To be upset at friends lack of reply to this

[Princesspeachee]

I'll start by saying I know people have things going on in their own lives too that they might not share, that affects how they reply sometimes.

Childhood friends, 15 years, been through all the milestones together, weddings, kids etc.
Lives get busy, so sometimes we talk daily for a week and sometimes a few weeks goes by but we know this. It's just adult life.

Anyway friend messaged me about a week ago to see how everything was going and to share some of her own frustrations (work).
I sent a couple of sympathetic messages back to her work problem, some suggestions on how to resolve something and let her know that it's been a hard time recently as my mum had been diagnosed with cancer.

She replied to the messages regarding her work but not the one about my mum. I didn't think much of it at first because she could have got busy and put her phone down etc.

As the days have gone by though I've become more and more irritated by the lack of reply, I can see she's been active etc. I wasn't looking for sympathy but I was having a bit of a wobble and needed a friend to talk to about it. Tbh I'd have been OK if she'd have put a sad emoji to the message and nothing else. I think it's the lack of acknowledgment.
It's been over a week now and nothing but plenty of other social media activity etc.

I know i am way to emotional at the moment to message her with how upset I feel. I'm also hesitant incase she has something going on and I upset her and make her feel worse.

So aibu to have expected some sort of reply or acknowledgement?

Wow!! I just read through this thread and honestly thought she had just misread it or something (which I have done before)

But what the actual fuck...

Has she shown signs of being this self centred before?

If you send multiple messages at a time, it's highly likely she hasn't noticed it. I often miss something if someone sends multiple texts. Just ask her.

Equally if she had your chat open when you messages whilst she thought about her response to your previous message so didn't even get the notification. I do this a lot too. I would just text and ask her.

Sorry to hear about your mum, I hope she gets some good news soon!

Sorry OP, just read your updates, I thought there was only 1 page (muppet!)

Yeah YANBU at all!! I would just cut all contact tbh, you can't get through to someone rhat self absorbed.

A nail appointment? A FUCKING NAIL APPOINTMENT?!?!?!

I personally would cut ties with this ex friend with the briefest of messages: "I won't be in touch from now on. Your reaction to my mother's illness has shown me that we don't have a friendship.

This is good.

OP, she has absolutely NO empathy at all. I've never heard anything like it. I bet she plays the victim too and says you just cut her off for no reason.

Get your husband to reply something along the lines of “call yourself a friend? She’s going through hell at the moment and you are clearly too self absorbed to give a shit” then block, block, block!

This is unbelievably cold and lacking in emotional intelligence OP. Well done you for hanging up on her. I’d like to think it might prompt some self reflection by her but judging by her message to your DH probably not. I’m sorry she’s been such a shit friend

"Sorry you think I was rude. I can assure you I am not having a breakdown, I am understandably upset about my mums recent health issues and your complete disregard to this after I confided this to you. Hope you manage to get your nails sorted"

Then leave it at that, the ball is in her court, how she proceeds from that is a further sign of what she feels about the friendship. I feel you will be wanting to take a step back

Fuck me!!!

Delete this self-absorbed piece of shit from your life.

for your mum.

So sorry about your mum, I hope she makes a good recovery. How very self centered of your friend. How does she think her nail appointment trumps your mum having cancer? I would let my dh reply to her, just once. Not in a sweary, ranting way, but in a firm, articulate & supportive manner. She needs to see how insensitive, cold & unsupportive she has been, especially as you have been so supportive to her troubles. I could not let this lie.
After sending one last message, unless she sees the error of her ways & is full of apologies I would ignore her.

Don’t be diplomatic or dignified - what’s the point?

Tell her exactly what you want to say on exactly the way you want.

Personally I’d be saying “there’s nothing wrong with me, there’s plenty wrong with you though. Don’t bother contacting me or my husband again “

Sorry you think I was rude. I can assure you I am not having a breakdown, I am understandably upset about my mums recent health issues and your complete disregard to this after I confided this to you. Hope you manage to get your nails sorted"

This is a very good response. The last sentence speaks volumes in how self centered she has been.
Then ignore her. You have far more important things to think about, than responding to her argumentative texts.

I read your updates with my mouth open, OP. What a self absorbed bitch!! Block and delete, and think no more of her.
I’m so sorry about your mum.

I'm genuinely flabbergasted that someone would behave like this to anyone let alone someone they supposedly consider a "friend". She sounds like a vile narcissist.

This response is too subtle for someone with a complete lack of empathy like “friend”
op. She’d likely think you were actually apologising to her

I think your response should depend on what you hope to gain or salvage from the relationship. If you hope to reconcile I would suggest a calm measured response about how difficult things are right now and how you had hoped to be able to lean on a friend and you feel let down that she prioritised a nail appointment.

on the other hand if you are completely done with her then something with a few more expletives would be fine

I am not having a breakdown but even if I was you’d probably be more concerned about your nails. Thank you for showing me exactly who you are. Don’t contact me again, I have as much interest in your life as you clearly have in mine… absolutely zero.

I like this one!

I also think this is too subtle. She might think you’re actually apologising for being rude, and might think the last sentence is genuine.

I’d probably send a message telling her exactly what you think, that you were really disappointed she didn’t even bother to acknowledge your sad news, even when reminded about it. And the fact she has the time to complain about her nails, but not so much as a ‘sorry to hear that’ reply after several days is making you wonder if you have time for the friendship going forward.

OP, this is mind-blowing. If it was romantic relationships you were consistently finding difficult people on MN would tell you to get some counselling and work on yourself because. I think it can actually be true with friendships too. None of that makes it you're faulty, just something to think about when building friendships.

In the meantime, this woman is mind-blowingly insensitive. I think your Dh should respond. "Her mum is sick and you clearly don't give a fuck. She's not rude. She's hurt. Please leave us both alone."

I mean, even just that she texted your DH? My god, the only time I've texted a friend's DH in a similar way was after a v good friend's parent died very unexpectedly and I was supporting her but I was checking in with her DH too so that I could adjust my support based on his feedback as needed.

I would assume it was missed and move on, sure if it keeps on happening weird

I don't see a benefit of mentioning it as to me it is not much different to forcing a child to say sorry as they say it because you made them only

Has everyone these days lost the ability to TALK? Text messages are, at best, a random and fast messaging system, not a method of communicating. Pick up a phone. Call around. Whatever. But we are people not machines. Communication is about words and feelings not 0's and 1's. Text messaging does nothing for humanity.

@Quveas have you these days lost the ability to READ?

Read the OP’s updates!

This woman is unbelievable !!!

So this friendship is well and truly over!

My DH has not long got off the phone to her.
She rang him demanding to know why he hadnt replied to her message (oh the fucking irony!) and asking if I had been spouting shit about her..
I heard these bits and hubby literally went bright red and jumped off the sofa and into the kitchen (I followed as I wanted to hear what was going on)

He replied with
'how dare you ring me' (they don't have a friendship, he dislikes her drama and the way she's treated me in the past)
'I hadn't replied as yet as I was trying to find a way to respond to you without sounding like a dick, but I think we are past that now'
'x is not having a breakdown, she's heartbroken that her so called friend of ten years cares more about a nail appointment than the fact she's been told x mum has cancer, how utterly selfish of you'

She then tried to say that I have been an awful friend and not been there for her (I heard this too)

DH responded
'you've got to be taking the piss here?'
He listed off at least 5 occasions in the last 6 months where i have helped her out, or rushed to her aid, including one time a month or so ago where I drove 2 hours to pick the kids up when she had broken down and recovery was 4 hours. Took the kids to mine and kept them over night, took them to school the next day so she could have a lie in.

Things got pretty heated after this I could hear she was screeching but not what and DH will not tell me (he will eventually but I think he knows I can't handle anything else right now and if it was truly nasty he's not going to knock me down further.)
Whatever it was got DH raising his voice, he told her that she is a spiteful, poisonous bitch and that she better not dare to contact me or him ever again.

Christ the wine is going down far too well tonight.

I am however so damn relieved this is over, there's no coming back from this and I am so so proud of my hubby right now too.

He did good!