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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond untruthfully to this message

127 replies

Thepolitepink · 19/06/2023 03:26

I play a sport which has quite a close community where I live (not U.K.). Recently there was some controversy in the community where a man treated a much younger, female newcomer badly (verbally intimidated her) and then made her life difficult for a while after she spoke up. It was horrendous.

I was very involved in supporting her when this unfolded. I never confronted him directly during this time, just because it was agreed that another person would lead the charge.

The guy involved isn’t particularly well respected anyway within the community.

The nature of the sport is such that there is no governing body, so he couldn’t be ‘kicked out’. We each play alone (think athletics) but get together at different places for trainings etc.

I rarely encounter him as I play at a higher level, but recently saw him at an event and ignored him.

He messaged me today (very politely) asking if there was an issue as he noted I’d ignored him.

I really really don’t want any drama and I’d usually just say everything was fine, but that would be extremely dishonest. His behaviour during the whole thing was absolutely awful.

On the other hand, the whole episode that involved him was so stressful for the whole community, that I really don’t want to open another can of worms. He isn’t someone who would take criticism well.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond, or even if I should.

OP posts:
Hoaryragwort · 19/06/2023 06:05

“After the recent episode with x, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate further”

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2023 06:07

Hoaryragwort · 19/06/2023 06:05

“After the recent episode with x, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate further”

And then block.

He knows why, he's trying to recruit and relying on #BeKind to do it

Lacucuracha · 19/06/2023 06:07

If the community is aware of how awful he is, then I think pretending everything is fine plays in his hands.

It sounds like you won’t get ostracised if you block him or send him @CoffeeAndEnnui ’s message, and it might help other women if more people stop engaging with him.

However, you should not do more than you’re comfortable with.

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/06/2023 06:08

Another vote for ignore and block. He’s baiting you to try and get a response.

LemonDrizzle10 · 19/06/2023 06:08

I would not respond to his message and I’d not delete it or block him. I’d hope he’d send no further messages but if he did I’d show them to the person who led the charge previously.

Campervangirl · 19/06/2023 06:10

It's a difficult one because if you reply it leaves you open to him replying trying to justify himself, if you block he may try to talk to you in person.
If you don't reply at all he again may try to talk to you in person which could be really uncomfortable.
I'd reply and say "the situation with X made me very uncomfortable so I'm taking a step back, I'd appreciate it if you could respect my wishes"
No need to block him as that could be inflammatory but don't read or reply to any further messages.
If he then tries to speak to you in person repeat the above and walk away.

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2023 06:22

As others have said, he knows or has a very good idea why you’re ignoring him and he’s testing the waters to see who is prepared to “play nice” and who is not.

Ignoring and/or blocking him is perfectly reasonable but if there’s nothing he can do except put on a big huff at your response then I’d be direct and say “Your behaviour towards X has made me too uncomfortable to continue our acquaintance.”

He probably won’t learn anything from it, but multiple people setting hard boundaries for the behaviour they’re not prepared to tolerate is the only thing that sometimes does cause jerks like this to rein it in.

MRex · 19/06/2023 06:31

I would do the single message, then block. It may not be sensible, but I would prefer that to him approaching me in public. Use as few words as possible e.g. "I did not like your behaviour towards X, and do not want to have any contact from you again."

Daffodilwoman · 19/06/2023 06:38

Either block him straight away or send a blunt message saying after the incident with X I will not be engaging further with you. Don’t attempt to converse with me again. And then block.
If you do see him, ignore him completely.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/06/2023 06:41

Any engagement is fuelling potential drama imo - I would ignore him. You don’t owe him or anyone a response, just ignore.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/06/2023 06:47

The best answer, in these situations, is always no answer.

Eddielizzard · 19/06/2023 06:50

Ignore. There is nothing you can say which will hit the right note.

Seddon · 19/06/2023 06:53

Did you personally witness the incident with the other woman? If not, and you mention it, I fear he's going to go back to her and accuse her of 'slandering' him and 'turning everyone against him' and that nonsense. I'd ignore him.

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2023 06:55

Any engagement is fuelling potential drama imo - I would ignore him.

TBH I think ignoring a message instead of giving a clear, assertive and closed response can fuel drama just as much with these types, as not getting a response can result in them escalating their behaviour in a bid for attention.

Sigmama · 19/06/2023 06:58

It seems pretty unsupportive to his original 'victim' to pretend nothing happened

TheCheeseTray · 19/06/2023 07:00

Bogeyes · 19/06/2023 05:50

Is he looking for another victim?

This block and don’t engage at all

Reugny · 19/06/2023 07:00

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2023 06:55

Any engagement is fuelling potential drama imo - I would ignore him.

TBH I think ignoring a message instead of giving a clear, assertive and closed response can fuel drama just as much with these types, as not getting a response can result in them escalating their behaviour in a bid for attention.

Disagree.

No one has the right to force you to communicate or even acknowledge them if you don't want to.

TheCheeseTray · 19/06/2023 07:01

Sigmama · 19/06/2023 06:58

It seems pretty unsupportive to his original 'victim' to pretend nothing happened

She’s not ignoring it - she’s ignoring him - persona non grata
no engagement
that’s what you do with abusers and narcissists- they like drama and fuel

Reugny · 19/06/2023 07:02

Sigmama · 19/06/2023 06:58

It seems pretty unsupportive to his original 'victim' to pretend nothing happened

Oh he knows he's being ignored by better players and he knows why.

AlisonDonut · 19/06/2023 07:02

Just ignore and block, otherwise you will be next.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 19/06/2023 07:07

I would worry that if just blocked they would try to approach you in person which is worse and far more awkward. I’d agree with a clear and direct message then ignoring.

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2023 07:08

Disagree.

No one has the right to force you to communicate or even acknowledge them if you don't want to.

I agree with you on the second part, but if the OP's aim is to minimise drama then being clear via text message may be preferable to being confronted in person.

MagpiePi · 19/06/2023 07:09

Hoaryragwort · 19/06/2023 06:05

“After the recent episode with x, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate further”

This, but I wouldn’t say, ‘…I think it’s best etc’ I’d say ‘…I don’t wish to communicate with you’ , or ‘…I will not communicate with you further’ It is more assertive and removes any doubt that there is any ‘we’ that he can latch onto.

FlamingoQueen · 19/06/2023 07:11

Block him! If he challenges you about it, just say that you thought he was this weirdo that’s been contacting you on fb, but had just found another way of getting in touch hahaha.

SnapPop · 19/06/2023 07:15

I would just ignore. I think that will annoy him a lot!

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