Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond untruthfully to this message

127 replies

Thepolitepink · 19/06/2023 03:26

I play a sport which has quite a close community where I live (not U.K.). Recently there was some controversy in the community where a man treated a much younger, female newcomer badly (verbally intimidated her) and then made her life difficult for a while after she spoke up. It was horrendous.

I was very involved in supporting her when this unfolded. I never confronted him directly during this time, just because it was agreed that another person would lead the charge.

The guy involved isn’t particularly well respected anyway within the community.

The nature of the sport is such that there is no governing body, so he couldn’t be ‘kicked out’. We each play alone (think athletics) but get together at different places for trainings etc.

I rarely encounter him as I play at a higher level, but recently saw him at an event and ignored him.

He messaged me today (very politely) asking if there was an issue as he noted I’d ignored him.

I really really don’t want any drama and I’d usually just say everything was fine, but that would be extremely dishonest. His behaviour during the whole thing was absolutely awful.

On the other hand, the whole episode that involved him was so stressful for the whole community, that I really don’t want to open another can of worms. He isn’t someone who would take criticism well.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond, or even if I should.

OP posts:
NeverendingCircus · 19/06/2023 09:12

I'd ignore the message but if he contacts you again, say you are a friend of X and he shouldn't need further explanation.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/06/2023 09:15

Agree with @CoffeeAndEnnui. He’s obviously so arrogant he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. He’s trying to worm himself back in with people. You need to make it clear that you consider him to have done wrong and he’s not someone you want to engage with.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/06/2023 09:15

I think I would say something like: the way you behaved to X was appalling. You are right, I did withdraw after that.

When he writes a rant in return, I would just say: this is exactly the sort of thing I meant. Don't even think about starting on me. And then I would block him.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/06/2023 09:15

I would totally ignore and block. Silence is powerful ime.

Helloitsmeimincalifornia · 19/06/2023 09:16

Don't engage. Feels like he may be looking for another person to bully. I hope you're ok.

Energydrink · 19/06/2023 09:22

ignore and block him

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 19/06/2023 09:25

I agree with the poster who said nobody can demand your response to an unsolicited approach.

So I would say block him on social media and ignore, don't respond.

If he then approaches you in person to demand an explanation you could ask him to leave you alone and say you don't like the way he spoke to / treated the young lady and you don't like the way he is bullying you to respond to his message.

LogicVoid · 19/06/2023 09:30

It depends. How confident are you that the incident occurred in exactly the way you believe - were there third party witnesses for example? If this is indeed the case, then it is simple. You do not feed the beastie by responding. Do not delete the text however, in case further attempts to engage become harassing and you need to report.

Hairpinleg · 19/06/2023 09:36

He has no right to demand an explanation from you. He's trying to start up a drama and you'd be indulging him by replying.

Sandra1984 · 19/06/2023 09:43

Don't respond, he'll get the message.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 19/06/2023 09:46

I agree, just block him. Why do you need to provide him with an explanation? Whatever you say he will use against you. Just block and ignore, no-one is obliged to be friendly and he's looking for someone to pick on.

RedHelenB · 19/06/2023 09:50

Does he know you supported the young woman? If not he may well genuinely be confused as to why you're ignoring him now? Id respond once saying you were appalled at the treatment of the young woman and then block.

GrumpyPanda · 19/06/2023 09:52

DelToro · 19/06/2023 07:31

You’ve had some good responses here

I’d ignore or send as MagpiePi has suggested

BUT if you really don’t want to ignore this message and do not want to refer to the previous incident then I would suggest something neutral that doesn’t admit, or deny, doesn’t over explain, and can’t be misrepresented as impolite eg

Hi Bob.

My focus was elsewhere / I was a bit distracted on Tuesday.

Cheers OP

Absolutely don't do this. It would be caving in to a bully, and that's exactly what he wants.

Up to you whether you go with ignore/block or brief concise confrontation/block. Personally I would go with the latter, as in my own experience ignoring will make things worse - but as pp also make obvious, personal experiences vary.

sudo · 19/06/2023 09:54

Hoaryragwort · 19/06/2023 06:05

“After the recent episode with x, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate further”

Perfect!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/06/2023 09:55

Yes I do have an issue with your behaviour and don't consider there is a need for us to be in contact.

then block

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/06/2023 09:56

How does he have your number?

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest OP, you aren't obliged to respond to him or justify the fact you didn't want to speak to him. He knows what he did, there is no way he doesn't. No need to pander to his personality failings.

You've got two options really - block and continue to ignore as you are well within your right to do, without explanation or apology - or respond saying you and many others are very uncomfortable and disturbed by the way he conducted himself and that you do not want to be contacted again.

Either way I'd block him, there's no reason someone who isn't in your personal social circle should be messaging you, let alone when it's unwelcome or unsolicited. Hopefully he will eventually get the message that he is unwanted and piss off entirely.

Somethingsnappy · 19/06/2023 09:57

If you do decide to ignore and block him, is there a chance he might ask you the same question face-to-face if you bump into him again? You'll need to decide how to react if that's a possibility.

GameOverBoys · 19/06/2023 09:59

Block and ignore. He enjoys confrontation and it’s much easier to paint you as the bad guy if you say anything to him.

GameOverBoys · 19/06/2023 10:00

If he asks you in real life just say something along the lines of ‘sorry I‘be just hit to speak to so and so’ or ‘I’m late I just need to rush off’ do not engage

ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 10:05

@Thepolitepink

I would ignore the message.

Any response is feeding the twats ego. Any.

I wouldn't delete the message or block him. See what he does. He's less likely to 'bump into you' if he feels the channel of communication is still open.

If he does approach you in person. Just say 'You know exactly why I'm ignoring you, stop trying to engage me' anything other than him apologising then walking away, say very loudly. GO AWAY & LEAVE ME ALONE.

if he doesn't fuck off...

GO AWAY.
DO I NEED TO CALL THE POLICE?

Lacucuracha · 19/06/2023 10:08

What a surprise that he is now confronting OP, another woman.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/06/2023 10:15

I would honestly continue to ignore him.

DepartureLounge · 19/06/2023 10:16

I'm torn between the excellent response suggested by @CoffeeAndEnnui and just ignoring him. In general, I think assertiveness can almost never be wrong but I also agree with the pp who said "is there an issue" is a bait phrase, and reflexively I wouldn't want to take the bait.

In reality, if it were me, I would probably aim to send the message and then not get around to it, days would go by, the moment would pass, and I'd end up ignoring by default. But on balance, I think responding is better, just because if this should ever escalate (either as regards you or someone else) to the point where the police are involved, they would be looking for examples of him having ignored clear requests to desist.

What a worm.

ScribblingPixie · 19/06/2023 10:21

The most important thing is that you don't reply saying there's no problem. Absolutely don't do that. Personally, I wouldn't reply at all. Ignoring him is still an answer.

zingally · 19/06/2023 10:22

2 strategies, depending on how confident you are with confrontation, and how angry you are.
1: Probably the easiest. Ignore him. He'll work out why. If he pushes, either grey rock him or just blame being very busy, or trying to stay in the zone for your sports mode.
2: Tell him outright. "Hey Bob, yes I did make a point not to interact with you at last weeks event. I was really disappointed and upset to hear about your behaviour towards Amy, and didn't want to risk saying something I might later regret. I think it would be best if we kept our interactions to a minimum moving forward."

People like this only get what they deserve when other people are prepared to stand up and let them know they've been arseholes.