Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respond untruthfully to this message

127 replies

Thepolitepink · 19/06/2023 03:26

I play a sport which has quite a close community where I live (not U.K.). Recently there was some controversy in the community where a man treated a much younger, female newcomer badly (verbally intimidated her) and then made her life difficult for a while after she spoke up. It was horrendous.

I was very involved in supporting her when this unfolded. I never confronted him directly during this time, just because it was agreed that another person would lead the charge.

The guy involved isn’t particularly well respected anyway within the community.

The nature of the sport is such that there is no governing body, so he couldn’t be ‘kicked out’. We each play alone (think athletics) but get together at different places for trainings etc.

I rarely encounter him as I play at a higher level, but recently saw him at an event and ignored him.

He messaged me today (very politely) asking if there was an issue as he noted I’d ignored him.

I really really don’t want any drama and I’d usually just say everything was fine, but that would be extremely dishonest. His behaviour during the whole thing was absolutely awful.

On the other hand, the whole episode that involved him was so stressful for the whole community, that I really don’t want to open another can of worms. He isn’t someone who would take criticism well.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond, or even if I should.

OP posts:
Hidinginaonesie · 19/06/2023 07:21

If you ignore his message, you should definitely be prepared for him to approach you in person next time he sees you. So have an answer ready.
“I’ve ignored you because after the way you treated X, I want to have nothing to do with you”.

CandlelightGlow · 19/06/2023 07:28

I understand the logic behind sending a neutral but clear and honest reply to him, but on the balance of all things I think personally would not respond, however tempting it may be.

The reasons that won out for me were 1) his audacity in thinking he can demand explanation for your behaviour, and 2) I fully believe based on your description that he is gearing up and arming himself for another confrontation with you as the target. And 3) would be I know these people love the drama, attention and engagement so would like the satisfaction of ignoring him.

I know a couple of people who are very confrontational and there are usually key phrases they use in the "reasonable" stage of their attack. One person I know always says "it's no drama but..." 😅His "is there an issue" is definitely one of these bait phrases; it might come across as polite but it is anything but, it is a direct confrontation. Do not engage.

towriteyoumustlive · 19/06/2023 07:30

Don't lie. Dishonest never pays.

I wouldn't block him either as that won't help.

Just be honest and say you were disappointed with his recent behaviour over X so didn't have anything to say to him.

Longlivethebling · 19/06/2023 07:31

How did he get your number? Could you say something like "How did you get my number? This is only to be used for club related reasons, please don't message me personally on my private phone"

DelToro · 19/06/2023 07:31

You’ve had some good responses here

I’d ignore or send as MagpiePi has suggested

BUT if you really don’t want to ignore this message and do not want to refer to the previous incident then I would suggest something neutral that doesn’t admit, or deny, doesn’t over explain, and can’t be misrepresented as impolite eg

Hi Bob.

My focus was elsewhere / I was a bit distracted on Tuesday.

Cheers OP

Trixiefirecracker · 19/06/2023 07:34

I always think bullying should be called out and intimidating someone is definitely a form of bullying so I would make it clear who’s side I am on and that it’s not acceptable.

MillyMollyMango · 19/06/2023 07:37

You can’t reason with the unreasonable. I would ignore and block.

Paq · 19/06/2023 07:41

Another vote for ignore and block.

If he approaches you then tell him that you choose not to interact with him and you don’t owe anyone your time or attention.

SoupDragon · 19/06/2023 07:47

I think send "I'm friends with X" and then block.

Zonder · 19/06/2023 08:06

I think it depends on how he responded to the whole business.

Was he repentant? Did he say yes you're right, I was wrong and try and make amends?

Or did he bluster through like he never did anything wrong?

If the first I would reply and say something mild but not too friendly, and if the second I would probably ignore and maybe block.

Newgirls · 19/06/2023 08:24

Ignore him. Block him.

he is looking for a response that he can use. You don’t know how he might use it. So avoid. You owe him nothing.

bonzaitree · 19/06/2023 08:25

Id ignore the message and speak to your other sport buddies and ask how you, as a group, intend to deal with him going forward if he contacts you.

if you don’t want to reach out to others I personally would ignore and block him on everything. You’re not obliged to respond.

billy1966 · 19/06/2023 08:30

CandlelightGlow · 19/06/2023 07:28

I understand the logic behind sending a neutral but clear and honest reply to him, but on the balance of all things I think personally would not respond, however tempting it may be.

The reasons that won out for me were 1) his audacity in thinking he can demand explanation for your behaviour, and 2) I fully believe based on your description that he is gearing up and arming himself for another confrontation with you as the target. And 3) would be I know these people love the drama, attention and engagement so would like the satisfaction of ignoring him.

I know a couple of people who are very confrontational and there are usually key phrases they use in the "reasonable" stage of their attack. One person I know always says "it's no drama but..." 😅His "is there an issue" is definitely one of these bait phrases; it might come across as polite but it is anything but, it is a direct confrontation. Do not engage.

I completely agree with this.

Ignore him.

He is very ugly and is looking to find another victim.

He knows well why you ignored him.

I would definitely warn others.

He sounds capable of harassment.

Keep his message but do not respond.

His type do not like to be reported to the police, so do not hesitate to involve them should he persist.

MinnieGirl · 19/06/2023 08:30

Talk to the others in the group. It may be that he is trying to worm his way back into the friendship, and others need to know…
I wouldn’t reply to him at all, and would block his number. Just continue to ignore him if you meet up. No need for drama but no need to give him ammunition.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/06/2023 08:30

I would ignore the message. As Newgirls posted, you don't know what he would do with your response and it may lead to a whole bunch of new drama. If he approaches you in person you could say 'I didn't like how you behaved towards X and I'd rather we stayed clear of each other for a while'.

Summerfun54321 · 19/06/2023 08:31

Why would he message you this? Think about it. If he was sorry and embarrassed he would say so in his initial message.

He is looking to harass and intimidate you. Don't give him any fuel, just block and ignore and pretend you didn't even receive a message if he confronts you in person.

billy1966 · 19/06/2023 08:34

Paq · 19/06/2023 07:41

Another vote for ignore and block.

If he approaches you then tell him that you choose not to interact with him and you don’t owe anyone your time or attention.

Also this.

But I would add "stay away from me" loudly so others can hear you.

On that basis I would report him.

He's and angry bully.
You do not need to tolerate him.

Definitely warn other members about his contacting you, which is just more bullying behaviour.

You owe him nothing.

Justchooseone · 19/06/2023 08:35

Definitely don’t send anything that could be construed as smoothing it over in any way. He cannot be allowed to think he can get away with that behaviour.

I suppose what I’m thinking is what do you want to happen after this communication or lack thereof? Do you just never want him to approach you again? If so I would say a clear and closed message as per the examples above would be best. Then it’s up to you if you block, if you do then I think you run the risk of him approaching you in person as he does sound like a massive twat. If you don’t block and he goes off on one over text then you have evidence of further terrible behaviour. Then, if what you want is for him to stop participating, you could take that further.

You say there’s no governing body but someone must be organising spaces for the training, so surely he could be stopped from attending, if he becomes a further problem.

Mirabai · 19/06/2023 08:55

Just ignore him.

Plunkplink · 19/06/2023 08:59

He’s messaged you individually, he’s probably doing it to everyone in the hope that none of you discuss it, that’s how bullies operate. Do you have a group chat that you can respond on?.

weemouse · 19/06/2023 08:59

He knows exactly why you've been avoiding him. I would go with the suggestion from a previous poster;

*I was extremely uncomfortable with the (hobby episode) and the way you subsequently conducted yourself. There is no reason for us to interact and I would prefer that you not contact me like this again."

And if he does respond - ignore it and block

Don't lie for sure - support your friend.

OttoGraph · 19/06/2023 09:00

I would text back

Unfortunately there have been incidents involving you & I want to distance myself from you. Id appreciate if you do not message again.

OrchardBloom · 19/06/2023 09:04

As someone who has been in a very similar situation (safeguarding issue not sport related) I would offer you the same advice that the safeguarding officer dealing with the situation gave me - do not respond! Block!

ejbaxa · 19/06/2023 09:08

I would not respond at all. Because there is nothing that you can say that is true and would be well received.

He is a bully and I would not placate a bully. I’d just leave him. Hasn’t he got a job or life to be getting on with?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 19/06/2023 09:09

CoffeeAndEnnui · 19/06/2023 03:32

For the avoidance of doubt - and to cut short any 'his side' BS - I would be blunt and say, I was extremely uncomfortable with the (hobby episode) and the way you subsequently conducted yourself. There is no reason for us to interact and I would prefer that you not contact me like this again.

Yes. This.

Swipe left for the next trending thread