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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond untruthfully to this message

127 replies

Thepolitepink · 19/06/2023 03:26

I play a sport which has quite a close community where I live (not U.K.). Recently there was some controversy in the community where a man treated a much younger, female newcomer badly (verbally intimidated her) and then made her life difficult for a while after she spoke up. It was horrendous.

I was very involved in supporting her when this unfolded. I never confronted him directly during this time, just because it was agreed that another person would lead the charge.

The guy involved isn’t particularly well respected anyway within the community.

The nature of the sport is such that there is no governing body, so he couldn’t be ‘kicked out’. We each play alone (think athletics) but get together at different places for trainings etc.

I rarely encounter him as I play at a higher level, but recently saw him at an event and ignored him.

He messaged me today (very politely) asking if there was an issue as he noted I’d ignored him.

I really really don’t want any drama and I’d usually just say everything was fine, but that would be extremely dishonest. His behaviour during the whole thing was absolutely awful.

On the other hand, the whole episode that involved him was so stressful for the whole community, that I really don’t want to open another can of worms. He isn’t someone who would take criticism well.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond, or even if I should.

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 03:31

Sounds awful.

I would block his number and continue cooly ignore / ‘grey rock’ him - not in an ostentatious, high drama way, just as if you haven’t seen him.

Nothing good will come of engaging with him, and he can’t pull you up for not noticing / responding to him.

CoffeeAndEnnui · 19/06/2023 03:32

For the avoidance of doubt - and to cut short any 'his side' BS - I would be blunt and say, I was extremely uncomfortable with the (hobby episode) and the way you subsequently conducted yourself. There is no reason for us to interact and I would prefer that you not contact me like this again.

Codlingmoths · 19/06/2023 03:33

Why do you think he messaged you? He cannot not know his behaviour was polarising and many people judge him, it seems like a way of trying to intimidate you into interacting normally with him Ie ‘accepting’ him? If you think this then you just reply to the point.
I am sure you are aware that there is an issue. I thought your behaviour regarding <other person> appalling and I just don’t wish to engage with someone who could behave like that.

CoffeeAndEnnui · 19/06/2023 03:35

Ordinarily, I would agree about grey rock technique but he obviously knows there is a high chance that you are reacting to his actions and since he has form for intimidating a woman, I think I would slap him down on this occasion. Then block.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2023 03:36

I would just block him. You don’t have to reply.

MustYou · 19/06/2023 03:36

I’d ignore the message. He doesn’t sound like someone you can reasonably interact with and he probably should have a very good idea why you wouldn’t want to interact with him.

You owe him nothing and it’s confrontational for him to push you. He noticed you ignored him and then thought ‘I’ll contact her directly’ so overrode your clear wishes. More boundary pushing warning signs from a man you already know can’t be trusted. Would there ever be a reason why you’d need to communicate with him directly?

If he persists (or just anyway), could you talk to the original person that dealt with him last time? I’d think of blocking him too.

ContinuousProcrastination · 19/06/2023 03:51

Grey rock

Or if you prefer to reply, just say you are a friend of the uoung woman. That's all you need to say.

CharlieRight · 19/06/2023 04:04

As @Codlingmoths said.
There's no doubt he is aware that his behavior is viewed as unacceptable by most of the community and he is trying to put you on the spot - hoping that you will say the "polite" thing

It is a form of intimidation and you must stand up to it by telling him his behavior was disgraceful and you do not want to have anything to do with him.

FortofPud · 19/06/2023 04:21

Gosh you have a bunch of different responses and they all make sense in different ways! I think the bottom line is that you don't have to get drawn into any sort of conversation with him just because he demands it of you. It might be a genuine query on his part, but given his previous behavior he might enjoy confrontation and making people (women?) feel put on the spot and small. Don't feel pressured to have to dance to his tune unless you actually want to let him know xyz. So on balance i think I might ignore. The great thing about ignoring is the other person can never be fully certain that you received their message even if they think you probably are blanking them!

MissTrip82 · 19/06/2023 04:22

You don’t need to ‘stand up to him’ or ‘slap him down’ and in fact I’m very surprised that posters experienced in dealing with aggressive men think either of those things will help.

I’d ignore and block. You don’t owe him an explanation, you don’t want to get into a he said/she said argument about specifics and you don’t need to be involved with him.

LittleEsme · 19/06/2023 04:24

He sounds very unpleasant.
I'd reply with the suggestions above and then block.

Have you friends in this circle that you can talk to about this? Someone who attends these meet-ups with you?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 04:30

It is a form of intimidation and you must stand up to it by telling him his behavior was disgraceful and you do not want to have anything to do with him.

I suspect this has been suggested as it is assumed he will recoil with his tail between his legs, chastised, and prompted to employ the self-reflection of a reasonable person, who considers the errors of his ways and makes amends.

He obviously won’t do any of these things.

So engaging - let alone telling him off - will only end badly for the OP.

Completely ignoring someone like this is going to get to him far more.

KEG973 · 19/06/2023 04:30

I would reply “you know why. Don’t contact me again.”

StellaLaBella · 19/06/2023 04:31

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 04:30

It is a form of intimidation and you must stand up to it by telling him his behavior was disgraceful and you do not want to have anything to do with him.

I suspect this has been suggested as it is assumed he will recoil with his tail between his legs, chastised, and prompted to employ the self-reflection of a reasonable person, who considers the errors of his ways and makes amends.

He obviously won’t do any of these things.

So engaging - let alone telling him off - will only end badly for the OP.

Completely ignoring someone like this is going to get to him far more.

^this

Vesuviusbeats · 19/06/2023 04:39

Yes, ignore. He doesn't get to demand explanations and attention from you, and telling him the truth will involve stress for you and is unlikely to make him reform.

Murdoch1949 · 19/06/2023 04:40

I would agree to meet him, with another club member, and explain what you felt he had done wrong. How will this man learn to moderate his behaviour if he is never pulled up over it. If he decides to ignore you, sobeit, but you have tried.

Sugargliderwombat · 19/06/2023 04:50

He knows why. I'd block him.

Elderflower14 · 19/06/2023 05:26

KEG973 · 19/06/2023 04:30

I would reply “you know why. Don’t contact me again.”

Which of course means he will!!

MattDillonsEyebrows · 19/06/2023 05:46

My advice is to be truthful, that puts the blame squarely on him. Something along the lines of:

‘Unfortunately I’ve seen how you react to certain situations/people and I’m wary as it could happen to any woman including me. I don’t want any drama so I decided it best to say nothing to you in case you react badly’

He’s not going to acknowledge he was in the wrong, these men never do, so you need to be aware he’ll get huffy and then blame you and the og victim, but it’s definitely more satisfying to tell the truth.

MintJulia · 19/06/2023 05:47

CoffeeAndEnnui · 19/06/2023 03:32

For the avoidance of doubt - and to cut short any 'his side' BS - I would be blunt and say, I was extremely uncomfortable with the (hobby episode) and the way you subsequently conducted yourself. There is no reason for us to interact and I would prefer that you not contact me like this again.

This. Polite but clear and cold.

Bogeyes · 19/06/2023 05:50

Is he looking for another victim?

FabFitFifties · 19/06/2023 05:57

Do not engage - block.

IglesiasPiggl · 19/06/2023 05:59

He is trying to intimidate you into smoothing over the whole episode. Whilst it's extremely tempting to engage, he already knows why you blanked him, so ignore his message. Block if he messages you again.

Fraaahnces · 19/06/2023 06:00

Can’t you just say “Please don’t contact me again.”? And leave it hanging? You’re under no obligation to answer him.

Cailin66 · 19/06/2023 06:01

MissTrip82 · 19/06/2023 04:22

You don’t need to ‘stand up to him’ or ‘slap him down’ and in fact I’m very surprised that posters experienced in dealing with aggressive men think either of those things will help.

I’d ignore and block. You don’t owe him an explanation, you don’t want to get into a he said/she said argument about specifics and you don’t need to be involved with him.

This