Husband complains of messy house

[Cantwaittilbedtime]

Hiya..new here so be kind!!
With my husband for 6 years...he doesn't work as he has a disability which can flare and go into periods of remission...also suffers from a depression type of illness..
Our life together generally good,we have 2 kids and I work part time... he complains constantly that he can never find anything he's looking for,complains I never tidy up after myself, works himself into a foul mood and no matter what I say....as In I haven't had time,was just about to sort that etc...he completely shuts down and says he's not interested in excuses!!! Now I'm no pushover and I stick up for myself....I do the majority of things In the house...but I cannot track down every sock,toothpaste lid etc while lookin after our kids and working.. he does little to nothin in the house...he minds the kids when I'm working but needs a rest the moment I come home....am I unreasonable in thinking if he does fuck all In the house to help,that he shouldn't complain when he can't find his favourite pen...and the vast amount of shite that he leaves everywhere may go missing from time to time without it being My fault??

magma32
Thanks for that...yes I will try marriage counselling ..although he tends to try and be superior in situations like that...and he would take to being "shut down" by a counsellor on his own...I don't think he would if I was with him...
Any experience in hospitals with my pregnancy scans etc he was difficult and argumentative with the nurses, I dread to think what way he would behave just!

It sounds like there is no room for anyone else's needs in this family.

OP, what is the point of him? He doesn't work. Doesn't clean. Doesn't offer you emotional support or even gratitude for the load you carry due to him.

What is he doing about his depression? Everything in his power to get better? Or is it just another excuse to do nothing and get away with it.

You can leave him. You don't need to live like this

I think you should suggest he leaves for a week to think about things. Tell him that the house will be tidier without him and you will be happier without being yelled at by a man who doesn’t do anything to help. Say loudly and clearly there will not be many more chances. Take a week, think about it, and I’ll think about if I want you back after that.
i think you will be much happier! You’ve done all you can for him, time to put on your own oxygen mask for your and your childrens sake and I think the way to do that is to get rid of him.

I live with same kind of person, so solidarity, OP. Not so much tidiness but other stupid criticisms. These helpless males attach themselves like limpets to resilient, capable, overly tolerant and understanding women as many others would give them short shrift. Every so often it's vital to remind them of what they actually have in you because they can't appreciate it themselves with head constantly up own arse.

Mmhmmn
Thank you,for ur kind words x

YANBU op at all.

I think this could be about his depression and frustration speaking. He feels bad and inadequate within himself and he’s taking it out on you and it’s not acceptable. I think you may need to start setting a boundary here as it will spiral and get worse otherwise. And then resentment will set in which frankly is a marriage killer.

It’s hard to tell from your op if you think he should do more? Is he physically capable of doing more?
If so would it be possible for him to take on some pt work from home?

Also, is he doing everything he can in terms of healthy eating, sleeping and exercising (and giving up smoking!) to help his physical and mh? He owes it you and the dc to at least try. I know it’s not easy if you are depressed.

But the fact that he was an arse to the nurses in the maternity ward implies that this is not all about his illnesses either. Sorry but who does that?

And I couldn’t accept the lecturing personally.

Could you write down every single thing that you do in the house over a month and then give him control and reponsibility over very specific tasks eg bins, floors, laundry, meal planning and online grocery ordering? It doesn’t matter what it is as long as they are easy to identify as his tasks so it’s apparent when he has and hasn’t done them. And then agree that he has to speak up immediately if his Chrohns prevents him from doing something. And speak up again when the attack is over. So there’s more clarity about who is doing what? Would that help?

It’s a hard situation you are in op and things can’t carry in the way they are or you will burn out. Please speak to him and be assertive.

This.

Why are you with him?

He really doesn’t sound nice OP. Would he yell at men like that or just women. I would ‘hear’ men like that through the curtains when I’ve been on postnatal ward. They normally say you should not do counselling with abusive partners as they will manipulate the whole thing and use things against you. He sounds like a misogynist now. There are lots of women trapped with men because of finances but he doesn’t even bring money to the table so at least you have choices. Remember that kids witnessing or hearing arguments is a safeguarding matter as it’s emotional abuse towards them too so think carefully about the effect this is having on you all, especially if he refuses to sort himself out. If you are ever worried or scared give women’s aid a call.

He's a Lazy bastard

Hoaryragwort- thank u,u made alot of valid points..
Yes he could certainly do more,I wouldn't expect him to do anything when he's unwell but he's going through a 70/30 spell of feeling better ...I think he's gotten so used to doing nothin when he's sick he just doesn't bother when he's well as it all gets done regardless!
I agree there is alot of frustration and feelings of inadequacy stemming from being unable to work... but it's the fact he takes it out on me!!! Or worse the kids!! ( he would try to...but it's not happening)
And Yea..he was a complete dick to everyone involved in my first pregnancy and just 2 In my second...( I barred him from attending appointments afterwards) like he seems to get inferiority complex...mostly around women in charge...and iv just realised it this second!!! Wtaf?? Can that be a thing??

QueenBitch666
😆

magma32
I know what you are saying but can u switch mysognism on and off? He not constantly like that...and he's not constantly behaving like this.. something definitely clicks in him at times..and its so obvious to me when it happens,like he changes infront of my eyes!! If I catch him quick I can sort of snap him out of it at times
Maybe hes alot more unwell than I thought?

The only way you will know is if he takes himself to the GP for a referral. I can’t help but think anyone who refuses to get better or seek help actually prefers how they are, how they make you feel, the superiority they feel over women people. There are some nasty men in my community, who have sent their wives into deep depression but guess what, women get no sympathy but the moment a man says he’s depressed, someone will try to blame the woman for causing it. But I digress, that’s probably where my ‘bias’ or hypersensitivity comes from. There are no excuses for not seeking help, mental health esp for men is talked about loads. Imagine if you had PND and you refused to seek help, imagine you were acting like him, would he stay with you?

This reminds me of the day my father took my mother into the bedroom, lifted up the bedspread and showed her some dust bunnies.

My mother responded by taking him into the kitchen and showing him where the broom was kept.

I have to wonder if perhaps he has a bit of bipolar disorder going on, especially as (although it seems counterintuitive) anger can be a symptom of depression. Perhaps something to have checked? Be a pity to have to live like this (for BOTH of you) if the right meds would make a huge change in his life. Just something to consider. I know several people who suffer from Chrone's, and nearly half of them have bipolar disorder to some degree.

YABU for still being with him - or being with him in the first place if he's always been like this.

If a dog only bit you sometimes, would you still keep it in your home?

What is the fucking point of this man? Even if you hired a babysitter for when you work part time, that did no housekeeping, they'd leave at the end of the day and not give you shit? Seriously, what's the point of this relationship?

The major point I would like you to think about is this: "Will you be happy if your children end up with people that are abusive as long as it's only 'sometimes', as long as they are 'nice' other times?"
This is what you are teaching your children. They are learning what "works", so they will either go for the same type or they will end up that type.
Your NVDH sounds like someone who enjoys being a "victim" of his illnesses.
JMHO

So he doesn't work, doesn't look after his own children and doesn't clean/tidy up after himself or anyone else. What the hell does he bro g to the family and your relationship because it seems like you and the children would be better off without him dragging you down.

I have CD and it is very different for different people but I've noticed from the support groups that men tend to be much more angry and resentful about it and get tons of support from their partners.

Whereas the women tend to accept it and appreciate the health they do have when they have it, and are much more likely to get on with it, and be left by their partners or leave due to a lack of support. Many end up being single parents working full time with a disability.

This is fuck all to do with his disability and everything to do with him being a lazy entitled cock-lodger!

I have heart failure - which means I struggle to lift my arms, some days typing is hard and I am a good and fast touch typer, just to give you an indication of how badly affected I can be...

I use a power chair due to Ehlers Danlos and the heart failure and spinal stenosis and my house is not very accessible at all...

And yet - if the laundry is all downstairs in the basket, I'll load up the washer, move it from washer to dryer (they're opposite each other so I can do this), take it out the dryer and fold on the worktop.

If the worktop is clear of stuff, I can wipe it down, do the cupboard fronts and fronts of the appliances (not quite to floor level though I got a short little moppy thing for that but its not the best job!).

Sweep and mop the floors, hoover if someone plugs it in (need to move our powerpoints really but tahts a Big Job on the list of Big Jobs)...

I tend to mop and hoover in the living room, hall and kitchen - I cannot wash up, I can't get close enough to the sink and I can't currently cook for the same reasons - can't get close enough, worktop is too high - but soon (fingers x!) the kitchen will be accessible and we'll have a slimline dishwasher so I'll be back to cooking and sorting out the pots too.

I also work part time from home!

DP does the bits he can do, and he does care for me for the things I can't do, and works that around his own disabilities, and I manage the bits hes not good at.

It's not always perfect and our house won't win any tidy homes prizes, but stuff gets done!

Yours... can't be arsed, probably because he knows you'll do it, and you'll take the bullshit from him as well.

Stop doing it, stop taking his bullshit!

Agree about this sort of man attaching themselves to a certain type of woman. My DH would be sitting in a bed sit (or his mother’s house) in his pants, drinking cans , if it weren’t for me… And he knows it, so the fear of me dumping him is real. He also acted like dickhead when our son was a tiny baby.

This is not about the disease, this is about your DH being a complete and utter lazy waste of space and unpleasant with it.
My DM suffered from CD from her mid-thirties, and I mean suffered . I have seen her in so much pain that she crawled to the toilet. This was before all the modern treatments (she had 3 feet of diseased intestine removed at one stage) and one time the disease was so out of control that she didn't leave our village for 2 years.
My DM didn't take it out on others, she worked part-time from home, helped look after her grandson and kept the house beautifully. Obviously she had help from my father and my sister during the really bad times (unfortunately, I was working abroad a lot of the time ) but DM "didn't want to be a burden" and help was accepted reluctantly.
You will have to get tough with your DH. When the disease is in remission he absolutely should be doing household chores, childcare, whatever. Remind him that he will be doing everything for himself if his unpleasant behaviour prompts.you to leave him and that it is not an idle threat.

Your husband is a prick to everybody, why are you allowing your children to grow up witnessing this?

O

What does he brung to the relationship? How does he enhance your life?