To be upset at friends lack of reply to this

[Princesspeachee]

I'll start by saying I know people have things going on in their own lives too that they might not share, that affects how they reply sometimes.

Childhood friends, 15 years, been through all the milestones together, weddings, kids etc.
Lives get busy, so sometimes we talk daily for a week and sometimes a few weeks goes by but we know this. It's just adult life.

Anyway friend messaged me about a week ago to see how everything was going and to share some of her own frustrations (work).
I sent a couple of sympathetic messages back to her work problem, some suggestions on how to resolve something and let her know that it's been a hard time recently as my mum had been diagnosed with cancer.

She replied to the messages regarding her work but not the one about my mum. I didn't think much of it at first because she could have got busy and put her phone down etc.

As the days have gone by though I've become more and more irritated by the lack of reply, I can see she's been active etc. I wasn't looking for sympathy but I was having a bit of a wobble and needed a friend to talk to about it. Tbh I'd have been OK if she'd have put a sad emoji to the message and nothing else. I think it's the lack of acknowledgment.
It's been over a week now and nothing but plenty of other social media activity etc.

I know i am way to emotional at the moment to message her with how upset I feel. I'm also hesitant incase she has something going on and I upset her and make her feel worse.

So aibu to have expected some sort of reply or acknowledgement?

Being hopeful I'd say she surface read your message and misses the cancer bit ? Clutching at straws but I hope that's what it is

If not that a shit way for an old friend to behave

I’d assume she’s misread. I’ve been chatting to a mutual friend about a trip’s logistics thinking she lives in New York not York because I’d misread the original message. If she’s a good friend I’d reply to the message you sent with ‘did you see this?’

Bloody hell.

What a load of bullshit.

Wow. Well initially I assumed she’d missed the message but going by your update that doesn’t appear to be the case. That is not okay at all. Even if she didn’t know what to say, to not even respond is awful. I wouldn’t see her in the same way.

I had a friend who did similar, and had firm for it… two blue ticks, but it turned out she’d opened the message and not read it.

However, when I said it again, she got annoyed with me for ‘being critical’ and wasn’t apologetic, still didn’t acknowledge the original sensitive message.

We’re no longer friends.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. It takes 30 seconds to say I’m so sorry, let’s chat later. Your update is very telling.

She is a shit friend and I wouldn’t bother being there for her in future. Friendship is meant to be reciprocal otherwise what’s the point of it? If it’s not, it’s just you being her unpaid therapist

I've honestly got the worst headache from stressing about it all. Pretty much just want to go to bed.
Emotionally I'm a wreck but I'm trying to hold it all in because I know once I start to be upset I won't stop. I have so much going on, a funeral of a close friend to go to on Friday and a family members the week after.
I don't want all of this to cloud my judgement but im just sat here thinking I need someone to talk to, cry to and someone I thought would be there just isn't. I don't want to put any of this on my mum right now.

I just hope it's not as bad as it looks currently because I'm not sure i can deal with another blow.

Block the unsympathetic bitch. So sorry op.

Take solace in the fact that everyone on the internet thinks you're right and she's wrong. A normal friend- not even a good one - would make time for a reply. You've been let down but don't be sad - be angry. You've lost nothing by losing someone like her.

Emotionally I'm a wreck but I'm trying to hold it all in because I know once I start to be upset I won't stop.

You don't need to hold it all in. Your feelings are natural. Allow yourself to have a good cry.

After the cry what do you think you could do to look after yourself? A long shower? A Bubble bath? Favourite snack? Get cosy in bed with a book?

She's not your friend. Hope you're okay and sorry about your mam x

Well said bonjour

Thankyou all, i genuinely thought I'd get ripped to shreds and told I was being unreasonable.

I will let it all out, I just need my head to not hurt so crying doesn't make it worse. And I don't think I have the energy for a productive cry right now.
I'll be having a lie in in the morning whilst DH does the school run, he is a rock and is super supportive. And probably a nice long bubble bath as suggested tomorrow evening.

I think it's just really sad when it becomes apparent that you care more about a friendship than the other person. I really struggle to maintain good female friendships, I don't know why, maybe it's me I don't know. The last time a friendship ended was because she took my ex husbands side purely because she'd know him longer. There was no reason to take sides, it was all amicable and we get on really well still as we Co parent. That hurt me more than the break up, that girl was honestly like a sister to me and I've never had anything that comes close since but this friendship was the closest so this really stings.

I'm not sure what reply if any would make up for this. I think I need to distance myself from this friendship now. I won't be messaging again. There's a tiny part of me that wants her to prove me wrong, maybe she has a phone issue etc but I'm probably being naive

I would do this too.

I found when my dm was very sick l was doubly conscious of how others reacted or didn't react. I think l was so devastated and sort of grieving that anger was very quick to come to the surface. At another time you probably wouldn't even notice if your df responded. Focus on looking after yourself and don't waste any energy on her. Maybe she will come through. You will find that those you thought weren't right up there as really good friends will suddenly become the supportive ones and others will fall by the wayside. Crisis has a way of sorting things very quickly.
I hope your mum does well with her treatment.

When you're feeling this hurt now is not the time to start evaluating friendships and your part to play in them...you'll just view it all in a negative light and give yourself a hard time.

The lie in sounds great and I hope you enjoy your bubble bath tomorrow night. You deserve a relax. Xxx

My 'friend' has a mental illness and has been 'away' for a couple of months. Just prior to this my DM died. I've been in contact with her relatives and passed on my best wishes etc and explained what's going on with me. My 'friend' msg to say she back at home etc, no mention of my DM. I tried to call but no ansa. I know I can't deal with her right now or maybe never.
Maybe, just maybe, your msg triggered something that's going on in her life and she's stone walled herself about replying. If she doesn't reply with something plausible soon, write her off.

Mine often show as read as it's popped up on my laptop but I haven't seen it on my phone. Give her time

Morning all,

I slept terribly and I still have a massive headache.

No reply from friend either.

Genuinely I'm wondering what to do now.

Do I wait longer, do I message again, hell do I ring her and directly ask on the phone if she's read these messages and not replied?

Or do I just move on from this friendship and not reply again to anything?

I'm most hesitant to do the last one incase I have got the wrong end of the stick
, there are so many PP who have been in similar situations and missed messages etc that I don't want to jump to immediately thinking she's the bad guy.

My guts telling me she's ignoring it now but I know my heads not in the most reasonable place right now either.

I am sorry op but I would say goodbye to that friendship unless she contacts you with a very convincing reason. She is refusing to even acknowledge your situation, much less support you. She is showing you who she is now. True colours.

Put your energy into other friendships, counselling support and spending time with your mum, don’t waste anymore headspace on this acquaintance, she truly isn’t worth your time. I hope your Mum makes a full recovery

I wouldn't message again. But I'd be open minded about how to respond if she contacted me again.

Try to focus on yourself now.

I am so sorry OP.

Based upon your earlier comment about how she's rarely available to be there if you have an issue, I think your gut feeling is right.

Personally I wouldn't contact her ever again, unless she came back in a day or so with an exceptional reason. I went through something similar and while our friendship limped on for a while I should have dropped her sooner.

sorry but youvementionedit twice now with no response you havent got the wrong end of the stick

Here's what I learned

• Sometimes people do miss things. Quick texts, arrived at a busy time etc. Benefit of the doubt and believing the best of people initially is important. Believe your friend would not miss this intentionally until she shows you otherwise.
• Some people are very triggered by cancer and sadly it brings out the worst in them.
• Some people are going through their own stuff. A friend was diagnosed with cancer at the time one of my children (and I with them) had a multiple month stay in hospital as they were critically ill. We don't always know every circumstance. The first couple months (pre baby) I made my friend meals and checked in frequently. It became harder and harder. I still feel much guilt even though being in hospital for 3 months with my little one meant I wasn't around to make meals etc.
• Some people are just...not who we thought. Whether they just don't want to be there for hard things, whether friendship for them is the good stuff, or they just aren't interested. If your friend is the latter you will soon know and don't accept it, just close the friendship and move on. I could tell you a couple of deeply personal experiences I had myself with people who were incredibly cruel/uncaring but I've moved on. People do show their true colours...

Will be thinking of your Mum and you