To fight 5050 custody?

[TrucksTrains]

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

It's exactly the same with threads about step parents. All the parents claim their children adore their step parents and step siblings. All the posters who were those children say it was miserable. Parents never want to admit they've put themselves and their desires first.

And most kids wished they didn't just see their dad sporadically. Everyone has their own opinions and experiences, there is no perfect solution. We all just have to do our best and find what works as a family.
My ex is an amazing dad, my kids would HATE not seeing him 50% off the time. 50:50 is for them and it's for us.

I think that's perhaps because no parent wants to admit to themselves and others that their decisions - like leaving/ending a relationship/marriage - has ultimately made their children very unhappy and negatively impacted them

I think also many parents don't want to openly admit that they don't want to parent more than 50% of the time on their own and that they want a break from their kids and so use 50/50 custody to facilitate this

I didn't have children to only see them 50% of their childhood. My ex left us - our marriage was normal by every day standards - no real arguments, got along fine, seemed like a team until we weren't. In my mind his actions had consequences, in choosing to leave he forfeited certain things and that includes the right to dictate that I lose time with my children. (CAVEAT - This is very specific to my circumstances and obviously won't apply to those that left due to abuse - my ex specifically left because he didn't want to be part of a busy family life so he doesn't get to pick and choose the best bits now and avoid the drudgery of nappies, potty training and sleepless nights)

@isthistheendtakeabreath Your way works for you. Don't be a bitch about people who make different choices or have better dads for their kids.

🙌

The only thing about this is we have to bear in mind the change in cultural expectations of fathers as compared to, say, in the 80s/90s.

I have said I’m not really a fan of 50/50 for little ones, although I also said it can work sometimes and Ive seen it go well (for context of this reply)

I really couldn’t imagine my own father having been able to do 50/50 - but more fathers nowadays are stepping up to do 50% of the work within a relationship, so it might be becoming more viable than it was.

Might I ask how this is going as currently in the same situation!

If he is a good father who is involved with the children and can care for them properly and you can practically make it work in terms of travel you are being unreasonable to fight 50/50. They are his children too.

He ducks out of so much now because you are there. He will have to step up if you split

If he doesn't step up at that point it may no longer be in the kids best interest to have 50/50

My parents are not separated but if they had been I honestly couldn't imagine spending half of my childhood away from my mum.
I love my dad dearly, he was funny and made me laugh but my mum was my rock, my support and my best friend and as a child I needed my mum.
I think it's important to find out what the child wants and needs.

I was pretty much 50/50 from age 11 upwards and even though it became my normal I’m still torn on whether it was actually best for me or best for my parents.

I always felt quite temporary at my Dads, I didn’t like having to always be packing up my stuff and moving between houses, the different rules were confusing. I remember starting my period at my Dads house and just wanting to go home to my mum but it was a bit of a drama. But overall it was fine, I had everything I needed in both houses and got to spend equal time with both parents and have a great relationship with both now that I really value.

But I have a 2 year old myself now and I admit if DH left us I couldn’t just not see her for 50% of her life. I just couldn’t. I don’t know what the answer would be but 50/50 would completely break my heart. I have a friend who does it with her 18 month old and everytime I think about her handing her tiny toddler over knowing she won’t get to cuddle her for 3 days it makes me feel tearful. At least I was older and more independent, for infants it just feels different and quite unsettling. Idk, just my thoughts, I guess there is no perfect solution in some cases.

Ideally you don't fight for anything. Remember once you worked together and the fact you don't know is very sad for the children. Divorce but try and treat each other well. I was divorce lawyer and once read a welfare report where the lad said he wanted to spend more time with his mum and more time with his dad. Stuck with me.

Some of the issues with 50/50 are if one parent has a long commute or works away a lot, proximity to school etc.

I actually don't think it's in the best interests of the children. Contact yes, of course, but actual 50:50 split so the children have no actual home but have to live in two entirely separate homes? Naaa. I'd hate it as an adult—and that's coming from someone who loves change and staying away from home—so why inflict it on my children if it wouldn't work for me?

Of course there will be exceptions - there always are. But generally speaking it's Mum the kids reach out for when, for example, they're ill. It was Mum the wounded cried out for on the battle field, not Dad. No offence dads. It's just a Mum thing.

Can a mum ask for 5050 custody of the children? Can it be enforced on dad in the court?
Children are age 5 and below. Reason I ask is because is becoming too overwhelming having to care for 3 children while dad is only in their life once in 2weeks. I think it is only fair we have equal parental responsibility.
Is this something you think court will agreed too with the mum?

Well to be fair, when it’s the other way around on here everyone says the woman should rinse the higher earning man for all he’s worth.

I don't see why it should be any different with the genders reversed.

Zombie thread

@Lavendersparkles22 hi, how have you managed to fight it please? Have the courts been involved?

@TrucksTrains op what happened can you update us