To not want to believe infertility is happening to me

[ivfregret]

Just that really. 1% of women and I'm it.

I always thought I had been too lucky careerwise the last ten years something bad was going to happen and here it is. Right there.

I post a lot about this sorry for anyone whose bored but noone understands.

I'm not even bothered about having children but it's the fact the choice has been taken away when I even agonised over the choice years before deciding to do it.

No one understands at all and I feel like failure, outcast, weirdo, all rolled up in one.

No idea why I'm posting it's not even for sympathy but just getting it off my mind.

What pisses me off is I'm desperate for a child. Have been for 20+ years. Took contraception at start of becoming a sexually active adult until I decided to stop as I was with a long term partner, now husband. I've never even been pregnant. I'm 45 in 2 months and I understand how you feel. The female body has limited time to do so much. I hate how so many women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, without trying, from one night stands etc. Some don't deserve to be mother's. And yet it costs a fortune to do IVF, and to foster and/or adopt you have to go through so much crap to determine if you can be a parent when those out there getting knocked up don't have to. Sorry for rambling in your post.

I'm with you.

Three back to back miscarriages. Chances are less than 1%.

So went to IVF. First transfer resulted in an ectopic. Less than 1% chance. Second transfer, nothing. Ok. Third transfer, embryo splits and results in twins. 1% chance. Those twins end up being monoamniotic twins. 0.1% chance. They were lost when the amniotic sac broke at 21 weeks. 4% chance.

And now I'm back to square one after 3 years. It's absolute soul destroying to be so "unlucky".

I know it doesn't help to hear someone in the same shitty oarless boat as you really but it made me feel a bit less alone that it's not just me that the endless bad shit keeps happening to.

I hope it works out for you (and me) eventually.

@Brandspankingnewandshiny it's defiantly social conditioning.

If minority of people had children no way I'd do it - it doesn't hugely appeal.

But I'm still gutted about it 🤷‍♀️

It’s shit, exhausting, lonely. I didn’t go to a counsellor but after 4 mcs I started acupuncture as I was feeling so incredibly battered and looking back I went a bit weird and got very open minded (acupuncture isn’t weird but it’s not something I’d have done before) in my desperate hope for something to work.

I’d conceived really quickly each time and then nothing for a year, I felt like I’d used up all my luck for fuck all result. I used to spend half of the hour crying, ranting and swearing and the other half she’d stick needles into me and I’d leave feeling stones lighter, happier and ready to continue hoping things would improve.

I conceived again within a couple of months but had another mmc and then again and that one stuck. I carried on seeing her and letting it all hang out emotionally and she honestly kept me sane. It wasn’t the acupuncture that stopped me miscarrying, it was the big cocktail of drugs and I think it was the steroids that made the difference that time.

My recurrent miscarriage clinic were amazing, we were under the amazing consultant there for years and he’s now a dear friend.

My long winded point is that while she wasn’t a fertility expert or even a councellor she was the best person I could have talked to, plus the brilliant posters I chatted to on here. You might just need to try a few people and find one who fits.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so unsupported by your friends. I was lucky that mine didn’t pry but were there when I needed them, they weren’t all parents then or now but the parents were the ones who got why we kept on trying even when it seemed pointless. I know a couple of my childfree friends thought it looked like a lot of effort and trauma for a possible outcome they wouldn’t want for themselves.

I hope your appointment is helpful. I’ve only read good things about him though I was under someone different because of geography.

It’s okay to be confused about your feelings. No one thinks it’ll happen to them and it really is a crap club to be in. Sending love.

I was absolutely desperate to be a mum and already a step mum to young ones so living a “family life” with all the sacrifices that entails but no child of my own, which I know is a different experience to yours. I can see how you feel though and it’s a natural defence mechanism once you’ve started ttc and it’s going badly to think well you might not want kids anyway. I hear you.

I haven’t been able to read all previous messages but just wanted to share that a close family member had recurrent miscarriages, after private testing turned out to be an auto-immune response and with drugs she is now 30+ weeks with a healthy pregnancy. She has had so much trauma and heartbreak and sadly it could have been prevented by taking medication earlier if she had known what was available.

People saying is more like 20% chance are adding to the OPs theory that people just don’t understand. Recurrent miscarriage is 1%. I am part of the 1% club and it is devastating.

OP please consider taking prednisoline it’s a steroid drug. Sometimes when you don’t sustain a pregnancy multiple times it’s because your body is ‘killing’ the embryos as your body views the embryo as a foreign body. The prednisoline will lower your immune system to stop that happening.

i had 3 miscarriages in 6 months. Had IVF 3 embryo transfers but not pregnant with any. For the 4th transfer I took prednisoline and now have a baby.

Oh do piss off with your patronising bull 💩!!!!

How insensitive can you possibly be! How dare you come on this thread and spout your views like that.
Some of us were desperate to become parents and having that stripped away and being completely powerless over how things turned out is devastating!
Please please stay off these type of threads in future

You're not alone in struggling with this 💐
My dh and I have tried for years but it's never happened for us. I had tests that showed I had fertility issues and then subsequent tests found that my dh also has fertility issues. It was a real punch to the gut to find out that we basically have no chance of conceiving.

It's a really difficult thing to come to terms with so I definitely recommend finding some support but I really hope things work out for you x

Cancer has robbed me of my womb at 32. I had never even had the opportunity to try for a baby.

The nhs won't fund egg retrieval because of my weight.
I'm overweight because I have been pumped full of hormones since I was 18.
I've lost 10kg in less than 3 months after coming off the meds.
But even though the nhs have fucked me over time and time again I still can't have treatment.

I have failed at everything in life including having children

Can't help but wonder why the doctor wasn't more helpful sooner. So much needless heartbreak.

@Mumtobabyhavoc because the doctors are useless. I have had three doctors who have all said they can't find anything when clearly after five there's an issue but they just keep saying keep trying them two said UVF and a third said that's ridiculous

They don't know what they're doing most of them

Hi @ivfregret

I'm so sorry to read this.

I just wanted to check, have you had any private treatments or investigations?

I'm also in the 1%. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, I was diagnosed with PTSD and it still affects me now. I had 3 miscarriages before my healthy baby (he's almost 2 now). Not the same as 5 of course but still enough to know something was wrong.

I had the NHS testing but nothing was shown, we weren't illegible for IVF because after the 2nd for some reason the 2 year ttc wait time for IVF is restarted because I'd had 'a pregnancy' 🤷‍♀️ I'm not sure I wanted to go down that road anyway, I'd had enough by then.

Anyway, my point - have you ever looked into autoimmune/NK cells? It's basically where your body treats the baby like a foreign object and rejects it. There is treatment for this, usually prednisolone steroids. I didn't have any testing, but you can do privately which does cost a lot. But I did have a private online consultation where they prescribed it to me. I started taking it at 2DPO the cycle following my 3rd mc (I ignored the dosage prescribed and went with what I'd read on here, and in a book called Is Your Body Baby Ready by Dr Beer. I also had progesterone.

I don't know which drug it was for sure, as I didn't have the testing, but I strongly believe I had autoimmune issues/NK cells, which will never be picked up on NHS tests.

Happy to answer any questions you have. I know you're not looking for sympathy but from me you have it. I really do get it. It feels totally hopeless and is all consuming.

I've actually hidden the pregnancy and the pregnancy loss threads on here, so I'm glad you posted on Chat or I wouldn't have seen it!

@LilyTuesday you really need to leave this thread now. I've not read you all your posts, but I stopped at 'you do realise being a mum isn't always easy right'

--- no, she doesn't. That's the whole bloody point. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down!

@Daffodil21 had many tests including NK cells and they say nothing wrong 😑

Clearly I don't believe they or either I'm very rare with my issue or the tests need doing again,

Personally I think I have a autoimmune issue but I'm going for further round of tests g soon

@ivfregret I've just seen you're about to see Dr S, you're in good hands.

Have you seen the autoimmune/pread threads on here? I found them a massive support and most people there are under Dr S' care x

Immune/NK cells pred thread #31 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/4783958-immunenk-cells-pred-thread-31

I would get some counselling.

You've gone a lot further down the road of infertility treatment than I did.

I was pretty sure I didn't want children but found myself on that path with exH. Thankfully (as I see it now) we encountered issues and I never pushed for ivf or further treatment.

I got counselling some 10 years later as treatment for subsequent alcoholism and part of what we unpacked were my feelings around being a failure for not being able to do what women should be able to do, even though I knew very clearly by then I didn't want children. The mind can be its own worst enemy.

@LilyTuesday please don’t ever ever ever say that to someone struggling with IVF. It’s such a massive pile of crap and I was devastated every time someone said it to me. It’s a vile thing to say.

It's something, that's for sure! I started out TTC very very ambivalent about children. My attitude was 'if it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, it doesn't'. I think it was fear of future regret that drove me more than anything.

I became pregnant first time and was shocked. Really not prepared for it at all and the ambivalence increased massively. Then miscarriage. That experience hit me like a lorry! Unbelievable. The grief was totally disproportionate to the desire to have a child. I went on to have two more over two years. It made me crazy. It was like it switched something on in me.

Diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility'. One Dr just said it was my age. Another fertility expert said I should not underestimate how significant it was that I COULD get pregnant at all.
When we went for more tests to book us in for IVF we found out DH had issues with his sperm and we're actually going to have to go through IXIE (? - I think it's called that). Where sperm has to be injected into the egg.

We conceived again one month before that all started and DD came 9 months later. Three years later I conceived DS very quickly (at 42 and in spite of DH's issues too) and carried to full term. I do feel I probably won the lottery twice.

My head still can't make sense of it all and the grief has never left me. I think about it often. Both my children were conceived in my home country where the sun rises and sets at 6am and 6pm. My sleep there regulates very quickly and is deep and wonderful. I've often wondered if circadian rhythms and melatonin have something to do with it...? I did look into it a few years ago and found some research supporting it. My gut just thinks maybe that was how it happened. But I'll never know.

To be very clear ... I not saying 'just relax, go on holiday'. That made me so angry. I'm wondering if there's science evidence wrt to melatonin or some kind of sleep hormone behind it that doesn't get pulled up in the UK fertility cycle.

On the other side: the self absorbed mother. I became one of those. I missed my friends dreadfully but it became easier to not see them than it did to explain my visits would have to revolve around babies nap times or I'd need to interrupt activities to feed or baby would end up dominating visit by being a baby or crying endlessly. I felt my presence always curtailed the fun and changed the dynamic. I'm always sensitive to the fact I might be irritating. Even now, ferrying my children to play dates and activities dominates everything. If your friends are anything like me, they might be feeling lonely and missing you, but also not wanting to explain why things are hard because it could come across as ungrateful for what they actually have in the face of your own experiences.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've never quite got over my experiences going through it; still don't talk about it to anyone. Your post resonated very deeply.

My relative is fortunate to have wealthy in-laws that have funded all their private treatment, I’m sure not if she went down the NHS route first, but I do know that things weren’t investigated earlier as she was late 20’s / early 30’s and many people just said she was ‘unlucky’ and to keep going. To add to the trauma there was a previous healthy pregnancy before this one (the drugs she took worked immediately to retain the pregnancy) however that ended in a loss in the second trimester for completely unrelated reasons. I worry so much about her and her partner and how this has affected them both, now and in the future (she is so nervous all the time now with high pregnancy anxiety). In the meantime all her friends have gone on to have 1 or more healthy children and she has been living through this trauma and they have distanced themselves as they don’t know how to support her. It’s all heartbreaking.

I'm in the 1% club too. Probably even less than 1% as I have infertility and recurrent losses (6 miscarriages in 4 years, ttc 5.5 years). I'm under one of the best recurrent loss doctors in the country and lost 2 babies on a complex protocol that I've seen work in countless women. I'm always the one on the outside. I've supported many, many women who were in similar positions and they're raising their babies, having their second or even third baby whilst my babies keep dying. Every so often, I'll get a message saying the 'think of me often', well meaning but just means they pity me and are glad they aren't me.

We've tried ivf, tested our babies (chromosomally healthy), steroids, immune modulators. Nothing has worked. And now I can't get pregnant again. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I didn't need to lose my babies to show me how string and brave I am.

I get you saying you're not even sure you want a baby @ivfregret I don't know what I want anymore.

@VenusStarr you certainly have been a great support ♥️

Yes, I don't disagree. In my own experience it's been a combination of ignorance and bias.

@Wednesdaysotherchild
I agree about the circadian rhythms thing because I recently had abnormal blood tests and it showed my prolactin levels as abnormal. When I went back to my GP, she wanted me to get the blood test redone on a morning within a couple of hours of waking up. Hormones and circadian rhythm are definitely linked as my GP shared that she had done some research around it when she was training.