To fight 5050 custody?

[TrucksTrains]

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

I think this is a good point. You’re saying that 50/50 isn’t fair on the children, but I think you really mean that you think they should be with you for the majority of the time.

OP, I know you’re at the start of a daunting (and potentially scary) process and I totally understand your fear when it comes to your children. Do surround yourself with people who can support you and give you grounding advice. Wishing you well.

So if god forbid, you died, would you prefer your children to live with someone else and not their father because he’s not capable?

if the answer to that is that you would want your kids to live with their father then you ABU.

if your reasoning is that kids should have one main home then are you willing to make that sacrifice and only have your kids EOW?

you need to acknowledge that your feelings are becoming from fear and panic at not having your kids 50% of the time.

I have shared my boy 50/50 with his father for the past 10 years, from 5 onwards and it works. And TRUST ME he is an incapable and useless man, but love is far more important and my son can see with his own eyes now how much I do by comparison.

@QueefQueen80s That is true. I'm always surprised how competent he can be sometimes when I have to go out for the day....when I'm there he acts like making dinner is rocket science. I guess it's a risk though isn't it. As he also does things like nap on the sofa all day, give them crisps for breakfast, ignore them on his phone if he's feeling "tired". So I'd hope he steps up but if he doesn't I can't accept the kids growing up in that environment 50% of their lives. I woukd have to stay.

We have the DSC 50:50 with DH’s ex. Been this way for 6 years. Now they are teens DH and his ex regularly check in with them that they’re still happy and both kids say they’d hate to not see either parent for more than a week. And my DH couldn’t imagine being an EOW dad. Initially his ex hated it, but she quite quickly saw how she was able to use the time to have her own life. It can be a blessing.

That's unlikely to be how it works though ... you trial a separation, he is crap with the kids, you move back in.

More likely he will move on quickly, possibly outsource the kids to a new partner.

The best thing for your children is to know they have 2 reliable parents who love them & are there for them. Let your husband create that situation if you possibly can.

It seems to be the norm now.Days of Dad working ,Mums at home largely passed by.We know of someone whose DH is wealthy ,owns several properties and went for 50/50 .Got it and has avoided any maintenance at all!

Might add I don’t provide childcare or do any child related tasks. Just to intercept the sexist “he got a new wife who does it all” mentality. I love my DSC but their day-to-day care is DH’s job, not mine (unless I offer).

Would you consider nesting? IMO that's gold standard if you're putting the children first. I agree shunting them between two houses 50/50 is definitely not best for them.

50/50 Is usually best for the parents not the children.

As child I didn't like 50/50 but had no say in it, even if I did I wouldn't have said anything because that would mean one parent thinking I wanted to see them less. Please think carefully about what works best for the children rather than what's fairer for parents

I have 50/50 as do most of my friends. Works for all of us.

I think 50/50 is only in the interest of the parents. Many adults would hate to have to move half of their time and not have a main home yet expect children to do it. Often it is used as a way to get out of maintenance.

@Silvergoldandglitter and the kids like it?

@ItsNotRocketSalad yes I definitely would do that. I'm not bothered about staying in the family home the whole time, I'm bothered that the kids feel they have a family home. So yes I'd go stay in a flat 50% of the time if it meant the kids staying in their bedrooms and being next to the school.

We do 60/40 and it works really well

I'd push for nesting then. As it sounds like you're by far the higher earner, your ex might go for it as it means he gets to stay in the nice big family home 50% of the time.

For everyone saying it works well - do they mean the kids like it?

I think it wholly depends on the individual situation. My dh is an excellent and very competent parent and I completely trust him to care for our dc, but there are multiple reasons why we could not do 50/50 if we split. People on mumsnet can only comment about their own situation - there is not a global example of what is best for an individual family in these circumstances.

@ItsNotRocketSalad yeah he might well do. He's got hate me with all his might though so might be hard to communicate with him.

I can imagine it would be pretty weird for us but would be least disruptive for small kids.

I very much disagree with this. 50/50 is about being fair to the parents, it's not about the kids who then have to relocate every week. You couldnt' find many adults willing to do that.

OP, I think if you think it would be unsettling for the children then challenge it. Speak to a lawyer, they will be best placed to offer advice. Anecdotally noone I know has 50/50 except my sister in Sweden which is the most gender equal society I know.

OP I totally get where you're coming from, I agree with the stable base and that the kids are still very young. 70/30 or similar might be better, or no overnights for a while? Not sure how these things are negotiated.

What I would say though is he will HAVE to step up when you're not there and you might be surprised - he might become a much better dad through having to be more hands on and realising how hard it really is to slog through the tough parts.

And on these threads all the people sayng 50/50 works well are parents. Most children who have actually done it (my younger self included), disagree.

Not at all. I split with my ex when DS was 10 months old. 50/50 would absolutely not have been in DS's best interests at that age, when I had been the primary caregiver his whole life. Every case is different.

Totally depends on how the children feel.

50/50 can definitely work in some families, not necessarily in others. What the adults want shouldn't even be a factor, it should be done on the basis of what's best for the children.

I assume he’s ducking out of so much because you’re doing it for him. That’s not a criticism, it’s just a fact. If you’re not there to do it, he’ll probably step it up and if he doesn’t then you can re-visit the arrangement.

50/50 is clearly the fairest option where logistics allow for it (for kids and parents).

My DSD likes it, we always check in with her about it. It's just completely normal for her now though so she doesn't think twice about it.

It only works if both parents put their own feelings aside though and communicate properly. DH and his ex are pretty amicable and it all works well. DSD is a very happy child.