To fight 5050 custody?

[TrucksTrains]

I am planning to leave DH. I have been reading threads about divorce etc.

Is 5050 really the starting point these days? I do most of everything for the kids but he's a fairly responsible type who loves his kids (albeit he's a grumpy dad type who ducks the hard stuff but guess that's because I step up).

Kids are young (pre school and early primary).

Is it fair to fight 5050 as its just for fair on the kids? I just dont agree with 5050. I would hate to live in 2 homes. They say its what best for the kids but isn't 5050 to keep the parents happy really?

My close family tell me 5050 is rare but not according to MN.

I want to fight 5050 but is that unfair? Is there even any point? I don't know if I can go through with it if that us the reality of the situation

There are more alternatives to 50:50 than EOW! An arrangement which ensures the DV see the non-resident parent every week for 2 or 3 nights can work really well. Especially if those 2-3 nights are not just weekend days eg Sunday - Tuesday or Thursday - Saturday.

They get their home “base” with one parent, regular contact with the other and both parents are doing some school runs / taking some responsibility for “child admin”. It does take a bit of coordination, but all shared arrangements do.

Good Luck op, it’s so difficult to navigate x

For my friends who have this arrangement, the annoying thing is that 50/50 means no maintenance, but often doesn't mean 50% of the work and 50% of the expense. Often the mums are still running around trying to organise everything and make sure the kids don't miss out, and their lives are made harder by having to deal with a subpar coparent. But tbf this is usually where a previously uninvolved father pushes for 50/50 to avoid maintenance and then doesn't really care if the kids miss out. I think that's different from fathers who care about their kids and want the best for them, but who lazily push their responsibilities onto the other parent because they can... here, 50/50 may make them step up and become better parents.

I personally don't believe 50/50 is best. It's more for the parent than the child let's be honest here.

The parent doesn't have to shuttle between 2 homes, rearrange social activities because they have to be at a different home, have 2 sets of everything, not feeling settled in more than one place for 7 days at a time, enforced separation from a parent a week at a time

I wont be doing 50/50 unless a judge forces me - hand my kids over to a man who has done no dinner times, bath times, bed times, night wakings? Absolutely not

I can think of five couples I know who have split and none of them do 50/50. All busy, career types. The more involved dads do tend to see the kids mid-week for a dinner or activity to catch up, but otherwise the mum has them.

Not all men are like your ex though. Some are loving fathers who are very involved.

Fine, 50/50 won't work for you but it will and does for some families.

Yes kids are all happy. They wouldn't be happy with a half hearted relationship with one of the parents if they saw them EOW .

Unless your husband is a total deadbeat, you should want 50:50 for the benefit of the children. The fact that you currently do everything aside, why do you think you deserve the children more?

My friend split up with her now ex-husband and split custody of their son 50:50. He did one week with her and one week with him. They each paid for him whenever he was with them and any costs like school uniforms or trips, etc, they just split equally between them.

It was a very civilised split though and they've remained on good terms since.

Their son is very close to both his parents and still, even at the age of 25, splits his time between his parents' houses.

But, ultimately, you'd have to have a discussion with your husband about what he wants. He might not even ask for 50:50, but ask yourself whether you'd want to get in to a court battle if he did ask for it?

Even if it started out as 50:50, if he's really rubbish at life admin, etc, he might change his mind. Or, as @QueefQueen80s says, he might just take it as a kick up the backside and become a better dad off the back of it, which is definitely in the kids' best interests.

It really does depend on the individual circumstances whether 50:50 is best. Some kids will find the constant back and forth destabilising. They need a stable base. Some will struggle with coping with different parenting styles.Realistically for 50:50 to work well the parents need to live close by so kids can pop between two when older and can still see friends. Parents need to get on and both need to be actually doing 50:50 of everything.
It would never of worked for my eldest as his father lacks the capacity to parent a ND child. Even professionals have told him he lacks the basic understanding of DC needs. Obviously he knows best so he didn’t do anything about it.

Most single parent families I know, the kids see their dads every other weekend. I've only known two dad's fight for 50/50, but this fizzled out within months. When they realised they couldn't work full time, and have the kids for half the week. Quite often they'd complain that they didn't have any free time!

Surely kids would be back and forth regardless? The argument that 50/50 is bad because it is upheaval for the kids doesn't really work as the reality is there will be upheaval anyway by going 2 nights a week or EOW.

Well it isn’t really avoiding it, he has them half the time, half the costs. She is ‘avoiding’ it just as much

What’s better for the kids in a divorce is two parents who can still generally get along afterwards.

If your soon to be ex is a shit parent he might initially demand 50/50 to spite you but won’t be likely to stay with it, as if he’s a lazy half arsed parent 50/50 will be too much effort for him and you’ll have them back more often anyway. If he’s a decent, committed and involved dad then 50/50 will work out fine for the kids.

Just try and get along as best you can in the process, whatever is arranged will be the kids norms anyway.

Given how many women on this clearly say they would NEVER entertain the idea of 50/50 I don't think you can really make the assumptions that all dads are lazy and don't want their kids because it clashes with their free time.

Equally I know a lovely man trying to get more time with his children because going from seeing them every single day to EOW is utterly devastating. As it is for any decent parent.

Of thd people I know who have separated, none have ever gone 50/50. Not sure how it would work with working unless they earn enough for childcare. Situations I have seen, majority of the time the mum has them most of the time, either doesn’t work outside the house or is part time, and the dad works full time and pays maintenance.

In my personal experience it’s luck of the draw with the judge you get. DH wanted 50/50 with his children and he had done the bulk of the parenting during the marriage and was and is an excellent father. CAFCASS proved the mother was emotionally manipulating the children and causing parental alienation but he still only got every other weekend. This was 5 years ago now though so things may have changed in that time

50:50 isn’t always best. The children want to have a ‘home’ rather than shuttling between houses. My teen DD had a meltdown during GCSEs as it was too much for her to keep travelling with all her schoolwork, revision books, musical instruments etc. For that period she ended up doing a week at each parents house to feel more settled.

Whereas DS was just here, there, going where he liked. This has morphed into 1 night at dad’s, rest of the week at my house. DD is more structured but will spend more time at my house. So it’s interesting- as they’ve got older they’ve chosen to spend more time at one house (my house and I don’t have the huge marital home - just pets, snacks and I’m around more for them)

Just to add to what I've already said up thread. If you don't think 50/50 is suitable have you spoken to their Dad? What does he think?

It doesn't necessarily have to be a fight, try and work something out that works for everybody. IME fighting amongst yourselves will be the absolute worst things for the kids regardless of the custody arrangements.

Ime 50/50 is rare. The ones I know are self employed so can work round the kids or they have a new partner look after the kids so that they can continue working their old jobs.

While I totally agree with you about men previously doing little childcare wanting 50/50 he could argue in court that he could have more than 50%

Does he have free childcare from family ? The cost of childcare will probably be more than maintenance and if he's easily annoyed by the kids then he may be unlikely to want 50:50.

My kids chose 50/50 themselves. It was really important to them that they split their time equally, but everyone is different.

It also cemented the 'two homes' rather than one home and being a visitor somewhere, they treat each house as their home. As they've got older, this has relaxed a bit and they choose where they want to be, come and go as they please because it's home.

As a parent, the benefit is getting a break. Being solely responsibly for children for the majority of the time is pretty draining.

Why can't you have a full time job and the children 50%? Lots of single mums work full time and have the children 100%. Just use childcare like most people.

BIL used to be a bit of a useless parent, SIL did it all from when the kids were young. When they split she insisted they do a fair share each and he has stepped up (no choice!). There was a lot of pizza in the beginning but they were fortunate that finances were healthy and so they were able to live separately but near to each other. A few years down the line the girls are 12 and 10 and things are going well I believe and they don't mind having two houses. It won't suit all parents and it won't suit all kids. You need to talk to each other about it and be realistic about what's possible.

My dc have roughly 60/40… it’s become closer to 50/50 as they get older. For us, it’s healthy and works well.

As someone who didn’t have much of a relationship with my dad, I feel strongly that it’s really important to have equal relationships with both parents. He will have to step up if he wants 50/50. He’ll have to be a parent. And if he does that, it will be better for the children. In your absence, he won’t be able to duck out and will have to find his own way of parenting, and they will have to accept him as caregiver. It could really strengthen their bond.

if he isn’t capable of doing this, 50/50 won’t last long anyway.

That's absolutely not true in all cases. Every child is different, their needs are different, their parents are different, their relationships with each parent are different. You just cannot make a blanket statement about what's best for all children.

FWIW my nephew coped horribly with 50/50 contact and both parents ultimately agreed it was not in his best interests. He felt that he didn't have a "proper home" and was bouncing from place to place constantly. He needed the stability of a main residence. He also needed to spend the majority of his time with the person who had been his primary carer for his whole life up until the separation.

I only know of one family who have 50/50 contact and they do four days each on a rolling schedule. They've been separated since their son was a baby so it's all he's ever known. Every other separated couple I know, mum has the child/children for most of the time and dads have EOW and a couple of evenings in the week.

I’ll be honest speaking from experience. 50/50 is horrible. A child’s life is essentially ripped completely in half and they are not really 100% part of neither family.

But what is the alternative? No parent is going to allow the other to have the bulk of the access even though it would give the child a stable home and family (with e.g EOW visits to the other parent).

Basically it is shit but you don’t have a leg to stand on. Ducking out of basic parenting responsibilities that you pick up isn’t going to fly in court.

@helpfulperson is your comment directed to me?

I already work full time and have childcare in place. I'm confused by your comment. Or is it to someone else?