cos he would literally shit himself when he's having a bad day ...like with no warning...his crohns Is not controlled, he has had an illestomy bag but since been reversed causing the incontinence...we are awaiting further surgery...
Why I'm with him? What he brings to my life? I honestly don't know,he used to make me happy but iv been worn down... for the sake of the kids...who adore their dad and in the hope he can make Me happy again,he is gettin a last chance to shape up and I'm pretty sure he realises what he's gonna lose if he doesn't...

I'd start planning your exit now - don't wait for him to sort himself out.

IF he pulls his finger out, you can always halt that process but honestly, I suspect if you do you'll be back wher eyou are now in a few months/year.

If you don't start the process to leave, he will never believe you'll do it!

Kids will still see him if you leave him, if he wants to and they want to, so thats no reason not to do it!

Good update op. To be fair to your dh, with those particular health issues and symptoms, I would be very depressed too. And he can’t help the fact that his surgery has been delayed. Is he doing everything he can to get the surgery though; is he in touch with his consultant’s secretary for example? Does his gp know how these symptoms are impacting his life? Has he informed them they are worsening and he can’t work because of them?

Having said that, the sneer and the fake laugh would have me heading for the door. How dare he sneer when you are the one holding everything together? Reading that makes me feel very angry on your behalf.

He obviously feels very badly inside himself if putting you down makes him feel better. You do not have to tolerate it. Perhaps give yourself a private deadline that if nothing has changed significantly within three months then you will leave? He needs to know that you are not there to serve as his kicking ball. Good luck op. I hope things work out for you.

Why do you think this is all you and more importantly, your children, are worth? What do you think they are learning watching you running around whilst their lazy fucker father does nothing? He doesn't even work! Why have you enabled this?
How can you even look at him after how he behaved after the births of your children? It's tragic that you live like this but it makes me so angry that you allow this for your children. They will grow up and repeat the cycle, dad does fuck all, mum does everything and takes shit off dad while doing it. I dont know about you but I want more for my children than that.

He needs a fright OP.

Start planning your exit, you can always abandon any plans if he shapes up but he needs to see that you find this behaviour and attitude from him entirely unacceptable and that you are not one bit fearful of a life that doesn't have him in it because you've had enough.

So for the next couple of weeks, make him aware you are looking at the logisitcs of separating and he will know what he needs to do to stop the process. You've told him often enough after all.

Maybe the idea of having a random carer come to a flat to help him with his medical needs rather than you doing it might soften his bark.

Why can’t he work from home? I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re still making excuses for him.

How ungrateful of him to be shouting at you when he does nothing to keep the house clean and in order. You don’t need to have this stress so do find out about leaving him and making a nice calm life for you and the kids. He can move into assisted housing.

Treating you like shit doesn't change his health situation. He's got to accept that this is his body now. He needs to make it work to have the best quality of life he can. He is the one who needs to do this, he needs to help himself and stop being abusive. If you are able, record him speaking to you like shit and play it back to him. If he's not mortified he's not going to change. My ex came home from work one day and said he overheard a customer speaking to his wife like shit and he said he realised that's how he spoke to me and was embarrassed. Didn't last long lol he didn't change. Your Husband is wallowing in self pity, and while I can understand why, he needs to grow up. I've lost a huge part of my life and lifestyle due to my disabilities in the last few years, it's like a bereavement. I have never taken my frustrations out on my DH.

Hurray for your mother!! 🌹

I hope you mean it. He really is taking the piss big style.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. Yes crohns is a difficult disease to cope with but for goodness sake you have so been played by a gaslighter. He is doing nothing to help himself, if he allows himself to get so bad he gets sepsis and waists the NHS time he is a stupid person. Doesn’t work in case he shits himself? Is he on benefits? How the heck has he got away with this? And he smokes how does he afford this.

I was diagnosed in my 30s and worked and brought up my son single handed.
I had a dreadful childhood, violent father and never thought to feel sorry for myself. Tell you useless man to wear pads and get himself a job. Thats what most people with cronhs do.