To not want to believe infertility is happening to me

[ivfregret]

Just that really. 1% of women and I'm it.

I always thought I had been too lucky careerwise the last ten years something bad was going to happen and here it is. Right there.

I post a lot about this sorry for anyone whose bored but noone understands.

I'm not even bothered about having children but it's the fact the choice has been taken away when I even agonised over the choice years before deciding to do it.

No one understands at all and I feel like failure, outcast, weirdo, all rolled up in one.

No idea why I'm posting it's not even for sympathy but just getting it off my mind.

Big unmumsnetty hugs.

Life can deal a shit hand sometimes, it takes time to work through. You are not a failure, an outcast, or whatever. It’s not your fault. It’s just a shitty hand.

It’s shit it really is. Nothing I can say will make you feel better I know - I’ve been through it and going through it again and it’s just shit.

5 years of ttc and surgeries and failed ivf cycles and then finally had ds.
More years of ttc again and just nothing for 2 years then an ectopic pregnancy and now again nothing for the last few months. It’s draining and horrible.

Im sorry you’re going through it

I get it. I've had a shit life and I was like seriously? Another shit hand dealt?!

Totally relate to the control thing. I did manage to have one child but then my H turned out to be a prick whilst we were trying (and failing) to have a second. So now I'm definitely one and done not by choice because he is a prick. As if the struggles to even have one weren't bad enough.

But yes. The lack of control totally resonates. It's so utterly unfair.

It really makes me feel like a loser, I have no idea why.

As if pepppe are judging thinking ah what a sad poor life she has without kids.

Pathetic really that I even care what others think.

And I don't even think I'd enjoy having a child so why does it bother me so much?

Perhaps I need therapy to unpack things

It's so hard, I sympathise. We spend so long trying to avoid pregnancy. It never occurs to us that it may not be easy or straightforward. I was lucky enough to conceive eventually after IVF, but I know this is really tough. I would recommend counselling – definitely helped me.

@Snowdropsarelovely problem is I don't think ivf will help me. It's miscarriage as opposed to inability to conceive.

Did you see fertility counsellor or general one?

I'm so sorry. We are raised in a society where it's assumed all women will become mothers one day which doesn't help.

I was listening to a couple a few days ago and they said they were living life hard before they get tied down with children and it made me angry. Ridiculous I know but I thought how dare they be so entitled about it.

But then I figured by statistics highly likely they'll be in the 99 percent. No one thinks they'll be the 1 percent.

It made me think they were being smug and insensitive - stupid I know but irrational is me right now all over!

It's closer to 17% and is very common just not spoken about a lot for reason I don't understand.

You aren't a failure, a weirdo or an outcast and plenty of people do understand.

The advice of every other thread you have been posting suggested counselling. You need it, most of us impacted did.

It hurts and is difficult to process but once you do it makes such a difference thereafter. You need an outlet for your thoughts instead of just internalising it.

I have recurrent miscarriage the odds for this much lower it's 1 percent @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

Im sure this wont make you feel better, but its not 1%. It is actually a lot more common, something like 20% of women have some sort of infertility.

Im not exactly infertile, but my egg reserve is pretty low for my age, so I would likely have trouble getting pregnant naturally.

You mentioned maybe getting therapy and I think thats a great idea! it would probably help you understand where these feelings are coming from, and maybe get over them.

you are not a failure for having fertility issues. Your fertility does not define you!!

However, you mention miscarriages. Have you seen anyone about it? Thyroid issues can definitely lead to repeat miscarriages.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees did you see a specific infertility counsellor or general one?

I’m also dealing with infertility. My heart goes out to you.

@ASGIRC had many tests I'm booked on to have one last round of testing with one last doctor and will do whatever treatment recommended then that's it. I can't go on after that I must move on

I think sometimes it’s just what us meant to be. If you’re meant to be a mother one day, then it will happen. If you don’t become a mother, then you probably have a different purpose for being here. Life is much more than just reproducing. I hope you can come to peace with your destiny in due course. ❤️

I just saw this article about natalist society this morning and now I e seen your post you should give this a read it might help, it did me. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/psychology-in-the-real-world/202306/the-cruelty-of-natalism?amp

@LilyTuesday but what if you really want to be a mum but it's not happening? It's not a particular comfort when all your friends are getting pregnant to think your destiny is to do something else

That’s a really harsh thing to say. Do you say this about all the women who get pregnant easily but are awful mothers? Who abuse or even kill their children? Your comment really smacks of ignorance.

I couldn't find a counsellor that specialised in this area but in the advice of others in the same situation, I went to a counsellor specialising in bereavement and trauma.

It some ways you are grieving the life you thought you would have had. You feel like your body & the medical profession have let you done. You feel like you have failed as a women & a partner. You are jealous of others who have what you want even when it's illogical. Their happiness doesn't change your position. You fear relationship. You feel you won't be enough if you can't reproduce. I totally get it.

But it's just one aspect of life (not trying to diminish it at all) but if you allow it to be your sole focus and sole purpose, you will miss out on everything else that is positive for you.

Please stay off these threads if this is genuinely your outlook. As a women currently undergoing fertility treatment these comments are utterly devastating.

No, of course not. I don’t know why people choose to emotionally or physically abuse their own child. I don’t know why people choose to murder anyone at all.
They will answer to their actions when they leave this world. They were given a chance to be parents and horrifically chose to be evil.

@ivfregret
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s not fair!

@LilyTuesday and @SquashPenguin I actually agree with both of your perspectives

I actually am starting to think I am here for some other reason. I am successful in other things and could help lots of other people do the same - that's maybe the reason

This is absolute bollix and offensive bollix too.

I know you mean well but you are talking rubbish.

@LilyTuesday How is that comment helpful to the OP