To not want to believe infertility is happening to me

[ivfregret]

Just that really. 1% of women and I'm it.

I always thought I had been too lucky careerwise the last ten years something bad was going to happen and here it is. Right there.

I post a lot about this sorry for anyone whose bored but noone understands.

I'm not even bothered about having children but it's the fact the choice has been taken away when I even agonised over the choice years before deciding to do it.

No one understands at all and I feel like failure, outcast, weirdo, all rolled up in one.

No idea why I'm posting it's not even for sympathy but just getting it off my mind.

I've honestly so much sympathy for anyone who lost a a child. But having my own, i feel a bit like ' i don't want to hear about it'. I'm too scared tbh

My 4th pregnancy was my “lucky” one. A total of 19 months pregnant in all and so stressed the whole time. You’re right OP, no one ever prepares you for the idea you might lose a pregnancy and it’s devastating when it happens and then you learn that so many others have suffered too. Then there is always the question Why, why, why, which usually the doctors are unable to answer..I just wouldn’t give up and am not sure at what point I would have called it a day.
May have some counselling to be sure exactly how you feel and what you want to do.
Good luck

Do you also support them as mothers and be involved with their lives? If not, would you expect them to be involved if you do have a child one day? It’s not very kind to say your Friends are ‘wrapped up in being moms’ - you do realise being a mum isn’t always easy either right? Have you been there for them to help them as well? I know one friend in our friendship group never bothered to come to the rest of our baby showers, Christenings and bday parties. Never asked about the kids. Didn’t support the friends that had post natal depression, didn’t offer to help etc etc. Yet we were all there for her in her worst times. In the end she had a baby- and expected us all to be there for her and her journey into motherhood. Maybe your friends don’t feel like you care about them and their children. Or they feel awkward to even mention their own troubles as yours are worse.

@LilyTuesday I go to all the showers and birthdays when inviting. I don't enjoy it, but still go and out my feelings aside. I invite them places but there's often an excuse.

Sorry but many mothers in my circles seem so self absorbed more than the average mother.

We have to agree to disagree on that one. Everyone has stuff hard doesn't mean you forget about people

Can we all just encourage each other. Let it go and whatever? We're all strong women etc. This whole bloody forum is here for women for jaysus sake!

When you find yourself with no one in your world how has experienced similar situations, it is very isolating and you feel like you are alone & it won't get any better.

Please do speak to a counsellor and look for a support group of people who have been through similar. I joined an endo/admo group briefly which helped.

Sounds like you are a good friend to them then, so actually they don’t sound like great people, it’s good you at least have a couple of supportive friends. The others I would be in agreement with you and they are best to stay away from.

I understand this. I know many of my friends felt very uncomfortable when my baby died.

@ivfregret I understand a fair bit. DH and I only conceived once after 10 years and we lost that baby. It was horrendous. We never conceived again and we have been married 23 years now. We were also in the church and literally all my friends fell pregnant at the drop of a hat. As the years passed we became increasingly isolated and I felt all the feelings you describe, worthless, weird, broken. I felt i could accept having to be ultra patient but not the fact it would never happen, even though I knew deep down it wouldn't (sixth sense.) Anyway, I don't believe it was for a purpose but I believe it made me and DH look at our lives in the cold light of day and make fundamental changes which we needed to make and would not have done otherwise. We never did get our happy ending. We did, however, get our happy beginning when we adopted our twins. You're right, adoption is not a consolation prize, our road to becoming family was less conventional but as valid as any birth family, however it's not the right path for everyone, not by a long chalk. It's OK and perfectly normal to want kids and not want kids and feel like you've been dealt a really shit hand because you have. It's OK to not fully understand the twists and turns of your own human complexity but to simply accept this is how you feel.

Yeah, I totally get it OP. No kids and 14 miscarriages in 3 years and counting! I’ve got 6 embryos in the freezer, from 5 rounds - and I’m done with IVF once those are used. I’m seeing Shehata on Monday who thinks he can help us ttc naturally as well but after that (assuming it won’t work), I’m done. I just can’t keep putting myself through it, there’s a point where ttc becomes self-harm.

So few people get it. i’m kind of done trying to explain or relate to people (especially mothers) who don’t get it but I’m also not going to hide my truth to make other people feel ok. I’ve also had to distance myself from pregnants and new mothers completely as it’s too painful, no guilt just self-care. I need to find a therapist too!

I think giving myself a limit to the torture (no more egg collections) takes some of the pressure off but I can’t quite believe we don’t get a kid when so many awful awful humans get to be parents. It’s so unfair! The anger I feel about it is off the chart.

Black humour and an ‘Infertility bonus list’ of stupid positives help me. Also connecting with the few people who do understand! Team 1%…

I was in the 1% too. I get it. It is soul destroying and takes over your life completely.
I also felt like a complete failure and found it so hard being around all my friends who were seemingly popping out babies left right and centre with minimal effort.
I eventually got diagnosed with slightly higher than normal NK cells which they think were affecting my ability to keep a baby, so was prescribed steroids, progesterone, low dose aspirin and high dose vitamin D.
It did all work out for me in the end. But I genuinely feel for you and I hope things work out for you too xx

OP, so much sympathy. I had a gut feeling when I started TTC that it wouldn't go smoothly, I think partly because I'd been very lucky not to experience any significant loss or failure in my life until that point. Of course, DH and everyone else I spoke to (both friends and medical professionals) dismissed my concerns as groundless.

Three miscarriages later, I almost took a perverse pleasure in feeling vindicated for my initial pessimism.

My fourth pregnancy was successful; testing didn't show any significant issues beyond being very slightly deficient in one clotting factor, but I took aspirin and progesterone suppositories from conception and if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'll do the same from the outset. I don't know if it helped (the consultant's view was that I just have slightly rubbish eggs and was spectacularly unlucky), but it certainly didn't hurt.

I used to torture myself by reading positive stories from people who'd suffered multiple miscarriages and then had a healthy pregnancy/baby; part of me found it reassuring but part of me was insanely jealous of them for having ultimately 'won' when there was no guarantee that I would too.

Infertility is such a lonely place.

I also saw Dr S. have you seen him before? Are you NHS or private? Xx

Hi from the recurrent miscarriage trenches. I've had 7. I'm lucky enough to have a daughter but am finding secondary infertility unbelievably difficult. I feel just as you do - a total pariah, a failure, faulty in some way. I have many friends now who were pregnant at the same time as me, or came to me when they were struggling to conceive and all now have their babies and I am still the infertile friend who they exclude from things like baby showers which makes me feel a million times worse.

I had a meeting with my consultant the other day during which he just reiterated that they don't know why it keeps happening and can't do anything more. He keeps telling me I have to just keep trying and I'll get a lucky one but... ffs, at what cost??? I can't live my life this way, just hanging on in case this month is The One. And if I get pregnant again knowing that in all likelihood I'll lose it. It's awful. If I'm honest with myself I need to just accept it's not going to happen, but it's hard when that decision is treated like a lack of faith or staying power...

Sorry, I know none of this is constructive, only saying that I understand you entirely and I'm so sorry you are going through this too.

I had 6 mc - it is an awful thing to experience.

I read It Starts With The Egg and took the recommended supplements. Also lost some weight and ate lots of fish, eggs etc. Took aspirin and had an endometrial scratch - part of an NHS trial - and had a successful pregnancy in the next cycle. I don't know whether the scratch helped or it was just luck. May be worth looking into though if you haven't already.

I feel for you. Its bloody hard. I am 22 years on from ivf and still struggle with it not working. I'm not bitter or anything like that but just wonder what could have been.

We adopted. Sisters then aged 20 months and 6 months. I love them to pieces but god its been (and still is) bloody hard. When we adopted adopted attachment disorder wasn't a thing.

If I had a crystal ball back then would I have adopted - I really dont know.

@Tinks1983 have a meeting booked with him and it's my last shot. I am giving up after that

@Hamandpeas would you not recommend adoption based on your experience?

@ivfregret I could have written your OP myself. I’m 35 and have recently been told my egg reserve is “borderline undetectable” and that even with IVF, our chances are vanishingly low. Also very successful career-wise, and finding it so hard to accept that there might be something that I cannot “achieve”, something that no amount of effort or diligent planning can change. We’re otherwise fit and healthy and generally in the perfect position to have a baby and seemingly just … can’t. I don’t have any advice and can’t help much because I’m lost with this at the moment, but wanted you to know that even though percentages are small, and it’s horribly unfair, you are not alone.
So sorry you’re going through this X

@HopefulElle thank you and I'm sorry for you too.

It's so isolating. I am actually very happy with my life but when looks fade and career is done what then? That's my worry.

Thank you. I feel exactly the same - it’s devastating but we’ve decided that we’ll put an end date on trying and then draw a line under it, and plan a different kind life, with another source of purpose. No idea what that looks like yet, but it’s surely not just sitting around in a big family house, without a family.
I hope you find a path to a fulfilling life, whether that’s with children or without X

You say when looks fade and career is done what then. I have 2 adult kids who will probably both emigrate. I will have the same life as you then without kids. And I will hopefully use the years to travel.

@Ibizafun I guess that's a fair point there's no guarantee they'll be around but you'd still likely see them even if it's once a year.

It just feels incredibly lonesome not having kids but I actually really enjoy it! This is where my confusion is so complex

I understand. I felt like this too, was actually indifferent about having children but it didn't seem fair that I didn't have a choice in the matter. It's a very weird emotion, but also realise it's social conditioning.

I've been through it. It's s#$t. I feel for you. I hate hearing about other people going though infertility.
And it's a lot more than 1%
I think it's something like 15% of couples will have difficulty conceiving.