To be upset at friends lack of reply to this

[Princesspeachee]

I'll start by saying I know people have things going on in their own lives too that they might not share, that affects how they reply sometimes.

Childhood friends, 15 years, been through all the milestones together, weddings, kids etc.
Lives get busy, so sometimes we talk daily for a week and sometimes a few weeks goes by but we know this. It's just adult life.

Anyway friend messaged me about a week ago to see how everything was going and to share some of her own frustrations (work).
I sent a couple of sympathetic messages back to her work problem, some suggestions on how to resolve something and let her know that it's been a hard time recently as my mum had been diagnosed with cancer.

She replied to the messages regarding her work but not the one about my mum. I didn't think much of it at first because she could have got busy and put her phone down etc.

As the days have gone by though I've become more and more irritated by the lack of reply, I can see she's been active etc. I wasn't looking for sympathy but I was having a bit of a wobble and needed a friend to talk to about it. Tbh I'd have been OK if she'd have put a sad emoji to the message and nothing else. I think it's the lack of acknowledgment.
It's been over a week now and nothing but plenty of other social media activity etc.

I know i am way to emotional at the moment to message her with how upset I feel. I'm also hesitant incase she has something going on and I upset her and make her feel worse.

So aibu to have expected some sort of reply or acknowledgement?

Very frustrating. I would not do anything except remind yourself that people are often flaky, dont reply, unable to see things like we do. So just leave her off. If its the beginning of the end for your friendship you will soon know.

It sounds as if your "friend" is one of those fair-weather friends who is happy to tell you her "problems" but isn't going to be of any support with yours. I hope your mum can get appropriate treatment and make a recovery x

That's poor...I hope she just didn't read the message properly. If she did and ignored it, that's pretty unforgivable.

Has she seen your message? I can't imagine how a person could see that, take it in and not reply. The only explanation is she somehow missed it.

If she didn't miss it and didn't acknowledge your message, she is not your friend.

I would get in touch to say, did you see my message? and repeat your news. See what her reaction is to that.

Your friend may have scanned through the message if you briefly mentioned your mum, or another text could have come along . Unless she has form for this, send her a text saying hope things are better for you and a very brief update on your mum.

A lot of people just don't know how to respond to things like that so don't. It's awkward for everyone involved. Has she been there for you during bad times before?

also hope your mum has good news soon too ... most cancer isn'tmost cancer is the horror it used to be, and I can vouch for the treatment being amazing the horror it used to be, and I can vouch for the treatment being amazing xx

Oops messed up last post and can't edit!

That's not ok. Does she have form for being all about her? I'm not sure if you mean it was the first time you had mentioned about your mum having cancer or whether she already knew but I'm hoping she comes back in the normal timeframe apologising and saying she missed that. If it was telling her initially about the diagnosis I would want a heartfelt apology for ignoring it.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, she probably just didn’t read that bit of your message 😬can’t think many people would be that insensitive. Just message and tell her again and see what sort of reply you get

Usually, I'm the least sympathetic person in th world when it comes to flakey friends. But... based on a good, long term friendship that has felt equal, if she was very stressed that day re the work thing, is it possible she didn't actually clock the message? I have done that in the past (albeit, not on something that was anywhere near as important or sensitive as this). eg, there's a discussion about something I'm stressed about but in between I might ask the person a question and then only days later realise they didn't answer... only to find that in fact they did?

I would send her a message. You could address it directly, "I'm not sure if you saw my message about my mum but I'm really upset" OR, you could assume she's seen it but give her benefit of the doubt eg, "I have to go up to the hospital with mum this week. It feels so scary." or whatever.

Of course, if she still continues to ignore it, then she's one of those useless people who think if they ignore these big things they will go away and you might have to reconsider the entire friendship.

Maybe she didn’t read it properly - it easy to miss things on WhatsApp. Why don’t you speak to her and ask?

Sorry re your mum.

I really struggle to comment on things like this as my mum died of cancer and I am totally not over it. I wouldn't leave it unanswered, especially with a good friend, but it could be tough to engage on it. Could your firned be similar? Or maybe just doesnt' want to text about it?

Otherwise YANBU.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum and it’s absolutely fair enough to be upset about her lack of response.

I will say I’m a bugger for missing messages though. I was speaking to a friend about plans for our forthcoming meet up when my DC woke and I didn’t go back to that WhatsApp thread until a week later. Turns out that after the messages about our plans, DFriend had decided to tell me that her and her long term partner had got engaged! And I didn’t reply for a week. I was mortified - luckily she’s very relaxed but I felt awful that she’d sent a message like that and thought I’d just ignored it.

I too would assume hope that she has just missed the news about your mum in the slew of other messages?

Is it a new / recent diagnosis? Did you mention it was on the horizon at all? (ie your mum was going for tests?)

No excuse really. I have a life long friend who is lovely but always has so much going on, I love her dearly but she isn't who I go to when I need emotional support.

Wishing your mum well.

This is something I have done more than once.

Unless she's got previous form for high-level selfishness, I'd be inclined to think she hasn't seen that message/part of the message.

I've certainly managed to overlook parts of messages or read them wrong.

Sometimes messages don't go through, op, and this has happened to me very recently. Last week, three consecutive messages I sent to my mum never got through.

Can't tag you all Indivifually because honestly I don't know how to use MN lol

To answer a few questions

She's definitely seen it, two blue ticks. The way in which I send my messages I doubt she would have missed it. Ie seperate messages for each thing so it hasn't got lost in a wall of text.

It's hit and miss with her being there, sometimes she's fantastic, other times not. I don't tend to bring many issues up but she has more that she shares. I'm quite a private person so it takes a lot to open up about stuff.
I have felt before that she takes more than she gives but then she will be amazing and supportive and it tends to be there was something else going on.

I understand no everyone knows how to reply to serious things like this and this has been in my mind and why I haven't pushed it by messaging again. I think I know her well enough to know she hasn't been directly affected by cancer so I haven't put my foot in it that way.

I hate confrontation so the thought of re messaging just fills me with fear.

Thanks for all the lovely wishes for my mum. It's very early and looking like a very positive outcome currently which is the most anyone can hope for. Please never skip mammograms or smear testa ladies they honestly are the key to picking this stuff up early!

This. I’m hoping she somehow just missed it. If not, it’s really poor on her part and very selfish of her.

Ask if she saw your message
If she says yes and she didn't reply to it, dump her
If she says so sorry, I missed it, forgive

She was probably busy when she read it and skim read. Not taking in that information.

Or

She doesn't know what to say to you. Neither makes her flaky or a bad friend

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope they can offer her a treatment plan soon 💐

Sometimes in exchanges of messages it's easy to overlook one, very easy. I would assume this is what's happened.

I'd just send something like

Mum had another scan today, I'll be glad when we can meet with the MDT to see what type of cancer it is & what the proposed treatment plan is.

a single text, rather than one in a slew of messages.

you know her, we don't, but isn't a mistake more likely than her ignoring that?

Here's hoping she's not clocked it! I hope things carry on well for your mum, it's a stressful time for you as well, it must be disappointing that she's left your feelings unacknowledged like that.

I know you want to avoid a confrontation. I've given chances to friends before, just acted as though they had made some helpful noises and then a message like this 'follow up appointment went well [for me, but obviously you can say mums] crossing everything on course for all clear now' and in my case the cue for support, she'd got through her own situation and admitted in all her stress she'd seen it, panicked and then got caught up in issues. But it does involve being open and that can feel very vulnerable.