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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be seething she made a cake

427 replies

TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:27

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

OP posts:
JobChangeSoonPlease · 18/06/2023 15:01

Wouldn't bother me. I'd be happy that my child had 2 cakes to cut. It's your mom not the child's step mum? Why feel threatened?

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 15:01

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/06/2023 12:45

Posters need to stop this competitive misery at least you’ve got a mum
Really,that’s not adequate. Having an alive mother doesn’t mean one should put up with any old rubbish. Someone Having an absent or disinterested alive mother doesn’t mean people should tolerate any behaviour because they’re lucky to have a mother

Well said.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 15:13

Cailin66 · 18/06/2023 13:43

How lucky that child is to have a doting grandmother. I wish my mother were around to bring a cake. It is too trivial a matter to get upset about.

A Grandchild that will realise someday that they have a Grandmother that doesn't respect their wishes when asked.

LovePoppy · 18/06/2023 16:17

JudgeRudy · 18/06/2023 12:18

Your mum being dead screws your view. You'd probably be happy if she trampled dog muck onto your carpet but it doesn't mean it's right.
This wasn't an oversight. OP had expressed herself and made a reasonable request....which her mum over rid for her own gratification.

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My mom is also dead. Doesn’t change the fact that OPs mom purposefully went against her wishes.

Someone needs to check themselves , but it’s not OP

MissyB1 · 18/06/2023 16:41

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 15:13

A Grandchild that will realise someday that they have a Grandmother that doesn't respect their wishes when asked.

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Eh? Did the Grandma in the OP ask the child about having an extra cake? Did the child say “definitely not Grandma I can only cope with having one cake”. I don’t think so…..

Manthide · 18/06/2023 17:00

My mother often supplies a birthday cake for my children in case I forgot!! And I do feel a bit irritated that she'd assume that when I obviously never have but now I've come to terms with it and decide to go with the more cake the better.
Dm was 80 recently and she wanted an afternoon tea at hers. It was arranged that my dad would make the sandwiches ( I provided ham and tinned salmon), dd2 woukd bring something savoury and me and dd3 would make the scones, viennese whirls and cake - and bring sausage rolls. Dm would make the actual birthday cake (fruit cake) and dd3 would decorate it. Then when we arrived I saw she'd made a victoria sponge cake and a banana bread as well. Well I am lucky to still have my mum.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 17:17

MissyB1 · 18/06/2023 16:41

Eh? Did the Grandma in the OP ask the child about having an extra cake? Did the child say “definitely not Grandma I can only cope with having one cake”. I don’t think so…..

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Do you not understand what someday means or did you mean to be a smart arse? I have family that never respected my wishes. It soon followed when they didn't respect my wishes that they continued a viscous circle of doing the same with my daughter. That is until I stopped it happening completely by not having any further contact with them.

MissyB1 · 18/06/2023 17:28

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 17:17

Do you not understand what someday means or did you mean to be a smart arse? I have family that never respected my wishes. It soon followed when they didn't respect my wishes that they continued a viscous circle of doing the same with my daughter. That is until I stopped it happening completely by not having any further contact with them.

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And you know that this Grandma will never respect her grandchild’s wishes because she dared bring an extra cake to his 4th birthday party! Righty Ho … 🙄

sixthvestibule · 18/06/2023 17:30

Someone brought a wedding cake to our wedding unannounced. I was grateful!

wingsandstrings · 18/06/2023 17:50

YANBU.
Lots of people saying 'it's just a cake' but it's not is it? It's about respect. The mother was given a request to not do something for a special occasion on which the daughter was supposed to be hosting and in charge. Providing a cake for your child's birthday is something that many parents find a particularly pleasurable and meaningful way of showing their love. My DD loves to remember all the cake themes I've done over the years. The Mother chose to ignore that request and suit herself. At best it's thoughtless and at worst it's super controlling. Sounds like a mother who needs to be centre of attention and/or a mother who wants to treat their grownup children like they're still little.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 18:10

MissyB1 · 18/06/2023 17:28

And you know that this Grandma will never respect her grandchild’s wishes because she dared bring an extra cake to his 4th birthday party! Righty Ho … 🙄

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Yes I actually do. You did read OP's other post stating there's history with the Mother? Any Mother or family member that doesn't respect another member of the families wishes will continue to do so. This will always filter down to the children. It isn't about the cake or are you just ignoring the numerous posts saying it isn't about the cake. There's no need to be so facetious. I find the ignoring of what it can feel like to have one's wishes disregarded quite upsetting.you may not understand but I do.

I remember my family always being involved with my daughters birthday parties. When she was 4 she specifically asked to just have her friends and go to a play centre. When I told my family they ignored this and all showed up at the play centre. I can assure you that even at 4 my daughter was not happy. That's just one example. May seem stupid and ridiculous to you but when there's lots more examples like this, put together it messes with your head.

TrustyRusty68 · 18/06/2023 18:33

i agree too.

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 19:25

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 18:10

Yes I actually do. You did read OP's other post stating there's history with the Mother? Any Mother or family member that doesn't respect another member of the families wishes will continue to do so. This will always filter down to the children. It isn't about the cake or are you just ignoring the numerous posts saying it isn't about the cake. There's no need to be so facetious. I find the ignoring of what it can feel like to have one's wishes disregarded quite upsetting.you may not understand but I do.

I remember my family always being involved with my daughters birthday parties. When she was 4 she specifically asked to just have her friends and go to a play centre. When I told my family they ignored this and all showed up at the play centre. I can assure you that even at 4 my daughter was not happy. That's just one example. May seem stupid and ridiculous to you but when there's lots more examples like this, put together it messes with your head.

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Yeah but the example she gave of the "history" was her mum getting overexcited when her baby crawled for the first time.

Riverlee · 18/06/2023 19:28

Haven’t read whole thread, but I would be peeved as well if mil brought another birthday cake. If it were just a plain old Victoria sponge or some cupcakes, then that’s fine, but to bring another actual birthday cake, then that’s rude and overstepping the mark, especially as you asked her not to.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/06/2023 19:33

as a PP said, make it clear that she had her pleasure making you cakes as a child, it's your turn to enjoy that for your son.
And if she does it again, that will be the last party she is invited to.

TallerThanAverage · 18/06/2023 19:39

Riverlee · 18/06/2023 19:28

Haven’t read whole thread, but I would be peeved as well if mil brought another birthday cake. If it were just a plain old Victoria sponge or some cupcakes, then that’s fine, but to bring another actual birthday cake, then that’s rude and overstepping the mark, especially as you asked her not to.

It was a sponge cake with fruit on top.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 19:56

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 19:25

Yeah but the example she gave of the "history" was her mum getting overexcited when her baby crawled for the first time.

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Posters are correct that there is previous for this. Didn't want to include originally as keep telling myself it's only a flippping cake. An example is; mother happened to be there when DS first crawled. She was in her element, essentially pushed me aside and was cooing over DS very loudly for all the see

Pushing OP aside and cooing for all to see is attention seeking on the Mothers behalf. This is an example of ignoring how excited OP would be and making it all about the Grandmother. She ignored her daughters feelings. I am not saying that the Grandmother shouldn't be excited but there are ways of dealing with things and what she did was not right.

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 20:12

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 19:56

Posters are correct that there is previous for this. Didn't want to include originally as keep telling myself it's only a flippping cake. An example is; mother happened to be there when DS first crawled. She was in her element, essentially pushed me aside and was cooing over DS very loudly for all the see

Pushing OP aside and cooing for all to see is attention seeking on the Mothers behalf. This is an example of ignoring how excited OP would be and making it all about the Grandmother. She ignored her daughters feelings. I am not saying that the Grandmother shouldn't be excited but there are ways of dealing with things and what she did was not right.

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Yeah, I would put that in the "mildly annoying" category myself.

It's somewhat surprising that the OP can't come up with any better examples of her mum's dreadful behaviour tbh.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 20:35

Lots of examples of toxicity can come across as mildly annoying to other people from the outside. It's the subtle things that toxic people do that allows other people to validate their behaviour. OP could give you a dozen examples and the possibility of you finding them all mildly annoying would be quite high. Put them all together can mess with the person at the receiving ends head. What would you consider to be a better example?

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 20:36

Sorry that was meant for @MargotBamborough .

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 20:39

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 20:35

Lots of examples of toxicity can come across as mildly annoying to other people from the outside. It's the subtle things that toxic people do that allows other people to validate their behaviour. OP could give you a dozen examples and the possibility of you finding them all mildly annoying would be quite high. Put them all together can mess with the person at the receiving ends head. What would you consider to be a better example?

As someone who has been on the receiving end of some pretty toxic behaviour, not just from my own mother but also other family members, I think toxic is a completely inappropriate word to use about getting overexcited when your grandson crawls for the first time and bringing a cake to a birthday party when you've been asked not to.

Maybe the OP's mother is toxic for reasons she has chosen not to share with us in this thread, but the two examples she has given are not strong ones.

CoconutDrunk · 18/06/2023 20:41

so you’re annoyed there were two cakes?

was it a different flavour to the one you had prepared?

if so what’s wrong with using yours as the centre piece and do the blowing the candles etc with this… and then when serving just saying “we’ve actually got a chocolate one as well if you would like a piece of that” …

this is really a mountain/molehill situation here

I really don’t think I could bring myself to care that much about a bloody cake

CoconutDrunk · 18/06/2023 20:44

mirax · 18/06/2023 09:57

For the ones saying that this is a case of lifetime parental control, boundary crossing and undermining of the OP, surely an example of many other more serious incidents could have been offered? I seriously think that given the initial explanation, the Op is being extremely unreasonable and childish and suspect that OP banned the parental cake because she wanted a store bought one to impress guests or to show off on social media. The Op's mother did make the thing that OP wanted and this was an additional cake which could have been simply stuffed in the fridge if OP was capable of acting like an adult in her own home. There is a huge tendency to over-analyse and indulge childish or trivial behaviour.

Maybe it is because I am Asian, we live with overbearing parents and I completely agree boundaries can and should be asserted, but with major stuff, not cake please. To seethe over such a trivial thing for weeks is ridiculously unreasonable.

This!

  • the fact that OP has made a fuss about being the host, coupled with the lack of strong examples of parents being “toxic”

makes it sound like the main issue is their own pride

Theblacksheepandme · 18/06/2023 20:47

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 20:39

As someone who has been on the receiving end of some pretty toxic behaviour, not just from my own mother but also other family members, I think toxic is a completely inappropriate word to use about getting overexcited when your grandson crawls for the first time and bringing a cake to a birthday party when you've been asked not to.

Maybe the OP's mother is toxic for reasons she has chosen not to share with us in this thread, but the two examples she has given are not strong ones.

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I may find what toxicity you received to be mildly annoying bit would never do that. It's not a competition @MargotBamborough. I have also been on the receiving end and wouldn't for once make another persons experience irrelevant because I may have experienced worse.

sodthesodoff · 18/06/2023 20:48

@MargotBamborough one of the cracking points for me was when my mum refused to make me a coffee. She just didn't want to. I'd always drunk tea. I asked for a coffee. And she lost her mind. Pretended she didn't know how to make one. Eventually made the weakest cup of piss ass coffee That would put Starbucks to shame.

Does she know how to make coffee? Yes. She makes two cups a day for my dad.

She just decided I shouldn't have a coffee. So I wasn't getting one. Or at least anything half way resembling a coffee.

Is that a big dramatic event? No. Was she horrible? Not really just a bit fucking odd about coffee. But it was one of many many many micro aggressions and controlling things she did and the start of my wake up call.

The thing is maybe the op doesn't have a long list of 'horrific' things her mum has done. Maybe she has a long list of things which on their own sound trite and silly.

But the cumulative effect of this infantilising, undermining and ignoring my wishes and whatever I said has had quite long lasting and dramatic effects.