To fight 5050 custody?

[TrucksTrains]

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

This is what would have happened with my ex. He wanted 50:50. But he wanted 50:50 on paper. So that he didn’t have to pay maintenance. I knew he would frequently not have the kids when meant to - or when he did, it would be in a very opted out of the shit work sort of way.

What I agreed to (and I really wanted him to have a full relationship with the kids, don’t get me wrong) was him having 5/14 days. I can count on the fingers of one hand the periods of 14 days during which that’s actually happened. And it’s all a massive headache anyway as I still have to manage everything in terms of logistics for hobbies, seeing friends etc regardless of where they are doing. And that’s not me insisting on doing it, it’s a constant “what time is x hobby?” (it’ll be the same as every week and / or referred to a couple of messages back in the thread). He just really deliberately doesn’t hold on to the reins of anything.

What a fault would choose to live 50% of their life in one house and 50% in another. Zero I would think.

Spousal support is getting rarer now. The courts prefer to see if they can reach a "clean break" financial arrangement. I'm afraid that for the lower earning spouse, it is increasingly the expectation is that you need to go out there and earn more or live within your means unless there are factors that prevent this or the income disparity is very high, particularly if you are younger or your marriage is not that long.

We do 50/50 parenting.
A week at mine and a week at hers. My home is within a mile or so of both schools, her home is a little bit further out.
No court, no mediation, no money exchanges hands and no money went to solicitors. We don't bicker, we don't judge each other's parenting either.

I really hope that's true @Eleganz my solicitor had been scaring me about how much spousal support I might have to pay.

I earn almost 4 times ex h - just had financial order signed off - no spousal, no pension sharing (mine is 5x bigger), 70/30 split in my favour on the house

My ex doesn't maximise his income though and I ensured that was noted on the form. He'll never earn what I do but he could earn more just chooses not too

It is really dependent on your individual circumstances. I'm not going to contradict legal advice from your solicitor, but would suggest you find out more details about why they think that given that spousal maintenance isn't ordered even with relatively large income disparity anymore. Are there other factors at play in your case?

I am presuming you have had to sacrifice some other assets for that otherwise that sounds like a surprisingly unfair settlement or you've not been married long.

I had a 70/30 split - I got the 30, no spousal, no pension but there are a multitude of reasons and in my eyes it was fair. We had been married 10 years, together for much longer.

Could their Dad do the drop off to pre school and primary school on his days and could he collect on his days or pay for childcare on his days perhaps before breakfast club and after school clubs? Is he trustworthy to bath them, do their laundry and feed them properly on his days? If the answer is yes then he would most likely get 50/50 if he requested it. If the answer is no then possibly not. Does he want 50/50 not all men do. I had 2 teens and an 8 year old and my exh asked for every weekend but accepted every other weekend as I wanted to do fun things with them at weekend too. He took kids out to dinner every Wednesday but did not want them sleeping over as he got up at 6 for work. He did want 2 weeks of summer holidays and 2 week at Easter but he got 1 week at Easter and for this I am eternally grateful to him he asked for Boxing day and 27th December. I got Xmas day every year because he didn't want to be bothered making the DC stockings and cooking Xmas dinner. He said I could just carry on doing that. I was relieved because the thought that waking up without our children Xmas morning would have broken me. He paid higher maintenance for children because they spent 12 out of 14 nights with me. He earned a lot more than me. I was a teacher. As adults the eldest 2 children don't bother with him anymore but the youngest still visits 4 times a year. He won't stay overnight because his new partner makes them feel unwelcome. He won't even get himself a drink as she told him off for opening her fridge to get milk for coffee once when he was about 15. He tends to go out for a meal and cinema with his Dad without her.

I was told very clearly by a child psychologist that 50:50 is not best. Children need to have a home where they feel secure and then effectively visit the other parent regularly. My ex left me so I refused to even have the debate. He has them one night per week, EOW and half holidays. We live very close and I facilitated family time on birthdays, Xmas etc. They have a very strong relationship with their dad. If they ever voiced a desire to change (now teenagers) we could talk about it but they never have.
Don’t assume anything - put forward the case that you believe is best for your children. Good luck!

I agree.

I haven't RTFT.

To get the idea that you want to fight it already in your head without him even saying what he wants, and as you say he's a good father, I think is unfair.

Also, those children are just as much his as they are yours. They are no more yours.
If the kids adore their dad, and he wants 50/50, don't fight it. He may back out when he sees how hard it is anyway.

Most dad's I know don't want 50 percent. They don't want their social life or work interrupted in the way its obviously ok for women.

I think it’s common if the father wants it but a lot don’t want it. My ex doesn’t have mine overnight at all though he does see them in the day irregularly. I can’t imagine him ever having them 50 / 50.

There are plenty of child psychiatrists/psychologists who are trying to preserve the presumption that the mother should get custody. They can earn even more money from the divorce courts than lawyers.

The lawyer I saw said this too. That there's emerging evidence especially for younger children that they benefit from a stable home base and a primary carer.

All the science behind what is best for children in seperated families is still developing and emerging, there are no absolutes. Saying it's in every child's best interest to have 50/50 is just as ridiculous as those poster's saying it's never in children's best interests. The answers about what's best varies from child to child and family to family.

If your question OP is, 'I believe 50/50 is not in my child's best interests, should I fight to get the best outcome for them?' I'd say YANBU with the caveat that you have to really believe this is best for your DC, it's not about what you want or what his Dad wants. The other caveat is that even if you believe that you might still be wrong. You should go into any discussion on this with an open mind. Air concerns and listen and really think about what your DC needs and not what you want. Maybe 60/40 is best, or 70/30. Unless there are specific reasons otherwise I think just EOW with the parent that hasn't been the primary carer is rarely what is best for DC.

It was not in this case.

Would your D.C. father actually /50? And do all the hard bits he avoids now?

Your ex left you so you refused to have the debate? Was this to get back at him? Anyway, you would have had to have the debate if he had fought for it.

If you do end up splitting, then by far the best thing for your kids is for the two of you to be amicable and on the same page about things. You need to work on the relationship with your coparent, even after a divorce. Do you think you could convince him that having one main residence really is best for the kids? And possibly spend summers with Dad? But even if the two of you agree now, if you split then his loyalties may shift more towards his own family, and they may influence him as well.

It's tough, and yes, people are mistaken when they say "the woman always gets custody." Men who fight for custody have a good chance and many people sympathise with a Dad who wants to spend time with his kids.

Your 2 paragraphs contradict each other.

Men get custody if they fight but the best thing for the kids is for the to be amicable.

If there are two good loving parents then yes 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids.

My Ds was 3 when I split with my DH, we live overseas with no family.

We started with him doing pickup from daycare then home for dinner bath every night at my place (where we had always lived together ) as we had done while married.

Then progressed over six months to 3 nights a week, I needed this to be able to work full time to pay my rent and bills.

He stepped up over time and became an amazing dad, we are pretty equal as parents now, whereas before I seemed to do it all.

We do live 5mins from one another, and have a good friendship and put the needs of DS first before everything.

We help one another out if work commitments come up, and despite slightly different parenting styles DS is thriving now at 10, we are now 50/50 on a 5/2/2/5 rotation.

It was important for both of us to have the time and energy to build our careers to support two households and with no family support we had to be able to rely to an extent on one another.

That sounds wonderful @BobShark

Do you think he’ll actually want 50/50?

Of the men I know that went for 50/50 on a split they were either hands on, excellent Dads so 50/50 was a no-brainer as it was best for the kids or ones who wanted control still.

The vast majority of guys still default to weekends and holidays in my experience. Especially those that haven’t been proactively hands on and the Mum did most of it.

It might be where the courts head mostly now, but the majority of couples splitting don’t end up in court sorting access arrangements.

There was an interesting thread a while back where the OP asked people about their experiences of 50/50 care as the children in the scenario. Most who experienced it as children said it was not good for them/they hated it. Most parents on the thread insisted their children were happy with 50/50.