To fight 5050 custody?

[TrucksTrains]

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

My ex is useless and sends the kids back scruffy, smelly and with unbrushed teeth and hair. 50/50 would NOT be in the best interests of my children. He has them eow and that is what is best.

There's growing evidence to say this is untrue.

Yes healthy relationships and time spent with both parents is the best thing but children benefit from stability and one base to call home. I certainly wouldn't want to be constantly moving backwards and forwards all the time not to mention potential long travelling distances. It's unfair and disruptive.

In terms of avoiding potential for upheaval, and your children feeling settled in one main home but with equal access to both parents, the 50:50 can be waking hours but not necessarily overnights. This is what exH and I have always done since separating when DS was 7, so DS will go to exH's after school on the one or two days a week that exH works from home, and he's there for dinner and 3 or 4 hours, but will be dropped back with me to hang out for an hour or so before bed. He only actually sleeps at exH's for two nights per week, and until age 10, it was just Saturday nights.

For this to work though, you need to get on well, for the financial arrangements to not be a source of tension, and preferably live fairly close. We expect things might become more fluid as DS is now a teen. He does prefer to see me every day though, even just for a quick cuddle and chat, whereas his dad has always worked part of the week away, so he's never seen him every single day.

It also helps that we've never needed childcare as I've always, and exH partly, worked from home, so there's always been lots of time to share.

I don't think 50/50 is best for young children, though also EOW isn't best for young children either as that's too long to go without seeing their other parent. Something like one week they go the weekend and the next week the monday and tuesday, or EOW with several evenings with the non-resident parent inbetween.

50/50 can work well for older children so long as the parents live near enough to each other that the children can go independently between them if they forget something or just want a hug from the other parent, so maybe 8/9+

With older teens they should be allowed to choose themselves how long they spend with each parent

It's not standard by any means.

Everyone in my social circle does the EOW and half the holidays.

My ex asked for 50/50 and the judge said no. I had always been the primary carer and they look to keep the status quo where possible as its better for the children.

Disagree with this wholeheartedly. You POV only works if both parents are fully committed to making things as smooth as possible for dc - that means two sets of everything from clothing to games consoles. It simply isn't fair to expect young kids to pack up their whole lives every single week. And ensuring clubs can be attended, social lives can still go on as normal (not easy to conduct friendships if parents live quite far apart especially as kids get older and want to go out on their own).

Even in the best possible scenarios I'm not sure it's something I'd want for my dc. I wouldn't want to up and move to another home every week, why should they?

My parents divorced and I'm so glad my dad didn't push for 50/50. EOW was plenty - not all dads are created equal...

My close friend was in a 50/50 arrangement and totally hated it, they said they didn't feel secure/at home anywhere.

We split when our child was 18 months. Dad never liked doing weekends as blamed work and social life. Now he's got a gf our child stays 2 set nights a week and about 1 in 5 weekends. It's not alot but if he doesn't want more I'm not going to force it. It must be awful for a child to be somewhere their parent doesn't want them

Does he want 50/50? If he finds parenting hard, its likely he won't want that. I don't think you can even begin to make plans until you find out what he wants and then you can begin to compromise. The best option for children is 2 parents who are willing to be flexible and meet their needs but also some structure to access. It may not even get to court if you can agree something between yourselves and that is what is best for the children.

I know PP has already said this, but the principal consideration is what is in the children's best interests. Hopefully as parents you will be able to discuss and agree on this

My DC definitely needed a primary base with me as exH has no parenting skills and didn't want to learn, DC have SEN, and exH lives too far from school and in too small a home to have the DC on school nights.

However, if you can co-parent well and both live close to school/nursery then 50:50 is a good solution for everyone. It is very hard work to do it well, needs respect on all sides and good communication all the time.

You need to talk through what's right for your family, and consider all the options.

You may also find that once you're into single parenthood, you may need more breaks then you think. Its hard to date and have a social life when you're a single parent and they are just having them EOW.

I know a few divorced couples who have agreed to 50/50 splits and from what I have observed (from the outside) it has worked as both parents, despite the emotional trauma of the divorce, have managed to cooperate. Yes it was tough at first but the benefits have been enormous and after a few years there was a great deal flexibility and goodwill insofar as accommodating business trips, holidays etc.

Conversely I have seen some spectactular long drawn out shitfights lasting several years where the ex wife has demanded more then 50/50 because of some outdated notion that 'the children should be with the mother' no matter how competent, hands on and loving the father is. The children certainly don't win in this scenario.

I agree. There are loads of other options. We do roughly 60/40 but also have things like both sharing the lifts for activities, and sometimes one child staying with me for a night while the other is at their dad's. We're also flexible around work commitments etc. I've seen others rigidly stick to 50/50 and have to have all sorts of complex childcare arrangements on top so sure they technically spend equal time under their parents' watch but they are not necessarily with the parent all the time but at after school clubs etc.

Surely the least disruptive thing for the kids is to roughly stick to the childcare pattern already established if at all possible.

The answers to "What is best for the kids?" May be one answer now but different when they are a little older

Kids and parents deserve a strong bond. This requires investment and give n take by parents.

You may need to loosen your ties slightly to allow for it.

It won't be easy whatever is decided.

Can you afford to live in separate homes close together? This makes 50/50 work much more easily. Same village or part of the town. Both walking distance to school so same friends, shops, parks, library and GP.

I know parents still sharing a house as it is not affordable to run 2 homes post split.

I know of another family planning to keep the family home and purchase / rent a flat nearby. The kids will stay in the same home and the parents will move between the 2 locations. It means having a closer tie between ex's but keeps the kids stability.

It means keeping the split very amicable!

Good luck. Are you sure you want divorce? Would a trial separation and some marriage therapy be helpful first? (Apologies if you have already tried this)

@SpringerLink my scenario sounds likes yours. But it takes exH to accept this reality? A lot of that is subjective..solicitor told me my assertion my H has "no parenting skills for ND child" isn't relevant as is my just my opinion.

If you were only concerned about the children, having them stay in the family home and the parents swapping in and out would be the best solution. It’s likely to be an absolute nightmare for the parents though.

My exH and I are separated and currently have a shared care arrangement in place...not quite 50/50, but close enough. He has DD from Sunday lunchtime until Wednesday when I pick her up from his after work (about 5.15pm). Unfortunately, as I work full time (Monday - Friday 8.30 - 4.30) I only really get to spend 1 full day with DD, so recently started having DD until about 6pm every 2nd Sunday so I can spend 2 full days with her (Sunday mornings were basically spent getting her ready to go out and meet exH at church to do handover, so no quality time really). He's now not happy with this as I'm not 'replenishing' the hours I'm now taking away from him earlier in the week.

There's also a backstory with my ex as well in that, I'm leaving because of domestic abuse (emotional and coercive control). I'm living with my mum (who helps me out majorly with childcare) but still paying rent on the house my ex now lives in as he doesn't work, hasn't attempted to look for work but is waiting on a UC claim coming through.

I also do all of DD's admin. For example, she recently needed a repeat prescription for her eczema cream. Instead of popping into the GP surgery (which is literally a 3 minute walk from the house he's still living in), he expected me to do it and kept saying things like "I told you she needed more cream"....err, just do it yourself! Of course I did it as DD needed her cream (she still had a bit left in the tube we had) but just the fact that he wants to spend more time with his DD but isn't willing to do basic things like put in for a repeat prescription! I've just decided to do all the admin as he doesn't do it.

Anyway, I'm ranting. In many cases, it can work...but I also agree with those saying it's good for a child to have a single place of residence where they wake up and go to sleep etc...also for the sake of putting the child's address on forms.
Let's face it, even if it was a perfect 50/50 split through the week (each parent gets 3.5 days with DC), there are still an odd number of days/nights in a week, so the child will always be spending one night extra with one parent.

If he was a good dad and wanted 50/50 I'd probs not push for him to have less unless I would be happy to be in that same situation and only have them 25% of the time.

Sometimes it's better for the kids to spend the majority of the time with their mum but tbh I feel like there are also plenty of women who just want to have their cake and eat it.

Step mum here that’s done the whole court saga.

Solicitors will fight for 50/50 because they have their clients interests in mind. Expert witnesses such as child counsellors, etc will tell you that 50/50 isn’t fair on the kids.

Children need a home, they need routine and stability. The one we spoke with didn’t even believe every other Christmas was fair on the children, they should wake up in their “main home” and be allowed to have expectations and traditions.

Personally, I would advise living near each other so that NRP can do EOW and a night or so in the week too. Even if it’s going for tea after school but not sleeping over.

Building a bond isn’t based on how long a child stays with that parent, it’s a about consistency/frequency of seeing them. For example, a child will build a better bond from seeing someone one night a week for a month than having a block of 5 nights once a month. IYSWIM

My opinion didn't matter, but psychologist reports stating that 2 of the 3 DC needed to live primarily with me were enough to convince my exH to drop the 50:50 demands. That and the reality that the DC wouldn't even stay 3 nights with him before absconding or calling me to pick them up...

We had to live through some tough times to get to the 12/2 schedule we have now. But it's working for us, for now.

I don't think there is any one way that is "best" for the kids. I think in an ideal world where we don't actually live, what is "best" is two parents together who love each other etc etc.

Best in a situation with separated parents will differ from child to child, some thrive from having a base, others will want equal time.

I think it can be very hard to separate what is best for your children and what is actually more about you as well.

I lived with my mum during the week and my dad at the weekends and it worked pretty well. I would have hated not to have seen one of them for weeks at a time. I would have preferred to stay at each house longer, one week on one week off preferably but they never asked me.

Notamum12345577 This is true in theory of course,However the couple I knew of ,had a high earning wealthy father .Mum was working in a reasonably well paid job.However the Dad here did not contribute at all, or a very small amount here and there . The Mum ended up a lot worse off! IMO the UK courts seem very much to favour wealthy men even now

Such cases of friendly terms don't end up in court.

I think what is actually best for the kids is for them to remain in the family home and the parents do 50/50. It does have a name - somthing to do with birds or nests!
Basically the parents either rent a small place for the parent that is not on duty to stay in or both parents have thier own seperate places and then when it is thier time with the kids they stay in the family home.
This manes the kids have everything they need, dont need to worry they have left sports kit or fav teddy at the other parents.

I guess its also financially better than both parents having to maintain a house big enough for the kids?

you would have to get on with the ex though and be certain they woulod also keep up withhousework etc on thier time.