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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friends lack of reply to this

141 replies

Princesspeachee · 19/06/2023 13:35

I'll start by saying I know people have things going on in their own lives too that they might not share, that affects how they reply sometimes.

Childhood friends, 15 years, been through all the milestones together, weddings, kids etc.
Lives get busy, so sometimes we talk daily for a week and sometimes a few weeks goes by but we know this. It's just adult life.

Anyway friend messaged me about a week ago to see how everything was going and to share some of her own frustrations (work).
I sent a couple of sympathetic messages back to her work problem, some suggestions on how to resolve something and let her know that it's been a hard time recently as my mum had been diagnosed with cancer.

She replied to the messages regarding her work but not the one about my mum. I didn't think much of it at first because she could have got busy and put her phone down etc.

As the days have gone by though I've become more and more irritated by the lack of reply, I can see she's been active etc. I wasn't looking for sympathy but I was having a bit of a wobble and needed a friend to talk to about it. Tbh I'd have been OK if she'd have put a sad emoji to the message and nothing else. I think it's the lack of acknowledgment.
It's been over a week now and nothing but plenty of other social media activity etc.

I know i am way to emotional at the moment to message her with how upset I feel. I'm also hesitant incase she has something going on and I upset her and make her feel worse.

So aibu to have expected some sort of reply or acknowledgement?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 20/06/2023 13:44

I told my friend my dad had died. I literally got 'oh not good' then a diatribe about his own dad and his current divorce. Suffice to say, I don't consider him a friend any more. People can be self-absorbed shits but at least it gives you the opportunity to sort the wheat from the chaff.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/06/2023 13:46

I am so sorry about your mum Flowers

She sounds horrible - I would just not respond to her anymore. It takes a spectacularly selfish and self-absorbed person to ignore a message like that.

Newuser75 · 20/06/2023 13:48

Comedycook · 19/06/2023 13:42

That's poor...I hope she just didn't read the message properly. If she did and ignored it, that's pretty unforgivable.

I was wondering this also. I really hope this is the case. I'm sorry about your mum.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 14:07

Abra1t · 19/06/2023 14:38

Some people are just awful at noticing quite important things. I told a friend my father had died--in a Christmas card, but she obviously just skimmed over it and it didn't click or she forgot to say anything. I know when she sees me she'll ask how he is. It's been 3.5 years now since he died.

If your friend hasn't contacted you in 3.5 years then she's not a friend at all, I'm afraid.

I went through the same when my Dad died. Lost a few friends who called me "attention seeking" to have still been upset when they called the day after the funeral.... You never know who your real friends really are as people, until you really need them.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 14:13

Trying2understand · 20/06/2023 13:39

Here's what I learned

  • Sometimes people do miss things. Quick texts, arrived at a busy time etc. Benefit of the doubt and believing the best of people initially is important. Believe your friend would not miss this intentionally until she shows you otherwise.
  • Some people are very triggered by cancer and sadly it brings out the worst in them.
  • Some people are going through their own stuff. A friend was diagnosed with cancer at the time one of my children (and I with them) had a multiple month stay in hospital as they were critically ill. We don't always know every circumstance. The first couple months (pre baby) I made my friend meals and checked in frequently. It became harder and harder. I still feel much guilt even though being in hospital for 3 months with my little one meant I wasn't around to make meals etc.
  • Some people are just...not who we thought. Whether they just don't want to be there for hard things, whether friendship for them is the good stuff, or they just aren't interested. If your friend is the latter you will soon know and don't accept it, just close the friendship and move on. I could tell you a couple of deeply personal experiences I had myself with people who were incredibly cruel/uncaring but I've moved on. People do show their true colours...

Will be thinking of your Mum and you Flowers

Stop making excuses for shit behaviour. None of the above excuses nor explains just plain ignoring a friend in a vulnerable & upset state of mind - for multiple days - and not even sending a gosh damn 'emoji' ffs!

MidsummerNightsDream · 20/06/2023 14:37

That’s very unkind of her. If she had missed it previously, surely she would immediately scan back through the conversation to read what she may have missed? It seems unusual given the long standing friendship but these experiences can show you who your true friends are.

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 20/06/2023 14:50

I'm sorry about your Mum OP, I've been there, and I also actually had a friend who acted the same way as your friend when I told her. It broke my heart. My Mum beat cancer 3 times but when it became terminal, I messaged the friend expecting support, but she just replied saying "oh". I remember bursting into tears. When my Mum passed away I announced it on Facebook, she didn't even comment or send me a message. She didn't even 'react' to my post. I actually realised she wasn't a true friend in the end. I've bumped into her a few times and we planned to meet but everytime I offered a day she would always put her boyfriend first and say no. One excuse was "I can't see you because my partner comes home at this time and I need to be home for when he gets home". I have better friends than her. And I've learnt not to dwell on her. I've accepted some friendships don't last forever.

Sorry I've waffled on a bit. Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts about your Mum xx

Original poster
Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 17:30

So she's just rang me.. To bitch about a nail appointment... I listened to this for about 10 seconds before directly asking if she has read the messages about my mum, this was her reply

'yes, but I haven't got time to talk about that right now I've got to get this sorted first'

I asked her if she was being fucking serious and then told her good luck with that (ie the nail appointment) and put the phone down.

I'm not even upset anymore, it's actually laughable now. I am so done.

Thankyou to everyone for all your advice and some comments have given me a little giggle along the way to. I am going to focus on myself and my mum and forget about her. Honestly it's better this happened now. I do have other friends and maybe when I'm feeling a bit less emotional I'll make an effort to catch up with them.

OP posts:
Frogmila · 20/06/2023 17:33

Unbelievable. Self obsessed doesn't come close to covering it. A nail appointment?! So sorry OP. At least you know where you stand. I'd be blocking and forgetting. Hope your mum makes a good recovery xx

Topictwenty · 20/06/2023 17:37

Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 17:30

So she's just rang me.. To bitch about a nail appointment... I listened to this for about 10 seconds before directly asking if she has read the messages about my mum, this was her reply

'yes, but I haven't got time to talk about that right now I've got to get this sorted first'

I asked her if she was being fucking serious and then told her good luck with that (ie the nail appointment) and put the phone down.

I'm not even upset anymore, it's actually laughable now. I am so done.

Thankyou to everyone for all your advice and some comments have given me a little giggle along the way to. I am going to focus on myself and my mum and forget about her. Honestly it's better this happened now. I do have other friends and maybe when I'm feeling a bit less emotional I'll make an effort to catch up with them.

omg what a complete and utter cow.
Ditch her and never speak to her again, she is no friend

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2023 18:00

I originally thought she'd call you up about it, but I've seen your update. She's vile to say she hasn't got time to talk about your mum's cancer, clearly prioritising her nails?! Wtf?! That'd not a good friend, at all. I'd ignore her from now on. How incredibly self absorbed and selfish she must be. No-one would think nails are more important, than someone with cancer.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 20/06/2023 18:05

Jesus Christ what a self absorbed bitch!!
Block her and never speak to her again.
Hope your mum is on the road to recovery soon x

whynotwhatknot · 20/06/2023 18:35

wow-please block her op thats no friend

best wishes to you mum

Maddy70 · 20/06/2023 19:02

Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 17:30

So she's just rang me.. To bitch about a nail appointment... I listened to this for about 10 seconds before directly asking if she has read the messages about my mum, this was her reply

'yes, but I haven't got time to talk about that right now I've got to get this sorted first'

I asked her if she was being fucking serious and then told her good luck with that (ie the nail appointment) and put the phone down.

I'm not even upset anymore, it's actually laughable now. I am so done.

Thankyou to everyone for all your advice and some comments have given me a little giggle along the way to. I am going to focus on myself and my mum and forget about her. Honestly it's better this happened now. I do have other friends and maybe when I'm feeling a bit less emotional I'll make an effort to catch up with them.

Wow . I'm so sorry she's been a proper bitch. Maybe she is going through something similar and can't talk about it yet? clutching at straws

Original poster
Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 19:04

Thankyou all!
My husband is absolutely livid, he wants to message her but I've told him to leave it. She's not worth our energy,if she can't see how insensitive she's being then I highly doubt pointing it out to her will change anything and tbh even if she apologised now I'm not sure it would be enough.
I've deleted off social media, haven't blocked her number yet but I more than likely will.

OP posts:
ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 20/06/2023 19:07

What a absolute bitch! I hope you're okay op. Flowers
Hopefully karma will get her may a dozen pigeons projectile poo in her hair!

Original poster
Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 19:11

She's petrified of pigeons so that would possibly be the correct karma for her 😂

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/06/2023 19:16

Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 17:30

So she's just rang me.. To bitch about a nail appointment... I listened to this for about 10 seconds before directly asking if she has read the messages about my mum, this was her reply

'yes, but I haven't got time to talk about that right now I've got to get this sorted first'

I asked her if she was being fucking serious and then told her good luck with that (ie the nail appointment) and put the phone down.

I'm not even upset anymore, it's actually laughable now. I am so done.

Thankyou to everyone for all your advice and some comments have given me a little giggle along the way to. I am going to focus on myself and my mum and forget about her. Honestly it's better this happened now. I do have other friends and maybe when I'm feeling a bit less emotional I'll make an effort to catch up with them.

Wow that's a whole level of cold from her.

Toptotoe · 20/06/2023 19:18

It seems like maybe she didn’t read your message properly.
I’d just message her again and update her on what’s happening with your mum and see what she comes back with ( if anything).
It’s good the news re your mum is positive . I hope she gets well soon .

Toptotoe · 20/06/2023 19:19

Just saw this - what a callous response from her. I think you really don’t need ‘friends’ like this in your life

StarbucksSmarterSister · 20/06/2023 19:42

Bloody hell. A fucking nail appointment. Well she really has shown her true colours, callous beyond belief.

Block her on everything. I'd blank her if I saw her in the Street too and if anyone asked why we were no longer friends, I'd tell them.

Her loss, not yours. I hope everything goes well for your mum.

Original poster
Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 20:18

Update (you're going to want to sit down for this)

She's messaged my husband asking if I'm having breakdown because I was 'So rude' to her on the phone earlier..

I have no words....

I do however have wine

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 20/06/2023 20:26

Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 20:18

Update (you're going to want to sit down for this)

She's messaged my husband asking if I'm having breakdown because I was 'So rude' to her on the phone earlier..

I have no words....

I do however have wine

😅 fucking hell. Let her have it, Mr OP!

Original poster
Princesspeachee · 20/06/2023 20:32

We are trying to think of a dignified response but so far nothing he's wanting to put fits that criteria at all...
Part of me is so tempted to say to him not to reply at all, taste of her own medicine.

Open to suggestions on a reply

OP posts:
stardust777 · 20/06/2023 20:34

Sorry to hear about your mum OP, I hope she's on the road to recovery.

I personally would cut ties with this ex friend with the briefest of messages: "I won't be in touch from now on. Your reaction to my mother's illness has shown me that we don't have a friendship."

Optional "I wish you all the best"